Losing the War

LunaMischief
LunaMischief Posts: 166 Member
in Motivation and Support
Every year I start another battle. It'll begin around summer time, for the past few years now. And each battle has contributed to the war of my losing weight.

I've known I been getting bigger. Slowly, but surely.

But it didn't REALLY hit me until this old picture was posted on Facebook.

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This was taken about April 2008. I was 18, in my senior year of high school. I was hovering around between 96-98lbs.

And I thought. 'OMG.... I look nothing like that now. That confidence I had. It's gone...'

While 96-98lbs may not sound a lot, it was fine on me. I'm only 5'1, with a very petite frame. I didn't hit 100lbs until I was nearly 19, and had spent the whole summer laying around playing video games.

So sometimes this picture works as inspiration. Or I'll think about all the clothes I have that don't fit me right, like they used to.

But it doesn't seem to be enough. I lose hope. The motivation to keep going.

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The graph shows that I was 113lbs last summer, when I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. I had lost about 8-9 lbs then - I had freaked out when I'd hit 120. But I gained it all back, plus more. My highest recorded weight was 132.8, in April 2013. I love MFP's graph feature. But it throws it in my face how much I've gained though.... :ohwell:

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These are pics I took at 131lbs, 4/9/13, age 23. I look pregnant, but I'm really not! :angry: :grumble: All the weight I've gained has gone to my belly, butt, and thighs!

I've done Insanity, I've done Couch to 5K., I've done 30 Day Shred. I've never finished any of those programs. I seem to lose hope and focus.

Am I going to have to go through this every year, this fluxuating of weight? Why should I bother losing it if all I'm going to do is gain it back? My mom loves to point out every time I try to lose weight "It's in your genes. All of the family is overweight." Pretty much always saying, I'm going to get fat no matter what I do, I'm doomed. And then I have a boyfriend who is also overweight, but doesn't really do anything about it. He would rather get me Baconators from Wendy's and candy bars. "You''re beautiful the way you are, I like your butt" (Since I've gained one with the weight lol) Doesn't want me to lose the weight anyway, kinda thing.

i got really really down yesterday morning... I hate getting dressed in the morning, because none of my clothes fit right. My thought has always been "Oh, I can just lose the weight, don't buy any new clothes, I'll fit into these again soon..." But no. None of them fit, I'm not losing any weight. So literally half of my closet, my "skinny clothes", got tossed into a trash bag to be taken to Goodwill. No point in keeping them if I'll never fit into them again, right? But it's still sitting in front of my closet, because more needs to be put into it.

I'm tired of ill-fitting clothes. I'm tired of seeing myself as "fat". I'm tired of having non-existant confidence. I hate feeling like I have to constantly suck in my tummy to give the illusion of 'skinny', to not look pregnant. I'm just not comfortable in my body anymore... And I'm not sure of how I can fix it...

Has anyone else had a problem similar to this??? And how do you get through it? I guess maybe I'm posting this as a self-motivator, to have these pictures all next to each other, in my face to do something about it.

Thanks for listening, folks :flowerforyou:

Replies

  • SimplySabR
    SimplySabR Posts: 48 Member
    I feel your pain. I've been fighting my own semi-annual battle for years now - every since high school I guess.

    I feel different this time, so this time is different. I've always approached things from a place of fear - I don't want to do A B or C because I look like X. And it's kept me from truly living.

    I went out a few weeks ago, and bought myself awesome workout clothes. I picked up a swimsuit that I look pretty fly in - and will look even better as I drop the pounds. I weigh and log and track everything - and I try to look at things from different perspectives.

    Did I blow the day? Well, I'm still running a deficit for the week. Tomorrow is a new day.

    Did I "gain" three pounds since yesterday? Well, my sodium was through the roof, that would definitely contribute...

    It's tiny infinitesimal baby steps, every day, every choice, every meal. And the fortunate thing is, you don't have to do it alone :)

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