Husband says he's supportive, but really isn't.

sarahochieng

I need to vent some. I love my husband to death but he gives this type of "positive" criticism that I just can't stand.
We've been talking about having a baby since April. Then tonight when we talk about it, he's like "I've seen your previous pregnancy pictures and I want you to look some weight before we get pregnant." My pre-pregnancy weight was a lot less than I am now in my previous pregnancies, so I feel like he's not telling me we're not getting pregnant until I've dropped quite a bit of weight. He denies this but if he doesn't like how I looked before pregnant, how is he suppose to love me pregnant with his child?
Then he brings up that I've gained a lot of weight since we've met. I was on a good workout schedule before I met him but since moving away from that gym, I haven't found my groove again. Plus I started on birth control and my body has always caused me to gain weight with that.
He continuously says "you've done it before, you can do it again." We went to the gym hard this past spring, working out and eating good but my weight went no where. How am I suppose to say motivated when he isn't helping me?
Like I said, I just needed to vent.

LindsaySJacobs

I'm so sorry your husband is like this. I am so thankful my husband has always accepted me for who I am. Big or small. My twins will turn 1 year next month and I will attempt to get pregnant within the year or next. I want to lose weight before attempting. He has never even noticed my weight gain or at least doesn't act like he notices. I don't know how I would feel if I had him pressuring me.

LindsaySJacobs

You deserve to be accepted for who you are.

oh_happy_day

Is he coming at this from the perspective of how you look or health? It sounds like he has quite the way with words...

GaleHawkins

Does he want or not want another child?

Lourdesong

Tell him how you feel. Inviting stranger to talk crap about your hubs with you behind his back isn't going to accomplish anything worthwhile.

arditarose

So he wants another baby with you, but wants you to lose weight first considering you are bigger now after having the first. Do you want to lose weight? If you do, count your calories-get as much exercise as you can do, but you don't need it. Do it on your own if you want it. If you don't, you need to have a talk with him.

RodaRose

He does not seem to want another child. Talk to him a lot more before you consider getting pregnant again.

cafeaulait7

It sounds like he is trying to motivate you, but he's just really bad at it! That is if you are talking about being motivated to lose weight. You never actually say you want to do that.

If he went to the gym with you and ate healthily with you, he is much more supportive than some. I would tell him to shut up about weight comments (because they aren't helpful, no), and then ask him to support you in what you are doing to lose weight/get fit. Are you doing anything he could help you with or cheer you on for?

The gym makes me hungrier at first, btw, so I definitely have to count calories while getting fit! I could easily gain real weight from starting a new exercise program Maybe that's what happened with you? It really is cool that he'd do it with you. I never have people close to me who like going to gyms.

LKArgh

sarahochieng wrote: »

I need to vent some. I love my husband to death but he gives this type of "positive" criticism that I just can't stand.
We've been talking about having a baby since April. Then tonight when we talk about it, he's like "I've seen your previous pregnancy pictures and I want you to look some weight before we get pregnant." My pre-pregnancy weight was a lot less than I am now in my previous pregnancies, so I feel like he's not telling me we're not getting pregnant until I've dropped quite a bit of weight. He denies this but if he doesn't like how I looked before pregnant, how is he suppose to love me pregnant with his child?
Then he brings up that I've gained a lot of weight since we've met. I was on a good workout schedule before I met him but since moving away from that gym, I haven't found my groove again. Plus I started on birth control and my body has always caused me to gain weight with that.
He continuously says "you've done it before, you can do it again." We went to the gym hard this past spring, working out and eating good but my weight went no where. How am I suppose to say motivated when he isn't helping me?
Like I said, I just needed to vent.

I understand you had kids before marrying him? Are you sure he is ready for adding more babies in the mix?
Also, how long have you been married, and how much weight did you gain? If e.g. he is concerned about you gaining 10 lbs in 10 years, then this definitely sounds like an excuse and a way of delaying or avoiding completely a new pregnancy. If it is 50 lbs in 6 months and you turning into a completely different person than the one he married, then it could be he is honest and worried about you.

