Need some POSITIVE friends to counteract one very NEGATIVE person in my life!

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  • Sweets1954
    Sweets1954 Posts: 506 Member
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    I agree with those when suggest not bringing up the subject when you are with her. If she continues to give "advice" anyway, just say "Thank you for the advice/concern." and change the subject. You are doing what you know is best for you. You may want to limit the time spent with her and look for other people you can pal around with, maybe someone from your gym. Do you belong to any organizations or volunteer anywhere? Those are good sources for new friends as well.
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
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    sorry, this sounded more like a I-want-to-complain-about-my-one-and-only-friend rather than "hey fitness people! friend me!" Ask for what you want.
  • dennshah01
    dennshah01 Posts: 34 Member
    edited July 2015
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    Here's the plan. Your fitness and your weight loss goals are no longer a fit topic for conversation.

    Smile and change the subject.
    Firmly tell her the subject is closed and talk about something else.
    Bring up something highly personal that she needs to change.
    Abruptly cut the visit short if she brings up your fitness goals.
    Boundaries.

    http://jokes.cc.com/funny-school/25160g/two-southern-ladies

    I have managed to maintain association with high maintenance people by firmly defending my boundaries.

    My daughter did not agree with my weight loss plans and I was too vulnerable in the first few months to tolerate any negativity. So I simply kept her out of the loop.

    She is very proud of me now but she still worries that my running is too hard on me. She wants me to cycle.

    Eh. A fifty something woman has earned the right to do as she pleases. I mean, who we trying to impress any more? I swear it's like a second teenage fling, only better.

    =============

    I agree with @jgnatca advice. Since she tends to be aggressive over email, you may want to consider responding back in a day or so. Let her know that you don't want to talk about health/fitness with her because you know what you need to do and you are happy with your decisions. Let her know that if she keeps pushing, it may ruin your friendship her. Although you care and like meeting with her, it will get to the point where she will push you into feeling that the friendship is just an emotional hassle and too stressful to continue. As you meet other like-minded ladies and become friends, you may find that you will start letting her go naturally. It really is better to be around people who support you and let you be who your are, than people who antagonize and want to control you. You never know, at the risk of losing you as a friend, she may change her ways? You will be great! Good luck!
  • madrecon_3
    madrecon_3 Posts: 12 Member
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    I do not have a friend like that but I can relate to people who lose weight easily and always have to say that is not always positive.
    I have started and stopped several times but I am determined to stay the course I have cut out my favorites sweet tea, mountain dew and alot of bread.
    And I am working out at the Y during water exercise 3 times a week.
    Just remember you a doing this for YOURSELF and NO ONE else B)
  • ms_maruska
    ms_maruska Posts: 119 Member
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    You sound very rational and your plan to lose weight and exercise sounds very down to earth so I think you should just continue what you're doing. And regarding your friend.. well, I can relate (not regarding weight loss tho) and it's a tough one. What I've realized the best thing to do (from my experience) is to explain why you won't do it her way and that you've found out what is easiest and best for you regarding diet and exercise. Ignoring her might bring about bottled up emotions. However, everyone is different and you know her and your friendship the best so.. :)
  • fidangul
    fidangul Posts: 673 Member
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    Everyone has said more or less what I'm thinking.

    I wanted to congratulate you on being a very good friend ( to your friend). Not a of lot people would take someone else's c*** and still chat with them. But do try to make other friends, that doesn't mean that you are forgetting her. Change is good. I don't have a crowd of friends either just a couple of close ones. But making new friends, who are also trying to lose weight has helped me so much on my journey.

    Feel free to add me for some more positivity
  • kgeiger141
    kgeiger141 Posts: 78 Member
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    I had a similar issue with a friend (with her it was telling me to not work out though) and it contributed to a further weight gain. Sometimes it's best to not talk to them until you get in your routine and then not mention the new routine at all! There is lots of other stuff you can talk about, I'm sure! Also, if you want more MFP support, feel free to add me! :)
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    Hmm, seeing as you've tried so many times and here you are again...maybe your friend has a point.
  • stm712015
    stm712015 Posts: 138 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Losing weight and exercising is such a personal journey for me so I understand what you're saying. What your friend is doing would drive me crazy. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I agree with the others that have said to just stop talking about it. The next time she brings it up, I'd probably let her know that you've decided not to talk with others about it. That's it's a personal journey that needs to be done by you in your own way. She can choose to disagree with you, but she must respect your boundaries if you ask to not talk about it any more. It really is a lesson in setting boundaries with others that make you comfortable.

