Depressed & Advice wanted
SunnyZain76
Posts: 20
So let me first describe myself, I'm about 5'5 & 60 pounds overweight. Lately my weight has become such an issue with my husband & sister "I guess" but in the most awful negative way I can describe. I've been having marital problems for about 3 years & it has become pretty toxic lately. My husband is constantly making comments about my weight when we argue and he's being pretty nasty about it too & just two weeks ago my sister & I got into a big argument while we were out and mentoned how I'm at my biggest weight gain she has seen in me & it goes into much more negative detail from there & she did it in front of everyone. The other night one of my guy friends was hanging out with my girlfriends and I & I overheard his friend asking him "are you into fat girls now?" I honestly couldn't hear my friends reply back but I did let my friend know that I heard his shallow friend's comment. I don't know why this whole weight issue has become such a big deal to me now because not only do I hear negative comments from the ones I love but strangers. You would think that those comments would make me workout but instead I'm climbing into this depression & I'm so angry too. The whole fact is this comments that are being made are mean & not in a positive manner. I'm unsure how to handle all this and how to turn this negative around. I love my sister but everything she said & even let her fiance step in with his opinions has hurt me very bad & I don't even want to speak to her. As far as my husband, he hasn't been supportive with me for a long time and has no respect for me either. I need advice please
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Replies
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Oh geez......no advice, but just gotta say.....what aholes!!0
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First of all, what your husband is saying to you is VERY rude, and probably one of the reasons you have gained weight. I'm sure if he expressed what was on his mind in a much more understanding way, for instance if he was generally concerned about your health, you'd probably be much happier and working toward your goal now! Now if you're 60 pounds over weight and unhealthy and YOU want to change...then change!
But don't do it for your husband or your sister. Do it for yourself! Chances are if your husband is mean like that about your weight, if you lose weight he'll find something else to pick at. You don't want that. Forget him because he is NOT a real man for making you feel like that! Find in yourself the real reasons why you want to lose weight, and do it for yourself. :-)
You can do it!0 -
I agree... in that my advice is probably not helpful. Do not surround yourself with a-holes.
If you want to salvage your marriage, I suggest you approach him calmly and seek help together.
Stand up for what you need. Do things for you. Start small--- be active at work, on your lunch break. Confide in us here or people you trust.
The first step is to make yourself number one priority. Everything else will get better. You deserve to be fulfilled, happy and healthy! :flowerforyou:0 -
You say you've been "trying" to lose the weight since your youngest child was born six years ago.
You will be much happier with yourself and your life if you stop "trying" and start "doing". Is this something you talk about a lot with your husband and sister? Like do you put yourself down in front of them, or complain about your weight or lack of weight loss? Because I have a friend who does that, and has been doing that for years. No one wants to hear her anymore, it's just negative self-loathing.
We all have our issues. It's definitely not kind of them to say the things they do. Stand up for yourself - don't let them talk to you like that. Don't wither. Just channel your anger into working out - take up kickboxing or Tae Kwon Do - something aggressive, to put you back in touch with the warrior side of you. Sounds like you are in need of that.0 -
Well that sucks
I can't give advise about your fam except that they are mean! But If I were in your position I'd work my butt off to get into the best shape of my life and then honestly find better ppl to be around. 0 -
Oh geez......no advice, but just gotta say.....what aholes!!
agree. sorry you have to go through this and sounds like its time to find new friends. I can't imagine my sister ever saying anything negative about my physical body so really don't have any advice other than you need to love yourself more than their hateful words:flowerforyou:0 -
usually you would take someone close aside and tell them that what they are saying is really hurtful and causing you distress. The problem is they might use this against you and insult you with it everytime you have an arguement. I would use your anger and start working out and controlling your intake. Do not let them know what you are up to so they do not try and sabotage your efforts. Each time they pee you off, up your efforts so you have the last laugh. Good luck and dont let them get you down. x0
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WOW, sorry to hear this... Being heavy all my life, I am used to the looks and comments. It never gets easy to accept and it does color your relationships to the point where you stop having them (at least for me it did).
I guess you have two choices.
