How do I work out for me and not him?

princessorchid

Hiya, I've come to this thread a little late and there's not much I can add that others haven't already said but -

If you're not motivated for yourself you're not going to stick with it, trust me it's the same for anything. I gained a lot of weight over the past year (some of it may have been down to going on the Pill, but definitely some of the blame falls on my shoulders as I stopped exercising regularly and started cooking big eleaborate meals for two instead of just for myself - portion control on a roast joint of meat has always been a bit of a grey area for me!).

Anyways, I got so unhealthy and gained so much weight (about 30lbs in 6 months) I was wheezing all the time, I could barely walk to the shops round the corner from my house without getting really short of breath. I was properly UNFIT, and I hated doing any exercise because it just reminded me how damned unfit I was!

Well, my boyfriend expressed concern. BUT he never said he found me unattractive. Even though I've only lost 6 of those pounds of what I affectionately call "holiday weight" he still says he's NEVER found me unattractive, and wishes I didn't have to go to work so early in the mornings because he misses waking up next to me and that he especially misses the morning sex
;-).

You know what he was concerned about? he saw me getting unhealthy and short of breath, and it upset him and made him sad because he said he wants us to spend a long time together...and because I was so unhealthy he was worried I wouldn't be around for as long. One day we were sprawled in bed just watching telly and he put his head on my chest - and I started wheezing and breathing funny because I was that unhealthy - and he was so upset he had to leave the room.

So yeah, if your husband were concerned about your weight because it was getting to be a health issue, then fair play to him. But telling you he no longer finds you attractive because you've got a bit of baby weight? What a ****!

TropicalKitty

I'm not going to really touch on what your husband said, as you've already acknowledged you guys are having issues.

So, since you are even asking this question, I'm thinking you aren't even in the mode to want to lose weight. From what you've said I'm getting that you don't even have respect for yourself right now. Be it from the hormone changes post-birth or the stresses of a bad marriage, it doesn't matter. Until you are ok enough to be in the frame of mind to honestly want it for yourself, it won't happen. So many things go into why we weigh what we do, that simply working out or eating healthy isn't going to make it better. You have to feed the whole you! And that means getting your mind to be ok too. Right this minute may not be the time for you to go after the weight loss. Maybe you need a couple months in counseling and settling in with the baby before you can undertake another thing.

You just had a gorgeous baby, so if you are able to breast feed, the nice thing is that you do burn more calories per day. That can help a bit. And if you can walk around, take the mini-you for a stroll (when it's not too hot out of course!). Little things like that can help to bring out the endorphins and eventually get your mind in a better place too. I've seen stories on the news in the past where women meet at the mall with their strollers for a work out. Get out in the sun some, that's a natural feel good. Look for things that will bring out a happier you, even if it isn't necessarily health related - it may get you on the path.

Good luck!

mrsyatesy

I am a little late to the party on this one, but my very brief thoughts are:
Remember a time when you felt good about yourself, when you got dressed and thought "yeah, this is a good look!" and had a little swagger in your step, well that's the feeling you need to aim for, because it sounds like you're going to need all that inner strength and confidence to do this.
I applaud you for fighting for your marriage, I hope he is fighting for it to. Numbers alone don't make happy people, not scale numbers, not bank numbers and not age!
Good luck - find a fantastic class or get some great DVDs and do it for the enjoyment and health benefits for you and your body and your baby, don't do it to achieve someone else's goal.
:flowerforyou:

elmct57

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
well to answer the question, every day is a new day and brings a new opportunity. during bad times (i also miscarried), i took it day by day. sometimes 5 minutes at a time...but i made it. and you will too.

so small steps at first, and also reflect on what you like to do. walking, jogging, swimming. reward yourself for small goals--like you made it out to exercise every other day this week or whatever the routine you chose is. i go to the local farmer's market on saturday mornings. it's free, local bands play and the produce is cheap. nice break.

i play my favorite music, go to the library, the local pool. some of our churches do noontime concerts that are free a couple times a month. it will take patience, determination (or stubbornness) and an entrenched optimism and belief in yourself--from my experience anyway. wishing you all the best on your new journey.

beutiful5678

first off, this must be a very difficult time for you – no wonder you are having troubles! It hurts when other people express dissatisfaction with something as personal and intimate as physical appearance. i took a class in college were we wrote a lot about bodies and body image. with so many expectations and high standards of beauty it is no wonder so many women have problems. (i’m sure many men do too – just more closeted.) right now i’m sure much of your lack of motivation to exercise has much to do with a lack of self-esteem (which i’m sure has plummeted through the floor – and reasonably so).

never having been fully satisfied with my physical appearance i have a multitude of suggestions for you – don’t get overwhelmed. just take them one at a time and feel free to pick and choose as you wish.

1) find an exercise you like. if you don’t like doing it, you won’t keep doing it. try new things – think of it as “exploring” rather than “working.” go hiking and explore a new trail. walk down a new street. take a mom and baby yoga class. try a spinning class. get some new exercise dvds. let these “explorations” trickle into your eating habits too. try a new fruit. find a new recipe. pair two unexpected foods together.

