Needing insight & help interpreting a series of dreams...kinda long

treadmills_and_dinosaurs

Little background info: I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I have my only child with whom is now 4. This was my first serious long-term relationship that was as much intense and passionate as it was volatile. I never felt this way about anyone before and I swore he was my knight in shining armor. That is until his supposed "ex" came into the picture claiming to have never been broken up with him, and claiming they were still very much together, in fact they resided together! My ex worked offshore so there were many times he was NOT at OUR home and could have been just about anywhere other than where he claimed to be. Any time I confronted him about her, he denied it, called her crazy and jealous. During our relationship I actually had a dream about us being on a casino boat (where he would often take me n Shreveport when we would go out). While there on this instance I dreamed he approached me and told me he did not love me and was going to marry Sara (not her real name, the ex who had been stalking me in waking life). And he walked away from me. I woke up crying and called him to tell him about the dream as he was currently "away on work". He promised me that there was nothing to worry about and everything was okay. I thought everything was fine...we were like best friends, we hardly ever fought, and we had a physical attraction to one another that was unlike anything I had ever known, something you see in a movie. I figured maybe I was just letting the ex girlfriend get in my head.

Fast forward to maybe 5-7 months later and I am at home when I get a phone call from him. I answered happily and he answered me with "I'm just calling to let you know we are no longer together, I live with Sara and we are getting married", then pretty much hung up the phone on me--I was devastated. It was as if my entire world just fell apart. I was angry, hurt, jealous, I felt abandoned and betrayed. I also confided in him about how estranged I was from my family and how I was always abandoned by anyone I had ever really loved and he always promised he would never hurt me. I felt as if I had just been slapped into a stupor. I was miserable, and then as months went by and we still talk, he tells me that it "cannot hurt for us to try one more time" in fixing our relationship (which i didn't even know was broken). I asked him if he was actually getting married and he told me no. He lied. They were married a few months later They have two kids from before he and I met. My son with him is the baby and she has always been jealous of that. She would delete videos of his first steps I sent to him, break into his google account and chat with me pretending to be my ex to say things to hurt me. I felt as if he lied about being with her and led a double life with me and our son for three years. That he knew all along he was going to have to pick someone eventually..& his choice wasn't me. Life was hell. I was outraged by him for months, but somehow still had a hold to him and he to me. I wanted revenge on Sara for taking my family. So I continued to sleep with my ex (her then fiance) up until they were married...then two weeks after their wedding. I felt good about the revenge, bad about myself as a woman, but I still loved him, and it was better than nothing. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't date anyone else. It has been 1.5 years since we split for good and 1 year they have been married in July 2015. I have remained single, and celibate. The thought of another man touching me turns me off completely. I shy away and feel extremely uncomfortable when other men flirt with me or try to touch me. I avoid sex...except with my ex. We talk everyday and he still tells me how much he loves me and will always want me and need me in his life, that no matter how hard he has tried, he cannot let me go. And I unfortunately acknowledge that I feel the same way.

Now that there is some backstory, I have actually had two dreams my ex died but the time between them was close to a year or so. I had a dream not long ago, that I was so angry with him that I mentioned to a friend that I "could kill him". And the friend (unrecognizable to me) actually killed him. He was shot, stabbed, and gutted (sorry if too explicit but important to details) to the point that when I found him dead his body was "folded" into a box with his head still fully attached and resting on top of the pile of what was his body. I remember just crying and begging for someone to help him, to "fix" him and to "just please bring him back". I was hysterical when I was told "there's nothing we can do, there's no way to save him", and that was it. I just kept crying, "what have I done." I woke up crying and sweating in a panic. I cried until I couldn't anymore, I could no longer sleep. I sat up and just tried to process it all. I told him about the dream somewhat, just mentioning that I had a dream he had died. That was maybe a month or so ago. Last night I had a dream that we were somewhere in someone's house, I have never been to before that I remember. Only this time, his wife, Sara, was there. It was like a holiday, everyone was in sweaters and blue jeans (I live in Louisiana so it is usually sweltering hot). I just remember my ex sitting on the stairway putting on red socks and his wife walking away from me talking a bunch of BS. Next thing I knew I had her by the hair and was dragging her around the house beating her behind, telling her how long I have been waiting to "get a hold of her". I thought I was over the fact that he married her.

