I'm going to die

oddone_out

Hi there to anyone who is reading.

I've recently become desperate to change my life and mentally I'm ready and physically I'm in a *kitten* *kitten* place.

For anyone who wants to get to know my story the key to everything, my problems, how I eat, how active I'm not, my emotions my treatment of others the way I do everything revolves around the *kitten* up story that is my dad.

Really all you need to know is my dad died August 20 2006 at the age of 48 to poorly treated type 1 Diabetes.

He grew up in the maritimes in Canada and the health care system at the time was absolute garbage. He was 19 years old, got hit by a car and apparently the trauma cause a chemical reaction so strong he got diabetes from this (which I think is absolute *kitten*, he probably had it from birth but since he was in an orphanage in his early years, who the hell would know). They used pork and beef insulin which well isn't human is it? As a result of that (one in hundreds of factors) his organs one by one slowly started to shut down at a VERY *kitten* young age in my opinion. On top of diabetes he also had bi-polar disorder, sever depression, multiple sclerosis, leg amputation, kidney failure and honest to god so many other things I don't even remember.

Because of all of this I was raised in a hell hole full of ticking temper time bombs, anger, frustration,isolation,neglection abuse and all out terror. The man was a monster, and my mom was hanging on by a little thread called Stockholm Syndrome. The equation of all of these factors caused your new friend here a VERY strong and VERY early case of PTSD anxiety and juvenile depression.

So how does a little girl in a whirlwind of *kitten* help herself? She eats toast with butter on both sides. She eats cheesies and hotdogs and melts cheese whiz and butter on microwave popcorn, and adds lots of salt.

Now that's not healthy! How in the world can she eat all that and have no one correct that behavior. Well with a father doped up on pain killers and a mother who had to work waaaay overtime to help afford all the useless food coming into the house, meds, other medical expenses, and no *kitten* friends or other family around, that is how that happens. I had ZERO positive influences until I was 24.

So he died 9 years ago, you've had time to get help, learn from his death right? Yup , you are very right. The only good thing I've done for myself since the man died was break-up with the piece of *kitten* I was engaged to (whom my father loved) and go to intense daily therapy for a year of my life 3 years ago.

Since then I've been able to hold a job for a year, or a few months, or a few weeks at a time, because naturally I feel inadequate and I am terrified of the general public. [At my first Job (Wendys downtown Ottawa) I was held hostage by a former fellow employee, with my manager and 2 random female customers with the intentions of playing out some sick sexual fantasy. But maybe you can guess what the result of that was, I had been through a lot worse then that at this point (17 years old) and I was only scared of one man, so this guy was nothing, so I pranced out of where he was keeping us as storage, walked straight into the office grabbed the phone and called my mom, (who let my crazy father know to call the police) so I could say goodbye to her. The IDIOT pervert employee was in the customer bathroom getting his outfits for us all to wear while holding his massive lettuce knife, while I sat on the floor watching the security camera and seeing him be the *kitten* head he was. Cops showed up and arrested him, we were all fine, physically, but something switched in my brain that told me jobs= traumatic.]

Honestly I keep this going forever how I was a drop out, a drug addict, everything that brought me here, everything that lead me to my fatness and poor health. But what I need are some friends, peers to look up to, people to influence me and people to be there for me when all I want to do is check out.

If after reading my long lovely sap story here you're still intrigued and not scared off, and want to hear more, then please add me. Be warned I get upset sometimes, I rant but overall to look at me you would see a smiling face, a goofy funny girl with a lot to say.

Thank you for your time.



Also as for the title of this post. I feel like if I don't get my *kitten* straight that's it for me and soon.

t4eresa

Hi! You know your heading got a reaction out of me---because we are ALL going to die. I hope you can find the resilience to move on past what happened with your dad. He may be to blame for a lot of chaos in your past, but your future is up to you. There's lots of us out here with sick sad stories in our pasts....maybe not as bad, maybe worse.... it doesn't really help to compare, but we can give each other a little love and a nudge toward the future. I guess the bottom line is that you are not alone. So hang in there. Fatness is temporary. Living is temporary. We just do the best we can. =-]

rugratz2015

Only you can make the decision to change your eating and exercise habits but look at how far you've come - you've got rid of the fiance, went to therapy, grew up, you were strong enough to do this then you're strong enough to do whatever you want but you need to believe in yourself, add me as a friend so you don't feel so alone x

teannap05

You are amazing!!!!!! It takes such strength to publicly admit all this, I know first hand. You've taken great steps, and I don't know you, but I am proud of you!!!!!!

zwoman916

My story isn that messed up, but I hope I can encourage others that circumstances don't have to define who you are.

I was diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis when I was 24. I was devistated. Everything I dreamed my life would be was gone.

I started eating to forget my disease (and I was told NOT to over exert myself). I made made it up to 225 lbs and wore a size w 22/24.

One day I looked at myself in the mirror and knew I had to do something. I started Slim Fast (really popular in the early 90's). I wasn't losing fast enough so I started exercising on a rowing/squat machine I had baught years before. I lost 75 lbs in 11 months then joined a gym. I became completely addicted to step aerobics and weight lifting.

My bitterness toward God for what He did to me hadn't gone away, so with all the attention I was getting from men for the first time in my life, I was out of control. I don't know how I never got AIDS or pregnant from a 1 night stand.

Thankfully, I finally woke up and again didn't like what I had become. I opened my bible to the parable of the Prodical Son and broke down in tears because I then realized that I had something to do and no matter what I had done, God will forgive me if I ask for it!

I have been living with M S for over half of my life (26 years and counting). At 50 I am still able to work Full time and I still lift weights (at home now. No time for the gym any more) and do step aerobics. My Neurologist can't figure out how I am still showing little signs of my disease let alone why I get up @ 4:30 weekday mornings to exercise. I guess that's the only "me" time I have any more since I have a husband and 12 year daughter that I have to feed and clean up after ( what can't men properly load a dishwasher?).

Some call me lucky. I feel that I am blesses. Even though I don't know my whole purpose in this life, I can hope that I can encourage someone else to rise above what life has dumped on them.

Foxxy18

I can't imagine going through what you have. Although, I have been through my fair share of abuse and have suffered from depression and anxiety. I also turned to food at a young age to cope. I'll add you and we can do this together!!

GaleHawkins

Our stories are all different but I had to get to the point I knew I was risking a nasty early death if I did not change at once. Since I was 63 and health failing fast I felt I was about to go down for the third and final time. 8 months later I am in better physical condition then in 30+ years and at my lowest weight in 22 years.

Keep moving forward looking to a brighter future vs the dark past. At least that helps me.

ejadewelch

From experience, losing weight and taking control of your health can be empowering because you can be in control......not some abusive son of a bee ....but you....strong, beautiful, goofy you!!!

huzan21

Keep your head up! You are a very strong person and I admire it very much!