My ED says Anorexia recovery is an "excuse" to binge...help!

Dr_Mouse

Ok so I have a weird question about recovery...

First off, does anyone feel like they must lose more weight or get sicker to "qualify" for recovery? It's like my ed is telling me I'm not "good enough" yet for recovery; like only the really sick, deathly emaciated, lying-in-a-hospital-bed individuals deserve recovery.

And because of this mentality, I'm afraid I'm treating recovery (or the idea of it at least) as some glorious, guilt-free, "well deserved" food binge where I'll finally be allowed to eat whatever I want. It's like extreme delayed gratification. The longer I put off recovery and keep restricting to <1400 calories, the more I can look forward to the day when I'll finally be eligible for recovery. It's like recovery -- with all its promise of food, and real satiation, and eating forbidden things -- has become a distant reward for this behavior.

I'm really sorry if I'm being unfair to the people who are actually STRUGGLING with recovery right now. I know it's not easy, it's not kittens and rainbows, and it's certainly not a license to binge! But I'm so confused. I get excited about recovery, but at the same time I'm terrified I'll lose total control and binge my way to an unhealthy bmi...

Any thoughts are appreciated. I guess I'm just really stressed out right now...I have an appointment with an ed clinic on Friday, and for some stupid reason, I'm hoping they'll diagnose me with anorexia so I can feel validated enough to eat.

Rachel0778

I'm really glad to hear you have an appointment with an eating disorder clinic on Friday. Please tell them exactly what you said in this post. They are experts at assisting people with recovery. People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. You do not have to look a certain way to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

With that being said, I hope you nourish your body fully today and take care of yourself in preparation for the start of your recovery journey tomorrow. You deserve recovery and a healthy relationship with food.

RachelElser

Once you have those tendencies, either to food restriction or food binge, you can swing either way a lot easier than someone who does not have those tendencies. The VAST majority of people with anorexia/binge eating are not the emaciated skeletons people think of. When you go, really tell them how you are feeling so they can help you! If they aren't total unprofessional idiots anyways. I hope you are able to be a happy healthy person who really loves herself (or himself, sorry I can't tell by your name:))

singingflutelady

When I was hospitalized for my ed I had the lowest bmi at 15.8. Most were close to or normal weight. Weight doesn't necessarily indicate how sick you are. And treatment wasn't a glorious binged filled event. It was stressful. I hated being forced to eat all the food I avoided. It was scary. Your body hurts. You have no privacy.It's next to impossible to binge while hospitalized. It was worth it in the end as I am kinda recovered but I never want to have to do it again which is one of my motivators to never get that sick again.

I understand the not sick enough line of thinking. I thought that as well even at my sickest. It's quite normal in ed patients.

Dr_Mouse

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and insights. I feel a little better knowing many of my fears are a result of Ed verbalizing ways to keep me trapped. And yeah, I'm going to try to tell the assessment therapist exactly how I feel...I've heard it's better to be totally honest during this kind of visit than sweeping stuff under the rug.

hekla90

You won't ever feel sick enough. My bmi is 15.8 and I don't even think I look that bad. Better to get it fixed when you're restricting around a normal amount of calories than severely. The longer you wait the more difficult it gets.

pebbleslaura1

Im same worrie ill go from anorexia to binge! Its a normal worrie id luv to here from someone who is recovered an their recovery if the experienced this? Best talk to clinic dont hide your thought an feelings i made that mistake but now i share everything so can get the right help xx

Dr_Mouse

hekla90 wrote: »

You won't ever feel sick enough. My bmi is 15.8 and I don't even think I look that bad. Better to get it fixed when you're restricting around a normal amount of calories than severely. The longer you wait the more difficult it gets.

@hekla90: Good gracious, my bmi is exactly the same...15.8, and I don't feel truly sick or think I look terrible (in fact, some days I think I look pretty darn good). Even though I'm thin -- an ideal that the media has made out to be "desirable" and a big accomplishment -- I know I'm not healthy...I can tell because of the ways my eyes look. Just dead, like I'm looking out from behind prison bars, but not really taking in the joy of life. Somehow, the bones, leanness, strict eating...it all represents control, self-discipline, and higher self-worth to me. I guess I have to start viewing recovery and it's physical manifestations of weight gain (fat gain too), increased strength, and mental clarity as representing a new control and achievement.

Ugh, it's so hard. And I haven't even started true recovery yet. Waiting until after the beginning of this week when I move off college campus, set up online classes, and get the logistics of staying at home this semester figured out. Sorry if I'm rambling. Helps me process.

hekla90

Dr_Mouse wrote: »

hekla90 wrote: »

You won't ever feel sick enough. My bmi is 15.8 and I don't even think I look that bad. Better to get it fixed when you're restricting around a normal amount of calories than severely. The longer you wait the more difficult it gets.

@hekla90: Good gracious, my bmi is exactly the same...15.8, and I don't feel truly sick or think I look terrible (in fact, some days I think I look pretty darn good). Even though I'm thin -- an ideal that the media has made out to be "desirable" and a big accomplishment -- I know I'm not healthy...I can tell because of the ways my eyes look. Just dead, like I'm looking out from behind prison bars, but not really taking in the joy of life. Somehow, the bones, leanness, strict eating...it all represents control, self-discipline, and higher self-worth to me. I guess I have to start viewing recovery and it's physical manifestations of weight gain (fat gain too), increased strength, and mental clarity as representing a new control and achievement.

Ugh, it's so hard. And I haven't even started true recovery yet. Waiting until after the beginning of this week when I move off college campus, set up online classes, and get the logistics of staying at home this semester figured out. Sorry if I'm rambling. Helps me process.

I'm not coming from a position of body dysmorphia-so I don't so much understand that. I'm coming from a coping skill post traumatic event, so it's not quite the same. I know exactly how I look and it's just a coping skill. I started out small so I didn't much leeway to lose.

You should prioritize your recovery and getting into counseling though before everything else. As you said, eating disorders about feeling in control. After I was sexually assaulted of course it makes sense to resort to a coping skill that made me feel in control of my body. So I encourage you to think about whatever is going on in your life that you feel is out of control and work on that- in my experience it's useless to work on recovering if you don't take the band aid off and see why it was put on in the first place. Work on healing that, otherwise it's like slathering ointment on the outside the band aid.

mixa4u

Uh, I havent experienced binges. I am just fit moderate amount of sweets everyday into my macros. Feeling great! In refeeding after anorexia you need tons of energy, so forget bout previous binges, and eat everyday but in moderate. Good luck

hyIianprincess

I had this mentality when I first started recovery. I was binging everyday, non stop and I gained 30 pounds rapidly which inevitably led to me relapsing. I justified the binges because I needed to gain weight anyways. I figured since I didn't allow myself certain foods in the past, I deserved to eat them and as much as I wanted. Recovery isn't easy, but it's definitely worth it. I can relate to not feeling worthy of recovery but our BMI shouldn't determine whether or not we deserve it. We all deserve it. I hope your appointment goes well. Since I've started therapy and been completely honest with my team, I've made a lot of progress. Hang in there! Wishing you the best.