Stress
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For me there are a few things that really help. The first is a having a plan to change the stressful situation. The second is doing things that make me happy, walking listening to podcasts, kickboxing, knitting, coloring, even cooking something good. However, all of these coping strategies requires confronting the stressors, not just pushing them off until later. If it the kids that are creating stress, you are the parent, tell them what you expect and then what the consequences are if they don't do what is expected (you will be helping their future partners and employers immensely as well as yourself).0
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Stress for me is mostly about controlling my thoughts and self talk. If a voice internal or external is telling me to do more, when I am doing my best, I am stressed. I have to counter that with thoughts that recognize what I have accomplished. I remind myself of trends, that I am moving in the correct direction. Having been in abusive relationships, at work, in my youth, and in my previous marriage, if someone is not treating you with the respect you deserve it is imperative to remove yourself from that relationship.0
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superhockeymom wrote: »
I grew up the peacemaker it's who I am.
I don't think that will ever change.
Growing up conflict was unavoidable. So it's hard to say
Growing up is hard for everyone. We get past the conflicts by facing them. That's what growing up is. Being the peacekeeper is not a good attribute. That sends the message that those involved can't solve problems for themselves. If someone else solves it for thm they become complacent. We get stronger by solving our own problems. Try mindfulness meditation whenever you're doing what you do...be it coloring, reading, or doing the dishes. Concentrate only on what you are doing in the present. If your mind wanders, say to how you can solve someone else's problem, bring it back to the present. It's a practice that takes some effort. I have several moments in each day where I tell myself I need a healthy dose of "I don't give a fack." All the feelings pass if you let them.0 -
I try to have "on" times (when I am trying to actively worth through the thing I am stressed about) and "off times" when I give myself a break from it completely and escape to fantasy world.
In my "off" times I play Magic The Gathering and Hearthstone competitively or I listen to an audio book - something sci-fi preferably. I watch Star Trek for hours. I have broken my World of Warcraft habit because it wasn't serving me, but the rest definitely do.
Yes, I am a 40 year old career woman not a 14 year old boy - but the heart wants what the heart wants! I no longer set boundaries based on what society regards as adult or child-like behavior in my leisure time and I am much happier for it
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soulofgrace wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »
I grew up the peacemaker it's who I am.
I don't think that will ever change.
Growing up conflict was unavoidable. So it's hard to say
Growing up is hard for everyone. We get past the conflicts by facing them. That's what growing up is. Being the peacekeeper is not a good attribute. That sends the message that those involved can't solve problems for themselves. If someone else solves it for thm they become complacent. We get stronger by solving our own problems. Try mindfulness meditation whenever you're doing what you do...be it coloring, reading, or doing the dishes. Concentrate only on what you are doing in the present. If your mind wanders, say to how you can solve someone else's problem, bring it back to the present. It's a practice that takes some effort. I have several moments in each day where I tell myself I need a healthy dose of "I don't give a fack." All the feelings pass if you let them.
Interesting I can imagine I will have trouble with this but worth a try. Anything is worth a try.0 -
i like to crochet0
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I try to have "on" times (when I am trying to actively worth through the thing I am stressed about) and "off times" when I give myself a break from it completely and escape to fantasy world.
In my "off" times I play Magic The Gathering and Hearthstone competitively or I listen to an audio book - something sci-fi preferably. I watch Star Trek for hours. I have broken my World of Warcraft habit because it wasn't serving me, but the rest definitely do.
Yes, I am a 40 year old career woman not a 14 year old boy - but the heart wants what the heart wants! I no longer set boundaries based on what society regards as adult or child-like behavior in my leisure time and I am much happier for it
Wait, sci-fi and audio books make us 14 year old boys?
Seriously, from one 40 year old woman to another, I listen to audio books (mostly history, though), watch sci-fi (I will give up my Farscape DVDs when they pry them out of my cold, dead hands), and I have a constant craving to play The Sims (although I resist most of the time because my 9 year old keeps asking to play and I'm not ready to explain what 'woohoo' means in the game - we've done the basic explanations in real life, but I draw the line at the game.)
