Hating feeling guilty about food

mellissaamos

I used to be underweight by a good twenty odd pounds. I was in a bad place in my life and now that I've gained weight, it's becoming hard to look at myself in the mirrors. None of my old clothes fit, I look terrible in my work uniform .

I don't wanna be a toothpick anymore but I want to feel happy with myself. I'm 5'11 and 170 pounds. It's a huge leap from my 110 pounds I used to be.

My boyfriend says it's in my head but I can't help but look at my thighs and cringe or the fact that I have cellulite everywhere. I caught my self getting crazy with calorie counting and It makes me sad. I want to be happy. I want to be brave.

aledba

Do you have a trusted medical professional you can talk to? Like a registered dietician or psychologist?

JayRuby84

One step at a time. It really does sound like a therapist who specializes in eating disorders would be beneficial to you. I wish you the best.

AsISmile

I agree with the others, perhaps a therapist can help you improve your self image.

I can totally understand the feeling though. At some point two and a half years a go I suddenly started losing weight, and I was unable to gain it back at the time or even halt it, so I became underweighted. I absolutely hated it. Besides looking unhealthy, the worst thing was the weakness of my body and feeling lethargic all the time. I struggled with the idea of having to gain the weight back because we live in such a lose society. It felt weird that I wasn't happy with my lower weight because having a lower weight was good right? Anyway, took me two years but gained it all back, and yes looking in the mirror is weird, because suddenly there is fat all over my body again... However, this is not necessarily a bad thing. This extra fat for example allowed my breast to go back to their original shape after becoming pretty deflated from the weightloss. I also got some curves back, and sitting down on hard chairs was becoming less uncomfortable again.
But the most important thing is that my body feels healthy again. I'm not tired all the time, no longer strugle with eating. Going out is no longer something scary. I can live again.

I really think your focus should be on celebrating your body for all that it does for you. Those pounds you gained, be proud of them. It has probably improved your quality of life. Yes your body looks different and yes your clothes don't fit anymore, bit that is a reward for all your hard work! At 5'11 you shouldn't be wearing size xs (isn't that too short anyway?). Go out, buy new clothes. Celebrate and be happy that you did it and now have a healthy happy body that does not hold you back. It's not a body you have ever had before, it is however the body you dreamed off (atleast weight/health wise). It is time to accept the new you.
If you really struggle with this, a therapist can probably help you see the truth of this. There's no shame in that.

Patttience

What's the healthy weight range for your height? You can be anywhere within that range and you'd be safe. Eat nutritiously. And if you want to cut down the softness, have a moderate fitness program - not more than one hour per day about 5 days a week.

I also recommend keeping regular checks with a therapist or councillor. I think when you have the sorts of problems you've got with your attitude to your body weight and appearance, you should always have someone who are feel good with who you can turn to whenever things seem to be going a bit wonky or difficult.

Until you are 100% comfortable in your skin I think you need this extra support. I used to work in an eating disorder's clinic and have a lot of experience with mental health issues though not a professional.