How to deal with someone who's more than just unsupportive?
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brenn24179 wrote: »is your friend big? probably not. I have a friend I work with who is always trying to send me food home, she loves cooking and I don't think she is mean, she just doesn't get it, doesn't have a weight problem. She also has a supportive family and expects me to be around my family like she likes being around hers, there again she doesn't get it. We have other stuff in common but this stuff is best just not to talk about around her.
She weighs about 20 lbs more than I do (I'm currently at ~160) and an inch or two shorter than me. So no, she's not big. You bring up a very valid point though, she isn't a very healthy eater. She routinely has more than one doughnut a day, no judgement from me - even before working on my weight, I couldn't eat like that I'd have such a stomach ache. She openly says she uses food to deal with stress and that when the semester is over, she'll lay off the doughnuts. I think it is similar to your example, its a lifestyle thing. She probably just likes sweets, where as I don't enjoy when I eat badly, I just mindlessly do it.0 -
brenn24179 wrote: »is your friend big? probably not. I have a friend I work with who is always trying to send me food home, she loves cooking and I don't think she is mean, she just doesn't get it, doesn't have a weight problem. She also has a supportive family and expects me to be around my family like she likes being around hers, there again she doesn't get it. We have other stuff in common but this stuff is best just not to talk about around her.
She weighs about 20 lbs more than I do (I'm currently at ~160) and an inch or two shorter than me. So no, she's not big. You bring up a very valid point though, she isn't a very healthy eater. She routinely has more than one doughnut a day, no judgement from me - even before working on my weight, I couldn't eat like that I'd have such a stomach ache. She openly says she uses food to deal with stress and that when the semester is over, she'll lay off the doughnuts. I think it is similar to your example, its a lifestyle thing. She probably just likes sweets, where as I don't enjoy when I eat badly, I just mindlessly do it.
I'd have to say I at least partially agree with the poster that says not everyone has a ton of calories to work with. At the very minimum you shouldn't have to waste calories on things you don't really want!!!0 -
annette_15 wrote: »rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
No offence, but its a lot easier for men to work in a reasonable portion of pancakes, brownies and cookies than it is for us girls without having to go hungry for parts of the day (and I get hangry, so thats not really an option lol).
That's not a universal truth. Not all women cut their calories to a low enough level where having a cookie or brownie here or there makes diet adherence difficult or less easy than it is for a man. Doing that is a personal choice, not a requirement, to lose weight.
I dont do it by choice. I'm in maintenance, I'm 5'1 and weigh 110 pounds. I'm not able to be very active right now as Im dealing with a leg injury, so my TDEE is around 1400-1600. Thats just the way it is right now, and I cant afford to just 'work whatever I want' into my day. I know this is the fact for a lot of people0 -
@kelsquast
IF...your doctor had told you that you were pre-diabetic and you NEEDED to change the way you eat, would your friend be supportive? Would she understand, and possibly not make so many food-related suggestions to you?0 -
@64crayons that I don't know. Which I feel like I should. I can say about other people they'd be supportive 100%. There are people who are more than supportive now, my dad for example has changed the way he eats when I'm able to see him so that we're able to share a meal together. I of course don't expect him to do that but he does!
If I was extremely overweight and it was affecting my health, I'd like to say she would be supportive.0 -
This might sound cold, but I am a pragmatic person. Unless someone is literally force feeding you, their support is inconsequential. Who's life is it? You make your choices and there is really no need to include anyone else in them. The idea and concept of support is nice but when there is none you will find it character building. Good luck with your goals!0
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annette_15 wrote: »annette_15 wrote: »rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
No offence, but its a lot easier for men to work in a reasonable portion of pancakes, brownies and cookies than it is for us girls without having to go hungry for parts of the day (and I get hangry, so thats not really an option lol).
That's not a universal truth. Not all women cut their calories to a low enough level where having a cookie or brownie here or there makes diet adherence difficult or less easy than it is for a man. Doing that is a personal choice, not a requirement, to lose weight.
I dont do it by choice. I'm in maintenance, I'm 5'1 and weigh 110 pounds. I'm not able to be very active right now as Im dealing with a leg injury, so my TDEE is around 1400-1600. Thats just the way it is right now, and I cant afford to just 'work whatever I want' into my day. I know this is the fact for a lot of people
Side note: I am totally with you. At 4'11 and close to goal I simply don't have a lot of wiggle room. I will make room for somethings I really want, but not something my friend wants!!
Plus, Op isn't focusing on just weight loss. She is trying to eat healthier and likes how much better it makes her feel. Perhaps brownies and pancakes don't make her feel good.0 -
OP I remember college days and can see how everything revolves around eating and drinking. I agree with being proactive. Before she even suggests something you can suggest your own activity. Are you a senior ? Come up with goofy things like a scavenger hunt or you have to go to each building and take a picture. Silly stuff to remember your carefree days. Soon you'll both be working all day and won't have time to do those sporadic things.0
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One thing, one very simple thing usually gets overlooked in these kinds of threads: an honest conversation. You would be surprised how well words work sometimes, but it highly depends on your friend and her personality.
Up until now she has been in the sidelines, not only have you excluded yourself from the times that are fun to her (love the ski example) but you also excluded her from what is happening with you. It's like you are doing "your health kick" and she is just an outsider watching it happen.
