June 19, 2013
TheFinalThird
Posts: 315 Member
I woke up this morning with my soul in as dark a place as the ink-black, pre-dawn sky. I worked so very hard from July of 2012 to January of 2012 to lose 95 pounds. Through anger eating, grief eating, and stress eating, I have put back a number of the pounds that I had lost. My clothes fit more tightly, my enthusiasm and motivation waned, and my vision of a healthy, productive and long future with my wife and sons blurred. A three day out-of-town business trip awaits, with work packed tightly around other professional obligations that I must discharge between now and Friday night. Eating on the road. Eating while busy with work. Eating under the stress of committee meetings, a speech, and motions, orders and briefs that need to be drafted in- between. My food-based near past has been bleak and my food-based near future appeared to be bleaker.
Who am I to think that I can break the icy death grip that food has on me? What made me think that I could succeed where so many others have failed? I'd come so far, only to fall back so far. What real hope was there that I would experience the taunting dual fantasies of physical fitness and skinny jeans?
Then, out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention. I turned to the back door of my house and peered through the double-paned insulated glass to the sky outside. The early morning sun was making herself known. She doesn't appear suddenly in an instant blaze of light, heat, power and radiation. At first, she gently nudges the veil of darkness that envelops morning. Charcoal black turns to shades of purple, then blue, then red, then orange, then yellow, until the pure white of full morning sun returns the late-morning sky to its regal bright blue of daytime. And that is when I finally understood.
I cannot change five months of slovenly eating6 habits in one morning. But I can make one good eating choice at a time. And one good exercise choice at a time. And if I do, I can turn my personal eating sky from ink black to brilliant blue.
Yes, I've had some successes. Yes, I've experienced failures. But as I tell my son repeatedly, "nothing you did in your last at-bat can possibly affect the outcome of your next at-bat... unless you bring it into the batter's box yourself. Believe that you can achieve. Use the mechanics we've taught you, do the best you can, and have fun." Good words. Strong words. True words.
So here I sit. Listening to myself. Before Mrs.TFT and I hit the road in a bit, I will review my old message board posts and remember the things that gave me strength through those first 95 pounds. I will review the food diaries that will remind me of what has worked and what has not. Mostly, I will remember that the past cannot affect the present unless I allow it to do so. My memory of personal pride at taming my food monster will propel me forward. My sense of achievement of walking first a mile, then two, then three and four and five will spur me to walk again. My recognition that today is different than yesterday will give me the confidence to know that I can do this. I will do this. If I choose to do this. And I have.
Yes, I, TFT, screwed up eating-wise on March 19, 2013. And on April 7, 2013. And on May 23, 2013. And on June 4, 2013. But today is June 19, 2013. The TFT of days past is dead. I am older than he was. I am smarter than he was. I have the benefit of experiences and knowledge and successes and failures that he did not have. That is why the TFT of today, June 19, 2013, has the audacity, the timerity, the chutzpah, to declare that the TFT of June 19, 2013 is good enough, strong enough, smart enough and dedicated enough to succeed in taming his personal food monster, when the TFT of all of those other days was not. But first, where the hell did I put my phone charger?!?
Who am I to think that I can break the icy death grip that food has on me? What made me think that I could succeed where so many others have failed? I'd come so far, only to fall back so far. What real hope was there that I would experience the taunting dual fantasies of physical fitness and skinny jeans?
Then, out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention. I turned to the back door of my house and peered through the double-paned insulated glass to the sky outside. The early morning sun was making herself known. She doesn't appear suddenly in an instant blaze of light, heat, power and radiation. At first, she gently nudges the veil of darkness that envelops morning. Charcoal black turns to shades of purple, then blue, then red, then orange, then yellow, until the pure white of full morning sun returns the late-morning sky to its regal bright blue of daytime. And that is when I finally understood.
I cannot change five months of slovenly eating6 habits in one morning. But I can make one good eating choice at a time. And one good exercise choice at a time. And if I do, I can turn my personal eating sky from ink black to brilliant blue.
Yes, I've had some successes. Yes, I've experienced failures. But as I tell my son repeatedly, "nothing you did in your last at-bat can possibly affect the outcome of your next at-bat... unless you bring it into the batter's box yourself. Believe that you can achieve. Use the mechanics we've taught you, do the best you can, and have fun." Good words. Strong words. True words.
So here I sit. Listening to myself. Before Mrs.TFT and I hit the road in a bit, I will review my old message board posts and remember the things that gave me strength through those first 95 pounds. I will review the food diaries that will remind me of what has worked and what has not. Mostly, I will remember that the past cannot affect the present unless I allow it to do so. My memory of personal pride at taming my food monster will propel me forward. My sense of achievement of walking first a mile, then two, then three and four and five will spur me to walk again. My recognition that today is different than yesterday will give me the confidence to know that I can do this. I will do this. If I choose to do this. And I have.
Yes, I, TFT, screwed up eating-wise on March 19, 2013. And on April 7, 2013. And on May 23, 2013. And on June 4, 2013. But today is June 19, 2013. The TFT of days past is dead. I am older than he was. I am smarter than he was. I have the benefit of experiences and knowledge and successes and failures that he did not have. That is why the TFT of today, June 19, 2013, has the audacity, the timerity, the chutzpah, to declare that the TFT of June 19, 2013 is good enough, strong enough, smart enough and dedicated enough to succeed in taming his personal food monster, when the TFT of all of those other days was not. But first, where the hell did I put my phone charger?!?