1. Learn to live with it, even if it means cutting off those who can not accept you the way you are
2. Loose the weight.
I will say, if you are not ready and committed to number 2, then don't start. You need to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. If you start on the second path, I would hope that your husband and sister will become supportive as they see you making changes and losing weight. You can do this if you are ready to commit to doing it.
Good Luck! And hang in there.0 -
Honey I am so sorry you are dealing with such mean, unsupportive family members. I would lose it if my family said that to me. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should tell them how they are making you feel. Or if you want to fight fire with fire, when they say those nasty things to you, cut them down about what they are most insecure about. I bet they won't do it again after that. Other than that, just keep your head up, and remember, how You feel about yourself is the only thing that matters.0
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Wow. That is a lot to take in. I am really sorry about all of the negative comments that people have been making about you. It's even more disheartening to hear it from the people that are closest to you. I can't tell you what to say to your husband or your sister to get them to stop making such awful comments, but I can tell you that if you want to lose weight, you can absolutely do it. You can really do whatever you want to do in your life. If you decide that losing weight is what's right, please do it for yourself. Don't allow the negativity from your family members dictate that decision. Depression is always so tricky to deal with, but it can be managed with a series of little things that will make you feel better. You can set plans for yourself to work on treating yourself with a little bit of kindness every single day. You can do things that will make you feel better, and help you to reach your weight loss goals. I think that getting on a weight loss plan and surrounding yourself with positive people is great, but I think self-love has to come first. Be willing to say, "I love me right now; at this size, and I'll love myself just the same at whatever size I am in the future". If you have that self-love, everything else will fall into place. I struggle with this sometimes, but things just feel so much better when I feel good about myself as I am, right now.
If you need any positive friends, please feel free to add me.
You are gorgeous btw.0 -
We are unqualified to give you advice. Most of us are probably in f*cked up situations too. Know who is qualified? Licensed counselors. Find one.0
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Wow. That is a lot to take in. I am really sorry about all of the negative comments that people have been making about you. It's even more disheartening to hear it from the people that are closest to you. I can't tell you what to say to your husband or your sister to get them to stop making such awful comments, but I can tell you that if you want to lose weight, you can absolutely do it. You can really do whatever you want to do in your life. If you decide that losing weight is what's right, please do it for yourself. Don't allow the negativity from your family members dictate that decision. Depression is always so tricky to deal with, but it can be managed with a series of little things that will make you feel better. You can set plans for yourself to work on treating yourself with a little bit of kindness every single day. You can do things that will make you feel better, and help you to reach your weight loss goals. I think that getting on a weight loss plan and surrounding yourself with positive people is great, but I think self-love has to come first. Be willing to say, "I love me right now; at this size, and I'll love myself just the same at whatever size I am in the future". If you have that self-love, everything else will fall into place. I struggle with this sometimes, but things just feel so much better when I feel good about myself as I am, right now.
If you need any positive friends, please feel free to add me.
You are gorgeous btw.
Beautiful. I have a lot of respect for you.0 -
I went to my dr with severe depression!! She put me on fluoxetine to help with depression. As my depression became better it was easier for me to take care of me. No one else is gonna do it for us!!! Now I no longer want to wrap my car around a tree and I can deal with life's lemons as they come along. Please seek help from your doctor!!! Good luck.0
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I'm so sorry you have to put up with all that negativity.
If the people in your life are making negative comments now it's not going to magically change when you lose weight. Their negative comments are a reflection of their character, not a reflection of you.
It's really hard but you have to learn how to let this stuff roll right off your back. You're better than that. And you can choose not to let them affect you. I think it's time for a really good heart to heart talk with your husband, he needs to know that you need him on your side.
