I don't know what to do anymore

purelyfe

Hi everyone,

I'm literally on the verge of tears, because I don't know what to do anymore. I have the most messed up relationship with food than anyone that I know.

I lost 20 pounds one summer about 3 years ago through calorie counting, and I kept it off. Last year, I started taking an antidepressant called Wellbutrin, and I lost an additional 30 pounds through calorie counting, Wellbutrin, and becoming a vegan. Unfortunately, it stopped working for my depression, and I stopped taking it. I gained some weight then stopped being a vegan and started binge eating and I gained some more weight. As of now, I gained back 26 pounds, and I am devastated.

I stopped counting calories, because it's developed into a MAJOR issue for me. Even when I have a lot of calories left for the day, I still get anxious. I get anxious about calories first thing in the morning even though I have a full days worth of calories at my disposal. I freak out if I don't know how many calories something has in it. I freak out if I ate over my calories. I freak out if I eat under my calories. I've tried not counting calories, but I freak out because I don't know how much food I'm consuming! What if I'm eating way too much, and I won't lose any weight? I want to be in tune with my body and eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, but I get nervous, because I don't know how much I'm eating.

I tried being a vegan again, but I couldn't stick with it. I've read Brain Over Binge and How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too, I went to two different therapists, a psychologist, but nothing is working. The books gave me great insight, but I just can't seem to implement what they say. I went to a psychiatrist for medication, but I'm reluctant to take the Prozac she prescribed me, because of feared weight gain. I was on Lexapro before, and I gained weight. The Wellbutrin worked fine at first and helped me lose weight, but I realized that it was the reason for my hair falling out! I'm scared to take anymore meds, because of these adverse side effects, but I need help.

I can't stop thinking about food. When I have other things to worry about, I realize that I eat less, but for the most part, one I realize that I'm distracted, my mind goes right back to thinking about food. The worst part is that I eat food that I don't even like, because of some dumb fear of never being able to eat it again.

To make matters worse, I've been putting off taking my LSAT for about 2 years, and I need to take the test to start my life. I get a panic attack every time I go to sit down to study for the test, and I can't take it anymore. I'm having issues at home, and I want to leave, but I won't be able to save money if I leave, and I probably won't be able to afford to be on my own anyway. I have no one to move in with, and I don't want to live with a complete stranger.

I don't know what to do. I'm a depressed and anxious mess. Should I just try the Prozac even if it makes me fat? I feel stuck, numb, and like nothing is helping. I'm sorry if this is a bit incoherent and if my paragraphs seem randomly placed.

Any advice?

juggernaut1974

I know you said you've been to therapists in the past, but honestly, there is nothing anyone over the internet can tell you to help with such a wide range of issues. I do wish you the best, and hope you can find some peace, but the best piece of advice I can give you now is to go back to a professional (a different one if you aren't satisfied with the prior ones) to help you through all of this.

malibu927

You should speak to the person helping with your mental health about this

techieflowerchild

It is important for you to get professional help. If one pill doesn't work tell your doc and get on something else.

callsitlikeiseeit

You need professional help. its okay to seek it out.

PhoenyxRose

As others have said, go and get professional help. It seems like you really need address your anxiety first before you can get a handle on your weight.

purelyfe

juggernaut1974 wrote: »

I know you said you've been to therapists in the past, but honestly, there is nothing anyone over the internet can tell you to help with such a wide range of issues. I do wish you the best, and hope you can find some peace, but the best piece of advice I can give you now is to go back to a professional (a different one if you aren't satisfied with the prior ones) to help you through all of this.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think that you're right, and I even thought something similar as I was writing this, but I figured I'd give it a try anyway.

I'm going to call my doctor right away.

Thanks again!

ilex70

Agree re:professional help.

If you are looking for a different way to get better balance/control over your food in the meantime you might benefit from a portion per food type plan. Old school WW and the original diabetic diet were like this, X servings of dairy, Y serving of meat, and so on.

A current one I just happen to know of is the 21 Day Fix. Not endorsing it and haven't used it, just happen to be aware that instead of counting calories you get portion containers for each food group - smaller containers for fats, largest for veggies, etc. If you check YouTube I believe there is/was some info on doing the program on your own...containers you can get without purchasing a program.

Most people have to try a few different anti depressants to get relief. This is a helpful article on judging if a medication is working for you, or if you may need to make a change.

everydayhealth.com/depression/signs-your-antidepressant-isnt-working.aspx

purelyfe

Hi, everyone!

