Split my "fat" jeans today

howardge

I'm feeling so defeated. I've been doing 300 minutes of cardio a week and I've been trying to eat healthier (trying not to log calories/weigh myself because I've struggled with an eating disorder in the past and it makes me a little unhealthily obsessive). The other day I split a pair of jeans that used to be my "fat" jeans. Luckily I was home when it happened, but I still felt humiliated and worthless-- like all the work I've been doing doesn't matter at all. I should probably be eating less, and I should probably be doing more strength training stuff, but after that happened I just feel like.. christ, whats the point? I split my pants BEFORE the holiday season even started... ughhh.

Maybe it matters that I'm taking antidepressants. I've been on zoloft for about 8 months and I've been on Wellbutrin for about a month. I hear that they are supposed to be weight neutral, or that the Wellbutrin will actually make you lose weight. Well, not for me! When the doc prescribed me the Wellbutrin she weighed me. I'm at my highest weight ever. She says I'm still within the "normal" range for my height, but I am so unhappy with the way I look, and now that I've outgrown most of my pants... like... I can't afford new pants dammit!

callsitlikeiseeit

If you are within the normal range for your height, you may want to seriously consider a therapist, especially as you admit youve had eating disorders in the past.

SLLRunner

It sounds to me like you have not recovered from your eating disorder. Your jeans are not fat jeans if you are in a normal weight range, they are simply too small for you.

Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

SLLRunner

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Verdenal

It's hard to know whether the medications are causing the weight gain if you're not weighing yourself and keeping track of your food intake. There are some medications that cause weight gain, but as you note, the ones you're on typically don't cause that problem.

To avoid becoming overly obsessive about food, why not develop 4, 6, 10, 12 go-to meals that you like, create a calorie deficit, and can be made from easily obtained ingredients? You will have to weigh the food at least the first time to determine how many calories are in each portion. Thereafter, you'll have to stick to the portion size. If you kid yourself you'll only be the loser.

You also should weigh yourself in order to make adjustments in your diet. If every day is too much, try three times a week. The longer you put off dealing with the reality of your actual weight the longer it will take to lose the weight. Over time, you will notice certain weight fluctuations from day to day. But if you're making the right changes your weight will go down.

I know you think you're working hard, but you have to work hard the right way, which means keeping on top of what you're eating. Exercise is good, but it is not the main engine of weight loss, calorie reduction is.

howardge

This stuff is so tough. I am in therapy (she's wonderful). I guess I'm having a little flare up because after I stopped intentionally depriving myself (and stopped all those weird eating disorder rituals too) my weight stabilized and stayed that way for a few years (to a bmi in the normal range). From being weighed at the doctor's office I know that I've gained like, 20 pounds over that last two years. Even though I'm still in the normal range, the increase (and busted zippers/buttons/seams) are totally freaking me out.

RedLipsRedDress

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

If you are within the normal range for your height, you may want to seriously consider a therapist, especially as you admit youve had eating disorders in the past.

I agree. And I also understand. I was 15 when I developed an eating disorder and nobody noticed because my mom kept telling me I'm fat. I didn't fit in the smallest clothes out there. I have to say I had already reached my adult hight. I trained hard, I ate little and my weight was still 61 kg. I had pain in my stomach after I ate and I pooped only once a week (sorry if tmi) . At one point I felt so discouraged that eating went completely out of control. I gained 25 kg in less than 2 years. Since then a lot has happened but here's what I am trying to say. Recently I did some research and according to my calculations it turns out my Lean Body Mass is 58 kg and the lowest possible healthy weight for me is 61 kg and the highest healthy is 74 kg. Why did I make this mistake? I was insecure and misinformed. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way. I can only tell you something I've learned from reading everything possible out there on the topic of weight loss - when your weight-loss is at a plateau you should change your exercise routine and try weights instead of cardio. Many people say it helps. Also track measurements and trust them more than what the scale says. Maybe a change in attitude is necessary. Good luck

SLLRunner

howardge wrote: »

This stuff is so tough. I am in therapy (she's wonderful). I guess I'm having a little flare up because after I stopped intentionally depriving myself (and stopped all those weird eating disorder rituals too) my weight stabilized and stayed that way for a few years (to a bmi in the normal range). From being weighed at the doctor's office I know that I've gained like, 20 pounds over that last two years. Even though I'm still in the normal range, the increase (and busted zippers/buttons/seams) are totally freaking me out.

Based on this, please do continue with your therapy. I'm glad she's wonderful for you, too, because it's important to bond with your therapist.

The best of luck to you.

Psychgrrl

Those weren't your "fat" jeans, more like your "at-the-low-end-of healthy" jeans. Please take care of yourself and call your therapist!

Focus on the good things about your body now. That you're giving it the fuel and nutrients it needs to sustain itself. All the while keeping in mind you are at a healthy weight. You. Are. Not. Over-weight.