CurlyCockney

Unless he is stopping you from losing weight/getting healthy, I really don't understand what difference it makes if he's supporting you or not. Do it for you, or don't do it for you - but accept responsibility that it's your choice.

tigersangel247

I understand, my husband used to do something similar until I explained that his "motivation" wasn't motivating in the least and actually just kept making me feel worse about myself. He didn't realize, he was just trying to help in the only way that made sense to him.

siluridae

You can't outrun your fork. You need to work on your diet as well instead of just exercise. The exercise won't make you thin if you eat a calorie surplus, you need to have a deficit.
Continue blaming it on your birth control, on your meanie husband and anything else but that won't make you lose weight. You need to do it, not him. Don't rely on others for motivation, rely on your own discipline.
Being overweight leads to pregnancy complications, so he is right and it is in your own best interest to lose weight.

angelexperiment

Lourdesong wrote: »

Tell him how you feel. Inviting stranger to talk crap about your hubs with you behind his back isn't going to accomplish anything worthwhile.

angelexperiment

Hi! I never understood you need to lose we before you get pregnant thing bc I am not going to work my *kitten* off to gain it back while pregnant? Maybe he doesn't want kids yet or something (like more I mean) honest dialogue helps. Gain in relationships is normal, I guess I gained 80! Lol 10 years together:) but he knows better than to bring up weight cause he knows I struggle alot. Best of luck.

Lounmoun

Do you want to lose weight or is it all your dh's idea?
According to your profile, you gained 50 lbs in the last year. That could be concerning. Would you be concerned about your dh if he put on 50 lbs in a year?
Are you at a healthy weight for you right now? Have you spoken to your doctor about your weight and pregnancy?
I would see those comments from someone who loves me as concern about me being at optimal health before getting pregnant. I wouldn't view it as criticism, not loving you or not wanting a baby with you.
Don't look to other people for motivation.
Figure out how many calories you should be eating. Start logging everything and watching your calories even if you can't exercise regularly. If you aren't losing, make adjustments (log more accurately, lower calorie goal, exercise more) or see your doctor to rule out a medical issue.
You can lose weight if you want to.

i_SWEAT_n_SWEAR

You really need to talk this out with him before having another child. You need to know what he really means by this and if he wants a child first. Good luck!

_Waffle_

sarahochieng wrote: »

He continuously says "you've done it before, you can do it again."

It sounds to me like he's really trying to encourage you but you're taking it the wrong way.

fanncy0626

You might not like what I say but I am taking it from what you said. It sounds like you are trying to blame it all on him. Although you admit that you were a lot smaller prior to marrying him. You also say that you moved and now you don't got your groove. You also talk about how can you stay motivated without him helping you. This isn't about him! This is about you! Nobody can lose weight or exercise unless they decide to do it. You need to make the decision that you want to lose weight and exercise so that you can be at a weight that you are happy to be at prior to getting pregnant. We are here to support you in your journey. It is your lifestyle change! If you are not losing weight then maybe you should get a scale and weigh what you are eating. I find that I have to stop eating sweets in drinking pop in order to lose weight. I have to also know what the correct portion size is or I can very easily over eat.

Good luck! This is your journey and we are here for you to support you on your goal toward weight loss and good health!

cocates

Motivation and support are great, but they will not carry you to the gym, dictate how many calories to eat, or log said calories for you. It takes willpower, determination, and patience. It took me a long time to figure that out and until you do, you'll continue yo-yo'ing.

As for all of the background info, it sounds like the two of you just need to sit down and talk about this.

Good luck!

sheermomentum

Yeah, that's not supportive; that's controlling. Tell him so flat out. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that you need his support to lose weight, either. If this is a goal that YOU have (as opposed to one that he has for you), then please consider starting a food log to help you truly track your food intake.