Dealing with an unsupportive significant other
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To be honest, you should start trying to impact on how he currently eats and exercises! Just do it subtly.
Challenge him to log his food and exercise for a week and see if he thinks what he is doing is healthy at the end of it. Then explain that you do not want to mimic his calorie intake as you want to live a fit and healthy life.
Also, spending more time apart (such as more time in the gym) will help you cherish the time you spend together. But you could also persuade him to go to the gym too. It can be fun trying to beat each other or even your individual goals.
If he keeps shoving food in your face, just keep refusing it. With a bit of self respect and determination, it is not hard.
As others have said feel free to add me if you want some extra motivation. We all need it sometimes!0 -
A few months ago, I noticed cubicle life was starting to get to me and I was gaining more weight than I would like. So I immediately made some lifestyle changes- bought a yoga class punch card, started walking more, started biking to work, spent more time at the gym, etc.
I also made significant changes to my diet. More veggies and whole grains, no fast food, less processed junk, etc.
It's working perfectly. I'm back where I was in college and have way more energy than I've had before.
The only problem is my boyfriend. He has a naturally fast metabolism and is skinny as a stick no matter what he puts in his mouth, and oh does he take advantage of that. He treats his stomach like a trash can.
The problem I have is that I work so hard, and I've told him to help me encourage my healthy habits. But he just can't seem to catch on. Every time I have a bad day, he brings me a huge sugary cupcake or chocolate bar or something (don't get me wrong- he is a PHENOMENAL boyfriend), always sticks his fast food french fries in my face repeatedly, offers me all of his junk food even after I push it away and tries to get me to cancel my fitness classes or set-aside gym time to spend time watching movies or doing nothing with him.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he's great. But how can I get the message across that I really need him to support me in my healthier lifestyle?
#1 talk to him about it, as a guy I can tell you that subtle hints do not work, Obvious hints do not work. you have to tell him that you do not want him to bring you sweets and junk. He is doing what he has always done to make you Happy. Stop reading too much into it.
#2 he was this way when you met him and you were fine with that, so the fact that you changed should not affect him in the slightest, He never said he wanted to change and it sounds like he is very content.
#3 which goes back to #1, you should talk to him about this instead of strangers on the internet.
Best of luck to you and him. Give the guy a break.0 -
QFT. Now let's read it again.#1 talk to him about it, as a guy I can tell you that subtle hints do not work, Obvious hints do not work. you have to tell him that you do not want him to bring you sweets and junk. He is doing what he has always done to make you Happy. Stop reading too much into it.
#2 he was this way when you met him and you were fine with that, so the fact that you changed should not affect him in the slightest, He never said he wanted to change and it sounds like he is very content.
#3 which goes back to #1, you should talk to him about this instead of strangers on the internet.
Best of luck to you and him. Give the guy a break.0 -
Great job on your lifestyle changes!!! Congratulations!!! As for your boyfriend, it's important to note that you can't change people, you can only change how you react to them.
^^ THIS!!!
it doesn't sound to me like you have a relationship problem at all, there really are some silly comments from people here! It sounds to me like a simple case of immaturity (fella's can be pre-disposed to this condition!)
You don't need his support, do this for yourself, simply say no to the junk, be clear about your gym class times, and make sure you make time to spend with him (very important!) - he'll get the message (eventually!)0 -
You don't need him to support you in your healthier lifestyle. You are here for you. What he does is up to him. Seize the day and run with it.0
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Fwiw, I think you need to come right out and tell him what you need. I think he's just messing around and doesn't realise how hard you find it.
My husband is the most supportive man (and another beanpole). When he knew I was losing weight, he raised an eyebrow when I bought some mini doughnuts (59 cals each, yum!) but I explained that I believe you can lose weight and still have a little of what you like. So, we went for a long hike and he bought some cherry cake. No problem, I knew I could have a little and fit it into my diary. On the hike, I was telling him about another lady on here whose husband was being a bit of a jerk and saying hurtful things about her weight loss and bringing home foods she didn't want to eat, like takeout, and how sorry I felt for her.
He just stopped and said, "quit sending me mixed messages! Should I not have bought the cake? After the doughnut thing... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!" I just laughed and told him he was doing everything right, that I still wanted takeaways (once every couple of months) and that I would tell him if I needed something different from him.
OP, your honey sounds a sweetie, but everyone deals with their weight differently. Don't make him guess :-)0 -
You're not going to get him to eat as you do unless he wants to. However, not wanting him to bring home food for YOU that you don't want is a fair request. If he wants fast food, more power to him. But he needs to know that you are trying to change your relationship with food by not eating cake whenever you have a bad day. Figure out together what you can do for bad days. It sounds like he's just trying to do the best he can.
