When other people comment on your "loss"
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nyponbell
Posts: 379 Member
I find that I really really hate it when people in RL comment on my weight loss. Or, what they think is a loss (hence the quotation marks). Now and again I get comments from co-workers (or my eldest sister, who I don't see a lot) "oh, you've lost weight?" or "you look smaller". Often when I've not been very good at working out or eating well (which just makes me feel guilty).
The most recent was last week, from someone who is new at work and I've never really spoken to (she was a substitute here and there last year so she's not a stranger, but now works in a different area of the school so we don't have a lot of interaction) and she said that I look better than last year, because I looked smaller.
It makes me uncomfortable. I think that's why I don't want anyone in my real life to know that I'm actively trying to lose weight. Whenever I talk about going to the gym, I make it clear that I'm doing it for rehabilitation purposes and the fact that I'm hopefully getting leaner in the process and losing weight (though that comes from being mindful of calories) is a bonus but not the goal.
I think I dislike it because I keep waiting to fail at it and gain the weight back again, and if I then admit out loud to people that I'm trying to lose weight, but then don't, then they will know that I've failed. If they don't know what I'm trying to do, then they won't know when I've failed.
It's something I need to work on, I know that - if only for myself. I don't particularly want or need to talk to my co-workers about losing weight (only one knows that I have to lose weight for a breast reduction surgery but only because she's done the same, and she doesn't know how much I have to lose) and I don't particularly want them to speculate on my body and whatever I'm doing to "make it smaller".
And I'm not actually smaller, because if I were, I'd be able to fit into the jeans I could mostly comfortably wear last year. Hence the guilt, I think.
Am I the only one who feels kind of demotivated and even guilty when people comment like that? I keep thinking "are they trying to be supportive or are they saying I *should* lose weight?" and it makes me want to rebel.
I wonder if I will change my mind when I've lost enough that I can really tell that I've lost weight and I'm much more comfortable in my own skin again. But right now, it just makes me wonder how much and why people are looking at my body and if they are talking about it and judging me for it (not just the weight itself, but not losing it "quickly enough").
Anyone else feeling the same?
The most recent was last week, from someone who is new at work and I've never really spoken to (she was a substitute here and there last year so she's not a stranger, but now works in a different area of the school so we don't have a lot of interaction) and she said that I look better than last year, because I looked smaller.
It makes me uncomfortable. I think that's why I don't want anyone in my real life to know that I'm actively trying to lose weight. Whenever I talk about going to the gym, I make it clear that I'm doing it for rehabilitation purposes and the fact that I'm hopefully getting leaner in the process and losing weight (though that comes from being mindful of calories) is a bonus but not the goal.
I think I dislike it because I keep waiting to fail at it and gain the weight back again, and if I then admit out loud to people that I'm trying to lose weight, but then don't, then they will know that I've failed. If they don't know what I'm trying to do, then they won't know when I've failed.
It's something I need to work on, I know that - if only for myself. I don't particularly want or need to talk to my co-workers about losing weight (only one knows that I have to lose weight for a breast reduction surgery but only because she's done the same, and she doesn't know how much I have to lose) and I don't particularly want them to speculate on my body and whatever I'm doing to "make it smaller".
And I'm not actually smaller, because if I were, I'd be able to fit into the jeans I could mostly comfortably wear last year. Hence the guilt, I think.
Am I the only one who feels kind of demotivated and even guilty when people comment like that? I keep thinking "are they trying to be supportive or are they saying I *should* lose weight?" and it makes me want to rebel.
I wonder if I will change my mind when I've lost enough that I can really tell that I've lost weight and I'm much more comfortable in my own skin again. But right now, it just makes me wonder how much and why people are looking at my body and if they are talking about it and judging me for it (not just the weight itself, but not losing it "quickly enough").
Anyone else feeling the same?
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Replies
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You are right about how when you lose more you will feel different because you will be able to really tell that you lost weight. In the meantime, be patient and gentle with yourself.
