Stopping Saboteurs

Nachise

I have an old friend who is tall and willowy, while I am on the short and stocky side. We were trying to coordinate our schedules for the holidays, and she stopped me in my tracks when she told me that I've worked hard enough, and I should just practice acceptance about my current weight/physique for the "sake of our friendship". The reason why she said that was because I told her that my workout days were non-negotiable. That ticked me off, but made me realize that I weigh more than most people think I do. I've developed a lot of muscle, but I am still working on losing the fat. I was too angry to talk to her, so I wrote an email and sent this to her:

"We are both busy people, and sometimes it is hard to coordinate our calendars. Life is like that sometimes. I truly love and enjoy the time we spend together, but I feel the need to explain myself.

The last time we talked about coordinating our schedules, you asked me if I could give up one of my Wednesdays or Fridays, which are my workout days. I told you I could not; that these days are non-negotiable. Your response to me disturbed me, and they disturbed me for the following reasons:

1. These are the only days, barring federal holidays, that I can do a supervised workout with my exercise physiologist. I am beholden to his schedule, and he has specific plans to help me meet my fitness and weight loss goals. This is the time he has set aside for me. I cannot do this on any other day(s). Unless T...’s schedule changes, these are the times I have to work with him.

2. You told me I should “exercise acceptance” about my physique/weight. I have. What I am doing is part of a long-term plan to get back into physical shape and move from obesity to normal weight and fitness levels. I am just a little shy of being 5’4”. I weigh 181 pounds. I am still clinically obese. I have accepted that I need to lose more weight, and when I reach my goal weight, I will adopt a maintenance plan that will keep me from gaining that weight back. I see a registered dietician once a month to keep me on track and to set new goals for me.

So far I have lost 55 pounds. I intend to do more, and have accepted the fact that if I am to meet my goals, I need to keep doing what I am doing and adhere to my workout schedule and diet. All that I ask for is your understanding and support in this matter, and ask that perhaps we can look for some scheduling wiggle room elsewhere. I value our friendship, and hope that we can come up with something that will keep nurturing our relationship."

Good news: she responded immediately, said she understood, and that she supports my efforts. We both found wiggle room in our schedules. We are still friends.

catherj

Honestly and beautifully said. My weight loss and logging "no matter what" is my top priority right now. I have gotten further now than I have in a very long time. What would have sabotaged my efforts before have not this time.

thereshegoesagain

Well done.

LaceyBirds

What a great letter. It would have been so easy to just give an angry response, probably damaging your relationship. This was mature, thoughtful and caring, and your friend responded as a true friend should. Congrats for keeping your head and showing her the importance of what you are doing. We shouldn't have to explain these things, but if people haven't been where we are, they really can't understand how difficult this can be and how important it is to stick to our chosen programs. Best wishes on your further progress.

BleuBerryS

a good way to response, glad your sorted it out.

Diana_GettingFit

What a great response! Way to save your friendship. It would have been all too easy to react in the heat of the moment. You showed great maturity.

Nachise

I must admit, I was pissed off after having that initial conversation with her. That is the kind of thing that can trigger an emotional and eating binge for me. We have been friends for well over 20 years. I realized that she simply could not relate to working through the sort of weight loss as I have. I know she meant well. For her, the biggest weight loss she may have had to deal with is 10 pounds. For me, that is just barely scratching the surface. Sometimes people don't realize how insensitive those "good" intentions can be.

RodaRose

Nachise wrote: »

I must admit, I was pissed off after having that initial conversation with her. That is the kind of thing that can trigger an emotional and eating binge for me. We have been friends for well over 20 years. I realized that she simply could not relate to working through the sort of weight loss as I have. I know she meant well. For her, the biggest weight loss she may have had to deal with is 10 pounds. For me, that is just barely scratching the surface. Sometimes people don't realize how insensitive those "good" intentions can be.

You handled that well.

lapierrecyclist

Thanks for posting this. I think we have all had to deal with saboteurs. There is a reason why the phrase "well-meaning" does not have entirely positive connotations! You handled that in a very honest, forthright, and positive way. Good for you, and good for your friend in responding appropriately to you.