Unsupportive family/friends??
KT_3009
Posts: 1,042 Member
In the past I've had certain family members make rude comments about my weight from the age of 15 and also this after I put on all the weight I had lost at 17. Some of the comments has really caused me to have a low self-esteem and feel uncomfortable.. How have any of you dealt with unsupportive friends or family and is it better to bring it up with family or just let them say what they're saying?
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What are they saying?
Basically, in life, YOU get to control how other people make you feel.
If they're saying hurtful things, tell them. Then if they keep doing it, you say to them "look, I find this '[example of what they said]' hurtful. The next time you engage me with this kind of talk that hurts me so much, I will end the conversation and walk away. It doesn't mean I don't love you, I just have to take care of my own self esteem, and the best way to do that is to not surround myself with words I personally find hurtful." Set boundaries for your relationships and interactions, and then follow up on the consequences you've told them would happen if they cross the line.0 -
I think it definitely depends on the family dynamic. Is your family pretty open to communication or are these people just negative about things in general? Do you feel that if you explained to them that their words are hurtful it would make a difference? In my family the people who would say things like that in the first place were kind of jerks about everything and I learned to block out what they are saying. If it was someone close to me I would just tell them how I felt. Sometimes people don't realize that their words have power. As for friends, those are people you choose to be around. Why would you choose to be around people who don't support you?0
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You have to be assertive. Simply say something to the effect of "it's really rude when you make uninvited comments about my body. Is there a reason you are trying to hurt my feelings "? Sometimes politely "calling out" someone immediately after they say something rude is enough to embarrass them and get them to realize what they are doing.
Remember when people make comments like that, it is often more about them than it is about you. Keep your chin up and remember you're doing this for you0 -
I don't spend a lot of time with my father, because he says awful things to me. I can still have a meal with him, and if things get ugly, I always have some other place I can go. My partner didn't believe me, until my father left a crazy, rambling voice mail message to berate me.0
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Let them talk. It's on you not to base your self-esteem on what they say.0
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I have a mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law who like to keep regular tabs on everybody's weight, especially my husband's. They just don't have a filter. When I was pregnant his grandma told me my legs were "getting thick".
I have noticed that these same family members are the first ones to point out when you lose weight as well. Of course they will talk about it a LOT all through your progress. You could try to be honest and let them know it bothers you, but I'm honestly not sure if it will do anything besides start a fight. Best thing to do is let it roll off your back and laugh about it later. Then focus on yourself and other people (friends included) that will be a positive force behind your goals.0 -
I don't think OP is in elementary school.In the past I've had certain family members make rude comments about my weight from the age of 15 and also this after I put on all the weight I had lost at 17. Some of the comments has really caused me to have a low self-esteem and feel uncomfortable.. How have any of you dealt with unsupportive friends or family and is it better to bring it up with family or just let them say what they're saying?
If they were to say anything about me now I'd know they are lying because I'm flawless. Op tell them you don't like it, if they continue pick out every flaw in them.
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What are they saying?
Basically, in life, YOU get to control how other people make you feel.
If they're saying hurtful things, tell them. Then if they keep doing it, you say to them "look, I find this '[example of what they said]' hurtful. The next time you engage me with this kind of talk that hurts me so much, I will end the conversation and walk away. It doesn't mean I don't love you, I just have to take care of my own self esteem, and the best way to do that is to not surround myself with words I personally find hurtful." Set boundaries for your relationships and interactions, and then follow up on the consequences you've told them would happen if they cross the line.
All of this.
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If they were to say anything about me now I'd know they are lying because I'm flawless. Op tell them you don't like it, if they continue pick out every flaw in them.
Oh my. I fail to see what good this would accomplish.
OP, you really can't change other people. It's unfortunate if they insist on being negative, and it's out of line for them to launch opinions on your weight. Maybe you can reduce their influence in your life by seeking positive friendships. Read uplifting books, pursue your interests and hobbies. Continue with your weight loss goals. In other words, live life on your own terms. The less you internalize negative things said to you, the better off you'll be.
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My parents are really unsupportive, especially my mom. It was my mom who denied buying me salad when I was 16, 160 pounds (I'm 6" tall) and wanting to lose 20 pounds to be healthier. It is my mom who gets mad at me when I take the scale and the measuring tape from her room so I can weigh myself every day. It was my mom who once nearly choked me to death when I was 17 because I was late to volleyball practice and I was begging her to take me. My mom is the one who wouldn't pay for me to go to Weight Watchers because she said I look fine at 160 pounds when in reality I felt awful. My mom is overweight herself and always says she doesn't mind and I find it really obnoxious as nobody likes to be 250+ pounds after 3 children. Sometimes I think she blames me, the oldest, for causing her to lose her body (which, before she got pregnant, was 190-200 pounds (she's 5"9) which, IMO, isn't that good at all). When I told her I wanted to be healthier, not weigh less, she still disagreed and said I'd be "anorexic". My dad isn't that unsupportive but today when I told him I wanted to be 117 pounds he said "I'd look like a 1 and I'll just be long" (because I'd have no weight, just height). Because of my parents' opinions I actually gained like, 100 pounds and became depressed since they weren't being supportive. But, once I stopped going to them and losing weight on my own, I lost a lot of weight.
