Surviving after the death of a child

sspscott

I don't normally talk about what has happened. About a year and a half ago my son Gavin was killed in a train accident. Gavin was the light of my life. He was known as my "Shadow". Everyone tells me I need to talk about it. It's so hard for me.

This has affected every aspect of my life, work, relationships, eating, working out, etc. My mental health as well as my physical health. I KNOW that part of my down moods can be attributed to a poor diet and lack of physical activity. But I can't seem to get back on track.

And now... I've been having pain and tingling feet. Then I read that this could be a sign of diabetes!!! I'm not one to freak out about symptoms, but this scares me. I live in Sweden and going to the doctor is hard because I'm not fluent in the language.

I don't know what I'm hoping to get from writing this down... just need to talk.

RuNaRoUnDaFiEld

I'm so sorry that you lost your son, a huge hug to you x

Try to take baby steps to help you through the grieving process. Set mini goals like I will walk outside at a quick pace for 20-30 minutes a day.
Little changes like that would help with the circulation to your feet and can also enhance your mood.

Do you have any funny video clips of Gavin? Sometimes watching them helps us remember the good times, he would want you to do that and I'm sure you know that. A good laugh/cry session can help us through grief.

Try to make the trip the Dr, take your phone and use google translate if need be, just to put your mind at rest over the tingling.

I hope you keep posting in the thread, it can make us talk more about things if it not face to face with people we know. You can get through this x

minniestar55

First, please accept my condolences. What a terrible loss for you; it is not surprising that you are having trouble getting back on track. You should seriously make an appt & see a GP, you have been under a lot of emotional stress & a checkup would be a very good thing.

Maybe it could help if you could try to take some small steps. Like trying to go for a short walk outside every other day? Getting out in fresh air & natural light might help to lift your mood a bit. Making big changes can be difficult, so perhaps little things could help.

EvgeniZyntx

So very sorry for your loss. I don't think people fully heal but we learn to live and share our losses.

As to doctor thing - I understand that - I live in Germany and am not fluent in the language. Go to the expat community like internations.org and ask about for a physician that speaks English - I'm sure that in the community, especially in a country like Sweden, an English-speaking doctor won't be too hard to find.

Good luck.

distinctlybeautiful

Oh my heart hurts for you. I just wanted to say kudos to you for having the strength to create a post about it. It must have been hard just doing that. I'm hesitant to give any advice because it's such a foreign thing to me, but I think people are right in telling you that talking will help. It'll hurt like nothing else, I'm sure, but I really think that's the only way to get to a place where you can cope a little better. If you don't have or prefer not to talk to family and friends, then I'd suggest finding someone like a counselor who can really help you work through this stuff. That may be very difficult being in a non-English-speaking country, but I think it'd be worth the effort if you can find someone.

bri170lb

Oh, bless your heart! You are so brave to reach out for support.

I have a close friend who actually lost 3 teenage children. This happened a little over 10 years ago, and she has had a very difficult journey since then. But I can tell you that little by little she has learned to get back to a life that is filled with lots of joy to go along with the tears.

One thing that has really helped her is lots of exercise, fresh air and sunshine. She also does a lot of volunteer work. She has found that helping others helps her.

She has become a grief counselor who specializes in helping people deal with situations similar to hers. I'm sure you could find a similar councelor, or even just a support group in your area.

You are not alone. There are people near you who really know how you feel and who would love to supprt you. I hope that you can find the courage to find these resources in your area.

tulips_and_tea

I'm so very sorry for your loss. The pain never goes away but we learn how to manage it. Give yourself time to grieve but take care of your health as well. That's the only way you'll have the strength to cope.

Good advice from @bri170lb. Finding a counselor to talk to one-on-one or a support group may help. You may think you don't want to talk about it, but realizing that you aren't alone is very helpful.

Just try to make healthy food choices and get up and go out for a walk and some fresh air. The only thing that helps is the passage of time and knowing that no one can ever take your happy memories away.

OneHundredToLose

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. Although I didn't lose a child, I lost someone very close to me recently as well. If you need someone to talk to, go ahead and message me. Maybe we can help motivate each other, even if our goals are different.

Francl27

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As far as I know, people in Sweden are often pretty good in English, so you should be able to find a doctor who speaks it.

mbaker566

Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage to put it out into the interwebs

see if you can find an english speaking doctor or use google translate

also, make sure to get out of the house-walk, movies, markets. I would also find a support group for parents who have lost children. While you might not speak the language well, you might find comfort in being with a group of other people who are grieving.

Ishii19

So sorry for your loss - it is a thing that should never happen.
I only know the two facts you put down, so of course you should start with a doctor. That being said I was just speaking with someone else about grief, this person also lost an immediate family member, and he's been living with that for some years now. He felt the metaphor of grief as a suitcase at the end of your bed, which you pick up every morning and carry all day long was very apt. Some days it is empty and light as air, and some days seems filled with bricks, and as time goes on your suitcase carrying muscles grow stronger, but you carry it every day. He also felt that sometimes when you have some work of grieving to do that is not getting done, your body will force you to do it - with physical manifestations - he even mentioned tingling extremities. So see your physician but also keep reaching out for support like you are doing here - I know a support group - even an online one - would be a great resource.
God bless.

sspscott

Thank you to everyone that reached out. I will stop making excuses about seeing a doctor and get that *kitten* done.

