Dealing with some old ED Issues (please don't respond without reading full post)

Ponkeen

*If you have never had an eating disorder and are not a licensed nutritionist but think you know what is best for me and feel the need to "school" me in the comments, don't waste your time. Please just move along to some other thread*

The first 4 months of my weight loss trek went relatively smoothly, but since the cold weather started to hit, I've been craving food like crazy and struggling with some old binging and purging issues.

I was bulimic for 15 years, and within the last five have managed to break through and begin to pursue healthier living. Unfortunately, this also meant gaining a lot of weight. It sounds *kitten* backwards, I know, but the biggest part of recovery for me was getting my emotional house in order and learning to value myself beyond my physical appearance. Now I am on to the eating portion, and here the physical habits engrained over 15 years of self mistreatment have come roaring back to the fore. And I am always, always hungry right now. It's possible that my caloric intake could be increased, but them I would not be losing weight, and I still have a ways until I am back in a healthy BMI range.

I would equate the desire to binge and purge with the desire to get high. It's a form of self-medication, eating your feelings, drowning out emotional pain with food much as you would drown it out with alcohol or drugs. But you can't quit food.

So, a question for anyone else who is or has dealt with this or similar issues : how did you muddle through? What helps you get through the urge to binge when hungry and actually eat the way you ought to? How do you handle the physical cravings? I am resolved to not lean on food in times of stress, but that resolve is not holding in the face of Old Man Winter.

phxteach

I congratulate you for finding the source of your issues and taking healthier measures to deal proactively. Unfortunately, I cannot give you advice on the actual question you asked. I pray that you find those people on this forum. However, since you mentioned a change in your coping as winter approaches, you might want to consider several questions. Is something different nutrient wise in your diet now than it was a couple of months ago? Exposure to sunlight or decreased exercise routine? Difference in supplements you are taking? This time of year there are many more sugar/carb dense foods available. My only experience is once that I start eating more carbs, it becomes much more difficult for me to control my physical urges to splurge. My body responds to that insulin and it becomes a downward spiral. Is there a possible bio-chemical reason in your situation? Since you're a lady, are there monthly or prescription hormonal variations? Best wishes and praying for good answers that speak to you.

JustMissTracy

I've dealt with anorexia and body image issues, along with a spurt of binging years ago....the only advice I can give, is it might be time to go back to a professional, even just for a mental "top up". Much love, I hope you find peace and a way to handle the upcoming winter months xo

blanche_o

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear that you have had this struggle for such a long time. I myself am on my road to ed recovery; anorexia with bulimic tendencies. Eating disorders freakin suck and i applaude you for wanting to recover and gain back your health.

Not being able to "quit food" is such a valid point you're making! Relapsing is so easy and i don't think anyone who's never had an eating disorder/had a close friend/family member and gone through all the motions will ever understand how fragile we can be regarding food and eating.

When i feel a relapse coming on, i try to force myself to think about something else that makes me happy, or i think about how i want to respect my body, my health and my emotional state. Relapsing could feel like instant relief and therapy, since an ed seems to become part of one's identity. But recovery means rediscovering one's identity, i think. I also think about my parents and how supportive they are and how they trust me and believe in me. I'd hate to disappoint them. But mostly, i tell myself that i've made a promise to treat my body the same way i'd treat a baby: with love and kindness.

Good luck with your journey. Know you're not alone. Xx

sls2072

I can see that you have come a long way and although I do not know the personal struggle you have been through or the feelings you are currently feeling, I can have an understanding for the process itself. Perhaps keeping busy or being around others with like minded goals could keep you from going back to old tendancies. If you really feel the need to have something with carbs or outside of the portion you would normally eat, maybe just keep enough around for one serving. I wish you all the best on this journey.

GaleHawkins

@Ponkeen it sounds like you have made great progress.

In my case I would eat until it hurt really bad then still eat more but I was never underweight however.

