Fight or Flight?

tretoptreece

For a long time I thought I was a fighter but looking back on different areas in my life, quite the opposite has opened my eyes to who I really am. Especially these past two weeks, I am so overwhelmed with life. I just want to run away. I'm sitting here in tears because I feel so helpless. I stopped everything last year to take care of my mom full time who had a massive stroke leaving her right side barely functioning. I have 3 kids and a great husband to whom I am so thankful for, I feel like I've totally neglected them since last year. I feel so much guilt about not doing more for them, it haunts me everyday. I'm a perfectionist, an organizer, and everything needs to have order in my life. Not to mention I have Fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, and several ruptured discs in my low back and neck. I'm really a private person, I can't believe I'm even posting this. I just was wondering how many of you would consider yourself fight or flight?

asoule9

I can relate with the back issues. My husband and kids have been great with all my issues I've gone through as well. You had to do what you needed to do and that was be there for your mom. Family always understands. When you have the time or can make some time then you will. Everyone seems very strong for you. You need to stay strong and keep pushing for them as well. Thoughts go out to you and your mom. Good luck and keep pushing forward.

On a side note I'm not sure all that you have done for your back but I just had a discectomy on my lower back. I'm not 100% but I feel much better and can do more with my kids. I know it's a big step but if you have done everything and it's not working like me. This might be an option for you.

tulips_and_tea

You are truly overwhelmed right now! So sorry to hear about your mom. Have you sought out help and resources for being a caregiver? That in itself is completely overwhelming. Do NOT feel guilty for "neglecting" your family. I'm sure they are all well cared for, loved, and understand your situation.

Can you get some assistance for your mom? Set priorities and delegate. Accept at this time that your mental and physical health is more important than living up to your own standards of perfection.

I'm sorry you are feeling helpless and take the time you need, but then realize that YOU are in charge: you can find others to help you with all of these things and I hope you can find some relief for your back. Hang in there and keep posting and venting!

tretoptreece

Thank you for the kind words. I had a discectomy on my L5 in 2010 when I re-ruptured my disc and it severed my nerves. I lost feeling from below the waist. My most recent surgeon won't do any surgeries on me. He said there's too many problems and just fixing one will not fix them all.

tretoptreece

BZAH10 wrote: »

You are truly overwhelmed right now! So sorry to hear about your mom. Have you sought out help and resources for being a caregiver? That in itself is completely overwhelming. Do NOT feel guilty for "neglecting" your family. I'm sure they are all well cared for, loved, and understand your situation.

Can you get some assistance for your mom? Set priorities and delegate. Accept at this time that your mental and physical health is more important than living up to your own standards of perfection.

I'm sorry you are feeling helpless and take the time you need, but then realize that YOU are in charge: you can find others to help you with all of these things and I hope you can find some relief for your back. Hang in there and keep posting and venting!

Thank you, I think I just needed to vent like you said.

mewilliams11

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a difficult year. I've been dealing with my grandmother who has end stage alzheimers, however I don't have to deal with the daily challenges that comes with her disease because she's now in a nursing home. However, the stress of an ailing family member is almost intolerable and your mother is lucky to have you.

I would like to think that I'm a fighter, but in reality I'm really not. I have days when I feel strong & ready to face the world & other days where I would like to run away to a deserted island. Life is hard, it's unfair at times, & can be full of stress. However, the fact that you have 3 children also proves to you how beautiful life really is.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I feel guilt all the time with trying to balance time with my kids & everything else in my life, but in the end, I'm sure you're family sees your struggles & they know you love them.

Remember to take care of yourself & know that you can't be everything to everybody all the time. This is a bumpy road in your life right now, but it will pass & things will get better.

Good luck

tulips_and_tea

Wow, you seem way to young to be dealing with all of this. Can you get a 2nd opinion? I know it's costly and time consuming, but there may be other options that you aren't aware of.

Given your health issues it's really unrealistic for anyone (including yourself) to expect you to be a caregiver to another adult. I realize she's your mom and that you'd do anything for her, I'm sure. But are there other family members that can help? Or can she hire someone?

asoule9

That is awful news and I would not except that. Time for a new doc. I also had sort of the same thing happen. My nerves were pinched and I lost feeling on the left side from the waist down. The relief after the surgery was amazing. I would definitely get another opinion. There has got to be something that can be done.

tretoptreece

mewilliams11 wrote: »

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a difficult year. I've been dealing with my grandmother who has end stage alzheimers, however I don't have to deal with the daily challenges that comes with her disease because she's now in a nursing home. However, the stress of an ailing family member is almost intolerable and your mother is lucky to have you.