Be polite to the folks who comment. In their minds, they are being polite.0 -
I've definitely been there. I randomly bumped into a guy I worked with once, and he was like "wow, you've lost weight! You look great! " or something to that effect. I felt really... I dunno, sort of put off by it? I chalked it up to how surprised he sounded. I think it also helped that, if I had lost weight since I last saw him, it had happened aaages ago, and my weight was really not something I wanted to discuss that day.
I dunno, I'm sure he meant well, but just leave it at 'you look great' you know? Commenting o people's bodies like that is weird to me.
Similarly, my mom has started commenting on my weight in a sort of positive way, but then finishing up with stuff like 'but you've got to stop somewhere', and 'don't loose any more thoug, okay?' in slightly disaproving tones. Again, she probably means well, and I'm cool with my mom mentioning things about my body, we can talk about stuff like that. It's just sort of ironic considering that she's much skinnier than I am (and I'm only around the middle of my bmi range, so not even that 'skinny' to begin with). Her comments probably bother me more than anything tbh.0 -
Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".0
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I don't like it either - I think it's because I like to pretend that nobody notices how fat I am, so when I lose weight they shouldn't notice that either!0
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I don't like it either but I have some past trauma that I have attached to my weight so the more comments I get the more uneasy it makes me. If women comment I seem to be okay with that. I am also losing to prep for my breast reduction surgery! Did your insurance require a weight loss? I am waiting for my insurance to respond - so excited:) Good luck to you!!!0
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I don't like it either - I think it's because I like to pretend that nobody notices how fat I am, so when I lose weight they shouldn't notice that either!
I think this is part of why I'm so uncomfortable with it. And I don't even notice a change yet (and I know it's often more difficult to notice changes in yourself, but I'm actively trying to find some) so why are other people that I see on a regular basis? Why are they looking at my body so closely?!?!
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I take it as a compliment.0
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I don't like it either but I have some past trauma that I have attached to my weight so the more comments I get the more uneasy it makes me. If women comment I seem to be okay with that. I am also losing to prep for my breast reduction surgery! Did your insurance require a weight loss? I am waiting for my insurance to respond - so excited:) Good luck to you!!!
No man has (out loud) commented on my "weight loss" (I think I have become a bit slimmer, but not much) yet, but I'm just as uncomfortable with it being a woman or a man. I don't even want family members to mention it!
As for the breast reduction thing; I'm from Sweden and we have a very different healthcare system. Basically, if my breasts are of a certain size when you're at a certain BMI (for me that would be at 65 kg, or 143 pounds) then you can get the surgery for free. I don't really have insurance (aside from the general coverage I get from my job, while I'm at work) and I don't need one either.
Good luck to you as well!0 -
michael_jordan7 wrote: »Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".
Have you always felt motivated/encouraged by it, or did it start once you had lost a few pounds? And if you've had a streak of binging or just generally not being active and not lost anything, or even on a plateau, and someone comments - does it motivate you or frustrate you (or some other negative feeling)?0 -
It's a compliment. You are taking it personally when it is probably meant to be positive. The first time a relative stranger mentioned my weight loss, I felt encouraged that if someone that didn't know me well noticed...then I must be doing well. I still remember that moment 20+ years later.
It's also MUCH more annoying to have people stare at your muscles while talking to you and never say anything.0 -
HappyCampr1 wrote: »I'll never understand what makes people feel comfortable talking about another person's weight, but this will happen a lot so it's kind of important to get used to it. I just say, Thanks or Thanks, I feel great. You don't have to talk to other people about your weight loss. Once I had lost a bunch, but still had more to go, my coworkers started telling me I needed to stop losing. That I was getting too skinny. Things like that. After a while, I started lying and telling them that I wasn't trying to lose more. They were happy and I continued to lose weight. You just do what you have to do for yourself.
I understand the fear in telling others you're trying because you don't want to have them see you fail. I've felt the same when I was trying to quit smoking (7 years smoke free!). The thing is though, you will know. And I saw where you realize this is something you need to work on. I believe disappointing yourself is much worse than disappointing friends and family. Only you know how hard you are trying and if you're doing your best. If you have a plan and are following it as best you can, then it shouldn't matter what other people think. They don't know your situation and unless they've actually been in your shoes, then you should take their comments and advice with a grain of salt. The most important person in this whole scenario is you. So...just keep plugging away, do the best you can, and you'll get there. There is no timetable for becoming a healthier and happier you. Anything that you do that moves you in the right direction is a step forward. And you don't fail unless you quit completely. We all have setbacks occasionally. That doesn't mean we've failed. It just means our journey might take a bit longer than we'd hoped. If we don't have a timetable though, it doesn't matter. Try not to worry about other people. This is your story.
