not weightlossrelated. about adult friendships

mycrazy8splus1

I have been living in the same place for 6 years. We are active in our church and community but I feel like I have no friends. Maybe I have a screwed up view of what friends are suppose to do. I have never been invited to lunch or dinner with a friend. I have never been invited to go shopping or have coffee out (or even over at their homes). My kids have never been invited to birthday parties of people we know. It makes me sad that I see all these people post pictures on FB of their kids parties or other activites and we are never invited to them. They post messages saying how they are out having coffee with someone but it's never me. I'm I being too sensitive?

I live in a very rural place so that might have something to do with it. When we live in a large town I did have people that I did things with. I'm wandering if it's me, our new location, or something else. Any thoughts?

Hezzietiger1

Have u ever invited someone for coffee, dinner, or play date? Sometimes u just have to initiate. Maybe u give off an "im not into hanging out" vibe.

Sparlingo

Try being the initiator.

It's worth the risk of rejection for the chance of the reward of more meaningful friendships - especially since others might also be wondering why they lack the friendships they desire. If you think about your current situation, there isn't much to lose, right?

So go start something! Ask some women if they'd like to go for coffee. Start a walking or running group. Join or start a book club or small group Bible study.

I say all of this because I recently had to change my own mindset about friendships when I found myself longing for deeper ones. I realized *I* needed to be the one to dig in deep if that's what I wanted. I couldn't just wait for my own friendships to spontaneously go beyond a lighthearted surface level. I think the same thing applies if you want more friendships. Seek them out! People will be receptive, and if they aren't interested, they'll let you know in one way or another.

thistimewillbedifferent

I agree with the need to initiate. I move often for my job, and I've learned that the person moving into the new town needs to be proactive about initiating invitations. The people who already live there have their own lives and their own friends -- they're not usually out there looking to widen their circles. Once the newcomer suggests getting together, they're often happy to do so, and then they realize what you have in common, begin reciprocating invites, etc.

Another angle is to find something you're interested in and use it as a way to meet people in your community. Join a running club or a sewing group or a book club. If nothing like that exists, consider starting one. I've met loads of people by taking classes when I'm new to an area. Doing something where you can become a "regular" (whether at a gym or at a pub) also works over time.

Good luck and don't give up!

mycrazy8splus1

I have not asked anyone recently. When we first moved here I did. We had one couple come over for dinner in 6 years. We live almost 20 miles from town so I understand people not wanting to drive all the way out here. I feel like everyone here has been here for years and I'm an outsider. It might be that I have 8 kids and a lot of the time the kids come with me to everything. They might just not want that many kids around, which I understand. We are ex-Army and moved around a lot which is why I learned to get involved where ever we went. We started going to a church out here before we even had furniture at our new house! My kids joined wrestling this year and I have meet a few different people that seem a bit more open than the ones I have been 'friends' with. Maybe I will try inviting some of them out.

My0WNinspiration

They're scurred.

celtbell3

It probably is due to where you live. In some smallist town, people stay close to their childhood friends and that's who they have a relationship with - they don't let new people in. Good luck!

rml_16

Have you extended invitations?

Are your children friends with the children who are having parties?

If you don't seem to have much in common with the people you're meeting, try looking for groups on meetup.com with similar interests, or start one yourself.

sparkly86

i don't have so many friends, but i think it's important to at least have some good ones. it might feel odd at the beginning, but take the initiative to invite people. be confident about yourself and what to have to offer in a friendship.

dakotababy

I am in a similar situation...except I am also conflicted about it.
I am 24...and I have no friends (outside from my family, and my coworkers...of which I only associate at work)

Part of me wants to have friends...but the realistically...i don't really want to invest time into maintaining friendships. I had awful experiences as a child/teenager of which led me to get into trouble. I pretty much swore off friends and decided to focus on myself and my life instead of trying to "fit in" and since then...i never really cared to have friends.

I don't know, sometimes i think I am just waaaay too picky of who is "Friend-worthy". I used to have this amazing friend, until i found out she was cheating on her boyfriend and meeting random guys off of the internet (me and her have many different values)...so I just kind of stopped associating with her.

I don't know if you have ever seen the movie, "I love you, Man" - I am pretty much the guy in that movie. Me and my bf want to get married...but it is an awkward situation of me having 0 bridesmaids and him having like 100 to chose from for his groomsmen. lol

mmuzzatti

Yup, all the above you have to start it then if they don't invite you maybe somebody started a bad rumor or something. I would try to find one or two people that want to hang and see how it goes.