    Have you ever joined a MeetUp group? In my town they have some great walking and hiking ones and it's a super way to socialize. The thing I like the most about it is you can choose which outings to go on, or not, depending on your mood and the activity level your comfortable with and no one expects anything out of you (as far as how often you attend). There are groups for all kinds of interests. It's a great way to make friends.

    I'd love to be MFP friends with you. You seem like a very kind person and its wonderful to have positive people cheering us on!
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
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    Maybe it's time to put yourself out there to meet more people and make new friends.

    Meetup.com is one place to look. You can find groups of people in your area that have similar interests. It could be something as simple as a walking club, book club, cooking club, etc. Doing some volunteer work in your area may also be a good option for you too.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    edited July 2015
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    besaro wrote: »
    sorry, this sounded more like a I-want-to-complain-about-my-one-and-only-friend rather than "hey fitness people! friend me!" Ask for what you want.

    Asking for two things is permitted :)


    So, what I said to a friend that I respect immensely: "worry about your own diet". It worked. If anything they thought they were being supportive and reminding me what I should be doing, but I just had different ideas than them on how to go about things. We still love to chat about each other's fitness preferences and I definitely won't turn down their delicious food. Awesomeness :)

    Even if I'm doing things the wrong way, it makes no sense to strain our relationship to the point that we can't even talk to each other about common goals, etc. You're both interested in fitness. Great. That should be a point of commonality, not a reason for weirdness. I agree with the sit down conversations where you need to explain that you're doing things your own way and she needs to quit badgering you about it already. Maybe she doesn't know how annoying or stressful she's being!

    Another reason you can discuss with her is that if you're really all wrong, when you see the light and need to try something new, then you'll actually feel comfortable coming to her. If on the other hand, diet and fitness is a point of contention between you two, you would never even want to discuss it with her when/if you're ready. Basically you both need to live and let live and appreciate your differences
  • alwayssolomon
    alwayssolomon Posts: 8 Member
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    Losing weight is more about increasing your metabolism, not about counting calories.
  • Amy4President
    Amy4President Posts: 165 Member
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    I definitely think that you should surround yourself with some positivity. But I also think maybe you should try to see things from her perspective: she might be trying to help. It is sometimes hard to hear a friend talk about a problem and then sit back and not say anything. A lot of people's natural instinct is to help, and that could be where your friend is coming from.

    I would tell her that you appreciate her suggestions, but gently suggest to her that you've found something that you like and could really just use some support with what you've decided to go with. If she can't respect that, then I would leave out talk about your changes in diet and exercise.

    Best of luck!
  • stoogeswoman
    stoogeswoman Posts: 25 Member
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    Thought I would just post an update to this. I had breakfast with my friend as usual, and we did NOT talk about food or exercise (although I did tell her about the cute guy who tried to pick me up at the pool - hee hee!).

    She did a lot of ranting, as usual, but this time about issues relating to her job and her fears that she is going to be fired. I really feel bad for her, because I know that at her age and with her "issues", she would have a very difficult time finding another job if she lost this one.

    So I certainly am not going to "dump" her as a friend now, when she really needs one. But I will protect myself by avoiding the topics that set her off, and also by avoiding the emails in between weekly breakfasts.

    Thanks for all the suggestions and all the MFP "friend" requests! I really appreciate all the help!
  • NoIdea101NoIdea
    NoIdea101NoIdea Posts: 659 Member
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    alwayssolomon wrote: »
    Losing weight is more about increasing your metabolism, not about counting calories.

    Noooooooooope.

    All you need to lose weight is a calorific deficit; i.e, count your calories to make sure you are eating less than you burn per day. Simple, not easy.

    Good luck OP-we all have those people in our lives, and it can be difficult. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction though from your update!
  • babyleonard5
    babyleonard5 Posts: 41 Member
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    This reminds me of my mom.. We were at the store the other day so I was looking at labels on foods and expressing my shock at the amount of calories, carbs, etc in some stuff and she just kept rolling her eyes and going "Oh my God". Then she tried to encourage me to get some ice cream! You would think she'd be happy for me and encourage me since she knows I hate being fat and have been my entire adult life.. but no. I am also looking for positive friends. . I will add you! Anyone else, feel free to add me :)

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