I would like to think that I'm a fighter, but in reality I'm really not. I have days when I feel strong & ready to face the world & other days where I would like to run away to a deserted island. Life is hard, it's unfair at times, & can be full of stress. However, the fact that you have 3 children also proves to you how beautiful life really is.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I feel guilt all the time with trying to balance time with my kids & everything else in my life, but in the end, I'm sure you're family sees your struggles & they know you love them.

Remember to take care of yourself & know that you can't be everything to everybody all the time. This is a bumpy road in your life right now, but it will pass & things will get better.

Good luck

Thank you for the uplifting words. I'm sorry about your grandmother as well. There is a song my friend wrote for his grandpa called Papaws Song, it is about his grandpas battle with Alzheimer's. I will share the link with you if you want. It's on YouTube by Nate Leamon. Thank you again for the encouragement!

tretoptreece

BZAH10 wrote: »

Wow, you seem way to young to be dealing with all of this. Can you get a 2nd opinion? I know it's costly and time consuming, but there may be other options that you aren't aware of.

Given your health issues it's really unrealistic for anyone (including yourself) to expect you to be a caregiver to another adult. I realize she's your mom and that you'd do anything for her, I'm sure. But are there other family members that can help? Or can she hire someone?

Yes, I feel like an elderly person myself. One of my doctors suggested I go on disability but I'm too strong willed to even go down that road. I am thinking about getting a second opinion now. As for my mom, my 2 other siblings work too much to even help and I understand that. We do have 16 hours a week for help but for a bed ridden stroke patient that's really not a lot of help.

tretoptreece

asoule9 wrote: »

That is awful news and I would not except that. Time for a new doc. I also had sort of the same thing happen. My nerves were pinched and I lost feeling on the left side from the waist down. The relief after the surgery was amazing. I would definitely get another opinion. There has got to be something that can be done.

I'm so thankful I had my surgery done in WI. I feel like they really knew what they were doing. I could tell a huge difference after surgery but with the DDD and spinal stenosis I'm one wrong move from permanently being in a wheel chair. I just can't even imagine life like that.

So glad you got relief, thank you again for the encouragement!

tulips_and_tea

It's good that you have some help, but I realize that it's not nearly enough. It's not any of my business, but if you are a stay at home parent and your other siblings work, it should still NOT be assumed that you bear the burden of the care. If I'm wrong, I apologize. I just see that happen a lot. Unfairly. Being a parent is a full time job in itself.

Could you pursue short-term disability while you get a 2nd opinion? I understand the part of not wanting to, but if it is only for a short period of time until things settle down and you get additional help for you back it may be worth it.

tretoptreece

BZAH10 wrote: »

It's good that you have some help, but I realize that it's not nearly enough. It's not any of my business, but if you are a stay at home parent and your other siblings work, it should still NOT be assumed that you bear the burden of the care. If I'm wrong, I apologize. I just see that happen a lot. Unfairly. Being a parent is a full time job in itself.

Could you pursue short-term disability while you get a 2nd opinion? I understand the part of not wanting to, but if it is only for a short period of time until things settle down and you get additional help for you back it may be worth it.

I didn't even know short term disability could be an option? I will look into it. You are right about my siblings. Sometimes I get upset with them not being here more especially when I'm changing 10 diapers a day. I don't think they realize the work that goes into this. But it was my choice to not put her back in a nursing home. She went for 2 short months after being in the hospital then she went into kidney failure. She was on hospice and we called in family because she had started the active stage of death. That was September 2014. She is literally a miracle and I just can't send her "away" as she calls it. That's a promise I made to her when she was dying. (Just to give a brief history of her.)

dubird

tretoptreece wrote: »

BZAH10 wrote: »

Wow, you seem way to young to be dealing with all of this. Can you get a 2nd opinion? I know it's costly and time consuming, but there may be other options that you aren't aware of.

Given your health issues it's really unrealistic for anyone (including yourself) to expect you to be a caregiver to another adult. I realize she's your mom and that you'd do anything for her, I'm sure. But are there other family members that can help? Or can she hire someone?

Yes, I feel like an elderly person myself. One of my doctors suggested I go on disability but I'm too strong willed to even go down that road. I am thinking about getting a second opinion now. As for my mom, my 2 other siblings work too much to even help and I understand that. We do have 16 hours a week for help but for a bed ridden stroke patient that's really not a lot of help.