Also, him wanting to spend time with you isn't a bad thing, per se. If you're going into this whole hog, really look at how much time you're spending at the gym. Is he getting the short end of the stick? Now, if there's a thing every time you try to leave to the gym, there needs to be a conversation.0 -
With guys, they tend to be clueless, and a guy who can eat anything and get away with it will understand even less. Sometimes it can be hard to be on track when you have a major lifestyle incompatibility. Make him understand that his shoving fast food in front of you and taunting you and forcing distractions is supportive and disrespectful.
If he still refuses to listen to you and won't support you by not shoving food in your face, cut off the sex completely. When he asks why, tell him you don't sleep with men who aren't supportive. And if that doesn't work, then dump him. He is "Not" a phenomenal boyfriend if he is sabotaging both your health and happiness. Men always pull crap like this and it's not okay to be ignored as a partner in the relationship.
He's probably ignoring you because he's not taking you seriously because he doesn't respect you in the relationship and because it's a problem he can't personally relate to, and therefore doesn't have that problem, so he doesn't care. When it impacts him personally , then he will care. So like I said, if he continues to disrespect you, pull the plug on the sex and affection and put your needs first. If he won't change, then you can't make him. Leave him for a fit and fab workout guy.
@ Christina: Wow, what a shallow way to look at relationships. I truly hope for your sake it is a phase and you can date a man who is exactly that.
I don't think you understood what I wrote. My suggestion that she dump him for a fit fab workout guy wasn't in response to her need for a physical upgrade, it was in context to her emotional need for a spouse that would compliment and support her lifestyle vs a **** headed guy that thinks it's okay to ignore her, abuse her, (even if it's not on purpose).
Let me put it this way, once in awhile or once or twice if he comes home and offers her a goodie, that's kindhearted. That's sweet. But all the time, constantly? Even after she has said no stop, dozens of times? That's just blatant disrespect and sabotage. I can relate to this. I find this supposedly clueless action abusive despite the plausible ignorance. If he was in training for something and wanted to better himself on an exercise front, I doubt he would put up with her thrusting bad food in front of her. I don't look at relationships as shallow. I look at relationships like grenade filled fields. Sometimes a grenade goes off and you survive it and both partners better and sometimes the relationship doesn't make it. I don't how big a problem this really is for her. Maybe it's not a deal breaker, but I have gone through this and I know that it's frustrating as hell.
Sometimes when a person goes through personal transformation it tests the boundaries and limits of the emotional aspect of the relationship as well. Nobody is saying that he can't have junk food. But if he can't do this one thing after being asked over and over, to me it says that there are bigger problems than personal individual food clashes.0 -
Girl, you are NOT alone. My boyfriend does the same things -- he'll always bring me home cupcakes and cookies when I don't feel well or when I've had a bad day. It's a sweet gesture but irritating when I'm trying to avoid excess sugar/calories. I think you'll find that no matter how many times you tell him, it won't sink in 100%, or at least, that's my experience. The most you can do is reject the food he brings you; show that you are thankful but kindly explain you're trying to avoid those things and that he can eat it himself. Maybe you could create a gym schedule and give him a copy and say, "I'll hang out with you whenever you want, except this time and this time" so he won't be disappointed when he asks you to hang out but you're busy. Its good to spend apart especially when you have different lives and priorities.0
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My husband is the same way, he can pretty much eat whatever he wants and not gain...however over the last 15 years we've been together it's not quite as easy for him as it used to be. After aged 30 he gets a little spare tire if he doesn't watch it
However, he always knew that I have issues with my weight so he never did the things that your BF does like taunting me with food. I realize he probably doesn't see how much this bothers you but it's still a little disrespectful. I agree with what everyone else has said. You need to be firm and explain why this bothers you and ask him to please stop. Like I said, he probably is just joking around and doesn't really see how it effects you. If it continues you will begin to get more and more annoyed, though.
Another suggestion is to see if you guys can do some fun and active things together. See if instead of sitting around and watching TV he might go for a hike with you or something. Even if he doesn't have to watch is weight there are plenty of health benefits to eating right and exercizing. See if you can approach him from that way. Good luck!0 -
If he's annoying you with the food pushing, ask him to stop. If he doesn't stop, then quit eating with him. Eventually, he'll get the picture.
Otherwise, it sounds to me like you are whining about a guy who enjoys spending time with you and doing things that he assumes will make you happy. My advice is that you talk to him like an adult. Tell him what's bothering you and how he can help. Men like to be helpful if you just tell them what you need, in a calm, rational manner. Doing the chick flip-out thing will not help.0 -
Seems much more likely that he's trying, in what may be a ham-handed way, to send her a message that he loves her no matter what and thinks she's beautiful just the way she is. He thinks she's depriving herself of true chocolate-covered, deep-fried happiness all so she can be pretty and skinny for his sake. Betcha a buck on this.
