Non-weight loss advice needed

I've been having a bit of an issue that I would like to present to strangers to get an unbiased opinion. Here goes...

My husband and I recently got some wonderful news. After a couple of failed attempts due to miscommunication, lost mail, etc., my husband has been accepted to a graduate school program that is perfect for him! It's a bridge program for practicing paramedics, RNs, etc. to become physician assistants (PA). This will mean that my husband will make essentially double what he does now and have much more stable working hours in a career that won't be so hard on his body and advances him greatly in his field.

However, this grad program will cause my husband to split his time between home and the campus which is 4-5 hours away. He will be there for weeks at a time. For example, 5 weeks at home shadowing a preceptor, 3 weeks on campus learning skills, 4 weeks at home, 5 weeks on campus, and so on for 2 years. Because he'll be at home a lot of the time, we aren't moving. But the campus does have a policy that he is not allowed to work while enrolled. We know that this will cause a huge financial strain on us as well as a big strain on our marriage. We will essentially have to take out student loans just to live and pay our mortgage as I don't make enough to cover all the bills.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage. We've been married for about 4 years and together for 8. We have been discussing going to see a marriage counselor before he starts school to discuss strategies of how to get through the grad program in a way that will be healthy for our marriage. Fights happen, we know this, but we don't want to all the tension to build to an unhealthy level. We've brought up seeing a counselor to a couple family members and close friends hoping for recommendations or to see if anyone knows what we could expect. Surprisingly, what we thought was a smart idea for a our marriage is being met with skepticism. We are either hearing that it would be a waste of money, unnecessary, or bad for us. People seem to think that since we have a good, strong marriage, that we shouldn't need counseling.

So after all that here's my question... Are we being silly thinking about going to counseling? Is it a waste of money and time? If any of you have seen a marriage counselor, what was it like? Did it help or did they just state the obvious?

Replies

Khovde07

I should add that the reason I'm posting this very personal quandary to MFP is because this community has always been incredibly supportive and helpful to each other in my experience. I know that I will get honest, helpful advice. So thank you in advance for the honest opinions.

Lovee_Dove7

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

tcunbeliever

If your communication skills are already good, then you might consider setting aside adult time just for the two of you on the crazy-busy schedule. That would give you both the opportunity to address any festering concerns and not have the fees associated with a counselor - as long as you can keep to the schedule and use the time as designated. If your communication skills could use some work, then certainly a counselor can help you work on developing more effective communication. I have never met anyone who said counseling damaged their relationship, and too many who went when it was too late to help. It is smart to be proactive about relationship health, too many relationships end with "we just drifted apart".

mbaker566

A counselor can certainly facilitate communication. And that can help. Just because people think or even you think you have a strong marriage, sometimes help is still needed. Strength is knowing when you need help. screw everyone's meaningless opinions.

VioletRojo

Even strong marriages need help sometimes. Give counseling a try and see if it helps, if it doesn't you just stop going.

tulips_and_tea

No, you aren't silly for considering seeing a counselor and no, it shouldn't be a waste of money. Sounds like you are approaching this drastic change very logically and with your eyes wide open. It IS doable. Many couples go through periods of long-distance relationship management due to work or school or family care, etc. As long as you are both committed to making it work and continue with the open, honest communication then there's a good chance all will turn out well in the end.

My husband worked out of state for almost 2 years when all 3 kids were teenagers and I was home alone with them. Those were not easy years, but they paid off in the long run and probably made us appreciate each other more. Do what you think is best!

EvgeniZyntx

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

According to this there would be not doctors, lawyers or PhDs in America. lol. Education is, to a large extent today in the US, a debt driven business.

OP: Go ahead with the counsellor - as someone that lived and worked long distance for 20 years of marriage, it helped.

LeanButNotMean44

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

According to this there would be not doctors, lawyers or PhDs in America. lol. Education is, to a large extent today in the US, a debt driven business.

^^^Agreed with Evgeni!

OP - I assume you and your husband have done some number crunching and figured out how much the costs will be and how long it will take to pay off the loans. If not, I suggest that you do that ASAP because money is a HUGE reason for many marriages breaking up.

I think it's GREAT that your husband is going to become a PA - with the physician shortage in our country, there is already such a high demand for them and I think the demand will only increase.

Lovee_Dove7

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

According to this there would be not doctors, lawyers or PhDs in America. lol. Education is, to a large extent today in the US, a debt driven business.

My husband is an orthopedic nurse, schooling he obtained while we were having babies, so I'm not opposed to the marriage/family/school scenario.
And I think education wouldn't cease in the absence of debt.

treebek

See if your work has an EAP and go to a few counseling sessions to see if it feels right. Or if you go to church maybe talk to your pastor.

Counseling shouldn't have a negative connotation. It sounds like you just want to keep the car tuned up and the oil changes so it doesn't fall apart. Nothing wrong with a little Preventative Maintenance.

EvgeniZyntx

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

According to this there would be not doctors, lawyers or PhDs in America. lol. Education is, to a large extent today in the US, a debt driven business.

