Need help with damage done :-(

BCSMama

I haven't been on in awhile because I've been trying to deal with some of my issues on my own. I'm here now to see if anyone can help or share a similar experience and to serve as a warning to anyone else who may be headed down the same path. Sorry it's so long, I just really needed to get this off my chest.

I started my journey a little over a year ago. I had just given birth as a surrogate and was eager to get in shape. I began exercising regularly and restricting my calories. I soon found myself exercising more and eating less. I enjoyed the rapid weight loss I was experiencing and could see results and felt/looked stronger. Once I reached my goal weight of 150 (I'm 5'10"), I decided to keep going a little more. At about 145, I decided it was time for maintenance. Easy, I thought; boy was I wrong.

I became very anxious about upping calories. I decided to do so very very slowly and continue to exercise more. I signed up for a couple of races and began running a lot, but wasn't increasing my calories to compensate. My weight continued to drop, but I still felt good and strong. I got down to about 135 and people started to comment that I should stop loosing weight. I'd brush them off by saying "Oh, I'm not trying to loose weight". Technically, I wasn't, but I knew I wasn't upping my calories enough. For some reason, I couldn't get past the anxiety.

I continued what I was doing and dropped to around 128. At this point, I realize I look bad. Here I thought if I lost enough weight, I'd be happy with my body, but I wasn't. I had been lifting heavy too because I read it would keep you from looking "skinny fat". Well, at this point, I just looked skinny. I also became concerned that at this point it had been close to a year after giving birth and I hadn't had a period. Then, things started to get worse.

I was exercising so much and not eating enough during the week and would find myself binging on the weekends. In my mind, I was just making up for the deficit during the week and it was a good thing. However, the day after my binges, my stomach would hurt so bad and I'd have to deal with diarrhea and severe pain. At first, I thought it was just a fluke, a stomach bug or too much greasy food. I could still do what I was doing, I thought, just binge on "healthy" food. I was also quickly becoming obsessed with food and calories and macros and worried over everything I ate. Was this the best choice? Did it fit my macros? Was I getting enough variety in my diet? Is this a healthy fat? Is this too much protein in one meal? etc.

Well, the pain following the binges has gotten worse. This past weekend was the worst ever and has been a real eye opener for me. Before, the pain and diarrhea would only last a day or 2 at most and was tolerable. This time, not so much. It's Thursday and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. I missed a day of work. My poor husband is really worried about my health. I am now down to 123 and with all the stomach issues over the last few days, I know I'm not getting adequate nutrition despite really trying to. I'm really afraid I've done some real damage and am not sure what to do.

I have made a doctors appointment, but it's not for another 3 weeks; although if things don't improve over the next few days, I will make an appointment for a sick visit rather than a general physical.

I am also reaching out here to see if anyone has experienced something similar and would be willing to share. Until I can see the doctor, I'm trying to eat several small meals of what I believe are easy to digest foods with as many calories as possible. I'm not logging because I think it was contributing to my unhealthy obsession with food, so am trying to listen to my body this week and see how that goes.

I'm trying not to get too down on myself, but I am disappointed in myself. I'm 35 years old and know better. I have been setting a horrible example for my 8 and 9 year old children and have likely done some real damage to myself. I don't know how I let things get this bad.

jilly1130

First off, don't get down on yourself! You really need to focus on feeling good about yourself in order to do the things you need to do to make your situation better. I think you should congratulate yourself for your accomplishment in losing the weight and exercising at the level you are. That is awesome and I think you can still exercise consistently while maintaining a good and healthy level of food consumption.

In my humble opinion, I think you need to start increasing your calories slowly by adding some high fat, nutrient dense foods like peanut butter, almond butter, avacados, nuts (these are great -- 1 ounce - which isn't a lot - have 160 calories). You can really increase your calorie intake with some great tasting and healthy foods. There are some healthy protein bars out there that can be 200 calories per bar. You will be surprised at how fast the calories will add up.

I know you are trying to stay away from logging calories but you may want to use this great MFP tool to track how well you increase your calories. Have you figured out your TDEE -- this will tell you how many calories you should be consuming to maintain your weight. In your case you would want to increase that amount -- not sure how much -- 20 - 30% (just a guess, maybe someone else can be more specific). Once you have gained the weight you need to gain, you will then have a specific idea of how many calories you should eat to maintain your new healthy weight. I guess my point is that you can use MFP calorie counter as a real tool to help you increase your calorie intake in a healthy and specific way and this may help you to have a healthier relationship with food and the calories your body really needs.

So, set some attainable goals for yourself -- maybe this week shoot for increasing your calories by 200-300 calories a day and increase from there next week. This should help you to not binge on the weekends. Hope this helps and I wish you all of the best in getting to that healthy weight soon!!!

allshebe

I'm not a doctor, so don't take this as medical advice (and definitely keep your doctor appointment). I think you need to start "refeeding" yourself, but you need to do it "somewhat" slowly - same as if you were just released from a concentration camp. I would start with multiple small meals of generally "easy" foods - rice, a fruit that you like and you find digests well (bananas are frequently a good choice), "mild vegetables" (maybe peas and or green beans) and an "easy" protein, such as fish or chicken. Do not eat to "capacity" - maybe 1 cup total servings or thereabouts to begin, gradually increasing if your "insides" tolerate it. Gradually try "new" foods until you are back to a full diet. Might be better to use something like the diabetic exchange system for the time being to avoid your "issues" with calories. You should probably feel like you are eating "all the time".

LJP1982

First of all, it's wonderful that you've recognize that you have a problem and you're willing to deal with it. Have you considered going to talk to a nutritionist to help you set up a good and realistic food plan?

BCSMama

I did try talking to a nutritionist who is a fitness instructor of one of the classes I take and she basically just said to see a Registered Dietician or a doctor. I figure since I have the doctors appointment, I'll start with him.

I may at some point go back to logging my food intake, but needed a small break. I tend to have an obsessive personality and realized that logging everything was contributing to my food obsession. It is a wonderful tool though that hopefully I can come to use to my benefit.

bcattoes

I would contact the doctor and change to a sick visit. You really need to see a medical professional.