Then focus on you. Do you want to lose weight? Are you happy? Do you feel comfortable in your body the way it is? If you want to change for you then just do it. Don't even think about what anyone else will think. You will feel better, and it won't even matter if they notice or not.0 -
I just joined the site and browsing the comments came across this. I just recently started trying to get back into shape myself after letting myself go for quite a while. I don't know your situation but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Have your husband and sister maybe been trying to quietly motivate you for a while in a nice way and it was just easy to ignore? Sometimes people turn to harsh criticism when they don’t think they are being heard. As for the other people they are just being rude. Again, I don’t know your situation but they may only be trying to motivate you the only way they think will work because they love you. Good luck.0
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As hard as may be, you must turn the depression from the comments into a motivation to change. I grew up the fat kid and heard the most malicious things my whole childhood. I WAS IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION AS YOU ARE IN. Though it may not have been from family usually, I internalized everything I heard from those around me. At age 13, I was 100 pounds overweight. I would cry myself to sleep. BUT, 2 years ago I finally found the strength to turn my life around and 70 pounds later, I have yet to look back. You MUST surround yourself with positive influences. And you MUST consider the negative comments as motivation, no matter how hard. Never say you'll start the next day, or week, or month even. As cliche as it sounds, you really have to "Just Do It". If you continue to internalize all the comments, it will just continue this downward spiral that you don't want to fall into. If you need help, advice, motivation, anything, I'm here for you.0
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Sadly I've heard all those same negative comments, but unfortunately for me they are usually generated in my own head. But that's not your issue.
When people treat us with disrespect (as your husband and sister so clearly have) it is generally because we have given them permission to do so. Giving them permission can be as simple as not raising heck the first time they did it (or the second or the third) and instead internalizing it and assuming their opinion of you defines who you are. It doesn't.
What's done is done and you can't go and undo what I suspect is years of damage created by them and tolerated by you. All you can do is start from today. Your husband and sister are verbally abusing you. I want to picture that instead of you, they were doing it to a friend of yours. What would you tell your friend? THAT'S what you need to do. Whatever it is you think someone else is worth (better treatment, lack of abuse, whatever), THAT'S what you deserve. Because I sense you don't think you're worth fighting for. You're wrong. Your value is immesurable and I'm sorry that your family doesn't see it.
The sister is the easy one. You have a polite conversation about just how much her words hurt you, which just spirals you into bad eating that perpetuates the situation. Ask her nicely to stop making comments about your weight. And if she doesn't stop, you have to think seriously about the value of that relationship in your life. Only you can decide that.
As for the hubby it gets more complex. I would suggest having the same conversation with him, and giving him the opportuity to change before you kick him to the curb. If that fails, perhaps insist on joint counseling to try and learn to communicate with one another better. And if he's not willing to do that, then there's your answer.
Lastly, I think you should seriously consider getting some counseling for yourself. There is something in you that has been willing to tolerate this verbal abuse and it would probably be wise to work on identifying it and working through it, or you're just going to continue to let people stay in your life who abuse you. Nobody deserves that.
For the record. There are many of us on here that have been where you are. You aren't alone. You can tackle these issues in your life and improve them. And you can lose weight, when you're ready. But it has to be for yourself and not someone else. Or it won't stick. You're worth it.0 -
first, I'm not a therapist and I strongly recommend that you meet with one. saying that, I will relay some of my experience to you and perhaps something will help at least a little.
second, toxic relationships are NOT HEALTHY. Without knowing more than what you have offered, I don't think things are going to work out with your husband. He does not sound like a decent guy, and he certainly does not respect or support you. That's a bad combo and I suspect that even once you get healthy, he will find something else to be toxic about. I have met a few folks in a similar situation...the husband blamed the wife's weight on the marital issues....wife lost weight (sometimes a lot of weight)...husband and wife still didn't get along.
third, prior to starting this journey in January 2011, I had lots of people try to "encourage" me to lose weight. They weren't mean or nasty like the people in your life...but you'd think encouragement from loved ones would have motivated me to get healthy. WRONG! Motivation to get healthy has to come from within. I promise you that you have the inner strength to do it...if you are willing to call upon it. You will need to write down all of the things you HATE about being overweight...every little detail. Yes, this will and should take some time. But you owe it to YOURSELF to take this time. You need to KNOW why YOU are about to embark on a journey to find your good health...because if you don't understand why you're doing it, you won't do it. This list is going to become your fuel and your fire. You're going to know EXACTLY WHY YOU want to get healthy...and its going to be for things that matter TO YOU (not to others).