I've read through all of your replies, and I would like to thank all of you. I realize that I've got bigger issues than my weight, but I always just assumed that if I got my weight under control and I was able to control my eating then that would fix other areas of my life, but that may not be the case.

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I'm just going to go ahead and get medication.

You're all awesome, and I am so grateful for this community!

I wish you all luck on your respective journeys!

bologna111

I know everyone reacts different to medication but I want to give you some hope that Prozac may work for you. I have been taking Prozac for the past 5 years with no side effects or weight gain.

leanne0627

Once you get your anxiety under control you will be able to tackle your weight. For now you may just want to try and eat healthy and exercise but not worry about the weight until you get the rest under control. Throw away your scale or hide it if you have too. It sounds as though you have ocd tendencies with food and calories which can br a struggle but its fixable. Once you find a good doctor and the right medication you will feel so much better. Good luck to you!

LivingtheLeanDream

most of us wont be qualified in any way to help you - you need to seek professional advice

skyedogz

I came across your post as also contemplating antidepressants yet worried about weight gain. Really hope you have found the right path by now.

sllm1

I agree that you will need to get your anxiety under control before dealing with any weight/eating issues. I would try the Prozac and keep in touch with your doctor about how it's working.

sllm1

I will also add that my husband began taking Prozac a couple of years ago and has had no changes in weight. He doesn't pay any attention to his diet and has remained at a steady weight.

Duchy82

Take the prozac, to reassure you, my sister has been on prozac for years and hasn't gained weight because of taking them. They have on the other hand greatly helped with her anxiety and depression (she also has had anxiety around food, calories and weightloss/weightgain).

Also go and see a therapist/psychologist and if you haven't found one you like try and look for another, I get the impression that it is very much trial and error finding a therapist that is a good match with the patient (my sister is on psychologist no 4 or 5 I think and she says her current one is really good).

Focus on your mental health first and the physical health will naturally follow.

Need2Exerc1se

juggernaut1974 wrote: »

I know you said you've been to therapists in the past, but honestly, there is nothing anyone over the internet can tell you to help with such a wide range of issues. I do wish you the best, and hope you can find some peace, but the best piece of advice I can give you now is to go back to a professional (a different one if you aren't satisfied with the prior ones) to help you through all of this.

So much this. If not a professional at least a support group like overeaters anonymous

cerise_noir

I agree with all that say yes to the prozac. The prozac itself doesn't cause weight gain but may increase your wanting to snack. A nice brisk walk and plenty of water helps control the snacking urges. Keep to your calories, see your doctor, and good luck!

sanfromny

Forgive me because i'm only going based on the information you provided. But, it sounds like most of the weight loss came through relying on medications. Once the meds were gone so was your desire? I know you mentioned calorie counting also but what you didn't mention was exercise. One thing I was told in the past is that physical and mental fitness go hand in hand. Working out allows you time to yourself where you are in tune with your body and your thoughts. The release of endorphins from working out also help improve mood. Mental health is no joke though.

There was a time I used to make a box of mac and cheese sit in the bed and eat the entire thing. Not for any reason but because it was there and it felt warm and comforting inside. I know things like that sound crazy to most but it was true. Sweetness is associated with happiness so I'd have sweet things all the time. Mmmm, taste so, good. so sweet, so...yeah I'm full but there's just one more. I don't want to just eat one later so let me eat it now...Made all the sense in the world to me. It's still a struggle but now it's manageable.

Water means purity and cleansing so I drink water to cleanse myself, again both physically and mentally. And i am blogging about my struggle with drinking enough so I'm not saying I'm perfect now. And I spoke when I'm frustrated or see people on tv smoking it makes me think oh yeah I should light up too. It's a struggle.

Bottom line, small changes and day by day

Babcakes

Thank you for your post. I use to binge eat as well. Food was my drug of choice. I learned to take one day at a time. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

tara_means_star

Everything others have said about seeking Therapy, please do. Getting your weight down is unlikely to fix the kind of depression and anxiety you are describing. If it helps, know that no medication is going to directly cause weight gain you have no control over. Usually, if they effect your weight, its because they increase your appetite and you eat more. You still have control over it but to be honest, your mental health is the most urgent and important issue. Weight loss, while important for health, isn't going to do you any good if you remain this anxious and depressed.