Need Support - Dealing with stressful situation!

RoseTheWarrior

Hey all, I'm still fairly new to the site but I'm hoping to get some encouragement at this time. I've been working on myself for a while now. Seeing a psychologist, finally admitting I need anti-depressants, settling in my job, etc. OK, so I'm doing alright!

BUT THEN my youngest, who is 21, living close by but on his own (with roommate) is going through a really tough time. He is going through transgender changes (he was originally my daughter). He has issues with a lot of things, but mostly he's really depressed, unemployed, burning through savings, etc. I'm helping him find some counselling and community assistance, but I simply don't have the funds right now to assist him with cash. His stress and depression is making me doubt myself as a parent, and as a person. I struggle with feeling my son has some possible emotional/mental disorders and just feeling like he's lazy and refuses to structure his life.

He's staying with me and hubby for a few days, and that's creating more stress, as my hubby is not his dad, and I feel so much that he doesn't really want my son there. I'm ready to break down and binge eat. I haven't yet, but I really, really need some encouragement to stay on course despite the issues I'm dealing with. Thanks for any help.

Willicus

Stay strong, Rose! I'm just a young guy with no kids, so I can't say I know what you're going through, but I support you and know that you will make it through! You are a warrior, after all!

RoseTheWarrior

Thanks Willicus. I always thought things were difficult with young kids. Having grown kids is so much more scary and stressful

mochadha

Though i dont have kids my self but i work in mental health field and with families....what i have learned and taught is that first you have to take care of yourself...mentally...figure that out whether is leaving the home enjoy a nice healthy walk/meal...whatever it is....especially since your son is older..you can do that...

Next, truly sit down with your son and have a conversation. Express your concerns you have for him and things you been feeling but remember he will make whatever decision. As for your son may or not have mental health issues....he may and that is okay! Your not any less of person/parent...and sometimes trying to find 10 counselors out there is not what people need...someone to talk to and even knowing family is there is a lot of help.

Hope this is helpful...stay strong!!!

RoseTheWarrior

Thank you mochadha. I know I'm doing what I can. Making sure he's not alone for a few days; helping him contact community outreach programs. I agree he needs someone to talk to. I'm not up to the task of analyzing him! You're right, too, in that at 21 he's got to choose his own path. I'm trying to be there for him when he needs to talk, but I know he doesn't tell me everything.

fannyfrost

I totally understand. My daughter is 21 and she is struggling with anxiety. She was home from school for summer and I had to walk on eggshells at times. I have anxiety too. I think she blows it out of proportion at times, others it's real. She puts too much pressure on herself. I tell her it's ok and if it's not perfect or college takes a little longer it's ok. Nope freaks out.

Their stress is ours doubled. You are not a bad mom. You are supporting him in his change that makes you amazing!!! Focus on the things that you can do to help without enabling.

My daughter is gay and has a room mate making the change. He is struggling too. It's hard. Most important thing is to be supportive and be there. You can do this!

Btw I over ate a lot this summer, work sucks and with daughter home it was "aaaaaahjhhhhhh" but I'm getting my life back slowly!

RoseTheWarrior

@fannyfrost Thank you It's great to hear from someone who is also a parent of a child the same age. So hard to walk the thin line between nagging and motivating; between sounding condescending and sounding like you actually have more life experience and can be someone they can learn from.

I support my son 100% in his change because I can see that's what he really wants. But I can't make it go any faster for him, and his own mind holds him back from looking for work... "they won't understand why I look this way", etc. He is so afraid to try!

You're right in that they feel things so much more magnified than we do. I hope your daughter and my son will learn some patience and effective ways to deal with the anxiety/stress. I'm sure as they mature things will seem less like "end of the world".

I'm sorry to hear you've had a stressful summer, but I'm happy you're getting your life back. I hope I can keep peace in myself and hopefully pass on some serenity to my son.

68myra

Hi Rose.

"this too shall pass" I have a 22 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and a mental illness. She does not live with me. I hear and feel your stress though. She and my husband (step-father) can barely be in the same room together. She dropped out of college to find herself, and she has found herself in dire straights, although she currently has a roof over her head. I cannot seem to convince her to go back on medication, and all i can do is be as supportive and patient as possible. It may seem callous, but for my own mental health, I have had to practice "emotional detachment" when it comes to my firstborn. In a pinch, she knows she can always rely on me, but i don't always get a response from her when i call or text, and that's the way it is.