fourth...can this be done with so much toxicity going on around you? YES IT CAN. In 2011, I was facing my own marital issues. I learned some truly crippling information. But, I knew why I wanted to get healthy and I knew I was doing it first and foremost for me. DO NOT DO IT FOR YOUR HUSBAND.....DO IT FOR YOURSELF. And, hell, if it helps motivate you....one reason you might do it is to show up your husband after you dump him. I did a lot of the journey without the help of my now ex-wife.....and with dealing with a toxic relationship. IT CAN BE DONE. YOU CAN DO IT if you want it bad enough. You're going to have to really want it for yourself (and if you took the time to make that list I mentioned above...and was specific enough....you should have all the fuel you need to get on it).
fifth...yes, words are painful...but they are just words. Remember that other folks' unkind words DO NOT CONTROL THE DECISIONS THAT YOU MAKE. Each time you are presented with an opportunity to do something healthy or unhealthy, YOU are the one making that decision. No matter the dysfunction in the rest of your life, YOU can make things better by making healthy choices. From my experience, I felt a LOT BETTER dealing with my toxic situation when I was making healthy choices...because I felt good about ME. Your toxic situation isn't going away until you show your husband the door (and that will probably take some doing to be honest with you)....but your good health is within YOUR control alone. Your husband (and possibly others) may piss you off, make you sad, make you angry, etc..... but he does not control what food you put into your mouth...and he does not control whether you exercise or not. YOU control those things.0 -
If your husband is a jerk to you when you're at your heaviest, he doesn't deserve you when you're at your fittest. As far as your sister and her fiance, just stop talking to them.
Go to therapy, sort our your own issues, and quite honestly, I'd say remove all of these awful people from your life. Even if you can shut them up with a clever retort...do you want to be around people who feel and act this way?0 -
if you surround yourself with toxic waste you are going to get sick.0
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I think you are focusing a little bit too much on how other people feel about your weight. It's hurtful hearing that, i believe you.
But for a moment, focus on how you feel. Do YOU think you need to lose weight? Then push yourself and do it. If you think you're fine with your weight, tell them to mind their own damn business.0 -
I can really relate to what your going through. There are various stressors in my daily life, triggers to me (being i'm bipolar); So very often i feel myself slipping into depression. At least 2-3 times a week for the past month people have been asking if i'm pregnant. I've gained nearly 50lbs in the past 5 months...
I understand how discouraging it can be to push forward, trying to lose the weight when others are so negative. When people ask if im pregnant, it honest to god; makes me want to cry. Im sure your thoughts are something like
Yea i am fat, why do they care... I want to lose weight (NOW).... Im fat, ill never lose the weight.
You end up agreeing with them..
I've learned just to be pissed about it... then get over it..
Think positive; Be pissed off (whatever motivates you) ... Think like this... If I do A: Then B ...and trust that it will happen.
(I have newly made **** list of people who think my weight is their problem-.. I will rub their faces in my weight loss... So, theyll feel fat and ****ty like i do- this motivates Me) What motivates you?
I find taking the smallest steps... just to get out the door to go for my walk prove to be my biggest accomplishments... If you can just get out that door with your workout gear ready. Then You've made it.
Day by day... with an ultimate goal.
P.S As for your marital problems.... If I was in your shoes sister.. I'd leave that sorry SOB.... Try gettin on match... just chat with a few people; See what your options are. You dont need a man who wont support your effort to be healthy and happy.
I hope this post helps!
.. Cheer up hon .... Look up some funny *kitten* on Youtube (cute babies, funny puppies.. or drunk people dancing) 0 -
The only bit of advice I can really give you is -- rise about this. You are so much better and stronger than these negative comments. Let THESE comments be your driver to be better / stronger. Go to yoga, go dancing - meet NEW friends and people that don't speak about you like this.
Learn to love yourself....no one else really can until you do. As for your husband and sister - show them what you are really made of.0 -
Note:
This snarky and/or thought provoking comment was moved to the Chit-chat, Fun & Games forum to protect innocent.0 -
DIVORCE ALL THESE PEOPLE! YOU WILL FEEL BETTER AND YOU WILL START TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN0
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People can be so mean and hateful. I think it's worse coming from people who love you. Strangers don't know you and base their opinions of you on how you look. Your friends and family know you and shouldn't judge you by your weight. I think, sometimes, they think they are doing you a favor by telling you what you look like (like you don't know). Other times, I think by telling you how bad you look they feel better about themselves. Either way. nasty buggers.
