I want to be happy with myself now.

mkwalk

So I'm a week in again, and I'm tracking like a maniac. Every vegetable, every drink, every smidgen of a piece of food gets tracked. I've been riding my bike everywhere, I've started doing exercise videos, I am on my way to being better.

I still feel terrible about myself. Moreso now than when I wasn't focusing on it. I see every inch of myself that I don't want there, every flaw, everything that isn't the way I want it. I can't help but obsess. MFP makes me very obsessive and singleminded, which is good and bad. If I stick with it, and I can do that - this week hasn't been hellacious in terms of diet, and I've been within my calorie range every day - I will lose weight.

I can't keep myself from reading the forums and berating myself for having that one carbohydrate, worrying that I'm eating too much to lose at any decent pace, worrying that I'm eating too little and I will slow down my metabolism, worrying that my macros are completely wrong, worrying that somehow I'll manage to gain weight and this will all be for naught.

I hate where I am. I feel repulsive. I'm tempted to not go out, to focus entirely on health until I lose 60 pounds at least. I'm distancing myself from my amazing friends. I'm getting this hollow, determined satisfaction from doing this perfectly, at least as close to perfect as I can get it. I desperately want to feel good, pretty, desirable. Objectively, I know that I am more than my weight. I am funny, smart, creative, eclectic, and athletic (no really, I can run 3 miles and ride my bike forever). I can't see that anymore though, all I see is someone too physically flawed to be taken seriously.

I've seen girls larger than I am and girls significantly more out of shape than I am, and I can find beauty in them. I justify it by saying that they carry it better, that they are shorter and therefore less gigantic overall, that they are so confident and lovely that their personality shows through regardless of the situation.

Has anyone had luck just taking a break from life and focusing 100% on health? Did your mindset change as you got smaller? Has anyone dealt with these feelings of inadequacy and undeservedness? How did you change the way you thought?

anemoneprose

Understood, suggestions:

- you need to trust the nutrition & fitness programs you're on. get feedback you value, settle on them, live with it for a few weeks - do not second guess. log food though. otherwise, stay away from forums

- schedule a weekly weigh-in, evaluate / get feedback *at that time* only (& remember week to week will not show results asap always, weight loss isn't linear - this should be a time to evaluate hunger levels, fitness progress, fatigue, victories, and just note the *temporary* measurements)

- focus on your workouts, & aesthetic qualities of your meals (make them so). forget aesthetic goals for now. progress/process only

- 'decent pace': suggest forgetting about time pressure, & focusing instead on sustainability. i.e., a modest calorie deficit. sounds like you want to get things going. forget it, trust the process! will make things easier/you happier for the duration

- dress to your best advantage - take pleasure in yourself as you are now.