In recovery from Anorexia, seriously struggling.

VelaToNorma

I've been trying to recover from many issues over the years, but the two in focus here are BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) and EDNOS AN Subtype but I have flirted with bulimic tendencies in the past. Since beginning recovery, I've 'deleted' my calorie tracker but re-downlaoded it multiple times. I still engage in multiple behaviours (calorie paranoia, chopping food into tiny bits, gum chewing etc), I've binged and purged, restricted and measure myself multiple times a day (no access to scales), amongst other behaviours, and I have not had my period in 6 months. But I have gained weight. It's good in a way as I have a very physically demanding job, but when I realised I had gained an inch on my hips/stomach, I flipped out. My figure is very curvy (G cup chest, it sucks having this at 18 -_-), and curvy hips, and I've partially accepted I won't ever be a stick, it's not possible.

The main issue I'm having is when I grocery shop. I can't get to the store very often as I live rurally, and when I do go in to shop and Ana has taken over, I consider 'enough' food for two weeks to be a very small amount. When I eat my dinner (which can just be a very small salad most nights), I'll binge later on whatever is in my cupboard, and I hate it. I tend to purge sometimes but I'm seriously restraining myself from making it a habit again. I have one hell of a sweet tooth, much like my father, and it's hard when binging to try shut that down as I'm paranoid about my sugar intake and because I eat a lot of fruit, sugar intake can be high).

At my worst point I was restricting to under 100 calories a day. After I passed out multiple times and began to lose general functionality I decided I needed to make a change and got to a point where I was eating 600 calories or under each day and not feeling too bad. At this point in recovery it seems my metabolism has gone into bonkers mode (hyperdrive), and I'm ALWAYS hungry. I can't tell if it's because of my job, my metabolism or other, but my stomach is never satisfied and it's ****ing irritating.

I'm at a complete loss in regards to how to continue recovery and I'm seriously considering chucking the whole thing in and ending it. It's just getting too much and I've started being incredibly triggered to self harm again (just over 2 months clean at this point). I really need some help and it's taken me a while to admit this. Thanks for listening.

MyJourney1960

Hi - I don't have any experience in this field but wanted to reach out to you and send you some virtual hugs at least. :flowerforyou: this is very sad and frightening. Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to? are you in therapy for the anorexia?

For the food - all i can think of is for you to make actuall lists of what your caloric needs are for two weeks, to buy that, to bring it home and portion it out so you will eat the correct amount per day and not binge.

please get some help for yourself and take care

VelaToNorma

Thank you for your kindness, it's truly appreciated

There isn't really no, I don't like to bother others with my issues and the people I have talked to about it aren't exactly ED savvy so it's a tricky line. I'm unable to access therapy at this point and when I was in hospital last year, because I wasn't underweight it was disregarded. It got really bad after that and I managed to dig out before it killed me.

The issue with that is I really shouldn't be tracking what I eat. As part of recovery one is meant to be unknownst to their caloric intake. By tracking and planning what I'm meant to eat, I restrict as much as I want, and I restrict badly. While I can see your insentive and the logistics of your idea, I would end up 'planning' to only eat around 500 calories a day, like what happened last week.

littlelady2b

Honey are you getting any professional help at all from a doctor or a counselor? They are best equipped to help you the good thing that you can benefit from here is to be able to keep track of how many calories you are taking in so that you don't go too low or too high. I was bulimic because of being curvy myself instead of accepting that I had a wonderful woman's figure called an hour glass figure I thought I was fat and was always trying to change me. You need to realize who you are as a person and understand that what you look like on the outside doesn't not determine who you are. The skinniest sexiest most beautiful woman on the outside can be ugly if she is not a good person. You need to learn to like yourself and accept yourself and until you do recovery is going to be difficult because you will still have that negative image. Write down or type on your computer everything about you that is positive and good and start focusing on that. Right now I can already see that you are smart for seeking help and you are recognizing things you shouldn't be doing those are great steps to recovery please don't give up. Cutting and other means of self harming are only temporary ways that you think are taking away the pain but really all they are doing is causing more harm. Remember this "Never Accept Anyone's Definition of You Instead Define and Accept Yourself! " and "Scars remind us where we've been they don't dictate where we are going!" There is always hope so don’t give up. Here are some web sites I thought might help: http://www.mirasol.net/ed-recovery/self-help/online-support-group.php and http://www.healthfulchat.org/eating-disorders-chat-room.html

littlelady2b

I just read that you don't agree with tracking your calories but actually it is good because you know you have control over how much you are eating and instead of seeing too many calories as a problem you need to focus on increasing your calories and take control over your health. The reason you don't have a period is because you don't have enough fat in your diet your body is out of wack and if you really and truly want to get better you can use this site to help take control. No one can tell you what to do but a doctor or counselor and there is a lot of help online if you can't get to a place to seek help its in your best interest that you have someone who specializes in your area to help you. I have been where you are and I have some training in the area but I am by no means a professional like you need and so I can not give you what you need it will be hard for you to find that kind of help here. Please consider those websites I listed and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

PepperWorm

Please seek help sooner rather than later. Most group therapy is free, if funds are low. There are also lots of places that will work with low income participants. Check your county health department for access to lists of free/low income help.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Having an ED, and explaining to us your problems, you know that calorie counting/restricting is detrimental to recovery. I am not in any way trying to be rude, but removing yourself from MFP may be helpful to you. Don't give your ED the power to take over your life.

