Self-loathing and overeating

ParisArkw

I am mostly in need of encouragement. I'm here to vent. If anyone else is feeling similarly, feel free to vent as well. :b

I have struggled for a long time with anxiety and depression. Stress in school has led to me overeating. This past school year was a new low for me, in terms of how much crap I would eat.

And now I'm finally done with classes for the summer, and yet, I remain feeling incredibly anxious and depressed. Every time that I fall off the healthy-eating wagon, I experience an even deeper level of self-loathing. Every time I give into temptations, I manage to convince myself, "this one last time", or "this is my one exception right now". And DEEP DEEP down I know that it doesn't work that way, but I still manage to make myself believe it. Every time I go to the grocery store and buy chocolate or chips or something, I go home and eat it. And then I am overcome with this intense disappointment in myself. As of right now, I just feel fat, I feel gross and uncomfortable. I feel like I hate myself.

I know a lot of people suggest "have a little bit of chocolate," "don't cut yourself off completely". But I'm a bit of an all-or-nothing person. I honestly find it SO much easier to just cut out the unhealthy things that I crave. Because once I have so much as a little, I seem to lose control and want to consume it all. And I get on this roll of eating healthy and feeling awesome and light and energetic. And then something stresses me out or upsets me and I give into a little bit of junk, which inevitably leads to a lot of junk.

It's the same old story. I've learned enough that I know not to give up. I've fallen off the horse enough times to realize that it means, despite every REASON there is to believe that you'll fall off again, to be stupid, ignore that logic, and get back on the horse. But when I "fail", it's so hard to find that mindset, to rebuild and recreate the motivation that it took to ignore eating the things that I KNOW will make me feel like *kitten*. Why do I effing do thissss?

Like I said. So full of self-loathing right now. I've been trying for several years to make changes, and I've become healthier in a lot of ways. But I feel like when all is said and done, I'm still overweight, and I've done nothing to show myself that I actually have what it takes to lose weight.

linderzoid

ARE YOU ME?!?!? Seriously. This is me. :embarassed:

stagingfirstplace

Its a very challenging situation. But you CAN and WILL overcome it Try writing down a list of your current goals, then writing a list of the steps you need to do to get there. On another piece of paper write I CAN in front of each of your goals and/or steps and stick these pieces of paper in a place you can see them. Also try writing a healthy shopping list with only healthy, nutritious and of course yummy foods that will help you achieve your goals. Organise a budget according to this so you have another reason to stick to this list and plan something to do for you like getting your hair done etc and factor that into your budget. Then you have another reason to make the better choice.

Remember healthy MIND, healthy LIFE I know you CAN succeed :flowerforyou:

Ang108

Maybe losing weight is not your main problem, but anxiety and depression is. If that is the case I think you need to take care of the root of the problem and not just of the symptoms. I am not saying that if you see someone for anxiety/depression you will automatically lose, but it helps a lot. I dealt with anxiety after a very vicious assault and only when I figured out with the help of a therapist that I overate because of it , did I get better , stopped eating too much ( still a lot but less than before ) and now feel confident about my weight loss journey.
Have you seen someone to deal with your anxiety and depression ? It might really help.......Good Luck to you !

ParisArkw

ARE YOU ME?!?!? Seriously. This is me. :embarassed:

HI, ME *HUGS*

ParisArkw

Its a very challenging situation. But you CAN and WILL overcome it Try writing down a list of your current goals, then writing a list of the steps you need to do to get there. On another piece of paper write I CAN in front of each of your goals and/or steps and stick these pieces of paper in a place you can see them. Also try writing a healthy shopping list with only healthy, nutritious and of course yummy foods that will help you achieve your goals. Organise a budget according to this so you have another reason to stick to this list and plan something to do for you like getting your hair done etc and factor that into your budget. Then you have another reason to make the better choice.