I wish i had wonderful words of wisdom for you. heck, i wish i had them for MYSELF too! lol. all kidding aside, your son is an adult, albeit a young adult. at this point in time, i'd advise you to take care of YOU first (sounds like you are already doing so) if your husband is willing to consider family counseling.... (mine is not, and that's the way it is)

all i can say is: no matter what the source of stress: eating it away will only compound your problems. if you are anything like me..... you won't be binging on wild salmon and kale. although these are delicious, they aren't typically sought after during times of 'stress-eating' so..... eating a bunch of junk will make YOU less healthy and make you less available to emotionally support your son.

that was a very long winded way to say: HANG IN THERE, you are not alone.

best wishes to your son and you!
Myra

RoseTheWarrior

@68myra Thank you! I'm hanging in. I managed to only eat an extra piece of toast and peanut butter, and an extra fiber bar yesterday. For dinner, I engaged my son to help me make a "clean eating" recipe, and we had a fun time (hubby went out for a motorcycle ride, which is great). My son learned yesterday that the local community services center has a few programs he can try, so that's positive too. You are so right that stress eating only worsens things. I'm really glad I was able to stay away from the real bad stuff

I sure hope your daughter finds her way. I don't think anyone but another parent can understand the worry we carry around in regard to our children. It doesn't matter if they're 12 or 32. They're always connected to you, yet after they've moved out all you can do it watch and wait and hope they talk to you. I wish your family the best of luck.

pondee629

" I'm ready to break down and binge eat". Take that anxiety, frustration, angst, depression et al and put it towards your goals. Take a walk, (perhaps with your child talking about what's happening and possible solutions) lift weights, plan this weeks meals, etc. Binge eating is a conditioned response to stress. Re-condition yourself into doing something helpful.

Feel like a cookie, take a walk around the block. Good luck sorting things out.

RoseTheWarrior

@pondee629 Great advice! Thank you. It seems so easy to slip into the bad habits we KNOW don't do anything good for us. Re-training is a terrific way to approach that kind of issue.

fannyfrost

@68myra good luck. That is rough and you are not being callous with your emotional detachment, it is sometimes required when dealing with those with mental illness in order for you not to go down or enable them. The only way people get the help they need is to seek it themselves.

Rose - Oh I get the "they won't understand" because of the inbetween. Society is not totally accepting and he is scared. He is unhappy in the middle and afraid of the judgement. I don't blame him look at what happened with Kaitlyn Jenner. But on the other side pointing out all the support she got may help him move forward.

I wish you both good luck. Kids are hard!!!!!

RoseTheWarrior

@fannyfrost, thank you. Yes, kids are hard!! Sometimes husbands can be harder. Stress on both sides = unhappy. Took my son to community services yesterday and he's found a drop in clinic for his age group, meeting twice a week, literally just a few blocks from his apartment. I think he already feels better. It's been a struggle contacting and talking to anyone at mental health to see if I can get my son some additional help, but I'm keeping at it.

questionfear

@RoseTheWarrior I would also look at HRC.com, Lambda Legal, etc., and see if they have community resources for your son. Are you in a rural or urban area? Your nearest city will probably have a lot of trans resources too.

OH, and contact local colleges-even if your son isn't enrolled, they may have gay/lesbian/bi/trans support clubs who may also know area resources, or have events that are open to the community at large.

RoseTheWarrior

@questionfear thanks! Part of the problem is we are far enough away from the REAL city that there are very few programs my son can get to. In order to get a clinic that even deals with LGBT people, he has to travel over an hour by car - and he doesn't have a car, so relies on family to give him rides.

Our community is still getting out of the dark ages as well - very religious, anti-LGBT area, although it is slowly getting better. I'm sure we have the highest number of churches per capita. And before anyone says anything, I am Christian myself, and no, I don't think all church goers are anti-LGBT. However, in this area, many people (in general) are very against it.

brenn24179

take care of yourself, families can cause so much stress. Live and Let Live. Sometimes I have to love them at a distance. Cant change anyone.

jgnatca

Your son is working through some big stuff for sure, and only you can decide what is in your realm to handle and which you can't. People with high needs are typically faithful to boundaries, as they are invested in your relationship. So don't be afraid to speak up for yourself.

My husband is a stepdad too and I can only describe his relationship with my son as "strained". It is what it is. I keep the boys apart.

RoseTheWarrior

Families! UGH! LOL Why can't we all just get along??!!?

I have to say, I'm so thankful for having you all helping me through this. Normally I would have fallen back into the "woe is me, I need to eat my stress away" mode. But I haven't! I'm sticking to the healthy eating, and feeling better for it. It's just one less thing I have to beat myself up over.

Tinawood40

Right now you have 1 problem. If you start overeating you'll have 2 problems. Now why would you want to do that lol.

questionfear

RoseTheWarrior wrote: »

@questionfear thanks! Part of the problem is we are far enough away from the REAL city that there are very few programs my son can get to. In order to get a clinic that even deals with LGBT people, he has to travel over an hour by car - and he doesn't have a car, so relies on family to give him rides.