I know it would be easy to say you need new friends but, that's not going to change the way you feel about yourself. And, they are your friends for a reason. I had a best friend for over 20 yrs. who could never say anything positive when something good happened to me. Once, when I lost 20 lbs., she told me, "Don't be so happy...it's just water." I finally told her that she was jealous (not about what I had but the fact that I was happy about it) and I told her she needed a new friend because I was through. I haven't talked to her in 7 years and I don't miss her negativity a bit.
I was always the type of person who never stood up for myself when friends/family said or did something that I didn't like. Now, I'm older and I don't let them get away with everything (I pick my battles) like I used to. They say old people are grumpy and say what ever they want. Now I understand why. After so many years (59 in my case) of the baloney, you just don't care anymore (although, I'm still tactful). It's not easy exercising that back bone but, maybe you should tell them how you feel. If you can't confront them face to face, write a letter or an email. Be honest, they didn't care about hurting your feelings, don't worry about theirs. Your own sister belittling and embarrassing you in public is the worst! She needs a good tongue lashing.
If you are going to lose weight, you have to do it for yourself, not for other people. Your opinion of you should be the one that matters most. You must think positively, make a commitment to do this, and do it. When your weight is back where you want it to be you will feel better about yourself and then you can make them all eat their words.0 -
if you surround yourself with toxic waste you are going to get sick.
dammmmm i just really love this!!
To the OP:
Sweetie, take care of yourself is all i can say to you, cause no one else will.0 -
this reminds me of my ex. He would always make comments like; no one will want you. etc. Believe me, it seems like the end of the world. But It pissed me off so much, that I lost 20lbs and found a new husband. (been married 15 years)
Don't listen to them and remember that you are never alone.0 -
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it's so sad that these ppl so close to you have hurt you with their words. I'm like you; it's hard for me to turn those hateful words into fuel to push myself. I am praying for you today to find the strength to prove them all wrong. If you would like to talk with a counselor about your marriage, I would highly encourage you to call 1-800-A-FAMILY. I work for this non-profit organization and we have licensed counselors who will talk with you over the phone. There's absolutely no charge.0
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Wow. That is a lot to take in. I am really sorry about all of the negative comments that people have been making about you. It's even more disheartening to hear it from the people that are closest to you. I can't tell you what to say to your husband or your sister to get them to stop making such awful comments, but I can tell you that if you want to lose weight, you can absolutely do it. You can really do whatever you want to do in your life. If you decide that losing weight is what's right, please do it for yourself. Don't allow the negativity from your family members dictate that decision. Depression is always so tricky to deal with, but it can be managed with a series of little things that will make you feel better. You can set plans for yourself to work on treating yourself with a little bit of kindness every single day. You can do things that will make you feel better, and help you to reach your weight loss goals. I think that getting on a weight loss plan and surrounding yourself with positive people is great, but I think self-love has to come first. Be willing to say, "I love me right now; at this size, and I'll love myself just the same at whatever size I am in the future". If you have that self-love, everything else will fall into place. I struggle with this sometimes, but things just feel so much better when I feel good about myself as I am, right now.
If you need any positive friends, please feel free to add me.
You are gorgeous btw.
Wonderful advise! Not much more I can add. You are worth so much more then the way they have treated you. As someone else stated here if someone was doing this to one of your friends, someone you cared about how would you react and what would you say to them and to the people mistreating them? You should defend yourself the same way. You can't change them. You can only treat yourself with respect and not accept their disrespect. When/if it starts again simply tell them quietly, calmly and with dignity that you do will not stay and listen to their negative, hatefilled comments, you do not accept their view of you and simply walk away. Even if you have to leave the house or resturant or close yourself in another room, find somewhere else to be other then in that toxic atmosphere. You are more then your weight. It is who you are inside and how you treat yourself and others that demonstrates your character, integrity and morals. What have theirs demonstrated? Good luck and if you need support and friendship you are more then welcome to add me.0
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