A lesson from a stranger

4leighbee

I was chatting with a new acquaintance tonight over a game of pool. She was going on and on (and on and on ... and on) about the foods she was choosing and how unhappy she was during the process of losing 15 pounds for wedding season. She has 7 pounds to go, she said, and then she'll be "happy with herself."

This statement jarred me.

I barely know this woman, but I felt the need to affirm all that is lovely about her and ask her to consider shifting her motivation to something other than a number. I did suggest lifting weights as being an empowering experience.

Later in the evening she was talking about her college-aged daughter. "She has some growing up to do," she said. "She needs to learn to love herself. She can't love other people until she can love herself." I didn't know what to say. It was awkward, but I told her as we were leaving that I thought she was beautiful.

I'm sharing it in the hopes that someone here will recognize him/herself in the story and reconsider the obsession of that number on the scale. We are so much more than that stupid number. And our babies are watching us ... xo

bethk779

You know what they say "we are our own worst enemy"! No matter how much I lose, I still look in the mirror and think horrible thoughts about my appearance.

knitstricken

Thank you or sharing this wake-up call of a story. (Hugs)

4leighbee

bethk779 wrote: »

You know what they say "we are our own worst enemy"! No matter how much I lose, I still look in the mirror and think horrible thoughts about my appearance.

Beth, I'm sorry you feel that way. Big hugs from Virginia. https://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

thunder1982

Its a good reminder, my daughter is about to turn 9 and so I know things I say out loud (or do) now will have a lasting impression on her. I havent ever been critical of my body out loud but I do slip in the diet word a bit. I try to teach my kids about balance when it comes to food. These lessons are hard for me to give as I never received them.

whmscll

I'm always very careful what I say about weight and appearance when I'm around my granddaughters ("inherited" when I married my husband). They are 12 and 6 and I'm trying to help with balance also. My mom was constantly on a diet to lose weight but would reward us with candy for good grades, and my dad insisted on having dessert every night. I've yo-yo'd in weight my entire life. Even after losing twice using MFP. I have trouble sticking to good habits in maintenance. The habits I learned while younger are sooooooo hard to change.

4leighbee

I would like to add that the same woman assumed I was having hot flashes because I said I was feeling hot (had just finished running before getting to the pool hall), lol ... we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I mean ... I'm only in my late 20s ... plus a year or 20.

Lucy1752

Such a good post. Truly enjoyed it.
I can remember my mom being angry with me because I don't see myself as beautiful, but in the same breath would tell me all the things that were wrong with her own appearance. The kicker was everywhere we went people tell us how much we look alike.
Soooo...mom, if I look like you and you list all the things that are wrong with you, then all those things are wrong with me as well, correct?
Never made that connection until years and years later, but realized it was deeply ingrained in my consciousness that my self-image was distorted in this way for years and years. Mom was also a horrifying yo-yo dieter: WW, Jenny Craig, TOPS, you name it and she tried it.
I thought that was just what women did.
<sigh>
Growth is hard.

positivepowers

I mean ... I'm only in my late 20s ... plus a year or 20.

I know what you mean. I've been 29 for the last 24 years! My youngest child surpassed me by 2 years just this month!

I have a pretty bad case of BDD and I've actually said and thought things like, "If I just lose ____ lbs I'll be happy." I've often wished I could wear a burka. The money I've spent trying to be thin! I could run for President! Add that to an equally bad case of BED - well, my relationships with my body and food are just dysfunctional.

I must have hidden it well, though, because neither my daughter nor my sons seemed to have acquired my pathologies.

4leighbee

Lucy1771 wrote: »

Such a good post. Truly enjoyed it.
I can remember my mom being angry with me because I don't see myself as beautiful, but in the same breath would tell me all the things that were wrong with her own appearance. The kicker was everywhere we went people tell us how much we look alike.
Soooo...mom, if I look like you and you list all the things that are wrong with you, then all those things are wrong with me as well, correct?
Never made that connection until years and years later, but realized it was deeply ingrained in my consciousness that my self-image was distorted in this way for years and years. Mom was also a horrifying yo-yo dieter: WW, Jenny Craig, TOPS, you name it and she tried it.
I thought that was just what women did.
<sigh>
Growth is hard.

wow yes. xo

4leighbee

positivepowers wrote: »

I mean ... I'm only in my late 20s ... plus a year or 20.

I know what you mean. I've been 29 for the last 24 years! My youngest child surpassed me by 2 years just this month!

I have a pretty bad case of BDD and I've actually said and thought things like, "If I just lose ____ lbs I'll be happy." I've often wished I could wear a burka. The money I've spent trying to be thin! I could run for President! Add that to an equally bad case of BED - well, my relationships with my body and food are just dysfunctional.

I must have hidden it well, though, because neither my daughter nor my sons seemed to have acquired my pathologies.

omg, we could talk for hours about pathologies ... I am amazed that all three of mine appear to be fairly well-balanced thus far ...

kristen6350

Yeah, people who think when the scale says a magic number their lives will be better scare me. I loved myself and who I was through the whole journey (50lbs total). I liked myself at 193 and I liked myself at 145. And now I still like myself at 155. The number doesn't matter. Life matters, go out and live it.

