Help with picky eaters and family meals.

cmbx2mom

FT working mom of 2 kids aged 9 and 11. Both are fairly picky eaters and of course don't like the same things. Let me state that I did NOT "make" my kids into picky eaters. I have read SO many posts with "just make 1 meal and they'll eat if they're hungry". My kids will literally STARVE themselves vs. eat something they do not want to eat. The worst part is then they go to school and although the lunches are healthy the snacks are TERRIBLE...I'm talking doritos, Cheetos, ice cream sandwiches etc etc. Because my husband and I both work FT we pay to send kids to school a bit early and have them stay late which is where the crappy snacks are. I do also believe just like everyone has unique eye colors, hair color etc that people have unique taste buds and are not going to like everything the same. There are definitely some foods I don't like.
Anyway, here is what I am working with:
Both kids will eat chicken, ground beef and pork (only with shake n bake on it).
One likes steak the other not so much. One will eat a basic salad (lettuce, cucumbers, tomato) the other will only tale a nibble of red peppers.
The salad kid will not touch fruits, while the non-salad kid will eat oranges/clementines and apples.
1 eats white rice and elbow macaroni, the other won't touch them. He occasionally will eat a bit of mashed potato.

Needless to say there are not many "family" meals that everyone will eat. While I have no problem with "fine, go hungry", that usually results in extra snacks and crap at school the next day, never mind the complaints (which I can usually deal with, but after a while it wears you down). And certainly not what I want to teach the kids.
And the last thing I want to do every night after working all day is fight over food. My husband was really coming down on the kids about it and my son ended up starting to lie about what he was eating.
My son likes to help cook but will NOT eat anything he doesn't want, independent if he helped cook it or not.
Both are quite thin so no issue with weight, but I really struggle when it comes to feeding the family.
And my kids also pick out even the tiniest piece of vegetable if you try and "hide" it with something else. Part of me just wants to make what I want and then they can choose not to eat but then they end up eating extra junk the next day.
I feel like I have tried everything that is suggested but to no avail.
How do other people deal with multiple and uncommon tastes in the family?

computerfox82

I don't have kids, but my husband can be a picky eater. He doesn't eat many vegetables unless it's full of flavor and spices. He will eat all kinds of veggies and things he normally wouldn't if it was done up in Indian, Korean, Jamaican, ect style or if he pours Sriracha sauce over it. Your kids may be super tasters and may dislike bland items. Do they like super salty, seasoned items or do they prefer buttery and cheesy items? You may need to experiment around one weekend and make something totally different. You could also make healthy snacks for them to have. Try different seasonings, herbs, spices with foods you make and see if there's an improvement.

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

Yeah, these threads always dissolve into "they'll eat what you make and stop bending to their will", "be a better parent" yada yada yada. Be prepared for that...

I have similar issues in my house - hubby and son are both picky as all get-out. My son will actually vomit if I make him eat something he doesn't like. Very embarrassing at spaghetti dinner at a friend's house, let me tell you.

I generally make the same protein for everyone, usually chicken, but make it plain for my son and seasoned in a way my hubby and I will both eat. More veggies for me, more carbs for hubby and son. I always keep veggies on hand they'll eat. I eat pretty much anything.
Over the years I've learned to manage it without making completely separate meals, but different enough to suit everyone's tastes. When I get frustrated with the whole thing (a couple of times a month), I just say "eff it" and order in.

LKArgh

I was struggling with making my kid love everything when I had one, a bit less when I had two, with three, it ended up being "this is what we eat, I am not going to hear a single complaint from anyone of you, and if you do not like it, the same thing will be your next meal", with just a couple of food as exceptions for each kid.
Guess what? It turns out that no, they will not let themselves starve. I did not test the theory because I am a brilliant parent, and they have not learned to eat a variety because I am an awesome cook or they have awesome non-picky genese. At some point I became a very tired and angry parent, sick of negotiating whether it should be peas or tomato as side dish, if it is ok to put sauce on the meat, if the seasonings are too spicy or whatever. There came a point where I thought that actually letting the kids starve for a while was a much better idea than arguing and negotiating and worrying. It turned out that kids adapt. The youngest who is still 5 will have some occasional mini-fits over food (he does not eat happily many vegetables) but they are now very short in duration.

The rules are:

"You eat it now or you eat it later." My mind was telling me no one ever died from skipping one, two or three meals, but still this was for me the hardest part to accept, part of me screaming "but they will starve!". But like I said, when we tried applying these rules, the kids were young. With preteens, I think it would be easier.