I have started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time recently. It's always been hard for me. I wanted to talk to people that knew Gavin and could understand what he meant to me. But that wasn't fair because my friends had no idea what to say and they where also afraid that I would take their "Dude, you should really talk to a professional." as "I really don't want to hear you talk about this anymore." So I came to that realization and tried to see a doctor, but it just didn't work for me. I don't know if it was a connection with them or what, but I wasn't feeling it. So I just stopped talking about it at all, to anyone. And when *kitten* got to me I just withdrew. And would disappear for days, weeks sometimes. And it's not like I just curl up in a dark corner and cry while listening to The Smiths. I just feel like being alone. It's hard to explain. So, I started again. I've started seeing a new doctor and it feels better. But I feel SSssSSSsO drained after each visit. And I guess that is good.

It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.

Thank you all!

girlinahat

You are grieving. It's a process, let it happen. Talking about it and writing it down are helping you so keep going.

Good that you have found a psychiatrist who is helping - even if all they are doing is listening that will help you in the long run, and get to a doctor about those pins and needles - yes it may be a sign of diabetes but it may also be a psychosomatic response to the grieving process - tell your psychiatrist about it as well.

I've always thought the Swedes had very good command of English - particularly those who've been through higher education so the chances of you finding a doctor are very high.

Just another thing - I've always found that when I have a problem I talk to different friends depending on the problem, but I'm not expecting them to respond or SAY anything, I just want them to listen. Some friends are better at that than others. Professional help is good, but don't shut yourself away from your friends.

ShrinkingKerrie

I'm so sorry about your son xx

1mumrevolution

Sorry for the loss of your son, that's heartbreaking.

zoeysasha37

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have anything helpful to add but still wanted to let you know how sorry I am.

snapdragon1231

There is no proper time frame to recover from this. The only real wrong thing to do in grief is become a drug addict or a complete *kitten*. Continue to see a doctor. And continue to seek help as long as it takes to find the right doctors.

The family that lived next door to me growing up lost their youngest in January and I wanted to be helpful so I researched what to say and do and learned that most grieving people like hearing stories about their loved one. This seemed true for this family so I try and relay funny stories about their loved one now and then. My point is, maybe you can just say to your friends that you find comfort in that (if you do) because to me my instinct says the opposite. Just be honest with what you need from them. As a friend I appreciate knowing what I can do to help.

keepitcroosh

So sorry for what happened and what you are going through. . And good for you for seeking help. Be strong and feel free to message me if you need to vent or anything.

debrakgoogins

I can't begin to understand what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. The fact that you put in writing your feelings and your frustration is a very good sign that you are trying to heal. Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of another, keep communicating. Good luck to you.

distinctlybeautiful

I admire your strength in seeking help. It's not everybody who can say, "ok, for an hour every week I'm gonna sit and face the hardest thing I've ever dealt with." It takes courage to do that, and it's impressive.

robertw486

sspscott wrote: »

Thank you to everyone that reached out. I will stop making excuses about seeing a doctor and get that *kitten* done.

I have started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time recently. It's always been hard for me. I wanted to talk to people that knew Gavin and could understand what he meant to me. But that wasn't fair because my friends had no idea what to say and they where also afraid that I would take their "Dude, you should really talk to a professional." as "I really don't want to hear you talk about this anymore." So I came to that realization and tried to see a doctor, but it just didn't work for me. I don't know if it was a connection with them or what, but I wasn't feeling it. So I just stopped talking about it at all, to anyone. And when *kitten* got to me I just withdrew. And would disappear for days, weeks sometimes. And it's not like I just curl up in a dark corner and cry while listening to The Smiths. I just feel like being alone. It's hard to explain. So, I started again. I've started seeing a new doctor and it feels better. But I feel SSssSSSsO drained after each visit. And I guess that is good.

It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.

Thank you all!

Glad you could post out in the open and get some weight off your chest. We lost our first child when she was a baby, and it takes time to deal with all the emotions that come with such a thing. And I think by nature many guys try to act like it's ok to just "be tough" and show no emotion. Personally I think that's BS, they are just fooling themselves and not sharing that emotion, which might make it harder to deal with.


Don't let the grieving process overwhelm you. It's normal to feel that way at times. There are natural steps of progression in the grieving process, and you take those steps when you are ready. Though there are different models for this.... the below is from a quick search.

recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html


I went to some group sessions on dealing with grief and loss myself. Having had several unusual and more traumatic deaths in my immediate family, combined with the "expected" losses of elderly family, it became overwhelming at times. At the end of the final group meeting we did what is know as an empty chair exercise. You sit across from an empty chair and have a conversation with the loved one you are struggling to cope with the loss of. It was one of the most emotionally draining things I've ever done.