My pain level (autoimmune inflammation) was like 7-8 and I had to do something being 63. To cut out grains and sugars I finally had to leave them cold turkey after failing to taper off of them for two months over a year ago. After two hellish weeks my cravings faded and have not returned. I never go hungry now and my pain that fell to a subjective level of 2-3 in the first 30 days is still well controlled by my new way of eating. I have only lost 30 pounds over the last year but that is OK because now I eat for improving my health so as long as my health markers are improving I am happy. Now that I can move better I am walking some and rebuilding some muscles.

Best of success. Only you live inside of your body and your body will guide you I expect as to what you need to do for the best of health. I do find reading research on my health concerns is helpful. Yes some info may be 180 degrees opposite of the last thing that I read but in time the info comes together to help me.

We are all different and that is why 'advice' from others can be so wrong for us often. Keep up the good work.

irishdancer214

I struggled with anorexia for somewhere between 3 and 4 years. It never fully goes away, you aren't just "healed"...I know now how to manage my triggers. I probably should have gone to see a professional, but I managed to come through it on my own. I, too, am losing weight that I'd gained in "recovery"... I started out at my lowest at 110 pounds, 5'5"...I was barely 6% body fat (I was dancing and running a ton, so there was a lot of muscle there too)...and I never touched a scale at my highest point, but I'm estimating around 160. My biggest suggestion is just to make lots of friends and talk about your issues...I hate winter too! The best thing I've done has been to make friends and tell them about my past...allow them to support you!! Please feel free to send me a friend request too

Ponkeen

Oh man. Thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful responses. Some very excellent points were raised, and I can't thank you enough. It may be time to check in with a therapist, just because. And it is true that you are never really 'over' something like an eating disorder- you just learn how to cope with the triggers differently.
Thanks, guys. And, I wish those of you working through this stuff strength, harmony and focus as well.

vespiquenn

Bulimia sufferer here for many years. I do agree with the thought process that has been mentioned that you are never fully healed, but learned better coping mechanisms whether it be from sheer willpower or therapy.

With that being said, I have binged and felt tempted to purge. I can't even say that I honestly have been clean for the last year 100%. But what I have found works for me is to continue weighing and logging my food like normal. Over time, I began to see my "binges" go from 2000 calories to 1000 to 500, ect. When I log my food, it is kind of a realization that "oh, I didn't actually eat as much as I thought." I also remind myself that even a binge has minimal affect on my weight if it isn't frequent. The change in the scale is likely to be water weight. In the end, knowing that I have the power to control, despite my mind trying to say otherwise, the disordered thinking helps. You are not just your eating disorder, and even during the times of weakness, you need to recite this over and over in your head. There is no failing, just new paths to explore and overcome.

However, I do hope that all of this is being discussed with a therapist in order to receive the best methods to overcome rather than just strangers.

My_Butt

I've had EDNOS for 18 years now (since I was 10), and it still comes and goes. Whenever I want food I ask 'why?' If I ate a substantial amount in the last hour or so, I know it's not real hunger. Then I have to figure out my state of mind: am I happy, mad, sad, or bored?

Also, take a look at what you're craving: sweets- you could be tired and your body wants sugar for a quick fix.

If you're slightly dehydrated, that could give you false hunger.

When I get like this, I will either do a yoga session to cure my blues, take a nap if it's towards evening anyways, make a better choice (if I'm craving sweets, eat an apple).

When you identify the 'why?' it's sometimes easier.

Azurite27

I didn't have an ED but I have had issues with hunger. A big part of my success has been to change the way I look at food. I now see food as fuel rather than an emotional coping mechanism or enjoyable treat or something to do when I'm bored. I also had to find the combination of macros and foods that helped me feel fuller. For me this meant higher fat and protein and whole grains. Now when I reach an emotional state where before I would have turned to food or alcohol to cope, I turn to exercise. Also just keeping busy helps, I struggle the most when I have nothing to do.