Anorexic turned binge eater

nataliehuller

hello everyone; I'm sorry if this is going to be long and annoying but I'm just so confused and scared and sad. So let me talk about this journey I've had. I was 18 and I decided to buy a scale, at 5'4 I weighed 165 and that's when I knew I weighed way too much. At first I wanted to lose up until 145. So I started working out. The pounds wouldn't come off and I got so frustrated and realized I'd have to fix my diet. So I started eating less, instead of having larger portions I had smaller portions, I cut off fast food and unhealthy food. And I managed to lose 5 pounds, I was so happy; so I started working out more, and started eating less; 10 pounds! Yes! 20 pounds! Yes now I was at 145, and I was feeling pretty accomplished. I started working out more and eating even less. Eventually I lost to 140 and was so happy, but I thought, you know what? I could lose more I'm still fat. So I decided to go vegan. I cut off all dairy and meat and ate even less and worked out even more; I eventually dropped to 135 but I was like hey, I'm still fat. So I started working out more and eating less, and decided to cut out starchy carbs. Didn't eat any bread or rice or any of that, just vegan proteins and veggies and fruits. I eventually went down to 120 I was so happy, but I still thought I was fat, so I still wanted to lose. So I started exercising 3 hours a day, and cut off all fatty vegan foods (oils, nuts, avocados, olives) all of them were gone. Leaving me with vegan protein and veggies and fruits. I made my way to 110 but I still thought I was fat, so I decided to cut off the vegan proteins as they were higher in calories. So there I was, stuck with veggies and fruits, I made myself to 100 and I still thought I was fat, I cut off high carb fruits (bananas, apples) and high carb vegetables, basically leading to me only eating spinach and celery everyday. I made my weight go down to 95 pounds, I ended up fainting in the gym the next day. And got diagnosed with anorexia, I was told I had to gain to atleast 112. Scariest thing of my life having to GAIN weight, I was overweight my whole life, now I'm too skinny? But I did, I realized that this was a health risk and I had to do something. So I ate whatever, probably had more than 5000 calories a day, and I gained. I gained up until 112 and I decided I had to tone it down now. So I started eating healthy again, proper healthy not my *kitten* up version of healthy, but I lost it, after a week of eating healthy I ate a lot again, ALOT, now I'm at around 125 pounds over the course of 2 weeks of eating. I went from 112 to 125 in 2 weeks because I cannot control the binges. I don't know what to do anymore, today I told myself I'd get back on track so I ended up having oatmeal and Greek yogurt and blackberries for breakfast but then I ended up having like a box of dates a box of dried prunes another Greek yogurt 2 clemintines 2 small bags of chips a kit may, 2 fruit smoothies, 2 apples, half a container of nuts, fish salad, tuna salad, cereal and milk, ice cream, celery, 4 servings of peanut butter, carrots, pita bread and cream cheese and popcorn. And I don't know how to stop this; I don't need to gain anymore weight, but I've lost control, what do I do? Help please, I need support I feel so alone.

tcarp8

I think you may need to speak to a professional. Psychiatrist or psychologist.

jgnatca

The help you need is beyond the resources of a discussion board. You need professional support.

One meal won't make or break you.

There are great people who have overcome disorder before you.

SoulOfRusalka

This happens to a lot of people. It happened to me after anorexia. When your body is starving it wants food. I second that you should talk to a professional, preferably a doctor/nutritionist and a psychologist. We can't help you as much as you need.
Congrats on your recovery so far! I know how much bravery it takes.

DawnSober

Professional help :-) you will get through this. Breaking Vegan is a great book that just came out written by someone that went through what you're going through and is overcoming.

SoulOfRusalka

DawnSober wrote: »

Professional help :-) you will get through this. Breaking Vegan is a great book that just came out written by someone that went through what you're going through and is overcoming.

