moving on after a friendship ends

GirlWithCookies

I'm not going to lie, a big reason why I've gained back 13 pounds in the past few months is that a close friend of 10 years stopped being a part of my life with no explanation, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I know it's not healthy to "eat my feelings" (and I don't want to), so what is a constructive way to accept it and be able to manage the awful feelings?

A little background: I have known this person since freshman year of high school. She had been my closest female friend for the past few years and I loved her like a sister. We live about an hour away from each other now (after being in totally different places for a while) and would talk maybe on a weekly basis and see each other a couple of times a month (we have very different work schedules). I know that I've perhaps leaned on her too much because I can be kind of emotionally high maintenance, but I have told her more than once that I have her back and she can rely on me like I rely on her. But she's not the kind of person to just lay out all of her personal stuff without prompting.
One day, I noticed that she hadn't been responding to any of my FB messages or texts for a couple of weeks. Over the next several weeks (it has now been about 5 1/2 months since I've heard from her) I tried contacting her with no response. She didn't acknowledge my birthday, nor did she respond to the "happy birthday" voicemail/FB message I left her. I assume that I did something to deeply offend her, because she is not the kind of person to just drop someone out of the blue. I have tried to apologize (via phone, Facebook, text, and even sent her a card in the mail) and have asked that she tell me what I did. She doesn't pick up her phone or respond at all.
If she doesn't want me in her life, I'll respect that — but not knowing what I did to make her cut me off is what kills me, and she knows me well enough to realize that. It has been a few months, so I know I "should" just move on, but I miss her so much and I feel so ashamed that I was oblivious to something that hurt my friend. Honestly, that is the only explanation I can come up with — that I MUST have done something really, really bad that made her hate me.

Anyways, any advice? I want to cry (or eat) every time I think about it.

Also, I'm sorry this post is so long.

ponycyndi

Crying is good. It's ok to cry. I wish someone would have told me that long ago, so I could have cried instead of eating my feelings as much as I have.

It's not much help, but try to not put all your eggs in one basket. Call or visit another friend or family member. If you don't have any, now would be a good time to put yourself out there and make some.

GirlWithCookies

You're right, I should be making an effort to make new friends. I've just never been very socially adept. I do have other friends, but they're not really in my area. And they're mostly guys. Don't get me wrong, they're great, but female-to-female friendship connection is just different than female-to-male. Thanks for the advice!

starling01

I am so sorry. I went through the end of a very close friendship like that - she just disappeared, wouldn't respond, and I never did know what happened. It hurt just about more than any loss I've ever been through and that includes divorce. There isn't any way to force her to explain. You may not have done anything to hurt her or nothing that makes any sense to you. Sometimes people move on for reasons that make sense only to them. There isn't anything you can do but let it go - you can't make someone respond so it isn't a matter of 'should'. You have no choice. Eventually it will stop hurting. It really will. Know it and accept the fact that until it does, you will hurt, but it won't be forever.

I'm going to suggest doing something for someone else, either as a volunteer or for a group you already know. Do it in person. Helping others takes your mind off your own pain, and it will distract you from eating. You have nothing to lose by trying it and someone else may really need your help, too.

Hang in there. You sound like a good person. Do not blame yourself.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Liftng4Lis

These things happen and unfortunately, you have no control over them. You do however have control over you. Be the best one you can be.

feisty_bucket

Maybe there was an accident?

GirlWithCookies

I know you all are right. I guess I just needed to hear (read) it from an impartial third party.

feisty_bucket, as far as I know she's fine. We're still friends on Facebook, so I check up on her once in a while. My parents go to the same church as hers and they haven't heard anything, either.

Machka9

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

We live about an hour away from each other now ...

One day, I noticed that she hadn't been responding to any of my FB messages or texts for a couple of weeks. Over the next several weeks (it has now been about 5 1/2 months since I've heard from her) I tried contacting her with no response. She didn't acknowledge my birthday, nor did she respond to the "happy birthday" voicemail/FB message I left her. I assume that I did something to deeply offend her, because she is not the kind of person to just drop someone out of the blue. I have tried to apologize (via phone, Facebook, text, and even sent her a card in the mail) and have asked that she tell me what I did. She doesn't pick up her phone or respond at all.

Have you actually gone to her place? You only live an hour away from each other. Turn up at a time you figure she'll be there and see her in person.

momoharuno

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

ArtsyActive1401

Maybe something to think about...