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Replies
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Beautiful as always Scott! I have faith in you. You have pulled many along with you on your journey, and that makes you a hero. Glad to see you believing in yourself. You can, and will tame that monster. He may snap at you once in a while, but NEVER devour. Hope you have a great trip.0
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The old me has screwed up too. The me 12 months ago that would have scoffed at the idea of eating cookies - what wasted calories. The me that worked out straight after work and then went for a walk with my kid and ran around the park -- the me that then decided that those calories looked pretty good and what did it matter if I ate them since I am 150lbs down from my highest weight. What is the point of being thin if I can't enjoy those calories? Right?
I only gained 20lbs back. But I feel it every day shake my confidence, I feel myself still needing that junk food or extra rest day-even-though-yesterday-was-rest-day. I am trying too. So good luck to you.0 -
Very nicely put. I can empathise on many levels. We all face hurdles, and we can all get past them. Inspirational as ever!!0
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Great post! A key turning point for me was realizing that my bad choices did not erase my good choices. I used to feel like "why was I even good the last 3 days just to end up blowing it today? I should have never tried!!" But now I see the value in those 3 good days and recognize that my lapse on the 4th day did not make my 3 good days worthless. We're human which makes being perfect out of the question. If we allow ourselves to celebrate the good choices then we'll continue to make more of them and the bad choices will just be a little insignificant blip that we no longer give our power to.0
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Please may I steal your quote, "Nothing you did in your last at-bat can possibly affect the outcome of your next at-bat... unless you bring it into the batter's box yourself."? That is great advice!! Get back up and keep pushing. It's not the end of the game!0
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Of course you can do this,you have already proven that,already done that.We can all do just as best we can.
Best of luck in making good choices.0 -
Great read as always! I've screwed up too (many times), and no doubt, I will screw up again... but long term we are going to WIN! :drinker: I am confident in your continued success and I'll be right there with you continuing on this journey. *pat on the back*
Love the quote: "Nothing you did in your last at-bat can possibly affect the outcome of your next at-bat... unless you bring it into the batter's box yourself." I have to remember that one the next time I feel down in the dumps. :flowerforyou:
Thanks for being my MFP friend. You are an inspiration!
Kat0 -
The trouble with life is that rubbish happens! The strong, like you my friend, get up, dust yourself off and go at it again! We are all going to have days where it is just not going to happen (my yesterday for starters) but the biggest difference between us a year ago and us now is that we know we can do it - We just have to prove it!! Re the phone charger, have you checked the fridge??0
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Similar thoughts on a different (but related) subject....
"[War] is instinctive.
But the instinct can be fought.
We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!
But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers...but we're not going to kill...today.
That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill...today!"
James Tiberious Kirk, Captain - Star Fleet0 -
Good morning!
Very inspiring words.
Now is what matters, the past is back there for a reason.0 -
You are good enough, strong enough, smart enough and dedicated enough to succeed... You have already succeeded... you have managed to pull off 95 pounds... you are amazing, an inspiration, and a hero to many people on MFP... I have faith in you, sweetie! You are awesome! And all of your friends here are willing to support you. You can do this! So, you've had a rough way to go recently... we all hit those from time to time... the key to success is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other! You've got this!0
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Love this!0
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I love your description of the morning sky!! You have such a lovely way with words :flowerforyou:0
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You are loved by many, but most importantly Mrs. TFT and Junior TFT. Stalls, falls, stumbles, trips, spills...Happen. But just like in Batman... "why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." YOU, sir, are far better equipped to pick yourself back up than many! You have a years worth of experience and learning under your belt that you didn't have while you were stumbling on your way this time last year. YOU have successfully navigated your way through stressful situations that you should NOT have had to deal with, and heartache that you should not have had to endure...but you DID...and you did it gracefully and patiently AND managed to stay on track better than *I* ever could have hoped to...AND YOU KEPT LOGGING THE WHOLE TIME!!! So, while you are upset with recent choices, don't negate all of the wonderful, AMAZING even, choices that you have CONTINUED to make daily. You have COME here daily. You have continued to LOG all of your foods, You have continued to MOVE most days...YOU have more energy than you had a year ago. YOU have continued to encourage and inspire those of us lucky enough to be in your circle of friends here on MFP! Allow me to be a handhold for you to grasp to steady yourself as you pick yourself up...I'll even help dust you off!!! Celebrate the fact that your Superman image now has it's Clark Kent human counterpart coming out occassionally letting the rest of us know that you ARE human and we CAN join you and succeed on this journey. That life will happen, it is HOW we choose to respond that matters!
Keep on keeping on! We are here to keep you from falling too far!
HUGS0 -
Those of us on your FL know you have had an emotionally challenging 5 months, yet you've kept pushing through with a great outward attitude. You have inspired me and countless other more times than you know- and made me giggle just as much. None of us is perfect, nor should we try to be. All we can do is be the best that we know how to be.
Thanks for your honesty and poignancy. You're an amazing fellow!0 -
Like we say here at our house, and quoting some radio jock from Cinci, "Love you, love your show!"
Just do it Scott, like we know you can. We got your back.0 -
I love this post!! It is soooo me right now!! Have been totally kicking myself in the *kitten* for gaining back 18 lbs.
, but I am getting back on the horse. While we may have "slipped" for a little while, we certainly haven't fallen!! Hang in there Scott
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Can you pleeeeease remind me of all of this in about 13 weeks, after I have been home from the hospital for a while and am looking at my post (3rd) baby body and trying not to compare what I see then to what I was seeing in the mirror over this last Christmas? Pleeeeeease!0
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