Life boundaries - not a diet or weightloss topic

jljshoe1979

This week has been difficult. We found out Wednesday my husband had to have surgery Thursday. He's doing well. This morning I was informed the tests done to my grandfather appeared to be lung cancer (waiting for confirmation from the doctor). On top of these things I brought my husband home, we had a bad storm, and we were without power for three hours. Then I got a phone call late last night from my cousin - drunk and probably high. I love my cousin, but I don't know what to do with/for him (this is not the first time this has happened, but under the previously mentioned circumstances I was really too tired to deal properly with him). He called wanting to know why bad things happen to him. He was crying, very upset, and wanted to know why he was still here. I asked him if he was alone, and he wasn't (his mom was at the house, but sleeping). At the end of the conversation he thanked me for listening, told me he needed to go to sleep, and said he would call me today to check in. He didn't, I called him, but he told me he couldn't talk and would call me back in a few minutes (that was hours ago AND he sounded drunk again). I think he calls me because I'm nice to him and I listen, but I want to do more...my brother and I convinced him to go to detox a few months ago, but that didn't last. I don't want to turn my back on him, but I'm not a sponsor or a therapist, and I'm not sure I'm helping him. I'm reaching out to the people on MFP because I don't have any family on here, and I don't want them to know my frustration. If anyone out there has any positive advice that has worked for this type of situation I would greatly appreciate it.

freddi11e

Sorry to hear about your Husband and Grandfather.

As for the cousin, Sounds like what I'm going thru with my little brother. 19 years old. addicted to xanax. he got out of rehab but didnt stay clean. now he's calling me saying "i need help! i dont know what to do.. my life sucks.. blah blah blah." i took him to a couple NA meetings with me but he's still getting high.

He's been hanging out with clean people i introduced him to (even though he's still on xanax... i see the effort of him trying to incorporate clean people in his life.)

He asked someone to be his sponsor, but i told him he has to be clean to have a sponsor lol.

So despite his failed attempts at actually staying clean, "the seed has been planted." I will take him to meetings if he WANTS to go. not because he needs to. I will talk to him when he needs someone to talk to... but

honestly... it's emotionally draining for me. I feel exhausted after being with him for a day... because he's active in his addiction he is very "take, take take."

I get it though. Cuz i went thru it myself. There is a difference between helping someone and being a codependent enabler. With my little brother I go back and forth with it.

Take him to a meeting. That way he can meet people going thru the same things as him that he can call on. There's not much you can do. I see you've already done a lot for him. Personally i wasnt able to get clean for years and years even after wanting it badly. After the third time in rehab i finally got it.

I'd like to say more.. but I'm getting ready to leave work... Message me if you wanna talk more about it.

p.s. not your job to "save" him. don't ever feel guilty for someone else's behavior.

cmriverside

Best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Let the cousin sink or swim on his own. It's not your job. Adults need to accept the consequences of their actions, and when they are that out of control, you can't help them. Go to a meeting yourself. AL-Anon is for families of addicts. You would benefit greatly from going to a meeting.

HeidiCooksSupper

Yes to Al-Anon or seeing a therapist for yourself. You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of you first. So, even if you feel you are well-balanced and healthy, you need expertise to deal with having a family member who can drag you down into dysfunction with them if you are not careful. And remember, the addict cares only about himself not you. Do not expect anything from the addict that may help you. Your good works cannot save them. Only they can save themselves.

jljshoe1979

Sorry to hear about your Husband and Grandfather.

As for the cousin, Sounds like what I'm going thru with my little brother. 19 years old. addicted to xanax. he got out of rehab but didnt stay clean. now he's calling me saying "i need help! i dont know what to do.. my life sucks.. blah blah blah." i took him to a couple NA meetings with me but he's still getting high.

He's been hanging out with clean people i introduced him to (even though he's still on xanax... i see the effort of him trying to incorporate clean people in his life.)

He asked someone to be his sponsor, but i told him he has to be clean to have a sponsor lol.