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON... It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON... because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown

GirlWithCookies

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

Alatariel75

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

I think that's very wise.

momoharuno

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

A good way to keep a healthy friendship, if you are someone who tends to be a little negative naturally, is to keep track of your conversations. I.e. "was I negative last time I talked to them? Then I should probably just ask them about themselves and be optimistic" if every third conversation you have you share some of your problems and make the other two happy conversations then no one will mind when you are a little negative a problem shared is a problem halved, but those halves add up on the other person over time, I know you don't want to trouble anyone and I'm sure you we're just looking for a shoulder and comfort I believe you are right and that showing up at her house might be crossing the stalker line, I would use this as a learning experience and try something different with your future friends, I know you can do it!

fiddletime

I am usually "the listener" with my friends. I don't tend to share much stuff because I'm a pretty upbeat person. After years of listening, it sometimes just gets too one sided and tiring. There's nothing wrong with what the other person is doing, but the Season (from that great quote above) is over and I need space and drift away. I think anything I might say would be hurtful so I say nothing.

Give your friend some space and see if, in a year or so, she starts a FB friendship again. If she doesn't take that first step, let it be. You did nothing wrong but your personalities aren't fueling both of you, energy wise. Long term friendships need to be positive energy for both friends. Or at least balanced.

GirlWithCookies

I had no idea that I could be a negative presence in her life. How could I be so oblivious? I feel awful.

pootle1972

Then learn from it....become a better person for yourself and better friend to those that come next.

GirlWithCookies

You're right, I'm sorry.

hybridtheory45

I ghosted my former bff a few years ago, so I can also offer a little insight from your friend's perspective. We had also been bffs since high school, at one point were roommates, did everything together, etc. I am completely socially awkward and do not make close friends easily, and while I had other people I was friendly with, she was truly my only close friend and I was absolutely blind to the way she treated me. When I started dating my now husband, he saw right away how selfish, negative, and backstabbing she was, and it took a good 5 months of him pointing out things she did (like agreeing in advance to help me at a tradeshow I was working, then not showing up the day of with no notice at all, or immediately trying to hook up with men I was interested in as soon as I shared my feelings with her, then telling them that I was interested and laughing it off that they preferred her) for me to finally realize that she was one of the most selfish and uncaring people I had ever known. I couldn't believe I had let her take advantage of me for so long. I immediately wanted nothing to do with her, and never talked to her again. I didn't feel like I owed her anything after all she had taken from me emotionally and sometimes financially. For the record, she never tried to get in touch with me either, so I doubt she even cared. Its one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I'm not saying that your friendship was one-sided like that, but I honestly believe she was completely oblivious to how she was. That, and we grew up. We weren't in high school anymore and were totally different than when we first started hanging out. I matured, she never did. And while an explanation might have been nice for her, I was just so emotionally drained that I just couldn't.

999tigger

I know that I've perhaps leaned on her too much because I can be kind of emotionally high maintenance, but I have told her more than once that I have her back and she can rely on me like I rely on her. But she's not the kind of person to just lay out all of her personal stuff without prompting.

It sounds pretty one sided and people are different. Someimes people say ask me for anything, but what they really mean is ask me for anything within reason. I would think your friend has made her choice for a reason, but it might not be anything dramatic, but you have just worn her down and one day she felt like shed had enough and it was too one sided. You also dont know if anything dramatic has happened in your friends life and she just doesnt have the energy for you at the moment.

I assume that I did something to deeply offend her, because she is not the kind of person to just drop someone out of the blue. I have tried to apologize (via phone, Facebook, text, and even sent her a card in the mail) and have asked that she tell me what I did. She doesn't pick up her phone or respond at all.

As i said it ould just be youve worn her down over time. have you always been high maintenance, sometimes just saying sorry or being dramatic and needy about it will just confirm the reasons why she needed a break. For the moment she obviously doesnt wish to speak to you.

If she doesn't want me in her life, I'll respect that — but not knowing what I did to make her cut me off is what kills me, and she knows me well enough to realize that.

that I MUST have done something really, really bad that made her hate me.

Id hazard a guess is she doesnt want drama and this is drama. She wants a break. Does she have a friend thats on touch that still speaks to you and can be relatively objective? Maybe You cna speak to them or pass on a message. She could also verify your friend is ok. If you are going to pass on a message keep it short and relatively neutral not needy and dramatic. That way you cna get your message across rather than confirming to her why she cut you off. Give yourself a break and stop thinking it has to be something horrible or she hates you. Apologies might just make it worse if all she wants is no contact. Stop posting on her facebook and let things settle maybe send her a Christmas card. If she wnats to talk she knows where you are.