"No snacks, treats, dessert until you eat the actual meal." I do not care if it is today, tomorrow or next week. My oldest who used to hate vegetables has once whined "what if I do not eat for a week and the salad gets to spoil". I replied "I will remove the rotten bits and give the rest to you. Or I will prepare you a fresh one, if the smell is awful". I think it convinced her.

"My job is to provide the meal, you choose when and how much to eat". I am not going to force feed, bribe, insist anyone has to finish the food or whatever. We do try to make eating a pleasant experience, eating together when possible (usually dinner), encouraging talking about the day etc.

"There are foods you cannot eat, but they need to be a few." So, no major food groups can be excluded (e.g. ok not to like spinach, not ok to never eat any vegetables).

"You can refuse to eat but if you make a fight about food and act inappropriately (whine, spit it out, demand alternatives etc) you are into trouble." This was critical for changing the kids eating habits and stop turning food arguments into fights.

"If you do not want to eat an apple or a sandwich for snack, clearly you do not need a snack because you are not hungry". Lunches for school and snacks are packaged from home. There are a couple of "junk" food items per week and that's it. I do not care if everyone else is having oreos and hot dogs every single day. I also will not care if everyone else starts smoking in a few years. The school does nto provide free snacks, I do not let them buy snakcs. If the school had a free-for-all junk food policy, then this would be a very good reason for us to find a new school. It is not a fight I would be willing to have every day. We prepare homemade treats, we go shopping together and they can choose their favourite treats to take to school somedays, we go out for ice-cream, chocolate, cupcakes etc every weekend, so they are not deprived.

Obviously I did not wake up one day and demand that my oldest who was then 5ish suddenly love everything. We started with a one bite rule from everything, vegetables at every meal (even this one bite) and worked from there changing the rules more and more. She would not eat most vegetables and legumes back then. Today we were eating at a restaurant, she ordered eggplants and a bean-based salad. Her dad was actually trying to persuade her to share a burger with him and she was like "but I like eggplants better!".

Toronto6fan

One of mine is super picky. Others will try anything. I make family dinners and if the picky one won't eat it, he grabs a hard boiled egg, ham, veg and hummus, or something else healthy from the fridge. He's 10. We tried the you have to try one bite and a bunch of other things but mealtimes ended up a battle zone.

Lizzy622

Have you tried chili? My children were more sensitive to texture than taste so when I made chili or soups with vegetables, I put the vegetables in the blender and liquefied them after cooking. (be careful if still hot) I also let them add more spices if they wanted but made the food mild. One liked it very hot, one liked it very mild and the third was in between.

WinoGelato

We have similar issues, and it is hard. I'd love to be one of those "you eat what I make or you don't eat at all" parents but to be honest I was super picky as a kid and I know how much anxiety that gave me about food and how much stress it probably caused my mother.

My kids (4 and 7) actually eat a decent variety of foods but they don't eat much, of anything at dinner time. They also tend to eat more earlier in the day, so breakfast they eat a small bagel and a banana and will still ask for a granola bar or pop tart (yes they eat pop tarts, sue me). Then they eat breakfast at school (usually cold cereal). Lunch they take a sandwich, chips and fruit and eat most of that every day(I have them bring the leftovers home so I can see) or occasionally buy lunch if it is something they like (grilled cheese or corn dogs or "kid" foods). They get a snack at the after care program too (goldfish or graham crackers or string cheese or fruit usually). So by the time dinner rolls around, they really just don't eat that much, whether I make them Mac n Cheese and hot dogs or whether I make them grilled salmon and steamed veggies.

I try to put something on their plate that I know they will eat no matter what. Fruit, cheese, plain white rice, buttered noodles, baby carrots, etc. then I have them try what we are eating, sometimes with modifications (less seasoning, no sauce on the stir fry, etc). I try to put a vegetable and protein on their plate no matter what for them to try. Things they've eaten that I was successful with are anything that goes with rice - whether it be stir fry or burrito bowls, where they kind of assemble it themselves. They even have liked butter chicken or chicken tikka masala, or red curry coconut chicken with the sauce on it. They've become more accustomed to eating beef, pork and chicken once I found some sweeter marinades/seasoning blends, but they probably eat less than half a serving each when it comes down to it. They really like edamame and sugar snap peas. I've tried making colorful roasted potatoes (there's a blend of gold, red and purple potatoes that I buy) and we make a game of trying to blind taste them to see if they can identify the difference.