Good luck.

GiddyNZ

Hello..

I have no idea about any of your problems as food and me, well we have always had a very strong relationship.. too strong perhaps being the reason I partake in MFP.. but I was reading another post just now: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1034166-ask-a-psych-nurse-long-night-and-i-am-bored, it may be worth your while getting in touch with this poster, or even asking a question on this thread, he may be of some help to you.

I really hope that you find your way through, at 18 you are far too young to be worried about weight, you should be more concerned about being fit and strong and the rest of those issues will fall into place (a fit body always looks hot no matter the shape!).

Add me as a friend if you want some one to chat to

Take care :flowerforyou:

onwarddownward

It sounds like your attitude is great! I'd consider getting rid of your weight loss banner. Why add that pressure? I echo the others about counseling. We had a guy who talked my husband and I through marriage counseling and although I still am working on issues, it helped a lot.

Markguns

What everyone else said. Please get some professional help. God Bless.. big hug :flowerforyou:

Harmony2376

I know nothing about ED. All I have experience of is being a person. A person with slightly OCD tendencies. If I don't feel I'm in control, then I get just a teensy bit freaked out. And it sounds a bit like you are feeling out of control.
Just a suggestion. It sounds like you need to work your way up to a sensible amount of calories per day. Don't do it straight away, get a plan and work your way up. If you have a plan for the day and track your calories, would it help you to stick to that plan? Then you might feel less like you are on a see saw, and more like a gentle stroll in the park.
Geez I sound like a motivational speaker :-(
Get a plan that suits you and your life. Self harming and binging are not in the plan.
And try to remember every now and again that you are a worthwhile human being and some day you will learn to be AWESOME.

Shetchncn1

I agree with everyone else professional help is key but have you tried planning exactly what you are going to eat in a given day. Count the calories, portion it out etc. Your body is hungry - you have been restricting it for so long - of course it will freak out on you. Do you and your body a a favor and eat consistently and it should level out.

Good luck.

alyngard

For the past 20 years (I'm 34) I have had issues with eating. Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge eating, over exercising....anyway, it can be a life long struggle (one that I think I have finally conquered!), but it takes a lot of time, and self-forgiveness/acceptance/love. I was living in the US and was in several treatment centers there. I can't remember where you said you were from, US/UK, if you're in the UK, I'm sure the NHS provides some sort of assistance, but unfortunately in the US, you have to have insurance, or be on deaths door to get treatment. You may be able to find some sort of "low income" or "sliding scale" therapist though.

Since I put on a lot of weight the last few years (due to binging), my current situation is different from yours, but I have definitely been there. I do count calories (albeit not as obsessively as I have in the past) and I do weigh myself everyday (but at least not 10x/day like I used to). I understand how focused on calories you can become, it completely takes over. I do agree with a previous poster though and that maybe you should pre plan meals in some way. Set yourself a goal. Let's say you are currently eating around 600 cals a day. Try to up it to 650 or 700 for a week or two, then up it again (let yourself get comfortable at whatever level you are at), I know it can be scary. I do think though that "allowing" yourself to eat more, will also curb the binging. You are binging because you are starving!! If you allow yourself those extra calories that you need, then you wont feel the need to binge. I promise it works, I have been on here for 3 1/2 months and have not had a single binging episode. This time around I have also incorporated healthy fats such as almond butter and avocado. Fats used to be my mortal enemy. Not only are they actually really food for you, they keep you feeling full!!

Anyway, I will stop lecturing. I wish you all the luck on your journey into health. I promise it is soooo worth it!

JennetteMac

I wouldn't dream of saying I know how you feel but I have worked with anorexic tendencies and trying hard to starve myself over the last 5-6 years. I do know that one of the hardest steps is admiiting the problem to yourself, and you've done that with wonderful honesty.
I think the only other advice beeyond that already given re professional help, talking to someone and all of that, is to set little tiny goals.
What seems insurmountable at the beginning is made up of lots of little steps. A few extra calories for a week or a month, followed by a realisation that it is possible. Then add a few more when you're ready.
And try to make sure that what you do eat is good for you. It sounds obvious but protein and fibre and vitamin rich vegetables/fruit are easier to eat. Small amounts, but lots of small steps.
And use friends. Good ones will support you in getting stronger. There are plenty on this site who will try to help.
Hope that you are able to build on the positive moves you've already made.
And all my best wishes for you.

senyosmom

Hi honey! Congrats on being in recovery - we all have our issues (some more series than others) and it is great that you recognize you have an problem and are working on it. Keep at it!

That said - you should seek guidance from professionals who can actually offer valid - and healthy - advice and not just a bunch of people on this site. We all have opinions and we can and will offer them --- but we dont all know what we are talking about.

I wish you the best of luck - hang in there!

MystikPixie

You need more help than you're going to receive on any forum on the internet. You need one on one/face to face counseling. It's wonderful that you're trying on your own and that you've made it two months. But sometimes you just have to get outside assistance, it's not a bother to people when it's your health you need help with. I just don't think an online community is going to help get you where you need to be mentally.

miss_jessiejane

Recovering from an ed is not easy, and it's nearly impossible to do it alone. Please find someone to see before it gets worse. I know how hard it is, even when you want to recover, and you're welcome to message me if you'd like. Good luck.