Ps ofc im speculating, but one day if she every speaks to you she might let you know. If you have other friends then maybe they will tell you what you are like as a friend.

shrinkingletters

You sound 100% like a friend I just dropped several months back. We had been friends for nearly 10 years, despite occasionally living far away from each other and not seeing each other more than every couple of months before she moved back. I've chosen to ignore her calls, texts, cards, etc. Why? I'd explained various times before I finally let go of our friendship, but she didn't get it. She only came to me when times were bad, would only come see me if I was depressed. If I just wanted to be with my friend and everything was fine? She'd make excuses not to show up. Now, on the one hand, I was grateful that we had each other's back whenever things went south for one another, but it began to feel like that was singularly the purpose of our friendship. I needed a friend, not just a therapy session every so often. It was like she was only drawn to misery, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I finally just stopped communicating because it was getting too stressful to try and have a normal friendship that didn't involve tragedy 100% of the time. I care about her and I love her, and sometimes when things are bad I wish I could call her, but it was getting unhealthy, tiring, and disappointing.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that possibly you weren't listening. Maybe she's a jerk. Maybe it was 50/50. Who knows, the point is no one should have to beg for someone's friendship. So do your best to move on. Maybe one day she'll explain, but don't hold your breath.

edit:

The last thing I want to do is explain all the above to her, because she's very high maintenance, emotionally, and the last thing I want is to get my point lost in a crying session.

Do I sound like a jerk? Sure. I know I do, but years of this sort of thing can make you a little tired.

GirlWithCookies

Okay. Thanks, everyone.

shrinkingletters

To address one of your concerns:

Don't use this experience as a reason to overeat. Growing up with emotionally dependent or emotionally manipulative (usually one and the same, though not alway entirely conscious of the fact) people has taught me that they'll often resort to outwardly presenting self-harm, self-deprecation, self-pity in order to emotionally blackmail those around them. Example: "look what you made me do"/"I'm stupid and useless and your behavior just proves it", in order to force sympathy or guilt out of someone, and back into your life.

Make sure you're not doing this, please. Acknowledge that emotionally blackmailing a person back into your arms will build resentment. Own up to your actions and how you care for yourself. Lose the weight-if the weight gain is bothering you-and make new friends with a conscious effort to bring something positive to the table. This might mean taking some time alone to work on yourself.

999tigger

Just to add again, dont take it to heart, give it time, put it to one side and get on with other positive things in your life.

aledba

Machka9 wrote: »

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

We live about an hour away from each other now ...

One day, I noticed that she hadn't been responding to any of my FB messages or texts for a couple of weeks. Over the next several weeks (it has now been about 5 1/2 months since I've heard from her) I tried contacting her with no response. She didn't acknowledge my birthday, nor did she respond to the "happy birthday" voicemail/FB message I left her. I assume that I did something to deeply offend her, because she is not the kind of person to just drop someone out of the blue. I have tried to apologize (via phone, Facebook, text, and even sent her a card in the mail) and have asked that she tell me what I did. She doesn't pick up her phone or respond at all.

Have you actually gone to her place? You only live an hour away from each other. Turn up at a time you figure she'll be there and see her in person.

If someone doesn't want to see your face and you go to their house, that doesn't usually go well.

yesimpson

It sucks to lose a friend, no matter what the circumstances. I'm sure she doesn't hate you. Try not to internalise this as being proof of something being a bad person or inferior. It sounds like you both just had different ideas about what a friendship should involve. I think you have been offered some valuable insights here, and you can apply them to future friendships. Don't punish yourself by overeating.

cwolfman13

in my experience, people just grow apart, especially when we're talking high school friendships. there is a lot of changing that goes on between being a 15 year old freshman and a 25 year old. I don't spend any meaningful time with my best bros from high school...we may see each other here and there in passing, but that's about it...and yeah, we were all tight back in the day.

racheljonel

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

This for sure. I've been in this situation recently as well. And honestly, sometimes after dealing with all of their emotional drama for years, the last thing you want to do is have a big pow-wow about why you want distance from them. It's easier just to cut ties.

