Everyday fight

ralu_isp

I've changed my lifestyle more than a year and a half ago. I started by cutting out completely all crisps, chocolates, pastries etc and doing HIIT 6 days a week. I lost the weight and started to get leaner. Then i discovered MFP and at the beginning it was difficult taking the time to plan everything in. Now i plan 2-3 days in advance and have huge dinners to make up the macros. I have big portions for each meal and a snack at 6 pm. My problem is.. I always want more. I especially hate planning my rest days. I panic about the amount of food i'll be having, I panic about getting peckish and get jealous of my other half having more than me. We are both into healthy living but i must say, he's handling it much better. Probably because he's been doing it for a decade and i am just a begginner.
I struggle with snacking and I spend my days telling myself NO. I am scared of going to someone's house because i know they'll have something out, although I don't touch anything if they are in the same room. In short, I'm a secret eater. I have good weeks when i don't think about sneaking out and buying a bar of chocolate and other weeks when i have a little something extra every day. I want my body to stay fit but I also want all the food! How can I manage that? I have to say, my breakfasts are amazing, more like desserts and they are all healthy, sugarfree and normally around 350 kcal. I struggle with impulse snacking. That's what upsets me. Not being able to grab a latte or even an apple as I've planned my carbs for that day. And i'm terrible at changing my diary to fit an impulse snack. I don't want to cut out the cheese on top of my meal to have a bag of nuts after lunch. I go out and eat the nuts and pretend it hasn't happened. This of course, leads to weight fluctuations and big mood swings.
I have to say, we have great food and my other half is a fantastic cook. He has come up with brilliant ways to make naughty food healthy and guilt free. We eat pizzas, burgers, lasagna, rissotto, . You name it and he'll make it healthy. Not to mention a whole cheesecake for breakfast or chocolate and peanut butter icecream with hot caramel porridge. But why is this not enough for me?? Why can i not stop thinking about food and why do I freak out when I have to go on a course that provides lunch? I always bring my own and a couple of snacks but that's not to say I don't sit through the whole day staring at the box of biscuits on the table.. It's all that i think about!
I've tried cheat meals and it just made me believe that i can have whatever i want and not put on weight. Guess what.. I did! I am honestly obsessed with my food..
I'm now considering speaking to my GP for a referral to a specialist but i don't have any hope that they will be able to help. My mind is coming to terms with the fact that i will always want more and always want both. Be fit, lean and slim and eat anything! But that doesn't exist..