Just share with her why you want to lose weight, how the extra weight is making you feel, the challenges you are facing, the things you wish you could do.. etc. Ask for her opinion about some of your challenges and if she has any ideas to help you, but without pressuring her into joining you. Be very explicit that you love your time together and wouldn't replace it for the word, and that this "health kick" is not meant to put an end to it or make things less fun, it's just meant to make you feel better. Have a brainstorming session on things to do besides things that involve food and make it abundantly clear that there will still be plenty of food-related things, but that it would be interesting to explore new activities on the side. The trick is to include her without pressuring her. Ask her sincerely if what you are doing causing her to feel uneasy, and listen to her answer, then ask her what would be a good middle ground for both of you to be happy. Who knows, she might suggest something you never thought of that actually works.0 -
annette_15 wrote: »rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
No offence, but its a lot easier for men to work in a reasonable portion of pancakes, brownies and cookies than it is for us girls without having to go hungry for parts of the day (and I get hangry, so thats not really an option lol).
That's not a universal truth. Not all women cut their calories to a low enough level where having a cookie or brownie here or there makes diet adherence difficult or less easy than it is for a man. Doing that is a personal choice, not a requirement, to lose weight.
So true! I have been losing on 16-1800cal I have never skipped a friend gathering. I occasionally get called names all in good fun but rarely turn down food. I just make it fit. When gifted a plate(platter really, it is huge) of Christmas goodies last night I was the first to start sampling. We can do this! We can do it while having fun with friends. The best part is, 90% of the time we don't have them by our side so that is when we can make the daily choices that allow the "friend time" choices that don't have to happen daily.
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I've had a few dynamic, interesting friends in the past but looking back, some of them picked me up as an "extra", perceiving me as "second string". That is, they dazzled even more when I was in their shadow. I am easygoing so people can confuse that with "pushover". Sometimes these sorts of friends don't want the dynamic threatened in any way.
I suggest you broaden your friendship base including new people with a wide variety of interests and perspectives. Maybe attend some meetups in areas that interest you. Just in case this friendship becomes a little less special.0 -
Understand that the "way" you guys were before (eating out with no issues) was a habitual behavior. You're currently changing yours and she's not, but your change seems to affect her.
This is not UNCOMMON to happen with just about anyone looking to change their lifestyle. I had it happen to me and friends who just weren't that into what I did at the gym daily and how I ate, ended up hanging out with me less and less. It's part of life. You make new ones and may or may not keep the old ones.
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amusedmonkey wrote: »One thing, one very simple thing usually gets overlooked in these kinds of threads: an honest conversation. You would be surprised how well words work sometimes, but it highly depends on your friend and her personality.
Up until now she has been in the sidelines, not only have you excluded yourself from the times that are fun to her (love the ski example) but you also excluded her from what is happening with you. It's like you are doing "your health kick" and she is just an outsider watching it happen.
Just share with her why you want to lose weight, how the extra weight is making you feel, the challenges you are facing, the things you wish you could do.. etc. Ask for her opinion about some of your challenges and if she has any ideas to help you, but without pressuring her into joining you. Be very explicit that you love your time together and wouldn't replace it for the word, and that this "health kick" is not meant to put an end to it or make things less fun, it's just meant to make you feel better. Have a brainstorming session on things to do besides things that involve food and make it abundantly clear that there will still be plenty of food-related things, but that it would be interesting to explore new activities on the side. The trick is to include her without pressuring her. Ask her sincerely if what you are doing causing her to feel uneasy, and listen to her answer, then ask her what would be a good middle ground for both of you to be happy. Who knows, she might suggest something you never thought of that actually works.
THIS. I definitely think a conversation could most likely be the answer. However, at the time I felt really defensive, and I must admit I have a bit of a short temper so didn't want to get into it then and there. I was also having trouble with how to approach this. I think you hit the nail on the head, I honestly think I'm just going to use that last paragraph there as like an outline for the conversation. I think 99% of the difficulty she's having with all of this comes from her just watching these changes happen from the outside - not really that she's jealous per se. Thanks for your reply!0 -
The truth hurts...0
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rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
Not sure, but this sounds like a friendship in which food isn't just an occasional thing but pretty central. I have a friend - grew up with, have seen occasionally since adulthood. Back then it was about pizza (and we burned it off with bike riding and swimming and whatever) but even now, food is like a third member of the friendship, like it's significant. "Ok, I found this cheese you have to try" "Awesome, I'll bring this kick-*kitten* chutney" or "Ok what do you think about lamb burgers for dinner" "YES! let's get the great yogurt from that store for the tzatziki" and this sort of thing goes on for most of the day, because there are multiple meals to get excited about. (Obviously, this is during a visit, when we've booked time off.) It's like a hobby for some people. I love my friend, and I don't regret a meal I've had with her, but we would be HUGE if we lived in the same city.
Actually this sounds very similar, haha0 -
My husband has developed a ton of food allergies over the past decade. No more pizza, bagels, eating out (he can eat rice and veggies and salmon), no more trying out our favorite pastries at the new pastry store or the new coffee shop to check out their scrambled eggs. It's been a major change for us, and we lost a very fun part of our relationship. We've tried to replace it with other things. But nothing is as good as the good old days. Try to figure out a way to have a half a brownie or small portion of "her" food. It's the trying of new foods that's fun. If you can limit the quantity, you might find a way to keep engaged with lots of friends and family in the common realm of food. We're all working on moderation, for those times when those trigger foods enter our house or lives.0
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