I no longer let what she does affect me anymore, I even sometimes mentally thank her for helping me dodge a bullet of marrying a cheater (whether I love him or not, he is still unfaithful in his marriage and would most likely have done the same to me had i married him). We are still very close, talk every day, he sends me things like stuffed animals and fruit from Edible Arrangements, but we have not slept together or physically been around each other in 9 months even though we send photos to each other often. He takes care of his responsibility when it comes to our son and we are always taken care of even though I work as well. He leads me to believe he only married his ex because it was "something he just had to do, like the final chapter in a dramatic novelization so to speak".-his words. I still have so many unanswered questions about our relationship that I know he will never answer out of embarrassment or fear of losing whatever it is we have left. He will never admit he cheated on me. Every suspicion I had in our relationship I believe was real even though he made me feel so guilty for questioning him. For the last 2 years I have found myself battling within myself over the feelings I have for him, and the feelings I know I SHOULD feel but do not (like anger and disgust and disappointment). From time to time I will feel an uprising of old negative feelings from the bad times, but most times I am content with our current "relationship". I just don't know what to do or why I am having these dreams. I rarely dream, and when I do they usually are very vivid and lifelike, I often end up in situations where they manifest but just in different manners as in different locations or people from the dream. I think I need to see a therapist Sorry it's so long, I tried to give enough background and detail to help. And please don't judge me (unless you keep it to yourself) as I have endured a lot with this person and have done my best to become better by not dating until I am past this and remaining celibate for as long as I need to be so as not to hurt someone else with my baggage. He IS the father of my child and whether or not anything he felt for me during our time was real or not for HIM, every bit of it was real for ME & I loved him & I just couldn't flip a switch and turn my feelings off. Be gentle please.

TrailBlazinMN

If you are seeking dream interpretation, you might be better off finding someone that specializes in that. I am not sure if a psychic could interpret the dreams but they might be able to guide you (if you believe in that).

I have no experience when it comes to sharing a child with an ex but all I know is that time heals all wounds and if you want to move forward from this, you will. If you continue to dwell on it and you don't want to move on from it, you won't. You tell your mind what you want to do, not the other way around.

Good luck!

treadmills_and_dinosaurs

I agree! I was unfortunately born with a very analytical type of mind. I thrive on figuring out why people do the crazy things they do, why do we dream, why why why why. It's kind of a curse, lol. I question pretty much everything. I don't know if I believe in psychics, never had a true experience with one (guess that statement kinda means I sorta believe then haha). I just wonder if my subconscious is trying to warn me or tell me something. I have been questioning (there goes that word again!) if I should seek help from a counselor just to have someone help me through the emotional trauma I went through. There really is so much more than I could ever share in a single moment. I come from a small area, not sure I could find someone that specialized in dream interpretation.

TrailBlazinMN

Psychics can do reading online and I believe dream interpreters can interpret online as well. Counseling could be an option but I know for a lot of people, financially it can be a burden (which could cause more emotional trauma to certain people) since you don't know how many sessions it could take until there is a large degree of improvement.

marcelo_templario

Your dream isn't hard to interpretate, we have a said in here: "When love breaks, it is better to change rather than fixing it".

Your mind knows the way out. The thing is over and you know it, but you're afraid that by telling your ex how you feel and how a SOB he has been you'd blow your only small chance of being with him again. Your friend in the dream ( I dear to say he wasn't you're closest friend but an acquaintance) is the advice that you don't wanna hear, from anybody.

About your second dream, that holiday reunites and involves more and more people. Girl, you know that you feel trapped and lonely with this, can't blame you if you feel like that; in this 3 party issue he's the one with the most company. Your dream is telling you that you're tampering your feelings, the rage derivated from this is too much for keeping quiet.

Believe me, no "dream reader" will tell you to keep fighting for this, the dream you had is awfully realistic I know. He is giving you pain and heartaches even when he was inert.

One more thing about your dream. You want your ex, you don't love him, you don't want him to be unhappy, it is just you feel despair for his figure right now, you can wish him good, but what happened between you two is gone, and it is better that way.

treadmills_and_dinosaurs

fabian_chipper wrote: »

Your dream isn't hard to interpretate, we have a said in here: "When love breaks, it is better to change rather than fixing it".

Your mind knows the way out. The thing is over and you know it, but you're afraid that by telling your ex how you feel and how a SOB he has been you'd blow your only small chance of being with him again. Your friend in the dream ( I dear to say he wasn't you're closest friend but an acquaintance) is the advice that you don't wanna hear, from anybody.

About your second dream, that holiday reunites and involves more and more people. Girl, you know that you feel trapped and lonely with this, can't blame you if you feel like that; in this 3 party issue he's the one with the most company. Your dream is telling you that you're tampering your feelings, the rage derivated from this is too much for keeping quiet.

Believe me, no "dream reader" will tell you to keep fighting for this, the dream you had is awfully realistic I know. He is giving you pain and heartaches even when he was inert.

One more thing about your dream. You want your ex, you don't love him, you don't want him to be unhappy, it is just you feel despair for his figure right now, you can wish him good, but what happened between you two is gone, and it is better that way.

All of this is very much spot on. I hate that a part of me still holds onto him & he knows it. I often ask myself if he came to me right now and told me he wanted to get a divorce and be with me, that he made a huge mistake, would i even still want him. And I see what you mean about the friend being advice, it was maybe symbolic of needing to cut him out of my life beyond our son and killing the desire have for him to stay in my life because it's what is best for me.
Yeah, I have a lot of rage towards this woman. I have never even met her, but she has caused havoc and hell since the moment my son was born pretty much & I resent her for taking what was the only thing I knew as family. I feel like I was actually there and that these things actually happened, these events took place. And you're right about another thing, he still manages to cause me a good deal of hurt and sadness even when he is inactive in my life for a moment. I feel like the only way to get over that is if I could somehow get closure on the questions I had. There is still so much unknown that I feel if I had an honest answer to I would finally be able to close that book.