This kind of stuff is totally geek chic now!
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There's lots of good ideas here so I won't repeat them. I hear you when you say it is hard to turn the brain off. I'm going to add a new idea for you to consider. David Allen's "Getting Things Done".
http://gettingthingsdone.com/
I took a summer to internalize his time management techniques and I would list his book in my top ten life-changing books. When all my tasks are managed, I only focus on those that are within my control at the moment. The rest are packaged away for me to review at the appropriate time. It releases a whole bunch of brain space for creativity and other things.
I thought of another one, the concept of Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
https://www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=en
When you are involved in learning a new skill, just challenging enough for you to be fully engaged, you enter a state of "flow" where time slows down. There won't be room for intruding thoughts. I've engaged in flow in activities as wide ranging as peeling a carrot (challenging myself to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible), and painting a portrait.0 -
i do yoga. no one is great when they start.
i go for a walk
i play games like candy crush or paradise bay or tetris.
doing something with your hands is good too like crochet or knitting0 -
I try to have "on" times (when I am trying to actively worth through the thing I am stressed about) and "off times" when I give myself a break from it completely and escape to fantasy world.
In my "off" times I play Magic The Gathering[\b] and Hearthstone competitively or I listen to an audio book - something sci-fi preferably. I watch Star Trek for hours. I have broken my World of Warcraft habit because it wasn't serving me, but the rest definitely do.
Yes, I am a 40 year old career woman not a 14 year old boy - but the heart wants what the heart wants! I no longer set boundaries based on what society regards as adult or child-like behavior in my leisure time and I am much happier for it
OMG - I LOVE that game!!! I really need to teach it to my husband - thx for the reminder!
ETA - right there with you with Star Trek as well LOL! I have it playing when I get ready in the mornings. It's probably a big reason why I'm a software engineer lol. LOVE technology!0 -
Well I like some of these I don't really understand the games. Knitting I have tried but I just need learn to cope with the stress and get out of my head. I going to try the audio books and well the sex of corse. LOL0
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I deal as directly with the underlying reason for stress as I can. If I'm reacting, then it's up to me to change what I can. Most stress is self-induced for me, based on false expectations. Manage my expectations or they will manage me.
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MarcyKirkton wrote: »I deal as directly with the underlying reason for stress as I can. If I'm reacting, then it's up to me to change what I can. Most stress is self-induced for me, based on false expectations. Manage my expectations or they will manage me.
That is all true. Stress for me usually is linked to control. Out of control is stressful and I have to stop trying to control things that I can't. I can't control other people's actions I can't control every aspect of my job or household it's not logical . It leads right into my other problems where I over compensate for lack of control in one area with overly controlling something else.
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Don't forget that you can borrow audiobooks from most libraries. You don't have to buy them to enjoy them. I browse online and can download the books right to my phone and they automatically return after 2 weeks. No late fees and I don't have to spend any money. I use the "Overdrive" app.0
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SingRunTing wrote: »Don't forget that you can borrow audiobooks from most libraries. You don't have to buy them to enjoy them. I browse online and can download the books right to my phone and they automatically return after 2 weeks. No late fees and I don't have to spend any money. I use the "Overdrive" app.
Good to know. Thanks0 -
Have you had that frank discussion with your husband about how out of control you feel, how stressed you are, how it manifests itself into your binge/restrict cycles, how you need more help around the house, and managing all the daily commitments, how you are trying to set ground rules for your kids to be home for dinner, to engage more as a family? If not - I'd probably start there instead of with the sex...0
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WinoGelato wrote: »Have you had that frank discussion with your husband about how out of control you feel, how stressed you are, how it manifests itself into your binge/restrict cycles, how you need more help around the house, and managing all the daily commitments, how you are trying to set ground rules for your kids to be home for dinner, to engage more as a family? If not - I'd probably start there instead of with the sex...
Well we have had discussions oh yes we have. He has actually been helping out a bit. Everything kinda just exploded last Thursday if he doesn't get it now he never will but I can tell he really doesn't fully get it. The kids are home when they are supposed to be. They are good kids.