It doesn't have to be permanent disability, temporary would be enough to get your body in a better state. You need to focus on getting YOURSELF healthy. Otherwise, you can't be there for your mom. My grandpa took care of my grandma for years when she started the decline into Alzheimer's. It got bad enough that he ended up having a heart attack and she had to be admitted to a nursing home. Not the solution anyone really wanted for her, but he (and none of the rest of us) didn't have the medical knowledge and skill to take care of her and it was affecting his health. While he hated doing it, and had a problem with depression for a while afterwards, it was the best thing for everyone concerned. She got the medical care she needed, and he was able to keep himself healthy. If there's no one else that can help take care of her, look around and see about home health care for her for while. I know some insurances will actually cover it. That would give you time to heal up some more.

Also, defiantly get a second opinion on your back. The doctor is probably right that fixing one thing won't fix the others, but if fixing one thing means more mobility and less pain, it'd be worth it to me. There's been a lot of advances over the past couple of years, so other doctors might have some insight or knowledge your current one doesn't.

tulips_and_tea

No, people either without kids or who aren't at home with them all the time have no idea how much work goes into it! Perhaps you can remind your siblings nicely. This is a hot topic for me because it has happened in my husband's family. Won't derail your thread with details, but I've seen way too many times that it's just assumed that the child that doesn't work outside the home should be the caregiver. Absolutely not. The burden needs to be shared and I applaud you for the excellent care you are providing your mother.

Yes, look into short term disability. I don't know any details but I do know it's an option.

Lastly, if you've always viewed yourself as a fighter then, yes, you ARE a fighter. Sometimes we all just need breaks between rounds, right? You need a breather right now. You aren't running away. You are seeking ways to refuel and care for YOURSELF as well.

tretoptreece

dubird wrote: »

tretoptreece wrote: »

BZAH10 wrote: »

Wow, you seem way to young to be dealing with all of this. Can you get a 2nd opinion? I know it's costly and time consuming, but there may be other options that you aren't aware of.

Given your health issues it's really unrealistic for anyone (including yourself) to expect you to be a caregiver to another adult. I realize she's your mom and that you'd do anything for her, I'm sure. But are there other family members that can help? Or can she hire someone?

Yes, I feel like an elderly person myself. One of my doctors suggested I go on disability but I'm too strong willed to even go down that road. I am thinking about getting a second opinion now. As for my mom, my 2 other siblings work too much to even help and I understand that. We do have 16 hours a week for help but for a bed ridden stroke patient that's really not a lot of help.

It doesn't have to be permanent disability, temporary would be enough to get your body in a better state. You need to focus on getting YOURSELF healthy. Otherwise, you can't be there for your mom. My grandpa took care of my grandma for years when she started the decline into Alzheimer's. It got bad enough that he ended up having a heart attack and she had to be admitted to a nursing home. Not the solution anyone really wanted for her, but he (and none of the rest of us) didn't have the medical knowledge and skill to take care of her and it was affecting his health. While he hated doing it, and had a problem with depression for a while afterwards, it was the best thing for everyone concerned. She got the medical care she needed, and he was able to keep himself healthy. If there's no one else that can help take care of her, look around and see about home health care for her for while. I know some insurances will actually cover it. That would give you time to heal up some more.

Also, defiantly get a second opinion on your back. The doctor is probably right that fixing one thing won't fix the others, but if fixing one thing means more mobility and less pain, it'd be worth it to me. There's been a lot of advances over the past couple of years, so other doctors might have some insight or knowledge your current one doesn't.

Thank you for the insight. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me. I will take a lot of the advice into consideration!

tretoptreece

BZAH10 wrote: »

No, people either without kids or who aren't at home with them all the time have no idea how much work goes into it! Perhaps you can remind your siblings nicely. This is a hot topic for me because it has happened in my husband's family. Won't derail your thread with details, but I've seen way too many times that it's just assumed that the child that doesn't work outside the home should be the caregiver. Absolutely not. The burden needs to be shared and I applaud you for the excellent care you are providing your mother.

Yes, look into short term disability. I don't know any details but I do know it's an option.

Lastly, if you've always viewed yourself as a fighter then, yes, you ARE a fighter. Sometimes we all just need breaks between rounds, right? You need a breather right now. You aren't running away. You are seeking ways to refuel and care for YOURSELF as well.

I guess I can see your point, that was a great example of me fighting through life. Thank you for being such a help to me. I actually feel a lot better after this discussion. Thanks to all of you!

fiddletime

Wow. You are juggling a lot. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Your mother wouldn't want you disabling yourself on her account anymore than you'd wish that on one of your kids. You need to find some balance.