So despite his failed attempts at actually staying clean, "the seed has been planted." I will take him to meetings if he WANTS to go. not because he needs to. I will talk to him when he needs someone to talk to... but

honestly... it's emotionally draining for me. I feel exhausted after being with him for a day... because he's active in his addiction he is very "take, take take."

I get it though. Cuz i went thru it myself. There is a difference between helping someone and being a codependent enabler. With my little brother I go back and forth with it.

Take him to a meeting. That way he can meet people going thru the same things as him that he can call on. There's not much you can do. I see you've already done a lot for him. Personally i wasnt able to get clean for years and years even after wanting it badly. After the third time in rehab i finally got it.

I'd like to say more.. but I'm getting ready to leave work... Message me if you wanna talk more about it.

p.s. not your job to "save" him. don't ever feel guilty for someone else's behavior.

Thanks for sharing. I think everyone has goodness and a purpose in them - even if they can't see it. I am so glad you didn't give up trying to get clean and that your drive led to success...that gives me hope. Normally, I don't mind being his friend. He did try NA, and my bro and I offered to go with him. I just want to be supportive and this week, my husband comes first. I do wish I could take him away from all his "friends" and influences. I think he could really succeed without them constantly tempting him.

jljshoe1979

Best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Let the cousin sink or swim on his own. It's not your job. Adults need to accept the consequences of their actions, and when they are that out of control, you can't help them. Go to a meeting yourself. AL-Anon is for families of addicts. You would benefit greatly from going to a meeting.

Thanks for responding - I have taken friends in the past to AA meetings. He wanted to go to NA and had a friend go with him who knew the group. I don't know why he stopped (last I had heard he liked it). Right now, I know my husband comes first - so that's an easy boundary to stick to for me. You are soooo right about it not being my job, and I don't want to be codependent...it is a "weakness" of mine to continue helping someone when they say me listening and not judging them really helped them out...I just don't really feel like I'm helping when they return to activities that hurt them. At this point, I am looking for new strategies to help break these patterns - do you know if Al-Anon give ideas or ways to "talk someone into rehab" without feeling pushy? Each time he wants to quit, he does get a little baby step closer to stopping and for that I am proud of him.

jljshoe1979

Yes to Al-Anon or seeing a therapist for yourself. You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of you first. So, even if you feel you are well-balanced and healthy, you need expertise to deal with having a family member who can drag you down into dysfunction with them if you are not careful. And remember, the addict cares only about himself not you. Do not expect anything from the addict that may help you. Your good works cannot save them. Only they can save themselves.

You are right - I don't have the expertise (I told him today I wish I had a therapy or theology degree, so I could give him the answers). I do see a therapist because I was diagnosed with cancer a while back, and seeing her really gets me through the hardest parts of accepting how much my life changed with that diagnosis. I haven't talked much with her about this dilemma with my cuz because I really thought he was doing better until last night. He's younger (mid 20s), and at his age I expect him to be selfish even without the alcohol/drugs.

jljshoe1979

Quick update - I did get a call back from him. He sounded "better", and we talked about his plan for tomorrow...he's going to go do some rock climbing. He said that was something that made him happy - that wasn't drinking...wish I could go with him, but let's just say gravity is not my friend :-)

froeschli

my brother had his ups and downs - then he got drafted and the military straightened him out - he came back from training wanting a job as social worker helping youths like he used to be. he ended up going to engineering college instead, and surprised us all when he got married - bets are he's going to make me an aunt sooner than our older sisters :happy:

some people need a knock upside the head, others just need to find their place.

cmriverside

Best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Let the cousin sink or swim on his own. It's not your job. Adults need to accept the consequences of their actions, and when they are that out of control, you can't help them. Go to a meeting yourself. AL-Anon is for families of addicts. You would benefit greatly from going to a meeting.