When I feel angry I'll come to this forum. Some days I won't talk about my successes with them because they don't want to hear it and that does me just fine as I don't want to argue about it. Sometimes I'll look for healthier role models online, like Kayla Itsines or whoever, people who aren't afraid to brag about being healthy and fit. Above all I try to bathe everyday and keep personal hygiene up and generally just be a healthier person than I was when I was 16, just so one day I'll hit my goal weight and finally prove a point to myself, not just to my parents. It's very important that you realize it's YOU your weight loss journey affects and NOT anybody else including your parents.
tl;dr - my parents do not control my destiny no matter how critical they are0 -
My parents are really unsupportive, especially my mom. It was my mom who denied buying me salad when I was 16, 160 pounds (I'm 6" tall) and wanting to lose 20 pounds to be healthier. It is my mom who gets mad at me when I take the scale and the measuring tape from her room so I can weigh myself every day. It was my mom who once nearly choked me to death when I was 17 because I was late to volleyball practice and I was begging her to take me. My mom is the one who wouldn't pay for me to go to Weight Watchers because she said I look fine at 160 pounds when in reality I felt awful. My mom is overweight herself and always says she doesn't mind and I find it really obnoxious as nobody likes to be 250+ pounds after 3 children. Sometimes I think she blames me, the oldest, for causing her to lose her body (which, before she got pregnant, was 190-200 pounds (she's 5"9) which, IMO, isn't that good at all). When I told her I wanted to be healthier, not weigh less, she still disagreed and said I'd be "anorexic". My dad isn't that unsupportive but today when I told him I wanted to be 117 pounds he said "I'd look like a 1 and I'll just be long" (because I'd have no weight, just height). Because of my parents' opinions I actually gained like, 100 pounds and became depressed since they weren't being supportive. But, once I stopped going to them and losing weight on my own, I lost a lot of weight.
When I feel angry I'll come to this forum. Some days I won't talk about my successes with them because they don't want to hear it and that does me just fine as I don't want to argue about it. Sometimes I'll look for healthier role models online, like Kayla Itsines or whoever, people who aren't afraid to brag about being healthy and fit. Above all I try to bathe everyday and keep personal hygiene up and generally just be a healthier person than I was when I was 16, just so one day I'll hit my goal weight and finally prove a point to myself, not just to my parents. It's very important that you realize it's YOU your weight loss journey affects and NOT anybody else including your parents.
tl;dr - my parents do not control my destiny no matter how critical they are
Don't mean to derail, but I had to point out that at 6'0" your BMI at 117 would be about 15.5. Please consult with a doctor or another adult you trust and get some advice regarding your goals.0 -
You have to be assertive. Simply say something to the effect of "it's really rude when you make uninvited comments about my body. Is there a reason you are trying to hurt my feelings "? Sometimes politely "calling out" someone immediately after they say something rude is enough to embarrass them and get them to realize what they are doing.
Remember when people make comments like that, it is often more about them than it is about you. Keep your chin up and remember you're doing this for you
Honestly I can't imagine anyone in my family or circle of friends ever saying anything negative about my body or weight, but this right here sounds like really good advice.0 -
I totally understand. The women in my family are all quite overweight, and they actually are very passive aggressive about me NOT being overweight. Comments like, " you know, men don't like for you to be too skinny". Funny, cause my husband has told me at least a dozen times that he's so happy I don't look like the rest of the women in my family. I don't actually say that, mind you, cause I don't want to be crappy and mean like them. But it's tempting.
The other thing is I can't have a meal with them without getting the eye roll when I order healthy or pass over dessert.
I've learned to consider the source. They are unhappy with themselves, and cannot find it in their hearts to be happy for me for being in shape which is HARD WORK, and didn't just magically happen when I woke up one morning.0 -
Here's a book which might provide some insight and new ways to deal with bad family patterns.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103999.Toxic_Parents Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward
You don't deserve to have these unkind words thrown at you. Sometimes family members are invested in keeping you in the slot they've assigned you in the family, be it the DUFF, the flake, or whatever. Yes, it's hurtful. No, you don't deserve it, and yes, they should stop.