Just want to say that you can stay vegan if you were doing it for moral reasons. Veganism, conversely, helped me recover from my ED so don't think that you have to necessarily start eating animal product. Depends on you and your motivations.

nataliehuller

To be honest me being vegan had nothing to do with the animals; even though I lied and said it did. I feel like I need to develop a healthier relationship with food before going vegan. But do I really need professional help? The doctor I have sucks. He doesn't really care about my binging or anything as long as I'm healthy weight I'm fine for him. He says "just eat healthy and stop when you're full, you're good now" and like it's not that simple? He's no help at all...

nutmegoreo

You need a different doctor. Yes, professional help is important.

nataliehuller

They all say the same thing. I just get weighed and if bmi is healthy I'm good and if I'm eating I'm good, that's all they care about

queenliz99

nataliehuller wrote: »

They all say the same thing. I just get weighed and if bmi is healthy I'm good and if I'm eating I'm good, that's all they care about

A doctor that understands eating disorders.


https://myfitnesspal.desk.com/customer/portal/articles/1575987-eating-disorder-resources

DaddieCat

ask for a referral for a therapist. Or ask for a referral to a different doctor. He/she has no right legally to deny either of these requests as they could be construed as malpractice.

ETA: So says a friend who is a doctor, although this varies by state/country. they indicate that you are in your rights to request a referral, and if denied, would fire that doctor and find another if laws are not on your side in your location.

LKArgh

nataliehuller wrote: »

hello everyone; I'm sorry if this is going to be long and annoying but I'm just so confused and scared and sad. So let me talk about this journey I've had. I was 18 and I decided to buy a scale, at 5'4 I weighed 165 and that's when I knew I weighed way too much. At first I wanted to lose up until 145. So I started working out. The pounds wouldn't come off and I got so frustrated and realized I'd have to fix my diet. So I started eating less, instead of having larger portions I had smaller portions, I cut off fast food and unhealthy food. And I managed to lose 5 pounds, I was so happy; so I started working out more, and started eating less; 10 pounds! Yes! 20 pounds! Yes now I was at 145, and I was feeling pretty accomplished. I started working out more and eating even less. Eventually I lost to 140 and was so happy, but I thought, you know what? I could lose more I'm still fat. So I decided to go vegan. I cut off all dairy and meat and ate even less and worked out even more; I eventually dropped to 135 but I was like hey, I'm still fat. So I started working out more and eating less, and decided to cut out starchy carbs. Didn't eat any bread or rice or any of that, just vegan proteins and veggies and fruits. I eventually went down to 120 I was so happy, but I still thought I was fat, so I still wanted to lose. So I started exercising 3 hours a day, and cut off all fatty vegan foods (oils, nuts, avocados, olives) all of them were gone. Leaving me with vegan protein and veggies and fruits. I made my way to 110 but I still thought I was fat, so I decided to cut off the vegan proteins as they were higher in calories. So there I was, stuck with veggies and fruits, I made myself to 100 and I still thought I was fat, I cut off high carb fruits (bananas, apples) and high carb vegetables, basically leading to me only eating spinach and celery everyday. I made my weight go down to 95 pounds, I ended up fainting in the gym the next day. And got diagnosed with anorexia, I was told I had to gain to atleast 112. Scariest thing of my life having to GAIN weight, I was overweight my whole life, now I'm too skinny? But I did, I realized that this was a health risk and I had to do something. So I ate whatever, probably had more than 5000 calories a day, and I gained. I gained up until 112 and I decided I had to tone it down now. So I started eating healthy again, proper healthy not my *kitten* up version of healthy, but I lost it, after a week of eating healthy I ate a lot again, ALOT, now I'm at around 125 pounds over the course of 2 weeks of eating. I went from 112 to 125 in 2 weeks because I cannot control the binges. I don't know what to do anymore, today I told myself I'd get back on track so I ended up having oatmeal and Greek yogurt and blackberries for breakfast but then I ended up having like a box of dates a box of dried prunes another Greek yogurt 2 clemintines 2 small bags of chips a kit may, 2 fruit smoothies, 2 apples, half a container of nuts, fish salad, tuna salad, cereal and milk, ice cream, celery, 4 servings of peanut butter, carrots, pita bread and cream cheese and popcorn. And I don't know how to stop this; I don't need to gain anymore weight, but I've lost control, what do I do? Help please, I need support I feel so alone.

You need to talk to a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist. It sounds like you are actually doing great considering you seem to be doing this alone and it is great you realise you do need support, but you need real life support from someone who knows how to help, not people online.

Tatarataa

I could recommend the self help book "Appetite Awareness Training" by Linda Craighead/ It gives you a tool to regain joy and freedom with eating again while reaching the most agreable weight at the same time. In addition you could see a therapist and or nutritionist, but I could really only recommend the AAT approach that helps you to rediscover your internal cues to eat and enjoy in a structured way (not like many intuitive eating books whcih often only say eat when hungry and stop when full)