(WARNING TMI) Have you felt like this?

kristinadalba

Oh he'll yeah!!
My husband loves a big butt and big twins,I have those...but when my weight was higher I also received rolls.I am so self conscious,even at a low weight.i tend to be a bottom...cause I'm afraid to experiment.feel like I'm too big or I'm not doing it right...feels embarrassingly and mortifying.i didn't realize how bid I'd gotten until my legs were squished on his sides and sex was terrible.i felt pity for him and like he was unhappy.ive lost close to thirty lbs and am 5"6 151 lbs and things are picking back up.i feel better in my skin and the bedroom reflects my improvements .i still feel too big to experiment in bed,but feel a lot closer than before.a lot has to do with my age and gender.I want to always be a perfect example of a Barbie doll,I met him at 17 too.first real relationship,child,marriage etc.hes older.i feel like a rookie.now I'm 21 and learning to accept myself.He fell in ,ove with me at 160lbs and seen me through 125lbs to pregnancy to just a few months ago 184lbs...he knew I was struggling but he is also not a child so he knows there's more than a bod to a woman. Improving my inner self has helped a lot...your not alone by a far shot girl.add me if you like.

LongIsland27itl

My girlfriend is the same way, she blames it on her weight, but she was also this way when she was 30lbs lighter. She's not even obese (135 @ 5'3)
I don't poke or squeeze her stomach, and I never say anything about her looks or weight in a negative way. She does not have a sexual bone in her body and I hate it. When this happens for too long you can really resent a person for it.
If I didn't initiate sex, we would go months without it. She's smart enough to let me "IN" almost every day, but only in one position, while she's watching tv and complains how it hurts.
Please don't be that girl

shadus

I am ABSOLUETLY NOT looking for people to say "Oh dont worry you are beautiful and he loves you" and blah blah blah. Those are kind words, and meant for encouragement. I get it. But what I REALLY want to know is if there are others who have felt that their weight/size has been a hinderance to a healthy romantic relationship with your significant other.

I'm a guy, so for what it's worth, I'm probably closer to how your husband thinks than you are.

When I say, "Don't worry you are beautiful and he wants to stick it in you" I mean just that. Is he hard? Does he show interest? Does he respond when you show interest? Then he doesn't find you unattractive. This isn't words of encouragement, this is raw fact.

What you're experiencing is a personal issue, you're making it a hindrance, you're making it an issue, you're making it more than it needs to be. You can have a spectacular sex life at any size... if you let yourself. My other half is on here losing weight too and we've been a wide range of weights with each other, one of us being fat and another thin in both directions... it never once had a serious effect on our sex life. I find her appealing no matter what size she is and I'm not just saying that, there's a lot more to sex appeal than just appearance.

Honestly, it seems like you should seek some counseling and communicate with your SO better.

Timshel_

I have had issues with being intimate with my husband because I feel so self conscious about how I look.

Few people in the world are without self-concious issues or iadequate feelings, which are exponentially worse when intimacy, the closest you can be with someone, is at hand. But in a relationship, especially in marriage, that is where trust, understand, and safety should be commonplace. I know I have dealt with it for various physical attributes, or lack of *ahem*, but the reality is, it mattered to me more than my wife.

What is important is that you a) continue to strive to be the in the best health you can be, and b) trust in your relationship.

And as you start getting in better shape, trust me....your libido will skyrocket. And your husband will thank you.

jillianbeeee

That sucks. I feel self conscious to and he doesn't get that. I have the opposite problem. I think my guy likes me bigger so other guys wont look! I hear "oh your working out again?" Or here I brought you a peanut butter cup! Screams sabotage! He is not a big guy and he likes to say well, at least you've never weighed more then me. Ya right. I don't think some men think before they open their mouths. Tell him next time he "jiggles your tummy" If he doesn't stop you won't jiggle anything of his anymore! lol. He'll get the hint!

LexiAtel

you just need to remember that if he wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.

THIS^^^ Mine could have so many. There's literally a line, but he chooses me

misskerouac

I know exactly how you feel and here is my 2 cents.

