Getting healthy while battling depression

saraevelyn21

Hi there,

I am brand new, as of today!

My story is probably very typical for a lot of people, I just wish I knew someone personally who could relate, and who I could lean on when I need to.

My name is Sara, I'm 23 years old - I am 5'3" and around 190 lbs and I live in SE Houston, TX.

In 2013 I got pregnant with my son Travis, I weighed 165 lbs, and I was "comfortable" at that weight. He was born March 2013, and passed May 2013 at two months old after being cared for by a sitter who was not supervising him.

After his death, I think I subconsciously tried to fill the void with food. I ate when I was sad, lonely, bored, to distract myself from myself, whenever someone wanted to get me out of the house we went to eat.. All the usual reasons.
I ended up trying a few different anti-depressants, but when I took them, I was unable to sleep at night without taking a sleep aide - And when I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares, most of them were about my son and his death. I'd wake up sweating and crying, my chest would hurt, I'd feel just terrible and I'd think about the dream and be even more upset about losing Travis.

If I skipped a pill, or took it late, I would completely crash and have serious thoughts of suicide.

BUT, I had been able to maintain my weight. I was working at an assisted living, so I was walking/jogging up and down halls for 8 hours, lifting/transferring residents, etc.. I wasn't eating the way I was immediately after he passed, because I didn't have time to sit down at work, then I would come home, eat a sandwich and go to sleep.

After a really bad incident where I had missed a pill, and ended up driving myself to the hospital, I decided that I needed to cut out the anti-depressants.

In July 2014, my Dad passed away. He had been very sick his whole life, he was waiting for a heart and liver transplant. We knew he didn't have much time left, but we were very optimistic that he'd be able to receive the transplant, so when he died it was very sudden and unexpected. He was at home, an hour away from me, and I hadn't seen him for a month before, I hadn't returned the text he sent me the day before telling me he loved and missed me. By the time I got to the hospital, he was gone. The amount of guilt I feel is completely overwhelming, and I'm not sure how to move on from that.

Since my Dad passed, and I've been un-medicated, I'm guessing that I've gained at *least* 20 pounds. I can see it all over my body. My face which I never had problems with before, my arms, my thighs, my belly. I've got dark patches where my bra sits under my arms, stretch marks in places I never had before, even when I was pregnant.

My boyfriend is supportive in the way that he feels like I should do whatever I want to do in order to feel better. If it means exercising, he'd support me. If it means eating 12 cupcakes with 2 cans of coke, he'd support me doing that, too.

I lost my job in February, and am now working very, very part time at a children's clothing store, so financial issues, losing my car, are all contributing to this weight on my shoulders. I have a lot of days off, a lot of time to exercise, but at this point I'm very lonely and would rather stay home and wait for my boyfriend to get home, than to try and do *anything* by myself.

I don't know how to get the motivation I need, but I do know that I've been feeling nothing but disappointment every time I look at myself - and I WANT to change.

Sorry if this was way too long, hopefully it's a step in the right direction!