2) look at yourself in the mirror each day and tell yourself you are worth it. talk to yourself positively (i know this sounds kind of weird…) block out the negative thoughts. write it down if you feel it would help you. think of it as your “anthem.” my “anthem” would go something like this (in various, abbreviated forms depending on my needs and emotions):

“you are beautiful, smart, svelte, caring and impassioned. you have long sexy legs, beautiful hair, deep brown eyes and strong arms.

your strong body and zeal for new things have lead you to do many fun and exciting things. your body is the medium through which you experience life. you have climbed mountains, run a half-marathon, biked 10 miles, camped primitively, white-water rafted, obtained an education, worked hard at many jobs, made many friends, kissed passionately and many other things. you will continue to do many things with this body with which you have been blessed.

your body is a gift from God. it is more than a mere object to be molded and formed as you wish. it is more than a medium through which you can meet others standards of “attractiveness.” you are a steward over your body. your body is incredibly resilient if treated with care. feed it with healthy, nutrient-rich food. get adequate sleep. exercise with passion.

your body has flaws. many of them. some of them you can change and others you cannot. accept the ones you cannot change. the flaws you can change, it is important to try to change them and to love them simultaneously.”

and so and so forth…

if you don’t know how to compliment yourself/your body yet, feel free to take mine and amend it as you wish (make sure you add some parts in there about creating life and giving birth – which is amazing and miraculous!). compliment yourself even if you don’t believe it. there are parts of my anthem i don’t believe/practice everyday or every moment. the more you tell yourself these things, the more they will begin to materialize. it is all about confidence.

3) find friends with whom you can exercise! there is a certain undeniable momentum created by groups of people. whether it is one friend or 10, you will have fun, hold each other accountable and create memories. not only that, you will be doing so while your body releases those beautiful things known as endorphins. combine that with friends and laughter, you will have a veritable explosion of fun and merriment.

however, make sure these are friends that will challenge you rather than friends that will let you cut corners or eat that extra snack you don’t need. (of course, if you need the snack, by all means eat it!) right now (and anytime really) you need supportive friends, not enabling friends.

4) focus on the other reasons why you exercise and put them somewhere visible. put a picture of your son in your gym bag or in the corner of the tv screen while you do an exercise dvd. heck, put a picture of yourself in there too - because this is for you too! remind yourself that your goal is to be healthy and have confidence.

5) create small goals for yourself and reward yourself (with something other than food) when you achieve them. make sure some of your goals are exercise goals. (i.e. running/walking a certain trail in a shorter time.) having goals other than weightloss goals is important because you are more than a number on a scale. adding other goals will create a dimension to your pursuit of fitness that cannot otherwise be created.

6) don’t compare yourself to others. i believe many people’s body image problems are created when we compare ourselves to others. it doesn’t help when physical appearance expectations are directly (i.e. family members telling us) or indirectly (i.e. media) are impressed upon us. dispose of such bad influences where possible, particularly at this time when you need to build up your confidence. of course you are not going to look like you fell out of a magazine – nobody really does. it is unrealistic. so throw out the magazines and turn off the television.

7) make this a competition with yourself (rather than a competition against others – this goes along with #6). try to run/walk farther than you did yesterday. do one more push-up or sit-up.

8) if you fall down, pick yourself up and tell yourself you are AWESOME!

shaggys

Hey!I read this earler but I have been thinking about it for awhile-what a touchy subject!
Losing weight after babies is tough-but absolutely not impossible.I have a great motivator-the person who loves you more than anyone in the whole world-your sweet little son:flowerforyou: Even if you lose that weight,it does not guarantee that your marriage will work out.It is all about you and your son,time to get focused!
Good luck!!

laurenpence

Just to let you know anything under 18.5% body fat for a female is unhealthy. Have you ever noticed that body builders have more of a mans body and a deeper voice? This is because women do have testosterone and when our body fat gets too low the testosterone level go up as well which can lead to some hair in places women shouldn't have hair. I say aim to be healthy and confident. In my opinion he should love you no matter what size you are and you should only want to get fit for you. My advice that has worked for me......buy something completely out of your comfort zone but that you have always wanted to wear. Buy it in the size you want to be. I splurged on a pair of jeans that were a size 7 and I worked my butt off to get into those and wear them well. I felt so sexy even though they were just jeans. Oh and every time my husband pisses me off I take it out on the treadmill. Good luck to you and I hope you find the answer you are looking for from the many supporters you have!

imarlett

Wow, your husband is a very shallow fellow. Is he such a stud? I have to wonder...

On to the subject at hand:
You have to want it for yourself as others have said. Once that is in place, nothing can stop you. Looks are not as important as health. Keep in mind that you want to be healthy for yourself and to care for your child. These are the important things in life.

Keep your chin up girl and tune out all those negative comments!