Our community is still getting out of the dark ages as well - very religious, anti-LGBT area, although it is slowly getting better. I'm sure we have the highest number of churches per capita. And before anyone says anything, I am Christian myself, and no, I don't think all church goers are anti-LGBT. However, in this area, many people (in general) are very against it.

Gotcha. Hopefully with a little legwork you and your son can find him more resources. If I think of any specific resources that can help I will let you know...(I am a lesbian, was very involved with LGBT issues when I was in college, and have a few friends who went on to work for national orgs, and the challenges your son is facing come up a lot-you'd be surprised how many times I ping my friends for resources to help someone's friend/cousin/child dealing with trans issues).

nicjbar73

i feel ur pain!!!! my 18 yr old daughter was on drugs last yr from the stress of being in the "closet" since she has come out drugs have gone away & she is far happier now;) my 21 yr old son is with us again because he is detoxing & we are the only safe place for him to do this & get his life pieced back together!its been 1hell of a rollercoaster!!! i always log food, & alot of times i cry the whole hr i run! many days spent with a punching bag in gym! someone changing gender is a long process, therapy is part of process! hang in there;) as he gets closer the stress will subside im sure. u have to stay healthy,rested! otherwise u will be no good for anyone;) please add me i think we could really support each other here;)

fannyfrost

questionfear wrote: »

RoseTheWarrior wrote: »

@questionfear thanks! Part of the problem is we are far enough away from the REAL city that there are very few programs my son can get to. In order to get a clinic that even deals with LGBT people, he has to travel over an hour by car - and he doesn't have a car, so relies on family to give him rides.

Our community is still getting out of the dark ages as well - very religious, anti-LGBT area, although it is slowly getting better. I'm sure we have the highest number of churches per capita. And before anyone says anything, I am Christian myself, and no, I don't think all church goers are anti-LGBT. However, in this area, many people (in general) are very against it.

Gotcha. Hopefully with a little legwork you and your son can find him more resources. If I think of any specific resources that can help I will let you know...(I am a lesbian, was very involved with LGBT issues when I was in college, and have a few friends who went on to work for national orgs, and the challenges your son is facing come up a lot-you'd be surprised how many times I ping my friends for resources to help someone's friend/cousin/child dealing with trans issues).

My daughter is a lesbian and has been involved in LGBT community at school. We are lucky living just outside NY it is a large community and lots of support. However, you still see too much anti LGBT. One of her best friend's parents refers to her and another friend as "those gays". It is a shame so many people have closed minds.

CutsandCurves

RoseTheWarrior wrote: »

Hey all, I'm still fairly new to the site but I'm hoping to get some encouragement at this time. I've been working on myself for a while now. Seeing a psychologist, finally admitting I need anti-depressants, settling in my job, etc. OK, so I'm doing alright!

BUT THEN my youngest, who is 21, living close by but on his own (with roommate) is going through a really tough time. He is going through transgender changes (he was originally my daughter). He has issues with a lot of things, but mostly he's really depressed, unemployed, burning through savings, etc. I'm helping him find some counselling and community assistance, but I simply don't have the funds right now to assist him with cash. His stress and depression is making me doubt myself as a parent, and as a person. I struggle with feeling my son has some possible emotional/mental disorders and just feeling like he's lazy and refuses to structure his life.

He's staying with me and hubby for a few days, and that's creating more stress, as my hubby is not his dad, and I feel so much that he doesn't really want my son there. I'm ready to break down and binge eat. I haven't yet, but I really, really need some encouragement to stay on course despite the issues I'm dealing with. Thanks for any help.

Honey this will pass. I've been through a terrible time with worrying over my son and not happy with my marriage. I got to the point my dr was willing to commit me for my own good. Depression anxiety are evil. I did learn I had to start doing something to make me happy and that's always been working out. So I went back to it and am finding myself again. You can to. I'm so sorry your have to suffer such an ordeal.

RoseTheWarrior

Thank you! I try to keep stress down.

Things are looking better for my son. He's found a good youth clinic that runs twice a week and even provides cheap fresh fruit and vegetables. He is also now in the "que" at mental health to talk to a psychologist. He is much more optimistic about the future.

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and empathy. I really needed them and they helped a lot.

Irv2015

RoseTheWarrior wrote: »

Thank you! I try to keep stress down.

Things are looking better for my son. He's found a good youth clinic that runs twice a week and even provides cheap fresh fruit and vegetables. He is also now in the "que" at mental health to talk to a psychologist. He is much more optimistic about the future.

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and empathy. I really needed them and they helped a lot.

Wonder how you are doing now - your story sounds like mine...