Being Seen and Self-Sabotage

lustrata

Whenever I make progress on my weight loss to the point where anyone comments on it or I feel that it's become a visible change - I in some way, either subtly or not, start to self-sabotage. I stop tracking, I'll come home and eat a whole pizza. I'll do something to throw it all off-course. It makes me uncomfortable that suddenly my body - always this coat of invisibility - is up for discussion even in a positive way. I've finally gotten to see it as just resistance to the process, just fear, but I'm curious if anyone else experiences this and has found ways around it?

RodaRose

I do not like people mentioning how I look either. Are you lifting weights or perhaps doing yoga? Both of those help with body awareness.

lustrata

Thanks for the suggestions. I have done these off and on, but way too slapdash and that's probably why they haven't stuck. I am trying to get the exercise piece this time and that's making all the difference in having progress. I feel just...somehow, scared and happy at the same time when I look at the scale. If that makes any sense.

Maybe now's the time!

Ant488

If you are a member of a gym, try attending the classes. There are people and instructors that help you to keep attending. The classes are a easy way to stay exercising regularly.

josephanthony88

I think from my personal experience you have get yourself an accountability partner

josephanthony88

Accountability partners are basically people whom you acknowledge self destructive behavior with and you are comfortable to be held accountable from , for me its really helped me get out that self destructive behavior and get on track BTW I guess kinda made up this pharse not sure its backed by actual literature out there , I just wanted to encourage you and share what's worked for me .

josephanthony88

Just so everyone knows i really didn't come with the phrase ,lol, its a huge thing and it works , I need more so add me please

Larissa_NY

I think a whole lot of people feel this way, to be quite honest. It's not uncommon for people to put on fat as a sort of invisibility shield, especially against any sort of sexual attention. You're definitely not alone, but it would probably help to talk the issue over with a therapist with experience in eating disorders. Even if you don't specifically have one, your issue is one that a therapist with that background will have seen before.

sew205

I totally hear what you're saying. Being seen can make you feel very vulnerable. I find that I simultaneously want to be seen and to be invisible. And I also agree with the very wise previous poster that it would be potentially really helpful to talk to a therapist. Please feel free to add me as a friend - I appreciate people who are self-aware.

TheCrawlingChaos

that's interesting to hear. I'm the opposite. If I feel that I've lost a significant amount of weight and I don't hear from my friends and family that it's noticeable, it's very frustrating to me, and has in the past led to some big setbacks. I have recently started getting compliments from people and it is a huge motivator for me. I don't NEED the compliments, but kind words from those close to me is warming and gets me excited to keep going.

bodybuildchic32

Yes, and actually I have an opposite issue rooted in the same way. The motivation behind my bodybuilding was to compensate. I show off that I'm not weird, nerdy,introverted. I wanted revenge against my childhood bullies being the most healthy of them, prove to my Bodybuilding Doctor sister I'm just as good, to my parents that as the youngest I am not a baby, but capable! But why sabotage myself? Because I didn't believe I'm capable,cool,or good enough! My fitness goals were a "fake it til you make it"

I am practicing Buddhism and learning to forgive others and love myself...and I still want to bodybuild but for positive personal reasons!

But since I had self defeating thoughts and not finding a loving motivation, I would binge and make excuses "it's the holidays-bday-etc"I sabotaged to reward or punish myself.

Zombella

I like when people comment on how I've lost weight, but when I see that I lost weight (physically or on the scale #), I will be like wow I ate whatever I wanted and lost! Then I end up gaining. I don't even know why I do that. I'm there with you. I know that I personally have issues with the way that I see myself and have since I was very young. I am working on them. Like others have said, yoga is great.

Alphabuena

It made me uncomfortable but not enough to stray from my path. I think I have a secret enjoyment for the attention but at the same time it's kind of scary to shed my skin. It's not my goal to be noticed but it IS my goal to be the healthiest I can be one day at a time. This includes occasional pizza, and cheesecake. Sometimes cheesecake really does make me feel better. Please keep moving forward!

GrooveMerchant

Yeah, that's me. I totally don't mind being a fly on the wall. If I ever get hit on, I'm mortified. I've realized this over time that maybe I've held on to this weight for this long because I don't mind being invisible. I'm definitely doing this for ME and my health, NOT so other people will think my body looks better and to attract their commentary.

lustrata

Hi all - thanks for the comments and support and sharing of your stories. Please do feel free to friend me if you think that will be of help to you, I tend to blog a lot about this angle of my weight loss situation/human struggle. Also, I'm glad to say I have a great therapist, but am dealing with a few things regarding insurance that once resolved this month hopefully will allow me to get to see her again and get cracking on this part of the puzzle. I have to say, even just being straightforward about it here feels more than a bit vulnerable to me, but we're learning and changing, right?

So I don't go off on 10 tangents about this, suffice to say, it feels very much an involved process. As much as the actual weight loss. That's why I've told myself that we're not in a rush, this is a year of paying attention and small changes I don't hate. And, I guess, coming to terms with the fact that taking care of yourself isn't about fishing for compliments and input any more than not taking care of yourself shields you from the opinions of others.

It's you, bottom line, and how you want to carry your spirit around.