Thank you. I know all of this, and I try to tell myself this often but it's always good to hear it from someone else with an "outsiders pov" (I'm thinking you've been through something similar?).
I do lie about my weight loss (and even deny having lost anything even if I have lost something, because so far it's just tiny amounts), and I'm trying to downplay it a lot. I focus on the fact that I'm doing rehab and even though I'm walking to and from work, I pretend it's got more to do with not wanting to pay for transport and it being nice and calming to get a walk in the morning and after a long day at work, instead of it being "cardio" (I don't really think about it that way, but it is basically what it is).
I really appreciate your input.0 -
You are right about how when you lose more you will feel different because you will be able to really tell that you lost weight. In the meantime, be patient and gentle with yourself.
Be polite to the folks who comment. In their minds, they are being polite.
I'm hoping that's the case! I think I will always be somewhat uncomfortable with people talking about my body, but that might just be because I've worried for so many years what people are thinking and saying about me at my current weight.0 -
dinosaurparty wrote: »I've definitely been there. I randomly bumped into a guy I worked with once, and he was like "wow, you've lost weight! You look great! " or something to that effect. I felt really... I dunno, sort of put off by it? I chalked it up to how surprised he sounded. I think it also helped that, if I had lost weight since I last saw him, it had happened aaages ago, and my weight was really not something I wanted to discuss that day.
I dunno, I'm sure he meant well, but just leave it at 'you look great' you know? Commenting o people's bodies like that is weird to me.
Similarly, my mom has started commenting on my weight in a sort of positive way, but then finishing up with stuff like 'but you've got to stop somewhere', and 'don't loose any more thoug, okay?' in slightly disaproving tones. Again, she probably means well, and I'm cool with my mom mentioning things about my body, we can talk about stuff like that. It's just sort of ironic considering that she's much skinnier than I am (and I'm only around the middle of my bmi range, so not even that 'skinny' to begin with). Her comments probably bother me more than anything tbh.
Have you talked to your mother about how much you're planning on losing (or your goal weight)? Or does she just know that you're losing weight, but not when you're going to "stop"?
I think that's why I reacted too when my co-worker said something. She first said "you look great" and I said thanks, and then she said, "you look, smaller.." and even used her hands to emphasise her point. It just felt incredibly weird, and so not her place (I barely know her; I don't even know her name).0 -
michael_jordan7 wrote: »Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".
Have you always felt motivated/encouraged by it, or did it start once you had lost a few pounds? And if you've had a streak of binging or just generally not being active and not lost anything, or even on a plateau, and someone comments - does it motivate you or frustrate you (or some other negative feeling)?
I'm another one who feels encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss.
By the time I had lost about 30 lbs, no one had said anything and I kind of began to wonder when or if anyone would notice.
At about 33 lbs, I had my first rather hesitant comment.
Then I, and various people in my office, went away for several weeks holidays at different times during the winter, and when I and others came back, that's when people really started commenting. Probably because we really hadn't seen each other for quite some time.
I've successfully lost 50 lbs in the last 7 months, and I would be surprised if no one had commented. That's over 1/4 my body weight ... like I've lost an entire leg or something.
And I'm actually making a friend through it. She's also losing weight and we've started chatting.
(I know you didn't ask me, but I've never binged or been on a plateau in the whole 7 months I've been doing this. I have had some "puffy days" like shortly before my TOM, but they don't make that much difference)
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michael_jordan7 wrote: »Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".
Have you always felt motivated/encouraged by it, or did it start once you had lost a few pounds? And if you've had a streak of binging or just generally not being active and not lost anything, or even on a plateau, and someone comments - does it motivate you or frustrate you (or some other negative feeling)?