Remember healthy MIND, healthy LIFE I know you CAN succeed :flowerforyou:

These are very good ideas, and ones that are close enough to the healthy habits that I've acquired, that I know I can incorporate these ideas without much trouble. I /do/ like to save money, so especially the idea of writing down things (like getting my hair done) will be helpful. Thank you so much!

hollysmom55

This was me to a T before weight loss surgery. I had no self-esteem, and I hated myself. I ate to make me feel better, but then I hated myself even more for eating. It is just one vicious cycle! It is an addiction! Even though I have lost 95 lbs., I am still struggling with the addiction and the cheating. I am in therapy, have been for years. My whole family is just one big nut farm. Trying to work on my self-esteem. Of course I actually have some now that I have lost weight and look better. But I am still fighting with the addiction, and can't seem to get the rest of the weight off. It's like smoking cigarettes, or abusing alcohol, or drugs. Don't feel so bad. You have plenty of company!!!

ParisArkw

Maybe losing weight is not your main problem, but anxiety and depression is. If that is the case I think you need to take care of the root of the problem and not just of the symptoms. I am not saying that if you see someone for anxiety/depression you will automatically lose, but it helps a lot. I dealt with anxiety after a very vicious assault and only when I figured out with the help of a therapist that I overate because of it , did I get better , stopped eating too much ( still a lot but less than before ) and now feel confident about my weight loss journey.
Have you seen someone to deal with your anxiety and depression ? It might really help.......Good Luck to you !

Yeah, I've talked to a few counselors over the years about my anxiety and depression. I know, generally, what the things are that spur my anxiety & depression, but it's so difficult to keep up with the things that make me happy. =\ Something that I learned about myself in therapy is that I'm bad at prioritizing my personal needs in order to realize what is most important right /now/. So I often lose sight of the things that are most immediately important, and then I slowly kind of dissolve into this un-functioning state because I get overwhelmed with "all" the priorities.

ParisArkw

This was me to a T before weight loss surgery. I had no self-esteem, and I hated myself. I ate to make me feel better, but then I hated myself even more for eating. It is just one vicious cycle! It is an addiction! Even though I have lost 95 lbs., I am still struggling with the addiction and the cheating. I am in therapy, have been for years. My whole family is just one big nut farm. Trying to work on my self-esteem. Of course I actually have some now that I have lost weight and look better. But I am still fighting with the addiction, and can't seem to get the rest of the weight off. It's like smoking cigarettes, or abusing alcohol, or drugs. Don't feel so bad. You have plenty of company!!!

Ugh, addiction, indeed! I sometimes forget to look at it that way, and then realize that it really is an addiction.

sem41278

Sounds like me too. I self soothe my stress with food. Look into books by geneen roth- she opened my eyes.

Bernadette60614

I know how you feel. Through lots of therapy, I've learned this:

Don't make big changes. Every week chose something you can without killing yourself. Start small and build.

You'd be amazed how cutting out candy bars (e.g., ) for a week can build up your self-esteem, enough to cut out donuts (e.g.,) the next week, and sugar (e.g.,) in your coffee the next week. By the end of a month (roughly) you've created a personal victory.

I used to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day (cigs were my major stress reliever). I didn't go cold turkey...I started segmenting my life so that e.g., I couldn't smoke after a restaurant meal, then I couldn't smoke in the living room, then I couldn't smoke in the car, etc. It took about 18 months, but it got to the point that I was down to 3 cigs a day. Now, I'm 2 years smoke free.

I've found: Everytime I make some HUGE promise and fail, I feel a HUGE sense of failure. So, I set my sights to goals where I could win.

GL. You can do it.

ParisArkw

Sounds like me too. I self soothe my stress with food. Look into books by geneen roth- she opened my eyes.

Will do. Thanks for the recommend. :]

ParisArkw

I've found: Everytime I make some HUGE promise and fail, I feel a HUGE sense of failure. So, I set my sights to goals where I could win.

This was eye-opening. Also very good advice. Thanks for sharing, and encouraging. :]

endoftheside

I used to be like this, until I figured out that I need to limit my carbs. Over a certain amount and it just spirals out of control. Under my amount, and I can eat moderately and feel so much better about my relationship with food overall. It took some tweaking to figure out the amount (for me it's around 150g per day), but it really changed my life to do this.