Whether they do stop or not will help you figure out what to do. Irrepressibly damaging people end up with few family and friends at the end.0 -
Oh, and unsupportive friends? Invite them to make new friends they will actually admire. You want people around you who genuinely appreciate you for who you are.0
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My parents are really unsupportive, especially my mom. It was my mom who denied buying me salad when I was 16, 160 pounds (I'm 6" tall) and wanting to lose 20 pounds to be healthier. It is my mom who gets mad at me when I take the scale and the measuring tape from her room so I can weigh myself every day. It was my mom who once nearly choked me to death when I was 17 because I was late to volleyball practice and I was begging her to take me. My mom is the one who wouldn't pay for me to go to Weight Watchers because she said I look fine at 160 pounds when in reality I felt awful. My mom is overweight herself and always says she doesn't mind and I find it really obnoxious as nobody likes to be 250+ pounds after 3 children. Sometimes I think she blames me, the oldest, for causing her to lose her body (which, before she got pregnant, was 190-200 pounds (she's 5"9) which, IMO, isn't that good at all). When I told her I wanted to be healthier, not weigh less, she still disagreed and said I'd be "anorexic". My dad isn't that unsupportive but today when I told him I wanted to be 117 pounds he said "I'd look like a 1 and I'll just be long" (because I'd have no weight, just height). Because of my parents' opinions I actually gained like, 100 pounds and became depressed since they weren't being supportive. But, once I stopped going to them and losing weight on my own, I lost a lot of weight.
When I feel angry I'll come to this forum. Some days I won't talk about my successes with them because they don't want to hear it and that does me just fine as I don't want to argue about it. Sometimes I'll look for healthier role models online, like Kayla Itsines or whoever, people who aren't afraid to brag about being healthy and fit. Above all I try to bathe everyday and keep personal hygiene up and generally just be a healthier person than I was when I was 16, just so one day I'll hit my goal weight and finally prove a point to myself, not just to my parents. It's very important that you realize it's YOU your weight loss journey affects and NOT anybody else including your parents.
tl;dr - my parents do not control my destiny no matter how critical they are
Don't mean to derail, but I had to point out that at 6'0" your BMI at 117 would be about 15.5. Please consult with a doctor or another adult you trust and get some advice regarding your goals.
Yeah, this all jumped out at me too. And at 160 your BMI was on the lower end of normal. Aside from the choking thing it sounds like your parents weren't being unsupportive, they were trying to keep you from going down a dangerous path.0 -
Honestly I'm 31 and my mother still does this with me. I told her I wanted to lose 10 more pounds before my sisters wedding and she tells me I should make it 20. Thankfully since I grew up with this I've learned just to brush it off and not pay attention to it. It definitely has taken a toll on my mentality and how I see my body but I always have to remind myself that to my mother, only a size 2 is acceptable... And there is no way I could ever be a size 2.0
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Some people are negative. You have little choice in who you're related to - but you do get to choose how often you're around them. Ultimately how you handle it is up to you. You can try talking it out - pointing out that your goal is to be healthier, and the negative comments don't help. But in reality the relative who will give a teenager grief about her body probably isn't going to change. So come up with some simple responses when the topic comes up, such as "I'm getting healthier/stronger" or "I am happy with my progress". And limit the time you spend around negative people. Change the conversation or cut the visit short, depending on your comfort level.
And in terms of friends - consider whether or not they ARE friends. But also keep in mind that the lack of support could come from jealousy or a sense of guilt. (You're doing what they should be doing.)
Last but not least, your success is up to you. Be proud of the choices you make, and know that only you are responsible for you. And if necessary, seek help to work thru the self esteem issues.0 -
I am slowly beginning to realise that I have a choice and I don't think life for me is good if I spend it thinking bad about myself or allow others to speak bad of me. I was doing really well with my weight loss until I allowed three people's opinions to influence my goals and view of me. Now I don't speak to them or if I do it is not about me and my weight loss or maintenance or anything too personal. You will find loads of people on here who will help you hun.. good luck with your journey x
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My mother in law makes it a point to mention that she has an older picture of me when I was much heavier which I find to be weird and evil. I told my dh and he agrees which is one of the many reasons we rarely ever see her. Ignore these ppl because the best form of " revenge " is living well. Continue on your journey and smile along the way. Try to limit your contact with any negative ppl regardless if they are related or not.0
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Self esteem should come from how YOU feel about yourself. Smile and blow them off, remembering YOU'VE done an awesome job.0
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Liftng4Lis wrote: »Self esteem should come from how YOU feel about yourself. Smile and blow them off, remembering YOU'VE done an awesome job.
I totally see this, and really at any given moment I am pretty sure I am the coolest person in any room
But it doesn't stop other people and their opinions hurting your feelings (even if in a perfectly mentally healthy adult it should) So yes OP hold your own self worth, it is no one else's job to do that for you, and then stand up for yourself. If they are rude it is ok to say, "hey that was rude, don't repeat it." Or "it appears you fell off the wrong side of the bed today, so I gonna walk away while you adjust your attitude." 0
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