Sex who said my husband had to be. involved?0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »Have you had that frank discussion with your husband about how out of control you feel, how stressed you are, how it manifests itself into your binge/restrict cycles, how you need more help around the house, and managing all the daily commitments, how you are trying to set ground rules for your kids to be home for dinner, to engage more as a family? If not - I'd probably start there instead of with the sex...
Well we have had discussions oh yes we have. He has actually been helping out a bit. Everything kinda just exploded last Thursday if he doesn't get it now he never will but I can tell he really doesn't fully get it. The kids are home when they are supposed to be. They are good kids.
Sex who said my husband had to be. involved?
Intimacy is a very important part of a healthy relationship. You have said some things about your husband 'not getting it' and all the things you say about yourself and your unhealthy relationship with food that are worrying. It sounds like you could get some benefits from couples counseling.0 -
From what you've said it sounds like we might have grown up with some similar baggage.
After a long time, I learned how to be mostly happy in my own little bubble and that I had to put my emotional needs first, or I couldn't help anyone.
It's funny, given that they've already been mentioned, but audiobooks REALLY help. I listen to them, get on with my day in my own little world and be happy. It's kind of like meditating. It's great for blocking out negativity.
And if you can, see a counsellor - one that you like and can talk to. It helps.
Remember that everything is not your fault and it's not horrible to put yourself first.0 -
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I like to kickbox...it really helps when someone has been driving you nuts.
Going for walks, raking leaves, shovelling snow... It all helps.suziecue20 wrote: »colouring book or sex....hmmm
Sex colouring books.
Oh, and sex. Lots of it.0 -
I like to explain to folks who might see me acting out-of-sorts that I'm pissed off and overwhelmed (or whatever it is) and I'm going to do my own thing/be alone for most or part of of the day. I get migraines a lot or other pain that makes me irritable, and I'm simply no good as company sometimes anyway.
For instance, my dad comes over frequently in his retirement. I swear I don't mind and I enjoy it, but he can irritate me when expecting me to be a good hostess like I would be to less familiar folks. He's a lot ruder than other folks, too, make no mistake! He enjoys playing the curmudgeon.
I go on and do quick or important things for him directly, but like when I feel bad I tell him that he'll have to do X or Y himself and emphasize why. Yes, he pouts (my word for it). Yes, he acts like it's a bigger deal than it is. It is designed as a guilt trip (he's always tried to completely master that but had really stubborn kids, lol). If he starts yelling, I tell him to please go, because I don't need to be yelled at. I'll see him tomorrow; it's cool. Bye!
He's gotten much better knowing that I'm going to stand my ground on certain things, that I think drama about it is childish on either of our parts, and it doesn't work with me anyway (unless you push and push me to WWIII for a night, and he does hate those results. I'll scream right back and forth at folks on the rare occasion if that's what'll get it through to them).
You can't be afraid of seeming like a b**** just because someone is going to act like you are when they are really manipulating you with it. Unless the drama is truly intolerable, just try to squash it calmly, stay very reasonable, and do your thing as drama-free as you can manage.
Then take a bubble bath, or do some yoga (you don't have to be good at it ) and wind down for your own self
I know yours is different because I do it when I don't feel good, but you can say you need a break for a few hours or whatever, and it's the same sort of thing in the end. Do you even get headaches from the stress? Then there's your opening. Headaches, anxiety, depression... they all deserve a bit of 'leave me alone for a while' breaks, and people usually understand that. Hell, I've said I just wasn't up to talking to anyone for a few hours and that worked. I seem moody sometimes, obviously, but it was true and it worked and was much less stressful to have that down time We even had fun later in the day, like I'd hoped! Good luck! 0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »superhockeymom wrote: »I'd recommend a kind of lifestyle change where you put your needs higher on your priority list. Yoga for 10 minutes isn't going to help as much as cultivating a lifestyle where you have people supporting you in the ways you've told them to help you. Having the kids help around the house. The husband helping with shuttling the kids. ... All of those little things will add up. If you add on top of that, the hot baths and laying off the booze, and you could see your life change.