Thanks for responding - I have taken friends in the past to AA meetings. He wanted to go to NA and had a friend go with him who knew the group. I don't know why he stopped (last I had heard he liked it). Right now, I know my husband comes first - so that's an easy boundary to stick to for me. You are soooo right about it not being my job, and I don't want to be codependent...it is a "weakness" of mine to continue helping someone when they say me listening and not judging them really helped them out...I just don't really feel like I'm helping when they return to activities that hurt them. At this point, I am looking for new strategies to help break these patterns - do you know if Al-Anon give ideas or ways to "talk someone into rehab" without feeling pushy? Each time he wants to quit, he does get a little baby step closer to stopping and for that I am proud of him.

Go to an AL-Anon meeting. Better yet, commit to going to them for a month. You cannot talk him into rehab. Get off this roller coaster.

jljshoe1979

If he is calling you and complaining about his life and his misfortunes, give him some tough love and let him know that he's the one making the poor choices and putting himself in this position. Don't waste your time being a shoulder to cry on about problems that he has created for himself. My experience is that addicts will tell you anything and everything to get what they want from you, whether it's money, attention, sympathy, etc., and they are always looking for someone or something to blame besides themselves. He may get angry with you and cut off contact, but it's not your problem he can't handle the truth. The hardest is if he tries to accuse you of abandoning him or claim that he has no one, but the truth is that you are there to help him, but not to coddle or enable him, so don't let yourself feel responsible for his actions because you are not.

Personally, after years of being used and lied to by a loved one who was an alcoholic/addict I finally truly resigned myself to the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could for him because he wasn't willing to change, and I hardened my heart because I wholeheartedly believed that he was either going to prison or he was going to die, and I might never see him again. Two weeks later he checked himself into a rehab center. He was there for six months, got clean, quit smoking, got out and found a job and an apartment, and last Sunday he celebrated one year sober. When he got sober he was able to realize that he does have people who love him and support him, that we just couldn't support his addiction but were there to help him pull himself out of it.

So be blatantly truthful with him, let him know that you're there for him, and pray for him if you are so inclined, but know that it's truly up to him to change, that he has to want it for himself, and don't blame yourself for his choices.

I know you are right. I learned a long time ago not to give anyone in this condition money. I really won't go into detail, but he has had some great losses in his life (although, he was drinking and doing other things long before these things happened). Anyone who has gone through these type of losses would be upset (sober or not). In one of our conversations, he did ask about my husband's condition and that shows me he does have the potential to think about others. I found out that he was with a person who is not IMO, a good influence. I am glad to hear your loved one was able to get sober...stories like that gives me hope. Thank you for sharing!

jljshoe1979

Go to an AL-Anon meeting. Better yet, commit to going to them for a month. You cannot talk him into rehab. Get off this roller coaster.

Yes, I'm going to look around for Al-Anon in my area. Usually, I can hold the emotions and sharing this kind of family drama is not typical (the other night I was tired, was on MFP, and have gotten some good advice and loving truth on here...so I thought it could help AND it has) - I was just caught off guard with the phone call out of the blue and being so tired/stressed from the rest of the things going on - I found myself frustrated with not having better answers for him. I did talk to him about finding things that make him happy (even for a little while) and he seemed responsive to that. He did go and do something active today - which gets him out of the house and away from alcohol/drugs. We talked about babysteps (one day at a time mentality) too.

cranium853

The word you are looking for is "enabling". It is what you do when you help someone stay sick by being kind instead of honest. You might start by telling him politely that you can't help him and that the people at detox can, give him the number, and hang up. Lots of times a drinker will call in a blackout and not remember the call the next day. But you do-- you stress and worry and think about him while he has his buzz. I had a co-worker who would call me every night at 2:00 to talk about her sick husband and promise to meet me in the morning to go to AA. She called another person at 1, another at 12, another at 3, and was always asleep when I went to her house. We were helping her kill herself. We all started with the same statement: call me when you want to go to a meeting but I have to go back to sleep and you might think about doing the same. And hang up. If you could love someone sober they'd all be sober. Just as if you could wish yourself thin.....