Time to be honest with myself

mustanggal8740

Hello everyone, I know none of you know me…but that might be the thing that I need. I need to admit the truth to myself by telling everyone. It is something I am so ashamed by and I am terrified to admit to anyone but the truth is… I am fat.
I first realized this whenever my husband and I went to the science center and they had a scale there. I got on it and it said I was 200 pounds. This was back in 2012.( I was 140 and super skinny for my height. I really was happy. Then my dad passed away and I turned to food for comfort.) I never realized I was that big. Some of you may be thinking, that isn’t big at all, but for me…that is big. I then started looking at photo of myself and I couldn’t stand it. I decided then and there I couldn’t do it anymore and started exercising. We had a walking path that was exactly 2 miles. It was around a big lake so it even if it was hot, the lake kept it pretty cool. I found that my body could only handle 500 calories or else I would gain weight no matter how much exercise I would do. I then learned to cut out all soda, junk food, and processed foods. I learned to eat 3 square meals a day, and keep it at 500 or less with one cheat day. I learned to eat just fruit and vegetables, and low calorie chicken salads. Learning to eat better was a challenge because my husband is super skinny but he also can eat whatever and not gain a pound. Well, I finally reached my goal weight of 160 in just 3 months. I originally wanted to be 130 but I tried for another 3 months and I stayed the same so I sort of gave up on ever being skinnier than 160.
Perhaps it was then, I quit caring because I had reached my goal weight. I was happy to finally be able to eat my favorite foods again. I gained 10 lbs and decided that I was okay with 170 lbs as long as I was able to eat whatever I wanted. I maintained that for a good year. Well, our lives were busy. My husband worked 80 hours a week and he has his degree but he can’t find a job up north because he has zero experience in his degree. So we decided it was for our best to risk it all and move down to South Carolina. It is a good 10 hour drive and everything is different. We went from 2 cars to 1 and I went from a job I enjoyed to a job I have to tolerate. I have NO friends and NO family here. My husband will soon be starting his 3 month police academy training and I will be ALL by MYSELF.
I am really struggling and I keep telling myself I am on a vacation and I am going back to my friends and family. So I am eating over 1,500 calories a day and I put back all of the weight I had lost. Now I am at square zero. I get on the scale and see I am at 190 and I want to scream. I feel like crap but however I want that Klondike bar to help ease the pain. I tried going on a diet again and I can’t stomach doing all fruits and veggies again. I tried 500 calories of regular food but it wasn’t enough for my body… Yeah, I don’t really want to hear all the crap about me not eating enough, I tried the 2000K diet, tried 1,000K diet, and nothing worked but 500 calories and that was 3 solid meals of just fruits and veggies.
I made one friend down here and I ruined it because of my weight. I refused to go swimming, mainly because I cant find anything that fits me right. I wear black pants and big black tops with sleeves that go to my elbow. I like to throw a hoodie over my mid-section to help me from thinking about it. I made the whole situation awkward and now she doesn’t even reply to my messages. I am self-conscious about it. I want to be like my husband and be 150 and eat whatever he wants and make zero effort and always be skinny. We have a gym at our apt complex but I can’t seem to find motivation. Today was my first real day where I really tried. I jogged on 5.0 for about 40 minutes solid. I just don’t think I can do it daily. I hate the feel, smell of sweat. I have NO support and no friends and its really hard for me. I need support and friends I don’t want to get back to 200 lbs and I don’t want to be the fat girl who is hiding anymore. I would love to wear shorts and tank-tops and not sit there feeling embarrassed. I want to be me again and feel pretty. I know I can do it, but I don’t know how to get back into the swing of things. I just wish I had someone to talk to about this who understand what I am going through =/ Plus I cant fit into half of the clothes in my closet now =/
I just wanted to be honest with myself for the first time in public. I need to face the facts again. Guys, please don't be too hard on me. Thanks!

ABabilonia

http://www.amazon.com/Hunger-Fix-Three-Stage-Overeating-Addiction/dp/1623361583/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436406178&sr=8-1&keywords=food+addiction

Your story is similar to mine. I read that book, and it had helped me a lot (still helping me actually). You just need to find your ephipame moment, and that should be your motivation. Good luck

RodaRose

Get involved in your life -- do more jogging or other exercises, take a free online class, buy two new pretty colored tops that fit you perfectly for where you are with your weight. . . . .
Make some plans that will help you become more "you."

baldielove13

For losing the weight you want to lose, I would suggest that you stop beating yourself up so much. I get that losing weight is a big challenge. However, it can be done, and you CAN do it. Baby steps are important too.

If you are new to MFP, you should try it. The program works for some people, and doesn't for others. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Just find another plan that may work for you.

*You have to eat more than 500 calories a day. You can eat more, and lose weight. I promise. I know you said something about needing to do lots of exercise to offset eating more than 500 calories, but you don't have to. I even think I've read stories about people who were able to lose weight without exercising at all. This is your weight loss plan, so you can decide whether or not exercise will be a part of it.

I like the comment above about becoming more you. That's important too. Remember all those great reasons you listed about why you want to lose the weight. Good luck with the weight loss. Really.