1. Like others have said, he wouldn't want to sleep with you if he found you unattractive, so clearly he still thinks you are the cat's meow. This is about how YOU feel about you, not how HE feels about you.

2. When I turned down my husband because of my insecurities, it made him feel insecure. He didn't understand what I was going through, only that I didn't want to be intimate as often as him which made him question what he was doing wrong.

3. One thing that helped me over time was taking progress pictures in my underwear and bra for myself, this was FRIGHTENING to me, and the first few times (usually a few months apart) were not fun. But as I slowly lost weight and my shape was changing, by seeing it in pictures I could point out things like "Oh my shoulders are starting to look really good and strong" or "my stomach is so much flatter than in this picture from 2 months ago" So that even though I'm not quite where I want to be yet, I can see the transformation. When you see yourself in the mirror every day it's really hard to see how far you've come sometimes.

4. In the meantime, what helped my self confidence was making looking at my bathroom mirror a positive experience. I had people on my Friends List here on MFP leave me positive messages, then I wrote them on post-it notes and put them up so that every day when I was getting ready for work or getting ready for bed I could read them. Here is a pic of my mirror:



It seems silly, and if people use your washroom they might think it's a bit weird, but it works, I highly suggest doing it.

philodoxdreams

People have already stated the most important things - things you need to really take to heart.

1. If he didn't want you, whatever your size; he wouldn't be with you.
2. Sexy has nothing to do with your weight. It's all about how YOU feel about you. You project that all around you. If you accept yourself and find something about you to love and build confidence upon, people will feel it, see it, respond to it. If you are constantly down on yourself, you don't try to look your best because you feel dumpy inside, so why bother with the outside - this is something people will also pick up on.
3. Talk to a professional. Most people who struggle with self image issues do. There may be an underlying problem that could be resolved and help you overcome many of your struggles with your body and weight. Projecting your negative self image feelings onto others isn't fair to them or to you.
4, Do Something about it. If you don't like the way you look - do something about it. Presumably, that's why you're here! This community is friendly, honest and supportive and I know you'll find friends to give you a little positive encouragement along our journey. Keep at it, even when it gets hard. Get involved in things you love to do - whatever keeps you motivated and active!

That said, I'm not a little girl. I've started this process of becoming a healthier person because I don't like the way I look even though my other half says he wants me at any size. As he mentioned, we've been up and down with weight and we're doing this together right now, but our love life hasn't suffered at any time. If your man is sticking it in you dear - he wants to be there. It isn't "taking one for the team", it isn't "pity sex" - it's just intimacy between two people who love one another. It's hard to not be self conscious on some level. I hate myself in a bathing suit - but I love the water. So, I put on my proverbial big girl panties, suck it up and I go out in my swimming suit and I do what I love. If other people don't like it - they can simply choose to not look at me. I will still enjoy my time in the water.

ninjakitty419

Wow! I can't believe I have gotten so many replies! Thank you!

It seems like over and over I am hearing "If he didnt want you, he wouldn't be there."

I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I know he wants me to be healthier and happier. But I also know he has told me, more than once, that I am not physically attractive to him. I feel like once I make some real progress, I will become attractive to him again...or at least as attractive as I was...hopefully more so!

I know that A LOT of it has to do with my own insecurities, but I will never be able to forget the fact that he has never called me pretty/beautiful/cute/sexy but has often called me fat/big/jiggly and it makes it SO difficult to believe he finds me attractive.

It helps a lot to know that there are many others who have felt the same way and were able to overcome the feelings of being disgusted with themselves and able to let their confidence and charm shine through.

ReinasWrath

I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)

YES. My boyfriend says that its never been my body that was a turn off but my attitude! I do exactly what you do and I'll get all self conscious in the act and start talking about how fat I am or whatever and he says THAT is what is a turn off not anything else.

kelseyhere

I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)

I agree with Hannah. We all have days when we don't feel sexy. You just have to look in the mirror, everything on display, and say what you do like about yourself. Talk yourself up, but on a cute bra that makes you feel hot, and strut your stuff. When you feel sexy, you will carry yourself better. Just smiling more does leaps and bounds for your looks. No one likes a frowny face.

