Finally told my biggest secret.

saralthrash

The last three nights I ate myself sick at dinner time. When dinner was over I went in the kitchen and secretly ate until my stomach hurt. I ate very quickly with huge bites. This is something I have done since I was a child. and I was not overweight as a child. When I do it it feels like I am totally out of control. My head is screaming at myself to stop and j want to. But I don't. My mother was very strict with my eating habits and I was shamed when I she found out I ate a lot. About age 19 the binge eating started. I did it a couple of times a week for about 3 years. I gained so much weight. Often when I do this its when I am depressed or anxious. When I cannot eat anymore I absolutely hate myself. I have noticed that since I've been on anti depressants the binge eating had stopped. Well I had missed the last three days of medication and it was just like before. I'm sharing this because last night I told my husband about all of this. He was very supportive and he told me that he will always love me no matter what but that he was worried for my health. Needless to say I got back on my medication and I will try to never miss another dose. Finally telling someone has made me feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I probably will not tell anyone else from my "real" life. But I'm hoping that by sharing someone somehow will be helped by this. I also understand that by sharing this I will probably have someone put in their own 2 cents about how I'm wrong or I don't have self control but I've lived with this secret for over 20 years and if someone reads this realizes they have the same problem and seeks therapy or talks to their doctor than I have done my part.

sndrd49

Good for yoU. The shame and secrecy perpetuates the behaviour. We shouldn't be ashamed, it's a coping mechanism....when we find other ways to cope with our feelings it gets better. Take care, stay strong!

SisterSueGetsFit

thank you for sharing. this is a very personal journey and it will be different for everyone. I'm glad you could share this with your husband and this coumminty. I like the quote "when you know better, you do better." You know better, now you can do better. Good luck with your journey. You have my support.

sunnybeaches105

Overeating, drinking too much, abuse of drugs, cutting, etc. all often have deeply seated emotional issues that may have little to do with the symptoms we are trying to address. It helps to step back and think through the why, sometimes with a counsellor. It's great that you've told someone but keep working it even after the initial euphoria/relief has passed. The issue may still be there and it may take some time to work through it.

rlf6x2

Thank you for sharing. I too suffer from depression, when I don't take my meds, all I want to do is lay in bed and eat. This app has helped me stay in control.

spzjlb

Good for you in telling your husband and sharing with us. I am certain that there are heaps of people here who understand because they binge, too. You are surely not alone and will find support here. Good luck.

saralthrash

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the kind words!

ReadyWillingEager

Letting it out is a huge feat!
Congrats you're on your path to recovery
A word of friendly advice: log your binges on here (as much as you can remember anyway). It hurts but it's helpful.

Whitezombiegirl

You could be seen to be treating yourself like a trashcan by filling yourself with garbage. You are not garbage, you deserve to have a good relationship with food, you deserve to be controled by normal hunger and not self-sabotaging behaviour. What is the worst that could happen if you got healthy and happy? Are you afraid to fail, or that you dont see yourself as that person? Do you think that you dont matter?

Im obviously speaking for myself here, so apologies if im talking nonsense. I have worked on my self esteem for a while now and it helps to learn to love yourself. Things fall into place- though i still have bad days they are few and far between.

Good luck and hugs.

Jadedlily83

You are like a beacon of light, I wish I had your strength. I suffer from bipolar disorder and had such severe post-partum depression for years that I had the same issues. I understand. That says it in a nutshell. Keep your head up!

robertw486

@saralthrash Tagged in hopes you are still reading responses....

It's great that you could get that out there and be honest with yourself and all of us. Accepting reality is sometimes hard, and speaking up and getting it off your chest is probably helpful to someone reading.

But just as a note, as the parent of a 16 year old I've done a bit of study on the psychology of younger people, and in specific eating habits and disorders. And I've found that restrictive eating patterns by parents, even those done with the best intentions, often have long term impact about how the children view food, and might somewhat form their later relationships with food.

That being combined with your medications might be even harder to change, as quite a few medications also impact moods, hunger, etc.

Live and learn from it and accept things for what they are. Your first post indicates that you are doing just that in my opinion.

StacyChrz

Good for you for finally talking about it. I'm so happy to hear that your husband is giving you the support and encouragement you deserve.

bri170lb

I honestly believe that sharing your secrets with others lessens the power that they have over you. That has always been the case in my life and it is something that I try to teach to my children.

I am praying that your heart is lighter because you were brave enough to share with us.