How to keep motivated on diet and exercise when your S.O has it, "easy"

susan_mcconnell

I have trouble losing weight, shock, I can maintain better than I can lose it. My girlfriend on the other hand is one of those people who has a naturally skinny build and has trouble not only gaining but maintaining as well. She has never had the problem I have, and vice versa. I do not think she has it easy, I just think society thinks that. I know her issue is serious. But, even if I get down to my goal or a lower weight, I will never be as fit as her.

If you are in this situation, what do you do to not get disheartened by something like this. How do you keep away the bad thoughts like, "no matter how hard I try I can't win," or, "this is hopeless, I might as well give up." How do you manage?

Also, is there a difference between defending yourself and making excuses? Like am I right to remind her that we are very different physically and she cannot expect me to be like her? I'll admit, we have had a disconnect in understanding one another's difficulties. My family has trouble understanding too, and they are even in the same boat as me. How to fight the naysayers!

finnsgma

I just always remind myself that this is MY journey, not a competition. This is why I always tell my well-meaning friends that I don't want a "gym/exercise buddy, etc.". I don;t want to spend my time comparing my goals, success, or failures to anyone else's. Does that make sense? It's always noce to have the support of a friend, significant other, etc., but they shouldn't be your support if they are competing with you.

Ashtoretet

You sound like you're making some excuses.

That said, I can relate because my husband's maintenance calories are my gain weight calories (he's 6'5, I'm 5'4) and I cook all of his food so I am constantly looking at things I could never eat. Every extra helping that you say "No" to is empowering and will just motivate you more. It sucks at first, there's really no way to get those first few "Nos" under your belt easily, you just have to force it.

rankinsect

And don't be so sure you can never be as fit as her - some very fit people were once obese. In fact being underweight can be a worse health risk versus being overweight but not obese. I think declaring that she will always be more fit is giving up before you really try.

I agree, though, the important thing is to meet your own goals for what you want to do and who you want to be, not keep up with the Joneses.

dubird

By not comparing yourself to your SO. Your body is different, it will have different needs. Focus on doing what YOU need to do. If you need to cut back on certain foods, do so. She doesn't have to and don't insist that she follows your diet and what you're doing. Thing is, you have to find your OWN motivation. Take a good, honest look at why YOU want to lose weight. It doesn't have to be 'to get healthy' either. That wasn't a good enough reason for me and I kept backsliding. It wasn't until I found my own reason that I was able to make progress, even with everyone around me eating like I normally did. Once you find your own motivation, the naysayers won't bother you nearly as much anymore. External support is nice, but variable so don't rely on it. Rely on yourself to find your own motivation, that will carry you much further!

You also don't have to talk about your weight loss journey if you don't want to. I've found it easiest to just smile and nod and go about my business. If someone wants details on how I lost my weight, I will tell them, but I don't bring the subject up myself. And if someone becomes bothersome, tell them you're on a diet you and your doctor worked out. Very few people will keep going after that!

As for your SO, once you've got your plan for losing weight in hand, sit and talk with her. Tell her this is what you need to do, you don't expect her to follow it if she doesn't want to, and you'll support whatever she needs to do for weight management. Then, follow through on your plan. It's not about defending or excuses at that point, it's simply a discussion about your needs and her needs and working out a way to meet them both together. You can still find ways to do things together and eat meals together, but each of you knowing what the other needs, even if you don't understand it, will help you both. Understanding isn't as important as acceptance. I don't understand some of the things my husband does, but that doesn't mean I don't accept them as long as they're not harmful, and give him what support I can. He doesn't understand a lot of what I do and have to deal with internally, but he accepts them and helps when I need it. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open so if needs change, you can both adjust.

pobalita

It's sometimes hard to not compare yourself to others. Our bodies are different. It took me a very very long time to realize that I don't look like the other lithe girls in yoga or my ideal vision of a "fit" person - my shoulders are broad, my arms are big, I have no waist, and no matter what I do, my legs are big. I can't overcome those things - it's genetics. I've learned to stop trying to look like other people and appreciate what I do have.

While there is no hope that you will lose weight and look like your SO, you shouldn't lose hope in yourself. With each pound you lose or fitness goal you reach you will uncover a new YOU (not someone else) - and I'm pretty sure you are going to love what you see.

Lounmoun

susan_mcconnell wrote: »

Also, is there a difference between defending yourself and making excuses? Like am I right to remind her that we are very different physically and she cannot expect me to be like her? I'll admit, we have had a disconnect in understanding one another's difficulties. My family has trouble understanding too, and they are even in the same boat as me. How to fight the naysayers!

Are they telling you that you are wrong or hassling you about your diet?
Just quietly show them you are getting results your way.

You are different people. You can't help that. You have different calorie needs and goals. You need to be the best you that you can be and she needs to be the best for herself. Explain what you are doing and what you need. Respect each other even if you don't understand or feel a little frustrated some days. It is okay to look for more specific support from people who "get it" instead of your SO, family or friends. Welcome to the message boards! Add some friends with similar goals to yours.

My dh lost 30-40 lbs because a medication caused a loss of appetite. He never counted a calorie or did any exercise. Sigh. He is at a healthy weight now but struggles to eat enough calories to maintain. That is pretty different from my situation. I understand that he wants to be a healthy weight for him and does not want to lose more. I helped him figure out how many calories he needs to maintain his current weight. I have printed a list of calorie dense foods to add to his diet since his appetite is smaller. I've encouraged him to track his food to make sure he is getting enough calories.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly trudging toward my goal. I'm doing a lot more work to get there. I'm at my lowest weight in 5 years which is great progress for me. I have more energy, less pain, and can do more. So we have different challenges but basically I think we both want to feel good and be healthy.

cafeaulait7

I've had both problems at different times. It really is gross to have to eat when it is not enjoyable at all! And it really sucks to be so hungry and know that you just ate a good meal and really don't need that much food!

They both just suck, lol. They are very similar in a way. Maybe you two can find support for each other by realizing that for each of you it's a wonky appetite problem that is hard to deal with. It doesn't have to be the same appetite glitch that makes it hard; both of y'all have to go opposite what your appetite is telling you, and that is always rough, imho.

ARC1603

I don't believe in the idea of people being a 'naturally skinny build'. I personally just think some people find it easier to do the things I find hard.

For example, my husband can eat pretty much whatever he wants. As well as being taller than I am and male, he also does a job where he's on his feet and walking for 9 hours a day. If I walked 9 hours a day, I'd find it easier to control my weight too.

My sisters are both super skinny whereas I was always the fat sister and I've always hated that they could eat what ever they wanted. But when I actually started looking at what they eat, they will have stuff like pizza and pringles, but will stop after a couple of slices and crisps. Me on the other hand would have the whole large pizza and tub and then be crying that it wasn't fair.

I remember going to an all you can eat buffet with my skinny friends and feeling very self conscious about the fact I was the only one who got up for food more than once.

The point I'm trying to make is that most people who are 'naturally' skinny and seemingly eat what ever they want are either unintentionally (or perhaps intentionally but just not advertising it) doing the things we have to really work at like portion control and exercise.

concordancia

I keep offering to eat his calories for him, but he insists that it won't work.

In the same night, I might be on the verge of tears because I can't eat any more and still meet my goals, while he is upset because he knows he should eat more, but he just can't put any more in his stomach.

babybear760

Ignore the naysayers. No one can travel your path. It's your path.