Problems with husband

shmulyeng

Paiger816 wrote: »

Weight loss is one of those things that people don't do until they're ready. I've tried and failed to lose weight for someone else. I just ended up hating the other person for making me feel like I needed to lose weight. It took me committing to myself and wanting to get in shape for ME before anything actually stuck.

I don't think it's sustainable to lose weight for another person. Your husband has to make a decision to do it for himself. Telling him that it's important to you may help the process, but he needs to make the decision for himself, or he'll end up resenting you.

I would seek couples counseling. Maybe a counselor can help you talk through these issues with him without him feeling like you're attacking him. You could always do a session on your own first, and tell the counselor all the things you told us. Then ask them how to bring it up with your husband, or if they could bring it up in session.

Exactly this! I've tried losing weigh for 39 years (yes, my mother said I gained weight before I ever left the hospital) to satisfy many people. My parents, my friends, my potential wife, and then my wife. It never worked. I was ultimately successful when I decided to do it for myself. No amount of begging, whining or prodding would have gotten me to lose weight. I actually think it backfired.
There is nothing you can do or say that will make him lose weight or get in shape. It's completely up to him. What you can, and probably should, tell him, is that you don't find him attractive in his current state. Obviously, you would have to find the right time and mood to be able to tell it to him without the conversation itself becoming an issue. You shouldn't tell him this because it will make him lose weight. But rather because it will help solve the issue where he wants intimacy and you don't. He has to know what the reason is.

shmulyeng

iecreamheadaches wrote: »

first lets start off with your being all secretive and not wanting him to know youre posting this. Shady as *kitten*. Not cool IMO. but thats just me. Carry on.

I don't think that's true. She didn't identify herself or him and she didn't post to shame him or anything. She's looking for a solution.

jemhh

shmulyeng wrote: »

iecreamheadaches wrote: »

first lets start off with your being all secretive and not wanting him to know youre posting this. Shady as *kitten*. Not cool IMO. but thats just me. Carry on.

I don't think that's true. She didn't identify herself or him and she didn't post to shame him or anything. She's looking for a solution.

Agreed. Again, this isn't a venting post like the "my husband looks sooooo fat" post somebody else made the other day. This is a woman who is trying to do something to help her marriage and has attempted to do it anonymously to protect his privacy as well as hers.

hopeandtheabsurd

Think back on why you fell for him in the first place. Can you "see" that person in him anymore?

The physical aspect of a relationship can (should?) be about so much more than just what the person looks like. The crinkle of the eye, the secret smile he only uses for you, the joke he told that you still are giggling about, when you see him being an awesome father and provider, knowing that you are his first text when something funny/crazy/exciting is going on, the way he braves the crazy ladder to take care of that spider, etc. etc.

I think couples counseling could be really helpful if you all are willing to invest some effort into getting to the root of things. I don't believe that his weight alone is the issue. You are focusing on his shortcomings and what he needs to change, but you *both* deserve the chance to be happy and it doesn't sound like the platonic roommate idea is going over well.

aware7

I think just small changes may motivate him. Go for hikes, eating healthy. Maybe spending time with you will motivate him. As a big girl that is on the right track now, I just think I would have been devastated if my husband would have told me that he was not attracted to me.

queenscorpio73

I'd shove that belly up and still ride him like a stallion! Kudos for being honest with yourself and knowing it's his appearance that turns you off and not the lack of motivation in life. I'd be concerned over his happiness. Maybe use that approach? Raise concerns that have nothing to do with his weight, if you have any concerns about that. Either way, you should be 200% crystal clear and honest. Let him choose whether he wants to help himself or give him the chance to leave. Personally, I don't think I could stay with my husband if he was turned off by me by only my appearance. I'm not bashing you, you're speaking your truth here. Relationships need to change and grow or they don't work. Good luck, and I hope that there is a resolution, not stagnant waters.

mary70

Be sure you are being honest with him first and foremost. If you indeed have zero attraction to him at all, that of course is an issue. But loss of attraction can be for SO many non physical reasons also. Look deep within yourself and ask what else could be adding to this. Many things can contribute to loss of attraction, such as less than attractive behavior, mistreatment, or an overall don't give a crap attitude.

Just my opinion, but it seems like there are several factors above the physical that are in play here. Whatever you decide, be honest to him and definitely be honest with yourself. Good luck!

NYRhockey00

Make him chase you around the block for sex....that'll melt the fat for sure.

Jthanmyfitnesspal

Are you sure his simply losing weight and getting in shape will make you attracted to him?

Exercise: Write down what attracted you to him in the first place. Write down your best experiences with him. Add "I have always wanted to learn to ..." (Something active, presumably). Get a little of it into your marriage.

Best of luck. Life and marriage are hard and ebb and flow like the tide. Hopefully, yours will rise.

TheLittleRedHairedGirl

jbirdgreen wrote: »

I think that you need to revisit your conversation with him. As women, we are so intuitive about things that a lot of the times we think we've said something crystal clear and we haven't. To another woman it might be, but to a man they need a more direct approach. He might not understand that yes, his weight is 100% the reason you aren't willing to have sex. He might have even thought it was just an excuse -- sitcoms train people to think that after time the woman is SUPPOSED to not want to have sex anymore after marriage/a certain age, and the reason is never mentioned. TV treats it like a natural thing.

I think you should definitely have a "come to Jesus" meeting where you lay it out as plain -- and as kindly -- as you possibly can. The fact that you love him enough to stay in a sexless marriage shows me that you care for him deeply. It sounds as if you have been focused on this flaw of his to the point where it's all you see. Before you tell him, I would think about all of the reasons why you love him. Make a list if you have to. I think it will help cut through the resentment you feel and make you approach the subject with a lot more gentleness.

Whatever you do, please consider counselling at some point. Many of us (I am a prime example) are not the best at communicating our negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, even when we have good intentions. Having a counselor there can serve as a guide and a referee.

This x1000%

Sabine_Stroehm

zyxst wrote: »

What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.

Honestly, I think you should leave him.

Based on this? Wow. Till death do you part really IS a thing on the past.

What about commitment? For better and for worse? She should just dump him, "rip the bandaid off" because the sex isn't fun any more?

So, let's say he was fit, buff, looked like the hunk in your photo, but got in a car wreck. Let's say he was paralyzed from the waist down. No more sex. Dump him, right?

If the shoe was on the other foot and he didn't want to have sex with her, she should dump him. Now. Right?

Or, perhaps, try. Make changes...work at it...

I'm gonna guess, as others have, that you're not married.