Spouse Support

riasntx

So now it begins. I've started working out again after an ACDF surgery this past May. I'm ecstatic to get back to the same activities I was doing for the past three years before surgery. I was quite discouraged thinking there is no way I will ever complete a workout with the same intensity, I am now proving myself wrong each day. However, my husband is questioning my motives. It's so frustrating when he pushes his low self-esteem on me. I am not pushy btw. I don't push my eating habits in anyone else either. He recently bought Body Beast and I was so proud of him for taking that first step..But hasn't started the workout yet. Do any of you have the same problems at home? I don't think he really thinks I'm cheating but lashing out because he sees what he should be doing in me. I'm interested in other thoughts and opinions.

jgnatca

Reading between the lines, he's afraid you will cheat on him as you get lean and hot?

I haven't gotten those vibes from my hubby, but acquaintances and in-laws have been vocal about it. I am both insulted and amused by it. Do they really believe our relationship has no depth?

I can ignore the fools but how do you ignore your partner? If I were in your shoes I might ask the question, "Do you really believe our relationship is so shallow that I only stay with you because I can do no better? Really?"

To generalize broadly, I notice that few guys have friends they can share intimate stuff with. I know hubby depends heavily on me for that sort of friendship. Fear of losing that surely would be devastating.

goldthistime

I have the opposite situation. My husband eats healthily day in day out, and exercises with intensity. I know he wants me to be steadfastly healthy too. But wisely, he never ever lectures or criticizes. He invites me to participate in activities with him and is ridiculously patient with my lack of speed/endurance. Cooks healthy food for me too. He leads by example day in and day out. Could you become him in your relationship?

riasntx

I do believe my husband has a fear deep down inside that I will cheat and leave him someday. It is a very shallow for him to think like that considering we've been married for 25 years. I'm in my late 40's and want to be the healthiest me possible. Diabetes and Heart Disease runs in my family. I've tried to explaining this to him. I ask him to come along with me when I work out at the gym, but he declines. I don't nag...I just leave him alone. I never talk about the extra weight he has put on over the last couple of years nor do I force him to eat the same foods that I choose to eat. I'm a firm believer that people are successful on this journey only when they are ready to commit 100%. You really can not do this for anyone other than yourself. However, I will keep giving him words of encouragement when he takes those baby steps towards getting started, and ignore his little comments. LOL

SuzLink

I totally understand this, my partner is the same! I've lost 58.8lbs over 2 years & I can finally look at my body & think 'yeah, you look good', which I cannot recall EVER doing in life, but I'm at my goal now & am now focusing of toning up & getting stronger. My partner however does not believe this & goes so far as to state it fairly frequently. His sister & brother-in-law, & brother-in-law's sister have all noticed I've lost weight & have commented upon it, saying I look good now but they don't think I should go any further, & I say 'no no, Im just toning now' which they accept. My partner however, does not. I've tried explaining to him how bad I felt about myself before & that I now feel I look good, but it doesn't seem to help. Yes, he loved me before, when I was bigger, but now I can also like myself & feel more confident, which you would think was a bonus, but maybe he is worried about me finding someone else as we do have a large age gap. But this frustrates me too as what does he think I've been doing for 5 years, waiting for someone better to come along?!?! Anyway, when he gets all grumpy & childlike about it, it just spurs me on, as I know I look better, I'm healthier & fitter, & maybe if he did a little more exercise instead of slouching on the couch complaining, he'd feel better about himself too........

jgnatca

I've heard of a similar mistrust with trophy wives. Sometimes these beautiful women are genuinely in love, but because their beloved is wealthy, they may never be completely trusted. I think this is tragic.

tulips_and_tea

riasntx wrote: »

I do believe my husband has a fear deep down inside that I will cheat and leave him someday. It is a very shallow for him to think like that considering we've been married for 25 years. I'm in my late 40's and want to be the healthiest me possible. Diabetes and Heart Disease runs in my family. I've tried to explaining this to him. I ask him to come along with me when I work out at the gym, but he declines. I don't nag...I just leave him alone. I never talk about the extra weight he has put on over the last couple of years nor do I force him to eat the same foods that I choose to eat. I'm a firm believer that people are successful on this journey only when they are ready to commit 100%. You really can not do this for anyone other than yourself. However, I will keep giving him words of encouragement when he takes those baby steps towards getting started, and ignore his little comments. LOL