It's stressful and I agree, fighting at dinner when we have such limited family time together is not something that any of us enjoy. I'd love to have them be these growing boys that gobble up whatever I put in front of them and I complain about grocery bills but we aren't there yet...

allaboutthefood

I will make a large raw veggie platter with all different veggies and one platter of fruit. I put that on the table and the kids can take what they want. The rule is you put it on your plate you eat it. When I make a sauce dish, I will blend up kale, broccoli and spinach and add it to the sauce, the kids can't tell cause it's blended up with the sauce, so there are no chucks. My oldest was a very picky eater and went to bed hungry a lot and she would eat extra snacks at school, she would also come home hungry and would want a snack before dinner, I put a stop to that. It took a long while. But now she will eat her dinners, she may make dog poop faces but she will eat it. I have another rule, if it's your first time having it, you have to eat all of it and if you really really don't like it. I won't make it again for a while at least, it's hard to control what your kids eat outside of the house, but you can control on what they eat when they are home. Best of luck, I know the struggle is real.

Lounmoun

There are 3 people in my family. Dd (15) is the pickiest eater. Dh doesn't care for pasta- which is dd's favorite food of course.
Dd is not going to like the main thing for dinner every single night... maybe 3 nights a week she won't want to eat it. When I plan meals I either plan a side dish I know dd will eat or spread out the meals she won't like between meals she will so there will be leftovers available. There are always options. She can make her own sandwich, have some cereal, eat fruit, or yogurt. No reason to starve or fight.
I ask for input when I plan meals. The menu for the whole week is posted on the refrigerator. I expect people who are not toddlers to know and take responsibility for their preferences. It is not cool to come to me when dinner is ready and say "What is this? I won't eat this. What am I going to eat?" I'll help someone figure out options in advance but not at that point.

mistress8956

I have 3 kids and all 3 like completely different things as well! My oldest is a carbaholic and could live on pasta, my middle who's very active/ into sports just wants to eat meat/ protein all the time, my youngest is more of a processed food junkie/ fruits and veggie eater. Then you have myself and hubby who are both trying to loss weight/ count calories/ eat healthier .I WILL NOT make different meals for everyone, but some compromise is needed. Idk if this would work for you or not but it's the best way I have figured out for our family. I will make different sides, one kid want cucumbers, the other 2 want grapes ok fine. Or 2 kids want mac n cheese and the 3rd wants cucumber fine( he really likes cucumber lol) but the main meal for everyone is the same. They know that they have to have a minimum of 1fruit/1veggie with dinner. I also know there are some things they won't eat EVER no matter what I do or how I make it. I'm making chicken everyone gets chicken. The kids are allowed one 'unhealthy treat' after dinner each night as long has they eat all their dinner ( also as long as they had a good day and didn't get in trouble) if they don't eat their dinner then they don't get anything but water the rest of the night. Your not going to always win this battle, and they arnt going to always eat 'healthy' things. I believe it's the responsibility of the parent to teach your kids about good food choice, proper portion sizes, and what is healthy and what isn't. Good luck!

robot_potato

Your kids are old enough to learn basic cooking skills. If I know it's something that they truly dislike after multiple tries, my 11 year old can make something else that her& and her brother agree upon. She can make macaroni, noodles, rice, grilled cheese, steamed veg, nachos, and a few other things with minimal supervision, so if we are having something particularly 'gross', they have other options.They are also welcome to all the fruit and veg they want. My girl likes tomatoes the most, but will eat any fruit/veg except mushroom, onions or peppers. My boy loves carrots, peas, broccoli and cucumber but hates all other veg including potatoes and likes any fruit except tomatoes. He also struggles with his weight (he had to be supplemented to gain until recently, he's now 53 pounds at nearly 8). I don't want them to have a complex about food so i don't turn it into an argument, but I will make 1 meal and if you don't want to eat it it's up to you to make something else. The 7 year old gets help obviously but the 11 year old will ask questions and do it herself.

snowflake954

This is hard. I was a picky eater myself and lived to tell about it, so I decided that I wasn't going to make my kids eat anything. I was not going to fight over food. My husband also doesn't eat meat, and so I had my work cut out for me. I look at it this way, the refrigerator is full of food and no one's going to starve to death. I live in Italy and most everyone eats pasta, so for lunch that's easy. I always have fruit and salad ready. I do my protein at the evening meal, again with salad, a vegetable and fruit. Anyone not wanting the main course can make a sandwich or pull out the cheese. My boys are all young men now and their tastes have broadened. Good luck.