AGG115

Okay, couple of things:

That pic up there is over a year old. My baby's 13 months and my miscarriage happened in March. I'm physically as ready to work out again as ever.

Yes, I know my husband is shallow and I don't have any intention of being 17% BMI. I think I'd have to have an eating disorder to get there. I would, however, like to get to the mid-range of where my doctor says I should be, which would be to 150. I'm at 174 now.

Our marriage vows mean nothing to him anymore because, to be honest, I had an affair in 2008. In his opinion, the marriage vows are broken. He's thinking about divorcing me and, though I think we can work through our issues and hope he stays, he may not. I know part of this ridiculous standard is him trying to make me feel inadequate just like my affair made him feel inadequate. The action is not okay at all, but the psychology of why he's doing it does make sense and I don't blame him for being hurt.

I know my marriage isn't good right now, and I'm working through counseling on trying to muddle through making it better. That's not the advice I'm looking for in this column. I appreciate everyone's concerns and they are valid, but I have support through other forums in that regard. What I want to know is how to play the mental game of doing this for a valid reason other than to pacify my husband since I know I'll never reach his standard anyway.

I did see someone's sig that I liked. It said that for every 5 or 10 lbs lost, they'd treat themselves to varying things like a pedicure or massage. I think I may copy that idea.

elmct57

:flowerforyou:
adorable new pic! and yes, you've got the idea now...

Becka77

Get a new husband.

sindyb9

Yes I find it very helpful and motivating to give myself a present (not food) when I reach a goal. This must have been hard for you to read with people ignoring the question you were asking. :flowerforyou: Sorry for that. Set small goals at first. and have a lot of fun with your 13 month old son. Mine is 19 years now and I miss that special time.

HealthyChanges2010

I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?

I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?

I agree with you, getting in some excercise will definitely help with any stress life sends your way. Taking a walk with the baby in the stroller, do DVD's while baby is sleeping, etc. Zumba classes can be found most anyplace these days, check out your local rec center or a gym nearby. Sometimes you can buy punchcards for classes if you're not looking to join a gym. You might find joining a gym and meeting new friends exactly what you need for confidence building.

Getting yourself healthy for you and your baby is most important, not losing weight or getting to a certain body fat %, those likely will come along with getting healthy. Focus on what feels good for you, Getting up in the a.m, taking a shower getting a quick workout in (all depending on the babys scedule of course) and start out your day in a positive mode.

It's your life for you to live, moving our bodies makes us feel good, gets us healthier and clears our mind of stresses of everyday life.

Good luck to you, do t for YOU Hon! If you don't feel like taking that walk, do it anyway, one day, you will crave that walk and begin loving be outdoors with the baby and you'll look back and wonder why it took so long.:flowerforyou:

Becca

AnneElise

Okay, couple of things:

That pic up there is over a year old. My baby's 13 months and my miscarriage happened in March. I'm physically as ready to work out again as ever.

Yes, I know my husband is shallow and I don't have any intention of being 17% BMI. I think I'd have to have an eating disorder to get there. I would, however, like to get to the mid-range of where my doctor says I should be, which would be to 150. I'm at 174 now.

Our marriage vows mean nothing to him anymore because, to be honest, I had an affair in 2008. In his opinion, the marriage vows are broken. He's thinking about divorcing me and, though I think we can work through our issues and hope he stays, he may not. I know part of this ridiculous standard is him trying to make me feel inadequate just like my affair made him feel inadequate. The action is not okay at all, but the psychology of why he's doing it does make sense and I don't blame him for being hurt.

I know my marriage isn't good right now, and I'm working through counseling on trying to muddle through making it better. That's not the advice I'm looking for in this column. I appreciate everyone's concerns and they are valid, but I have support through other forums in that regard. What I want to know is how to play the mental game of doing this for a valid reason other than to pacify my husband since I know I'll never reach his standard anyway.

I did see someone's sig that I liked. It said that for every 5 or 10 lbs lost, they'd treat themselves to varying things like a pedicure or massage. I think I may copy that idea.

Sorry that people were off topic but to be honest with the original post its hard not to be shocked and upset for you so I thinke people probably just are typing first reactions

NOW yes, I think rewards are great. Also maybe do you have someone who would want to be a workout buddy (not your hubby) but a friend or a sister? thats an idea that might help boost your morale for loosing weight!

AGG115

Thank you! These are the kinds of ideas I was looking for! I already know the marriage is bad and I'm trying to improve it in various ways. Thanks to the last few ladies for focusing on my real question about motivation!

HealthyChanges2010

Thank you! These are the kinds of ideas I was looking for! I already know the marriage is bad and I'm trying to improve it in various ways. Thanks to the last few ladies for focusing on my real question about motivation!

Hope you're doing well finding some 'me' time for your workouts Hon:flowerforyou:

Becca

Momtage

Ask yourself what it is YOU want making sure your motives are for the right reasons too.
Set some goals to that end and keep the focus there as much as you can. Make a realistic plan for yourself.
Strive to follow your plan. It will be a matter mentally rethinking of it.