And by the way, OP, that was weird that she thought you were having hot flashes. Aren't there two things in woman code you never ask, "are you prego" or "are you having hot flashes?"...especially to a total stranger.

4leighbee

funny you should say that ... this was my FB post about it this morning:

Me: [at the pool league after rushing through a 2-mi fun run and hurrying to look less sweaty] Whew! It's hot in here.

Lady I was playing against: [some drawn-out assumption that I'm having hot flashes]

Me: [blank stare]

Assuming *that* of a woman in a pool hall is like asking if a lady is pregnant when you aren't 100% sure. And anyway I'm like 27 so nowhere near menopause. Sheesh.

Mystical64

Well apparently she hasn't found her why and she will probably be unhappy for a long time. I do it now for myself. I'm 51, a recovering Meth addict of 20 years and I've been clean 8 years tomorrow. I know I have done damage to my body. But I'm in the best shape of my life and its done the healthy way. If I do it for me, everyone else reaps the benefits as well.

Just keep believing, and I keep praying for the unhappy people in hopes they find their "why" in whatever they are struggling with.

4leighbee

Mystical64 wrote: »

Well apparently she hasn't found her why and she will probably be unhappy for a long time. I do it now for myself. I'm 51, a recovering Meth addict of 20 years and I've been clean 8 years tomorrow. I know I have done damage to my body. But I'm in the best shape of my life and its done the healthy way. If I do it for me, everyone else reaps the benefits as well.

Just keep believing, and I keep praying for the unhappy people in hopes they find their "why" in whatever they are struggling with.

you rock. best thing I've heard all day.

Beaner63

Mystical64 wrote: »

Well apparently she hasn't found her why and she will probably be unhappy for a long time. I do it now for myself. I'm 51, a recovering Meth addict of 20 years and I've been clean 8 years tomorrow. I know I have done damage to my body. But I'm in the best shape of my life and its done the healthy way. If I do it for me, everyone else reaps the benefits as well.

Just keep believing, and I keep praying for the unhappy people in hopes they find their "why" in whatever they are struggling with.

That's awesome, congrats!

missblondi2u

I've also encountered a lot of the "I need to lose weight so I don't hate myself" attitude. This doesn't make sense to me. I didn't lose weight because I hated myself the way I was. I just loved myself enough to make a change for the better.

Beaner63

missblondi2u wrote: »

I've also encountered a lot of the "I need to lose weight so I don't hate myself" attitude. This doesn't make sense to me. I didn't lose weight because I hated myself the way I was. I just loved myself enough to make a change for the better.

I'll be honest. I hated myself 30 pounds ago. Not for the number on the scale, but for what I had let myself do to my own body, to my own health. I still have 80 pounds to go to where I want to be, but the changes in my body and my health make me feel better than the numbers on the scale.

blues4miles

Beaner63 wrote: »

missblondi2u wrote: »

I've also encountered a lot of the "I need to lose weight so I don't hate myself" attitude. This doesn't make sense to me. I didn't lose weight because I hated myself the way I was. I just loved myself enough to make a change for the better.

I'll be honest. I hated myself 30 pounds ago. Not for the number on the scale, but for what I had let myself do to my own body, to my own health. I still have 80 pounds to go to where I want to be, but the changes in my body and my health make me feel better than the numbers on the scale.

This is an excellent insight! I don't let things I can't directly control (number on the scale) control my self worth. But I feel a lot better about myself when I am working out consistently and that sort of thing. When I am taking steps for my own health, I am proud of taking those steps and try to be patient about the results.

tulips_and_tea

Mystical64 wrote: »

Well apparently she hasn't found her why and she will probably be unhappy for a long time. I do it now for myself. I'm 51, a recovering Meth addict of 20 years and I've been clean 8 years tomorrow. I know I have done damage to my body. But I'm in the best shape of my life and its done the healthy way. If I do it for me, everyone else reaps the benefits as well.

Just keep believing, and I keep praying for the unhappy people in hopes they find their "why" in whatever they are struggling with.

Congratulations! What an inspiration!

OP, thank you for the inspiring post as well. A good reminder for all of us. And I know the influence on daughter's has been mentioned (I, too, learned bad eating habits and behaviors from my mother that I had to overcome), but let's not forget our sons.

My youngest son had a tough time transitioning from a slender, all-muscle teenager to the "filled out" young adult he has become. It's a normal process and he's by no means overweight, but it's a tough shift because girls go through it much younger. Some boys don't until their early 20's. In the past 2 years he's had to buy several different sizes in uniforms for work and those changes can be hard to adapt to.

4leighbee

@BZAH10 ... excellent point! It's also just good for boys to be dissuaded from an expectation that women are hyper-focused on the scale/weight/non-health related body image issues.