Self sabotage

Ahrena

Ugh.
I'm frustrated.

I want to lose about 30 pounds.

Back story is as a teenager I suffered from bulimia and anorexia. I recovered for a few years and maintained 140lbs. I was very happy with my body and confident at this weight. I felt free for the first time from worrying about my size.

About two years ago life fell apart - within a year my fiancé left me, my mum and two horses (who I'd had for 10 years) all died. I was living with my mum after my break up so life changed dramatically.

I relapsed badly, first lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks then relapsed in bulimia. I've had intensive therapy this year and have been eating normally without real disordered thoughts since June now.

The bulimia has led to a lot of weight gain - I'm now 170lbs. I don't feel happy with my body, I miss feeling good about it and fitting my old clothes.

However whenever I try to lose weight I just find myself wanting to eat obsessively like I did whilst I was bulimic.

I'm setting a good calorie limit - 2000 calories (I'm 5 foot 8 and very active as I work with horses as well as doing aerial silks/pole dancing 2-3 times a week) so I don't think I'm undereating. It's more the psychological affects of 'I'm at my limit, I can't eat snymore' that triggers it.

I'm not sure what else to try. I don't want to low carb as I have a sweet tooth and think total restriction would be a bad idea.

I've tried accepting my body but I just can't, life genuinely was better when I was that bit smaller.

Has anyone got any ideas? Do I just need to man up?

I also struggle with upcoming events - for example I'm going abroad to see family for 3 days next week which puts me off trying before then because I know we'll be going out for dinner, I can't plan ahead ect

Without calorie counting I tend to eat well probably 5 days a week then have a couple of days where I eat too much because I just want to so making small changes doesn't really seem to work because I struggle to be consistent enough.

Any thoughts? I've had a break from therapy but am hoping to resume it soon (have contacted my therapist) because I think I would be a lot happier if I can just fix this.

zoeysasha37

Hello, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation
Losing your mom and horses must've been devastating. I'm very sorry.
I'm glad you realized that you needed help and that you can overcome your disordered eating.
As you know, it will take a lot of hard work to get past it, but it can be done !
I'm also 5'8 tall. And also eat 2,000 per day, so I think that's a good number ! I also agree with you when you said low carb isn't a good idea for some people ( its not a good idea for me either. I enjoy sweets and breads and biscuits ) for me, deprivation isn't a good idea at all. Instead I truly believe in moderation. I like my treats , so have learned how to use portion control and moderation. I couldn't imagine life without having some treats !
I'm sorry I have nothing more useful to add. I just wanted to let you know I agreed with your calorie allotment and your decision not to deprive yourself fully of treats.

vivmom2014

Ahrena wrote: »

Any thoughts? I've had a break from therapy but am hoping to resume it soon (have contacted my therapist) because I think I would be a lot happier if I can just fix this.

You CAN fix this. But it's not going to happen overnight.

You've set a reasonable calorie limit and now you can begin making changes to stay at/under it. You know your limitations by not restricting foods you enjoy, so that's good.

Just start. Maybe don't overthink this. Forget all the "can'ts" and go with CAN.

And getting together with family is a great inspiration to be at your best. Of course you can stay within your calorie goal when going out to dinner. Stop your negative self talk. Presumably you've worked hard in therapy, you've suffered some tremendous losses, and here you are: ready to reach a new goal. Concentrate on your strengths, and you'll see success.

Ahrena

Thank you.

I guess I start this internal debate of is this a good idea, am I triggering old issues ect ect.

But I can do this. And I'll be happier once I have/once I've got going I just need to get a good few days under my belt.

I guess I struggle with going out ect as its not in my control as much, like I don't know what my family will cook and I can't control it or reject it but it's only 3 days and if I just keep my head and don't binge it won't do any damage.

Thank you for your kind words, it's just another step of my journey

Azuriaz

The only thing I want to add to what others have said is I hope your therapy is also continuing. The more tools you have available in the present to beat this, the better! And you should let your therapist know you signed onto MFP and your misgivings about doing so.