How to learn not to blame others?

DLDzioba
DLDzioba Posts: 422 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am trying to be a lot more mindful, I have dieted a lot and whenever I slipped up it was never MY fault. It was always 'how dare they buy me candy, they know I'm dieting' or 'I can't cook healthy because my husband is too much of a picky eater'.

I am trying to bring myself out of that mindset and it is HARD.

My manager just gave me a Halloween treat bag and my fist thought was 'oh hell no' but I tried to reign in the crazy. I thanked her, put the treats away in my bag and went ahead with a healthy snack.

Any advice for combating that self-entitled voice in the back of your head blaming everyone else?

Replies

  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    I think you're on the right track already! Simply recognizing it and knowing it needs to change is a huge first step.

    It's only hard until you get used to it. The only way you can do that is with consistency. Just keep stopping those thoughts and redirect them EVERY time.

    You handled the Halloween candy correctly. Now you have more to give away to trick-or-treaters. You can have a piece or two. Just don't over do it. It's just food. It will be there tomorrow and the next day.

    I think you are realizing that you and ONLY you are in control of this. You can do it!
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
    BZAH advice is awesome. I have been looking for ways to help my overweight mom who has done this her whole life. These seem to be very stubborn habits. Looking forward to hearing any other suggestions you get.

    It is important to realize that you are the one who suffers the most from not taking responsibility--- at the time you tell yourself these things- you are lying to yourself- you aren't really "getting away" with anything.
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
    That is it? No other advice from MFPer's out there? Help us out. :smile:
  • stircrzy
    stircrzy Posts: 47 Member
    BZAH10 Is spot on. It is absolutely okay to argue with yourself. When you notice yourself having a negative thought, correct it. This will help you to challenge negative thoughts thoughts faster and eventually to have more accurate thoughts pop up automatically. The trick is to come up with a positive thought to replace the negative one. It is much easier to replace a negative have a positive one then it is to try and stop a negative have it but nothing to replace it.
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
    It's definitely a way that we hide from ourselves. I've always blamed 'my schedule.' Well, I make my schedule!! LOL
  • Tennisskater
    Tennisskater Posts: 66 Member
    it's tough when you are presented with sweets or foods from others that are not in your diet. I look at the gesture behind it, goodies at holidays, cookies sent in the mail, etc. and have gotten to a point where I am so thankful for the kind gesture. If someone in the family can't eat it, then they go into the freezer or to someone else. I am left with the love from another person, and so thankful for that...sounds a little cheesy.

    I have taken sweets out of my diet (that was a tough lifestyle change but worth it for me) so it is easy for me to say to myself, I don't eat that when presented by something tempting.

    I also look for the work around...for meals I now cook up separate parts of the meals, keeping the noodles and rice separate allows my picky eaters to eat what they want, and I can quickly add extra veggies for myself.


    My tough one is when at family celebrations, I opt out of the desserts, and the maker of the dessert is offended by me not taking a piece...I got my mom on board and she know speaks up for me...:)
  • fiddletime
    fiddletime Posts: 1,868 Member
    I have a new mantra that I use in these circumstances. I say to myself "just because it's given to me doesn't mean I need to eat it. Would I go buy that from the store and eat it? Of course not. So I won't eat it just because it was a gift". It takes practice to take something you know you won't eat, or to graciously decline it altogether.
  • JessiBelleW
    JessiBelleW Posts: 831 Member
    Practice. Someone said self control is like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets. Its kind of true, the more you practice saying 'no thanks, not right now, I'm full, can I have a bit for later ect' the easier it gets.
  • coultog
    coultog Posts: 2 Member
    All of your sentiments are great, but one thing I've not read is about moderation. Yes you're on a diet, but MFP is acting as calorie counter, which enables you to learn from your mistakes (bread and wine in my case) - will an odd sweet or a little cake a relative has lovingly prepared send you back to your initial starting point? No. It won't. So have a little sweet, or a little cake and enjoy it. But make sure it's only a small amount. It's easier to say no, rather than a little when losing weight, but as you are in theory making a life change is that none/little decision going to need to remain for the rest of your life? I hope not.

    For me, I'm hoping the food education (calories and quantities) will lead to a mental change in the recognition of what I can and should eat. It's enabling me to get back to my thinking I had when I was a young fit lad walking long distances and not in the least bit over weight.

    I think MFP/this diet is enabling me to re-educate myself on what quantity of anything is acceptable as well as what type of foods are acceptable in quantity (lots of bread and wine is a no no, I now know).

    Sorry for the ramble. Hope some of it makes sense.
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
    These are good ideas. But, the OP is struggling with something psychological-- she (presumably) already knows she should not eat or limit the candy. She has a tendency to not even get that far because she auto pilots to excuses and eats anyway.
  • rtp_slg52181
    rtp_slg52181 Posts: 73 Member
    I find my ego stops me from blaming others.

    "There is no one who can influence me for I am better than they are"

    It may not be a particularly attractive thought but it gives me control and stops me from blaming others.
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
    rtp_slg52181 wrote: »
    I find my ego stops me from blaming others.

    "There is no one who can influence me for I am better than they are"

    It may not be a particularly attractive thought but it gives me control and stops me from blaming others.

    Interesting rtp! I like that.
  • rtp_slg52181
    rtp_slg52181 Posts: 73 Member
    runningforthetrain wrote: »
    rtp_slg52181 wrote: »
    I find my ego stops me from blaming others.

    "There is no one who can influence me for I am better than they are"

    It may not be a particularly attractive thought but it gives me control and stops me from blaming others.

    Interesting rtp! I like that.

    It helps to master that "you are of no consequence to me" look that makes people uncomfortable to make eye contact with you.
  • myname20
    myname20 Posts: 97 Member
    It is hard to change a mindset and it takes time, tears and effort.. I would start with this exact phrase mentioned before: It's just food. It will be there tomorrow and the next day.
    Then I would teach myself to say no..


    I also hate people who are trying to push me to eat even when they know I am on `diet` etc.. But you cant and shouldn`t change their way of living, they probably dont see this as a problem. Maybe it is a nice gesture from them to offer you something? Maybe they are thinking that you shouldnt be hungry if you want to be happy and productive? But maybe they are just evil and want to see you fail..
    You never know.

    I also love to blame other people in my failures. And believe me, sometimes (not often) you can realy blame them. Because most of the people are not good, kind and are not being happy about you being thin, beautiful and happy. Because they will be jealous.

    I say, you have to check every situation - because sometimes you are just trying to find excuses for you to eat and sometimes people are just really trying to break you.

  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,204 Member
    To blame others is to disempower yourself. Why rob yourself of your power to shape your life as you would prefer it to be? We all have some circumstances we can't change, but we can almost always change how we think of them, and how we react to them. In one of my favorite quotes - and it's an oldie - Epictetus said "people are disturbed not by things, but by the views that they take of them." Not easy, but pretty simple: Don't give your power to others unnecessarily by blaming them.
  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,486 Member
    Just keep saying to yourself 'it is my choice'
    If you are given snacks, it is your choice if you eat them or pass them along.
    If you are offered a treat that takes you over your calories, it is your choice.
    If you are eating the same as your husband, it is your choice to have portions that suit your macros and calorie goal.
    Don't make it difficult by denying food that you like, lust make the choice to have them when they fit into your calorie goal.
    You have this, you recognised your problem; and are addressing it.

    Cheers, h.
  • runningforthetrain
    runningforthetrain Posts: 1,037 Member
    These are great! Thanks everyone. I hope the op sees them!

Categories