My husband is an orthopedic nurse, schooling he obtained while we were having babies, so I'm not opposed to the marriage/family/school scenario.
And I think education wouldn't cease in the absence of debt.

70% of US students graduate with debt. So while people like you (and me) are part of the 30% - a significant number of people could not complete school without debt.

joinn68

I did my MBA with a few people who were in a couple at the start and not at the end, and others whose relationship survived. Program was short and extremely intense and life-changing so it was very difficult for couples who lived apart for the duration of the program
If you have the opportunity to discuss with other couples who've gone through similar situations (military wives come to mind), it might give you some ideas on how to handle things or at least some support for those two years. That's on top of seeing counselor or discussing with husband. In any case, it WILL be stressful and tense and two years is a long time. If you have other things to keep you busy so that you don't resent his absence, but just make sure you don't grow apart

deanadimples

I have used a counselor for many times in my life and not for "marriage" purposes. If you find the right one they are a great sounding board for how to deal with certain situations that life brings you. I've gotten great advice for dealing with my daughter when she was oppositional defiant that I have used in other aspects of life. Friends are great but sometimes you need that outside unbiased person.

You don't have to have "problems" in your marriage to see one. If anything it could become stronger as you go thru something like your situation. They will help you both understand the pressure the other one is going thru which will make the time easier for you both. And you will both need support.

As for the "don't go to school" advice. Don't take that advice. If this is your husbands passion he should pursue it. My friend quit his full time management job to be an EMT and is now testing for paramedic. He too plans on goin on to PA and he's 48. He loves his work. When you love your work you are fulfilled. When you are fulfilled you are a better husband, wife etc...

My daughter is 22 raising a 2 yr old, working as an EMT going they paramedic school herself. She had 3 hrs of sleep before clinicals yesterday and still managed to say she loves her career path. That's when you have found your calling. It's worth a few years of inconvenience.

Khovde07

LeanButNotMean44 wrote: »

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

Lovee_Dove7 wrote: »

Married 18 years, mom to 5.
Don't do the school. Reason: debt. Don't go into debt for ANYTHING. Other opportunities will come along that will support your relationship. Relationships are precious, and the most important thing. Don't grab onto this as though you're missing out on a lifetime opportunity if you don't take it....this isn't IT. Prioritize your relationship, build yourselves on a foundation that is not DEBT. Counseling? If you can afford it, but don't use a credit card to make it possible. Work together, plan together build together, stay together.

According to this there would be not doctors, lawyers or PhDs in America. lol. Education is, to a large extent today in the US, a debt driven business.

^^^Agreed with Evgeni!

OP - I assume you and your husband have done some number crunching and figured out how much the costs will be and how long it will take to pay off the loans. If not, I suggest that you do that ASAP because money is a HUGE reason for many marriages breaking up.

I think it's GREAT that your husband is going to become a PA - with the physician shortage in our country, there is already such a high demand for them and I think the demand will only increase.

I agree as well.

We have done some number crunching to figure out just how much money we will need to take out in loans to survive. Obviously how long it will take to pay off will depend on the interest rate we get, what, if any financial aid we receive, and how much he makes after he gets a job. But all in all, we think we can get him through school (if we got no financial aid and only went off of loans) for about 75K. The tuition is around 37K.

The shortage is one of the reasons we're doing this. Hubby peaked at his company when he was 27. The only way up as a paramedic is to be an administrator which he isn't interested in. So, PA school it is!

Lovee_Dove7

"don't go to school" was not the advice, but rather, that this is not the only opportunity to do so. Just clarifying!

Khovde07

deanadimples wrote: »

I have used a counselor for many times in my life and not for "marriage" purposes. If you find the right one they are a great sounding board for how to deal with certain situations that life brings you. I've gotten great advice for dealing with my daughter when she was oppositional defiant that I have used in other aspects of life. Friends are great but sometimes you need that outside unbiased person.

You don't have to have "problems" in your marriage to see one. If anything it could become stronger as you go thru something like your situation. They will help you both understand the pressure the other one is going thru which will make the time easier for you both. And you will both need support.

As for the "don't go to school" advice. Don't take that advice. If this is your husbands passion he should pursue it. My friend quit his full time management job to be an EMT and is now testing for paramedic. He too plans on goin on to PA and he's 48. He loves his work. When you love your work you are fulfilled. When you are fulfilled you are a better husband, wife etc...

My daughter is 22 raising a 2 yr old, working as an EMT going they paramedic school herself. She had 3 hrs of sleep before clinicals yesterday and still managed to say she loves her career path. That's when you have found your calling. It's worth a few years of inconvenience.

Thank you for this. My husband absolutely loves his work as a paramedic, but realizes that there's so much more he can do. That's what's driving him. Good luck to your daughter! My husband and I were just dating when he was going through medic school and that was one of the hardest times in our relationship with how little we got to see each other (that's part of why we want to be prepared this time around). Medic school is very, very intense and difficult but so fulfilling when you get through it.