Good luck!

Contrarian

I have heard good things about the website "adult friend finder". Maybe you could make some nice adult friends on there?

Ultimately, you have to be a friend to have friends. Put yourself out there and invite people you like to do things with you. Good luck!

***I have just been told that "adult friend finder" isn't about making friends AT ALL! Don't go there!

rml_16

I have heard good things about the website "adult friend finder". Maybe you could make some nice adult friends on there?

Ultimately, you have to be a friend to have friends. Put yourself out there and invite people you like to do things with you. Good luck!

LMAO!

That's kinda mean, though.

anemoneprose

It really could be anything, we need to know more.

Is the community closed to new people? What does 'new' mean? Some places, you have to be there for generations to fit in.

Have you had these problems in other places, and at previous times in your life?

mycrazy8splus1

I had a lot of friends in high school. I was pretty popular and in college I had a few good friends and a lot of people that partied together. Part of it is definitely where we live. My hubby can't get promoted because he isn't a hometown boy and people don't let outsider in very well.

My kids are friends with these kids having parties. We go to church together and one of them lives right down the road from us and they spend the night over there sometimes. It seems like we can be friends but if there is a big get together it's hometown people only. It kinda sucks!

Thanks for all the responses and ideas.

I have heard good things about the website "adult friend finder". Maybe you could make some nice adult friends on there?

Ultimately, you have to be a friend to have friends. Put yourself out there and invite people you like to do things with you. Good luck!

***I have just been told that "adult friend finder" isn't about making friends AT ALL! Don't go there!

LOL. good to know. I'll stay away from there.

rml_16

It sounds like you're around some very rude people. Not much you can do about that.

anemoneprose

Are there any other families that are new to the town? Maybe that's a way around it.. Or - dunno if it's been said - host a few parties yourself?

Sorry about your luck. I'd have a hard time in a place like that.

whierd

fShaw86

I usually end up calling 12 of my friends, and only one will take me up on a coffee date if I'm lucky. Usually, you just have to be the one making the first move. And then post TONS OF PICTURES ONTO FACEBOOK. So everyone can see you're having fun. I kid. Have fun with people who make you happy, and then you'll have made friends.

LonLB

Not to be a jerk but this whoa is me attitude about the situation WILL drive people away.

I know someone who is always complaining about how nobody hangs out with her etc,etc. It's so off putting. She is so dramatic and self loathing that I had to delete her on facebook.

She has had oppurtunities too. I know another lady who has invited her to do stuff and she never does. When I was with my ex we invited her child over a few times and he never came. So we gave up.


They have several kids too so I can't help if this has some bearing on the situation.

LMT2012

Organize a coffee club and drive into town once or twice a month on a scheduled day/time. Leave kids behind if possible. Collect email addresses through that and keep scheduling that way and send fun stuff to people when you have a moment. No one likes a ringing phone any more, and that is why fb stinks - too much information on your general activities can leave other people hurt.

randomtai

Meh... friends are overrated :P

LonLB

I don't think leaving kids behind IS optional. It's a requirement.
Other people with kids find babysitters to be able to do things. If the amount of children you have prevents this then you just have to accept that you won't be doing much with any friends.

mycrazy8splus1

double post

mycrazy8splus1

Not to be a jerk but this whoa is me attitude about the situation WILL drive people away.

that's one reason I posted this question here and not on FB. I didn't want to come off as 'whoa is me' or hurt anyone's feelings. It's not that I sit around wandering why I never get invited places. With 8 kids and a farm to run I keep pretty busy. It would just be nice to be invited to something every once in awhile. My best friend lives in Texas and my other really good friend lives in IL. We just got together for a wedding and did all those girlie things that come with weddings (lunches together, out for coffee, shopping, ect). I am probably just missing that right now and will fall back into a routine again.

I don't think leaving kids behind IS optional. It's a requirement.
Other people with kids find babysitters to be able to do things. If the amount of children you have prevents this then you just have to accept that you won't be doing much with any friends.

My older kids are quite able to babysit so I don't have to bring my kids to everything (I tend to bring them with me when I go to town on errands and things so people see me with them all the time). I just wonder if the amount of kids I have makes people not ask me because they think I will bring all the kids.

anemoneprose

maybe the 8 kids is a turnoff, who knows?

making friends as an adult - like, *good* friends, bffs - is hard anyway, anywhere. especially in smaller places, people tend to stick to their college/high school buds.

have a barbeque, invite all your kids' friends and their parents, so they can get to know you guys a little bit.