I'm another one who feels encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss.
By the time I had lost about 30 lbs, no one had said anything and I kind of began to wonder when or if anyone would notice.
At about 33 lbs, I had my first rather hesitant comment.
Then I, and various people in my office, went away for several weeks holidays at different times during the winter, and when I and others came back, that's when people really started commenting. Probably because we really hadn't seen each other for quite some time.
I've successfully lost 50 lbs in the last 7 months, and I would be surprised if no one had commented. That's over 1/4 my body weight ... like I've lost an entire leg or something.
And I'm actually making a friend through it. She's also losing weight and we've started chatting.
(I know you didn't ask me, but I've never binged or been on a plateau in the whole 7 months I've been doing this. I have had some "puffy days" like shortly before my TOM, but they don't make that much difference)
That's great! It's interesting because I just realised that if someone I knew had lost such a significant amount of weight I would want to give them my encouragement and acknowledgement of their hard work too. I guess because I still feel like I'm not losing and nothing has visibly changed yet, I feel like I'm questioning why people are commenting on it.
Maybe I just need to learn to see the positive, and take it as proof that something actually is happening with my body even if it's not weight loss; it could be that my posture is better, which makes my body look better.
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From my experience, people tend to ask or comment on what they know you for to make "polite" conversation; often at the expense of tact and feelings. If you're passionate about something other than weight loss and working out, turn the conversation to those topics and watch their unnecessary remarks evaporate. This isn't a cure-all for chronically rude people but may help in those other situations.
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michael_jordan7 wrote: »Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".
Have you always felt motivated/encouraged by it, or did it start once you had lost a few pounds? And if you've had a streak of binging or just generally not being active and not lost anything, or even on a plateau, and someone comments - does it motivate you or frustrate you (or some other negative feeling)?
I have not plateaued yet, so it has all been positive to this point. Though I have been told that I've lost enough now, I just politely ignore that because I know I have more to go.
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michael_jordan7 wrote: »Maybe I'm an oddball but I am really encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss. I think I will miss it when it "wears off".
Have you always felt motivated/encouraged by it, or did it start once you had lost a few pounds? And if you've had a streak of binging or just generally not being active and not lost anything, or even on a plateau, and someone comments - does it motivate you or frustrate you (or some other negative feeling)?
I'm another one who feels encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss.
By the time I had lost about 30 lbs, no one had said anything and I kind of began to wonder when or if anyone would notice.
At about 33 lbs, I had my first rather hesitant comment.
Then I, and various people in my office, went away for several weeks holidays at different times during the winter, and when I and others came back, that's when people really started commenting. Probably because we really hadn't seen each other for quite some time.
I've successfully lost 50 lbs in the last 7 months, and I would be surprised if no one had commented. That's over 1/4 my body weight ... like I've lost an entire leg or something.
And I'm actually making a friend through it. She's also losing weight and we've started chatting.
(I know you didn't ask me, but I've never binged or been on a plateau in the whole 7 months I've been doing this. I have had some "puffy days" like shortly before my TOM, but they don't make that much difference)
That's great! It's interesting because I just realised that if someone I knew had lost such a significant amount of weight I would want to give them my encouragement and acknowledgement of their hard work too. I guess because I still feel like I'm not losing and nothing has visibly changed yet, I feel like I'm questioning why people are commenting on it.
Maybe I just need to learn to see the positive, and take it as proof that something actually is happening with my body even if it's not weight loss; it could be that my posture is better, which makes my body look better.
Have you taken measurements? Sometimes they change even when weight doesn't seem to. And if you've started being more active, you could have better posture or just radiate more confidence or something.0 -
I'm another one who feels encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss.
By the time I had lost about 30 lbs, no one had said anything and I kind of began to wonder when or if anyone would notice.
At about 33 lbs, I had my first rather hesitant comment.
Then I, and various people in my office, went away for several weeks holidays at different times during the winter, and when I and others came back, that's when people really started commenting. Probably because we really hadn't seen each other for quite some time.
I've successfully lost 50 lbs in the last 7 months, and I would be surprised if no one had commented. That's over 1/4 my body weight ... like I've lost an entire leg or something.