Maybe take a cool new class--there's tons of fun things on Groupon for cheap (including pants). Ariel yoga, rock climbing. Let your body show you all the amazing things it can do now that it's healthy!

Verdenal

SLLRunner wrote: »

It sounds to me like you have not recovered from your eating disorder. Your jeans are not fat jeans if you are in a normal weight range, they are simply too small for you.

Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

I don't know how you can say that without knowing much about the OP. I've never had an ED and the normal weight ranges for my height are frequently much higher than any weight I've ever recorded in my life. I assume they're based on averages for an overweight population. I'm currently 9 pounds over the supposed minimum weight for my height and I'm trying to lose weight because this is the most I've ever weighed. I don't look good and I feel worse.

It's a good idea for the OP to see a doctor anyway, but I dislike it when untrained people offer diagnoses to strangers over the Internet.

wizzybeth

Nobody's diagnosing and everyone is saying to continue with the therapist.

Queenmunchy

Pre-logging can be very healthy. Instead of saying "I can't eat anything" you are fulfilling your role to eat "at least this much." It is a tremendous help - this is from a 11-25yr old dx Ed-nos and onward.

kshama2001

Psychgrrl wrote: »

Those weren't your "fat" jeans, more like your "at-the-low-end-of healthy" jeans. Please take care of yourself and call your therapist!

Focus on the good things about your body now. That you're giving it the fuel and nutrients it needs to sustain itself. All the while keeping in mind you are at a healthy weight. You. Are. Not. Over-weight.

Maybe take a cool new class--there's tons of fun things on Groupon for cheap (including pants). Ariel yoga, rock climbing. Let your body show you all the amazing things it can do now that it's healthy!

This ^

@howardge - maybe swap out some of the 300 minutes of cardio with yoga and strength training. Yoga has a tremendous benefit for my emotional well being.

tomteboda

Verdenal wrote: »

I've never had an ED and the normal weight ranges for my height are frequently much higher than any weight I've ever recorded in my life. I assume they're based on averages for an overweight population.

You'd assume incorrectly.

Body Mass Index

howardge

thank you so much for your support yall. you are wonderful.

Colorscheme

Psych drugs are a blessing and a curse. I was on Seroquel and the low doses didn't affect me much, but at 200 mgs a day, I was ravenous and I gained ten pounds in a month. It's tough, especially because it helped me mentally. Eventually I asked to get switched to another drug because it started messing with my periods.

Instead of counting calories, maybe try to focus on good eating choices instead.

AMSmit88

howardge wrote: »

This stuff is so tough. I am in therapy (she's wonderful). I guess I'm having a little flare up because after I stopped intentionally depriving myself (and stopped all those weird eating disorder rituals too) my weight stabilized and stayed that way for a few years (to a bmi in the normal range). From being weighed at the doctor's office I know that I've gained like, 20 pounds over that last two years. Even though I'm still in the normal range, the increase (and busted zippers/buttons/seams) are totally freaking me out.

Firstly, I'm really pleased to hear that you're in therapy with someone you feel you can trust. I know how important it was for me going through therapy to have someone I could properly talk to.

Now, if you feel that weighing yourself/weighing your food/counting calories are triggers for you, then quite simply don't do it. What I would suggest however, is discussing your anxiety over your jeans with your therapist and coming up with a plan together on how to deal. I'm reluctant to offer advice on losing weight because it sounds like you still have quite an emotional attachment to that side, but if it is what you want then again discuss a plan with your therapist - they will be able to give your far more sound, tailor-made advice than anyone on here.

Also, calm down on the cardio! This is obviously just my personal experience, but the biggest thing that helped turn my mind around on my relationship with food was starting weight lifting. I might be a whole stone heavier now than I was at my illest but I look way better now for picking up those weights, and also, you know, from eating. Remember that 20lbs ago you were probably not very well at all and it isn't something to aspire to again (and I know at times that that is super hard!) It's all about learning to take care of yourself in a healthy and positive way, and remembering not to beat yourself up - again, I know that is SO hard at times, but it is the times like these that your therapist is there for. So go call her and arrange to see her for an additional session. I promise you she will not mind.

howardge

Just had a follow up appointment for my meds. The doc weighed me. I'm right on the cusp of "overweight" on the bmi thing. Intellectually I know that bmi is an inadequate, somewhat arbitrary measure, but still. *kitten*.

Colorscheme

Maybe you should ask about adjusting/switching medication.

howardge

Eating disorders are so unfair because you have to eat food and exercise to be healthy, but you have to find the right balance in even thinking aboutthese things because otherwise you relapse. Such bs!

howardge

They are upping the Wellbutrin. We'll see. So *kitten* to be faced with stopping a med that has been good for your mind to remedy a physical side effect!