But it's getting those people to do anything that causes the added stress
They're only adding extra stress if you let them. Patti, you're in your head with this. You can take control of what you do and do not do. You are in control of what you allow to affect you emotionally. You're like 45, right? Honestly, you sometimes sound like you're in your 20s in terms of your self empowerment. I don't know who taught you that you come last. The truth is that you can help your family more if you take care of yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Stop being an empty cup. Take the time and space you need to refill your own glass. When you're happy and healthy, then you'll be able to give more to them than you do now.
I grew up the peacemaker it's who I am.
I don't think that will ever change.
Therapy0 -
superhockeymom wrote: »MarcyKirkton wrote: »I deal as directly with the underlying reason for stress as I can. If I'm reacting, then it's up to me to change what I can. Most stress is self-induced for me, based on false expectations. Manage my expectations or they will manage me.
That is all true. Stress for me usually is linked to control. Out of control is stressful and I have to stop trying to control things that I can't. I can't control other people's actions I can't control every aspect of my job or household it's not logical . It leads right into my other problems where I over compensate for lack of control in one area with overly controlling something else.
Therapy0 -
@allenpriest yup that's where most of this came up and why I was looking for other ways people cope.
But thanks
Looks like audio books are popular and I will give them a try
Thanks to everyone for your ideas.
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Therapy can take a long time but done right it works. Professional help may be better than strangers who don't understand the details.0
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superhockeymom wrote: »@allenpriest yup that's where most of this came up and why I was looking for other ways people cope.
But thanks
Looks like audio books are popular and I will give them a try
Thanks to everyone for your ideas.
Hasn't your therapist suggested practical solutions about how to cope? If not, then maybe this particular therapist is not the right match for you?0 -
allenpriest wrote: »Therapy can take a long time but done right it works. Professional help may be better than strangers who don't understand the details.
Correct. But I was supposed to come up with some ideas and I had some almost all surrounding working out. Trail running. Hockey things that require thought or you going to trip and fall on your face. Both things I love but also things that can not just be done every day so I needed to have some ideas for other less intense things. Walking I do a lot of it but all that is is thinking over things sometimes good sometimes bad. This morning was great. Sometimes I get more stressed out. It's stupid and hard to explain like most things.
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There are some really fun podcasts out there to listen to while walking. There are even some about mindfulness and meditation if you wanted to learn about it. I really like listening to things to keep my brain quiet, but there really is something empowering about sitting with your thoughts and learning which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go.0
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If it helps, and I don't know if it will because we're very different people with different thought processes, here's how I deal with moments of stress. Please note, this is not how I deal with "real" stress. Real stress is the stress from illness or the death of a loved one or applying for a new job. THOSE things are SUPPOSED to be stressful, and I deal with them in different ways.
Here's some of my coping mechanisms for day-to-day stress:
-For the daily feeling of being "too busy" or things feeling "out of my control" I respond by becoming more organized. I set aside time to develop new systems and mechanisms to literally coordinate and organize my life more. This is a long term project, but involves a lot of "simplifying" my life. From eliminating extra clutter in my house and on my desk to eliminating habits and people who don't add value to my life. I make grocery lists and dinner recipes. I have to-do lists for housekeeping and chores I check off. There's portions of my life that are indeed outside of my control, but I'll be doggone if my cupboards are going to be overflowing clutter monsters. I can at least control that. This grocery list I made? I totally nailed it. Bam. Adulting like a boss.
-For the stress from a project or difficult person at work, I take a break, make some tea, walk around the block, etc. I remind myself that my skills at work are a scarce resource that other people in the organization come to and rely on. I have value, and that's why I'm employed. I remind myself of that, and remind myself that petty you-know-whats don't get to invade MY headspace with their petty, selfish nonsense.
-For the feeling at the end of the day where I'm just sad and lonely and feel unappreciated, I take a bath, do my nails, something where I'm appreciating myself, instead of seeking external appreciation. And I read or listen to podcasts I enjoy.0
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