And I'm actually making a friend through it. She's also losing weight and we've started chatting.
I'm in customer service so my loss has been a public event. I got that first hesitant comment at around 20 pound point. At 40 pounds I cut and coloured my hair and shifted into the second new pair of pants. Then I was swamped with comments from customers. Sometimes it takes some other change, like the hair, for the difference to click.
Most are very kind and a little shy. They're meant well and I take them as such. Sometimes it's a customer waiting in line nodding, smiling and whispering as I walk past "Whatever you're doing, keep it up."
One old lady wanting a refund for something said (and you have to imagine this with a slow, honeyed Caribbean drawl) "Well I wasn't going to say anything dahrling because you might have been sick but I can see you're not sick."
After 60 pounds and the fourth new pair of pants, one co-worker whom I see almost daily, finally took a good at me. He looked down and stared at my body for a moment like he had never seen it (which itself is flattering because it means he's a professional), then squealed "Omg omg omg girl!"
And then they ask how and want advice. I'm becoming the local Yoda of weight loss.
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I'm another one who feels encouraged by people's comments on my weight loss.
By the time I had lost about 30 lbs, no one had said anything and I kind of began to wonder when or if anyone would notice.
At about 33 lbs, I had my first rather hesitant comment.
Then I, and various people in my office, went away for several weeks holidays at different times during the winter, and when I and others came back, that's when people really started commenting. Probably because we really hadn't seen each other for quite some time.
I've successfully lost 50 lbs in the last 7 months, and I would be surprised if no one had commented. That's over 1/4 my body weight ... like I've lost an entire leg or something.
And I'm actually making a friend through it. She's also losing weight and we've started chatting.
I'm in customer service so my loss has been a public event. I got that first hesitant comment at around 20 pound point. At 40 pounds I cut and coloured my hair and shifted into the second new pair of pants. Then I was swamped with comments from customers. Sometimes it takes some other change, like the hair, for the difference to click.
Most are very kind and a little shy. They're meant well and I take them as such. Sometimes it's a customer waiting in line nodding, smiling and whispering as I walk past "Whatever you're doing, keep it up."
One old lady wanting a refund for something said (and you have to imagine this with a slow, honeyed Caribbean drawl) "Well I wasn't going to say anything dahrling because you might have been sick but I can see you're not sick."
After 60 pounds and the fourth new pair of pants, one co-worker whom I see almost daily, finally took a good at me. He looked down and stared at my body for a moment like he had never seen it (which itself is flattering because it means he's a professional), then squealed "Omg omg omg girl!"
And then they ask how and want advice. I'm becoming the local Yoda of weight loss.
That's about how it's gone for me too.
Most are hesitant about saying anything, and usually start the conversation off with something like, "I've been wanting to say something, but I'm just not sure .......... um, have you been trying to lose weight?" In other words, they weren't sure if I might have been sick or something. And then the conversation continues from there.
"How did you do it?" is the most common question.
I've now got random people coming up to me and telling me what they've got for lunch. Or standing there while I'm making lunch and asking all sorts of questions about what it is I'm eating (just normal food, folks). And then it's almost like they're checking up on me.
I had one of the managers come into our tiny lunch room and look over at what I was making ... Him: "What have you got there?" Me: "Rice, veggies, and chicken" Him: "Brown rice?" Me: Yes." Him: "Oh that's good then" ... and he walked out. Um. OK.
Then I was standing off to the side at a birthday thing, just chatting with a few people about whatever when someone came over to me and said, "Are you going to have anything to eat?" Me: "No, thanks" Him: "That's good." I had a bit of a chuckle to myself and thought, "Oh great ... now I can't eat any of that stuff even when I get to maintenance ... I've got people watching!!"
I climb the stairs at work (5 flights, 5 times a day), and every few days I apparently "guilt" someone into climbing the stairs too ... or just as I'm topping the 5th flight and huffing and puffing, I'll have someone come over and tell me why they can't climb stairs. Don't care just then ... going to get water. Do what you want.
The reactions have been fascinating ... and amusing ... and inspiring and encouraging too.
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