Back to Square One - lets do that again the right way!

beckygammon

Hey I'm Bec and I'm new to MFP.

I have lost weight in the past , but for the wrong reasons (seeking approval from ex fiance and his judgey mcjudgerson parents) and the wrong way (eating disorder territory). Every time I have gained all the weight back (obviously) plus more due to all the extra issues I had that comes with losing weight that way and then gaining it back. Couple that with this stupid irrational fear that I am going to get seen by my ex or his parents,who don't know that I have gained so much weight, and be happy that he left me and judge me all over again (because apparently if you are fat you are obviously lazy and you are never going to get anywhere in life).

I don't know why I still feel this way considering we broke up over 4 years ago, I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me no matter what and above all I don't have feelings for him in the slightest. I think the 5 years that I was with him, especially considering it was through my teen years into the year I turned 20, I was always judged and constantly doing everything I could to keep him and make his parents happy (which was to be smoking hot, clean the house, cook, study and work and look after him like a mother would - they actually would tell me off if I let him leave the house without shaving) and that has really affected me, clearly.

I also now feel that everyone else wants me to do these things, and that everyone is judging me. When I leave the house I feel like people view me as less of a human being because of my weight and I am scared to do things that might highlight my weight (even though it is clearly noticeable). I even allow the fear of seeing him or his parents, or someone they all know, stop me from going to Perth and doing things I need to do. If I have to go to Perth for some reason ( I live about 2 hours away) I get anxious and have once had a panic attack. Sometimes people don't realise the damage they can do to a person. But it is my problem now and that is why I am here dealing with it.

So now here I am with this novel of an introduction post, the heaviest I have ever been and feeling helpless. Until... I found macros. I have only been doing them for three days, but already my relationship with food has begun to change. Everyone has said that MFP is the best website for macros due to the verification process of foods. I would love to hear from any one else in a similar situation, who may also have a lot of weight to lose, who may want to be a far away fitness/diet buddy.

Thanks.

Bec