You seem to have a healthy mindset regarding your lifestyle, so good for you. No, you shouldn't have to constantly reassure him that you aren't going to leave him, nor should he be so insecure, but I'd let him know that his comments aren't helpful. How would he like it if you told him the same things? What would his response be and how would he feel about it? That's what I'd ask him. If you explain that to him and he still makes the comments? Yeah, then I'd just ignore them. Sorry. That's annoying.

tulips_and_tea

SuzLink wrote: »

I totally understand this, my partner is the same! I've lost 58.8lbs over 2 years & I can finally look at my body & think 'yeah, you look good', which I cannot recall EVER doing in life, but I'm at my goal now & am now focusing of toning up & getting stronger. My partner however does not believe this & goes so far as to state it fairly frequently. His sister & brother-in-law, & brother-in-law's sister have all noticed I've lost weight & have commented upon it, saying I look good now but they don't think I should go any further, & I say 'no no, Im just toning now' which they accept. My partner however, does not. I've tried explaining to him how bad I felt about myself before & that I now feel I look good, but it doesn't seem to help. Yes, he loved me before, when I was bigger, but now I can also like myself & feel more confident, which you would think was a bonus, but maybe he is worried about me finding someone else as we do have a large age gap. But this frustrates me too as what does he think I've been doing for 5 years, waiting for someone better to come along?!?! Anyway, when he gets all grumpy & childlike about it, it just spurs me on, as I know I look better, I'm healthier & fitter, & maybe if he did a little more exercise instead of slouching on the couch complaining, he'd feel better about himself too........

Congrats on your success and you just keep doing what you're doing. Sorry you have to deal with that, but I'm really glad to hear you don't let it get to you or derail you. Great job!

SuzLink

BZAH10 wrote: »

SuzLink wrote: »

I totally understand this, my partner is the same! I've lost 58.8lbs over 2 years & I can finally look at my body & think 'yeah, you look good', which I cannot recall EVER doing in life, but I'm at my goal now & am now focusing of toning up & getting stronger. My partner however does not believe this & goes so far as to state it fairly frequently. His sister & brother-in-law, & brother-in-law's sister have all noticed I've lost weight & have commented upon it, saying I look good now but they don't think I should go any further, & I say 'no no, Im just toning now' which they accept. My partner however, does not. I've tried explaining to him how bad I felt about myself before & that I now feel I look good, but it doesn't seem to help. Yes, he loved me before, when I was bigger, but now I can also like myself & feel more confident, which you would think was a bonus, but maybe he is worried about me finding someone else as we do have a large age gap. But this frustrates me too as what does he think I've been doing for 5 years, waiting for someone better to come along?!?! Anyway, when he gets all grumpy & childlike about it, it just spurs me on, as I know I look better, I'm healthier & fitter, & maybe if he did a little more exercise instead of slouching on the couch complaining, he'd feel better about himself too........

Congrats on your success and you just keep doing what you're doing. Sorry you have to deal with that, but I'm really glad to hear you don't let it get to you or derail you. Great job!

Thank you! I think its because I'm one of those stubborn people who thinks 'hmmmm, I'll show you' so I use my annoyance to try to motivate me to keep on track.

riasntx

Congratulations Suzlink. It's a lot of hard work which is proving to pay off. Keep showing him...That's a great way to stay motivated.

riasntx

Thank you BZAH10 for your words of encouragement. I just want others to who go through this to know they are not alone and please do not give up just because it seems as though they do not have the proper support from home.

SuzLink

riasntx wrote: »

Congratulations Suzlink. It's a lot of hard work which is proving to pay off. Keep showing him...That's a great way to stay motivated.

Thank you! Its good to know there are other people with the same problem

KANGOOJUMPS

Do it for YOU, and only you!, Mine was the same way. once you get smoking hot,,,, they get TERRIBLY jealous,, they do not want anyone else looking at u.HE's sleeping while I am out the door for 4,,,,, sucks to be him.

MsMaeFlowers

My husband kind of made a similar comment when I first said I was going to lose all my weight. "No, you can't lose it, cuz then you will find someone else and leave me". We had a nice talk right then and there, and now he is super supportive of me losing weight.