^^It is very much this, I definitely agree. He tells me that he loves me how I am, and doesn't think I need to change, when I really am trying to be a healthier and better person for myself. And it's not so much that I'm trying to lose weight (I love myself how I am,) but I don't want to look at myself six months down the road and say, "whoa, where did this extra 20 pounds come from?" I'm all about maintaining my body. Easier to keep it in shape than get it back into shape. 0 -
Thanks for a lot of the suggestions! I sat down with my boyfriend yesterday and firmly told him that I really need him to support me. Like a few of you mentioned, I think it is hard for him to understand because he can eat anything he wants and isn't affected in the slightest. I made a few suggestions, like, him bringing me fruit from the farmers market, or smoothies, or flowers, or a book rather than chocolate or ice cream, and suggested that if he's feeling lonely when I go to my work-outs, we can just go on a bike ride together. I'm also going to try a little harder to schedule my work-outs when he has prior commitments.
Like I said, he is an absolute phenomenal boyfriend, and there's no way I'm dumping him just because he shoves his fries in my face and brings me home chocolate (seriously- a lot of girls would kill for a boyfriend like that), but he just doesn't see why I react to his gestures the way that I do.0 -
my wife is also very thin & very fit, but she supports me like hell! protein dinners with veg & quinoa or something etc., lots of salad always in the fridge, no sodas or potato chips in the cupboard
now, THAT's being a great partner, maybe you want to raise your bar a bit on that front? :flowerforyou:0 -
Beyond telling him, flat out, there isn't much of any other way. I have seen many times that relationships get into a pattern where perhaps the "healthy" person gets very comfortable with the ways of the "unhealthy" person. This can be true with drinking, drugging, overeating, etc. The "healthy" person can undermine the "unhealthy" person because they are afraid of the unknown.
Your boyfriend may be resistant to your changes because he doesn't know how to handle the new improved you. Give him time. But definitely let him know how you feel and that these changes are going to take place regardless.0 -
Very wise. In my experience he's behaving the way he does because he gets satisfaction from whatever reaction you're currently giving him.
1. Next time he brings you a cupcake, chocolate bar, sweet thing... throw it out immediately in front of him. If this makes him pissed act like it's no big deal because duh he should know by now you don't want it. He's not a child; you don't have to pretend everything he does is valuable.
2. He talks about canceling your classes just drop out of the conversation entirely. Even if it's obviously a tactic get up and go to the restroom mid-sentence of him mentioning it. He needs to learn to equate negative influence with you not being around.
3. Do not make a big deal about him having a fast metabolism or stuffing himself with trash. Do not comment on it. Hell, pretend to not even notice it. If he tries to do something very obvious in front of you (like the fries), look at him like he's crazy and immature (because that's what it is).0 -
Thanks for a lot of the suggestions! I sat down with my boyfriend yesterday and firmly told him that I really need him to support me. Like a few of you mentioned, I think it is hard for him to understand because he can eat anything he wants and isn't affected in the slightest. I made a few suggestions, like, him bringing me fruit from the farmers market, or smoothies, or flowers, or a book rather than chocolate or ice cream, and suggested that if he's feeling lonely when I go to my work-outs, we can just go on a bike ride together. I'm also going to try a little harder to schedule my work-outs when he has prior commitments.
Like I said, he is an absolute phenomenal boyfriend, and there's no way I'm dumping him just because he shoves his fries in my face and brings me home chocolate (seriously- a lot of girls would kill for a boyfriend like that), but he just doesn't see why I react to his gestures the way that I do.
Perfect! I had the feeling that if he was bringing you treats and trying to share his food he was doing it because he cares about you. My DH does the same and it's still hard to break him of the habit BUT yesterday he brought home grapes and watermelon and I said "oh wow, great, those look delious." Try to look for the supportive things he does and react positively and he'll respond to that.0 -
He sounds amazing, maybe instead of being so uptight about it you should think about how much stronger you are having to say no all the time. Your going to have the will power many people only hope for! Besides that a chocolate bar every once in awhile isnt going to make you fat overnight come on be realistic.
If i were you id focus on how much he is trying to spend time with you and be sweet to you instead of how he is "unsupportive." Obviously he isnt because he isnt force feeding you
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u should probably get a secret bf who will support your food and keep your regular bf for everything else.0
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I think you will have the last laugh when he eats himself into an early grave with all that crap he's shovelling down his neck.
Heart attacks are not confined to overweight people.
You only get one go on the ride so don't waste it.
don't get me wrong....but I don't think she wishes him DEAD....
she just wants a little support...that's all0
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