JustMissTracy

momoharuno wrote: »

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

A good way to keep a healthy friendship, if you are someone who tends to be a little negative naturally, is to keep track of your conversations. I.e. "was I negative last time I talked to them? Then I should probably just ask them about themselves and be optimistic" if every third conversation you have you share some of your problems and make the other two happy conversations then no one will mind when you are a little negative a problem shared is a problem halved, but those halves add up on the other person over time, I know you don't want to trouble anyone and I'm sure you we're just looking for a shoulder and comfort I believe you are right and that showing up at her house might be crossing the stalker line, I would use this as a learning experience and try something different with your future friends, I know you can do it!

You are very wise...good advice xo

momoharuno

JustMissTracy wrote: »

momoharuno wrote: »

GirlWithCookies wrote: »

momoharuno wrote: »

I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships

You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

A good way to keep a healthy friendship, if you are someone who tends to be a little negative naturally, is to keep track of your conversations. I.e. "was I negative last time I talked to them? Then I should probably just ask them about themselves and be optimistic" if every third conversation you have you share some of your problems and make the other two happy conversations then no one will mind when you are a little negative a problem shared is a problem halved, but those halves add up on the other person over time, I know you don't want to trouble anyone and I'm sure you we're just looking for a shoulder and comfort I believe you are right and that showing up at her house might be crossing the stalker line, I would use this as a learning experience and try something different with your future friends, I know you can do it!

You are very wise...good advice xo

Thank you, I'm flattered

MSMomNurse

As the person who has just purposely drifted away -

Friendships change over the years. A woman I just recently ended contact with had been my best friend since 8th grade - and I'm in my thirties if that tells you anything. We were inseparable, people often mistook us for sisters, and even her mom had made comments about us having been sisters in a past life. Even after I moved two states away in high school, we still visited each other, called each other, wrote each other, even met up on AOL sites to chat. During college we talked all the times. As we got jobs, we tried to visit as much as we could afford. We'd been through family deaths, getting married, having kids, endings of relationships, basically just life.

But there was this growing chasm between us - she kept going back to college and getting involved in all sorts of social justice campaigns. She attended protests and riots, moved to a huge, violent city, took up recreational weed smoking, worked graphics jobs.

I was busy raising my kids, being a school sports mom, working a highly-educated licensed professional position, living in the country, helping the hubs run a farm.

She kept talking/posting/advertising all these social justice issues, ranting about white privilege, cis-privilege, white-collar privilege. She lectured me on how I was utilizing my privilege and oppressing others. She lectured EVERYONE. She became a walking tumblr account.

And she made my trials and tribulations sound petty and ridiculous. I was struggling with the heavy responsibilities of my new job? Well at least I had one, lots of poor inner city folk can't get one. Struggling with my son's ADHD diagnosis? At least I can send him to a doctor and pay for his medications, lots of poor inner city people can't afford doctors or medicine. Struggling with the demands of my continued education required by my job? At least I could go to school, yadayadayada. She lectured me on the death rates and suicide rates and abuse rates of GLBTQIA individuals, full well knowing that everyday is a struggle for my eldest son, who loves the color pink, watches My Little Pony faithfully and enjoys playing football when not making loom bracelets for friends. She soon indirectly mocked and ridiculed what was essentially my life - rural, blue-collar, middle-class. I had become the enemy, and this colored all of our interactions.

Through it all, she was oblivious.

So I just slowed down the conversations, called less frequently, wrote fewer emails. I stopped tagging her in facebook. Soon, we weren't talking at all. And it hurt me, really bad. I gained weight at the time as well, because I had just lost my longest, deepest best friend, and I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it.

But I realized just how much she had hurt me as well. She had made me constantly feel little and petty. I shouldn't have had to feel that way when talking to my best friend. She wasn't really my friend. Not anymore.

So, you need to take a real good look at yourself. Did you dominate the conversations? Did you minimize her struggles when talking about yours? Did you only call/write/see her when you were falling apart?

For every end, there is a new beginning, and you can learn a lot from this end. Use this time to work on your "neediness" and get used to being okay with yourself. Learn to reduce your drama on your own. Become more self-reliant and calm. These are all qualities that attract new friends. After ending my friendship with the first BFF, I've been able to identify people similar to her, and I don't attempt to friend them. I seek out others who are more balanced and calm. Do the same, become who you want to be friends with.

TL;DR - it hurts the person moving on too. Learn from it, change the things you don't like (neediness, being flaky, drama), and seek out others who are like what you want to be. Grow.