If you don't think you're sexy, he might start to agree with you.

MsMuniz

Sometimes men just don't realize. One day my husband said I love your thunder thighs. I was like What??! He did not know thunder thighs is usually an insult. :noway:

RivenV

Sometimes men just don't realize. One day my husband said I love your thunder thighs. I was like What??! He did not know thunder thighs is usually an insult. :noway:

Oh husbands... Mine pokes my "pooch" from time to time because (he says) he loves it. Then I'll tell him I wish it was gone, and he'll say, "But girls are supposed to have a little pooch. That's the part that expands/contracts when they have babies! It's a baby-pooch for later."
Because, deep down, we're all kangaroos.

HeyItsCourtney1

I felt that way for so long. Eventually I took mirrors down. And avoided my boyfriend because I was so insecure. It got to the point I would try to get him to break up with me just so I wouldn't have to worry about that. Now, I'm still insecure but I'm learning to love things other than the outer appearances. I'm always trying to lose weight but I get discouraged. And my bf doesn't always help with that. The best advice I can give is tell him what you're feeling. Maybe he doesn't realize how it makes you feel? If he still does it, maybe you should really sit him down and try to put him in your shoes.

mmm_drop

I think that's a common problem for women, especially when we see what the porno women look like.

Oh bull, porno guys have gigantic schlongs. Men usually don't sit and cry at their weiner size, and are afraid to have sex with a willing woman. If he did, I'd say his head is messed up and go to therapy now.

So don't blame porn. (We watch porn together. It's fun!)

OP, you have some serious body-image issues that you should work to overcome, probably with some CBT. They run deeper than just your weight. You can call your husband a jerk all you want, but it won't fix anything. There is a strong chance that your mental state is interpreting everything he does as extremely negative.

I assure you plenty of fat, jiggly, people have awesome sex (and if you watched enough good porn you'd know that). Surely, he doesn't see you the way you see yourself. If left untreated, it can mess with your marriage. Do something before it gets worse.

Did you miss the part where I said men and women are different?

And yes, some men actually do have serious insecurity issues with their junk. And that's super sad too. Anyone can be insecure and sometimes seeing a idealized person can feed into that.

Have some compassion man.

Men and Women have complete different views on this subject. Point blank!!!!!

Call me crazy, but I'm a woman and I agree with him.

Everyone, men and women, have insecurities and this is what it boils down to in the end.

njconat

I know exactly how you feel. Start watching what you eat and exercising as much as you can. Logging into mfp several times a day helps mr a ton. I feel like I'm obsessing over my weight loss goals but I an seeing results. Even the smallest changes make me feel sexier. I also drink tons of water to keep myself from getting bloated and looking fatter than normal. Mixing cardio with strength training is going to give you the fastest results. Look on YouTube for beginner workouts. There are tons!

njconat

By the way if your husband is calling you fat, and not beautiful, you need to give him a piece of your mind. Or find a man that is attracted tou you regardless.

ladyark

You know when i was heavy i didnt feel near as gross in bed as i do now. Before i was heavy all over....now it feel like i have the saggy belly and boobs that are half the size they used to be. My hubby loves the new me and most times i do too but, i think we all at times worry about how we look naked.

Now if you husband is saying things that are unkind and hurt your feelings you need to seriously call him out on it. Its just uncalled for .

kmm7309

My husband does not jiggly, poke, pinch, or prod my fat. He puts his hands in the right places at the right times. He says all the right things. Almost every time we have sex he comments on good I am ("maybe the best... easily top three").

But I am very self conscious. I get nervous being on top (although that's some of our best sex) and when the bed creaks... sometimes I cry because I think it's going to break.

I talked to my doctor about this, and she says that it sounds like low grade depression. Unfortunately, every depression medicine's side effect list includes low sex drive, so we didn't think that would be helpful. I'm just working on trying to love myself.

But you are not alone in feeling that way. :flowerforyou:

jennyrebekka

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.