Just talk to your husbands. Tell them why you are doing this, why you will still love them no matter what, and that's that. Just make sure that you don't forget to tell/show them how much you care about them while still caring about yourself and your health. Men are secretly super sensitive and always insecure. We grow up in a world where the hot chicks get the rich/attractive men (movies and tv), so I think that is always in the back of their minds.

tulips_and_tea

riasntx wrote: »

Thank you BZAH10 for your words of encouragement. I just want others to who go through this to know they are not alone and please do not give up just because it seems as though they do not have the proper support from home.

Exactly! I'm glad you shared. There are so many threads about not being able to succeed due to lack of support at home. You CAN do it. You don't need anyone's support or approval. Sure, it's nice. But not necessary.

There is not a single food that my husband eats that I eat and vice versa. We're adults and feed ourselves accordingly. I never even give it a second thought until these threads arise. I wouldn't want to eat like him and he doesn't want to eat like me. Period. No emotional drama or power plays attached. Removing emotion from food is important both for yourself and your family.

And as @LittleMissMae said, "Men are secretly super sensitive and always insecure." So very true from what I've seen.

jgnatca

I'm going home and hugging my hubby tonight. Though his support is more along the lines of not getting in my way, he likes the idea of exercise and comes along once in a while. We went to the gym after a month long hiatus last night and he's been patting his stomach in satisfaction. He knows it's good stuff.

I don't know if he's as happy that I can borrow his clothes now.

SuzLink

KANGOOJUMPS wrote: »

Do it for YOU, and only you!, Mine was the same way. once you get smoking hot,,,, they get TERRIBLY jealous,, they do not want anyone else looking at u.HE's sleeping while I am out the door for 4,,,,, sucks to be him.

This made me chuckle! I'm not to this point of dedicated as I dearly enjoy my sleep, but I do feel good when I go out a jog & he's snoozing away on the couch when I return. We do go to the gym usually once a week/fortnight with his kids for about an hour but while im jogging away he walks/cycles for like 10-20 mins (he only upped to 20 the last time we went) & then spends the rest of the time on the weight machines. He doesn't seem to get that no one can see the muscles if theyre covered in fat.

BZAH10 wrote: »

riasntx wrote: »

Thank you BZAH10 for your words of encouragement. I just want others to who go through this to know they are not alone and please do not give up just because it seems as though they do not have the proper support from home.

Exactly! I'm glad you shared. There are so many threads about not being able to succeed due to lack of support at home. You CAN do it. You don't need anyone's support or approval. Sure, it's nice. But not necessary.

There is not a single food that my husband eats that I eat and vice versa. We're adults and feed ourselves accordingly. I never even give it a second thought until these threads arise. I wouldn't want to eat like him and he doesn't want to eat like me. Period. No emotional drama or power plays attached. Removing emotion from food is important both for yourself and your family.

And as @LittleMissMae said, "Men are secretly super sensitive and always insecure." So very true from what I've seen.

We do usually have the same meals because I work them into my calories, but he has various snacks throughout the day but I try not to have any/more than one. However, he does usually agree to give my healthier recipes a try & even said he really enjoyed some spicy cheesy chicken stuffed peppers, & spinach & ricotta stuffed mushrooms I made......

Wizeman22

Add me

robertw486

I've had similar with the sabotage of my wife wanting "junk" food in the house, some of the catty or less trusting jabs, and a general lack of support. Also the similar insecurity issues from my wife... if she really thought I was cheating I'd be dead and not typing this.... but to me it's still not an issue I should have to face.

But I've decided that I've got to be in this for me, and can't expect my wife and daughter to just follow along. And if I can overcome stopping to pick them up donuts, then it's a bigger win.

riasntx

robertw486 wrote: »

I've had similar with the sabotage of my wife wanting "junk" food in the house, some of the catty or less trusting jabs, and a general lack of support. Also the similar insecurity issues from my wife... if she really thought I was cheating I'd be dead and not typing this.... but to me it's still not an issue I should have to face.

But I've decided that I've got to be in this for me, and can't expect my wife and daughter to just follow along. And if I can overcome stopping to pick them up donuts, then it's a bigger win.

The jealousy works both ways. Society tells us working out and trying to loose weight is a sign of infidelity. I just saw this very topic on the news the other night. Like most ailments, you have to posses more than just one symptom.