Normalising Eating after an Eating Disorder

carcarxx94

Hi,
A little background is that I am in recovery from severe anorexia nervosa for the past 3 years. At worst my BMI was 11 at around 4 stone weight and I was given 2 weeks to live after my organs were failing -
Fast forward some horrendous recovery years and I am still here ! And gained to a BMI of 18.5 at 51.8KG .
Last 2 weeks I have lost weight to be 50KG after returning to a physically demanding job where I am on my feet for around 8 hours without a break ( excluding that I walk to work and back etc ). And have recently also let go of my malnutrition weight gain supplements ( Fortisips ) to rely solely on real food.
I am having a hard time normalising eating as I do not have any hunger cues - I only know that I need food if I begin to feel very lightheaded , weak and sick.
Thus , when I do eat at this time.. My body has needed the energy so badly that I tend to binge. ( no matter what food it is - I have just had a John West's lunch pot of tuna, olive, pepper, carrot and butter bean salad with also a cheesestring and 45g raw mixed nuts... An hour later I binged on 3 chocolate cake bars, half a kit kat chunky and a huge bakery double chocolate chip cookie with a cup of milk .. ) !!
The amount of food I ate has panicked me greatly - the amount of sugars and bad food panicked me even more and I feel absoluetly dreadful...
I only had 2 cups of decaf tea and half of a weetabix for breakfast as I was unwell.
But these binge episodes are happening nearly daily ( even if having a large healthy breakfast such as rye bread with 4 tbsp peanut butter and a tub of greek yoghurt and quark with blueberries ... )
Breakfast is biggest meal of the day but i still can binge if breakfast is 250cal or is 850 cal.
My intake right now was over 900 calories in 2 hours.
My current BMI is 18.1 which makes me underweight...
But I was wondering if anyone who has recovered from a restrictive eating disorder has any insight or advice / tips..???
I have read about this being 'normal' in recovery -
But I am not in beginning of recovery, this is 2.5 years into it
It also make no difference of my activity in the day and I do have a professional therapist and dietician with a meal plan..
I just wondered if anyone had had a similar experience and what could help ...? Does anyone have recipes that help you with binging ( oats, salads, quark, greek yogurt, chicken, potatoes, nuts etc.. I eat them all and it makes no difference ).
I feel so incredibly guilty for this...?
Thank you if anyone could possibly give some reassurance at all !

Gamliela

Its called ' extreme hunger'. This can happen for many years following restricting calories and maintaing a low bmi. I fully understand your lack of hunger cues and then the overeating once you begin eating. My own opinion is that you may find more balance by allowing yourself to add weight until your hunger settles down. Eventually you will find a balance in your weight and your food intake. Panick is normal after sustaining restriction for so many years. Most people don't realize it can take up to 5 - 7 years to recover from an eating disorder. Everyone seems to think we ar cured just because we eat and gain weight, but its more difficult than that.

To be honest, you are doing very well. You are eating three meals a day and able to enjoy foods you probably wouldn't have allowed yourself in the past. Be careful to keep eating what you enjoy. With your added activity level with your job, be aware that most anorexics lose hunger cues with increased excesze. So you are probably going to need extra calories, being on your feet so much adds calorie needs. Look at what your tdee is and add calories according to your activity level. Shoot for that calorie level, see how it goes. If that isn't enough to keep you satisifed hunger wise, add two hundred per every few days until you feel stable again with your eating.

No guilt, you need the food at this time, building up your body after years of inadequate calorie intake.
Could you take a bus to work? It might help.

cookieobsessed

I almost got to the point of anorexia in November but I was forced to eat even if I didn't want to. Just before you eat or binge as I find myself doing as well. Ask yourself if you should eat anymore once your full. This helps you keep aware that you know if you eat any more you'll feel very I'll later. But whenever you do eat make sure it has a variety of nutrition so that your gaining weight in a healthy way... I know thus probaly didn't help much but I felt I needed to say something even if it's the smallest advice. Tip: My doctor told me excess peanut butter is one healthy thing to eat in order to gain some weight. I'm all better now all ND feeling much better but I hope you get through whatever it is your going through

mandylynnie

I know exactly what you're going through. I was anorexic for about 3 years and got down to 88lbs at 5'5". once my doctor and counselor finally got me on the right track, and after a year of slowly upping my caloric goal 50 cals a week, I was terrified to find myself consuming 3,000+ calories a day and still hungry. my parents insisted I eat as much as I could, and I decided I had starved my body for so long, I wouldn't feel guilty for three bowls of coco puffs if I wanted them. I slowly gained weight and while I'm still under my BMI due to several autoimmune diseases (also caused from malnutrition...talk about guilt, knowing I made myself sick for life because of anorexia) I eat as much as I want and don't worry about it. I used to binge bad, and then emotionally kick myself but you have to ask yourself if you are doing yourself physical harm in doing so, and if not, just keep eating.

EliseTK1

Gamliela wrote: »

Its called ' extreme hunger'. This can happen for many years following restricting calories and maintaing a low bmi. I fully understand your lack of hunger cues and then the overeating once you begin eating. My own opinion is that you may find more balance by allowing yourself to add weight until your hunger settles down. Eventually you will find a balance in your weight and your food intake. Panick is normal after sustaining restriction for so many years. Most people don't realize it can take up to 5 - 7 years to recover from an eating disorder. Everyone seems to think we ar cured just because we eat and gain weight, but its more difficult than that.

To be honest, you are doing very well. You are eating three meals a day and able to enjoy foods you probably wouldn't have allowed yourself in the past. Be careful to keep eating what you enjoy. With your added activity level with your job, be aware that most anorexics lose hunger cues with increased excesze. So you are probably going to need extra calories, being on your feet so much adds calorie needs. Look at what your tdee is and add calories according to your activity level. Shoot for that calorie level, see how it goes. If that isn't enough to keep you satisfied hunger wise, add two hundred per every few days until you feel stable again with your eating.

No guilt, you need the food at this time, building up your body after years of inadequate calorie intake.
Could you take a bus to work? It might help.

I second the "no guilt" sentiment. It's so hard to do. I find myself recommending this book all the time to people in the midst of/recovering from an ED, but it's a great one- Intuitive Eating. I agree that you're doing great and have come a long way. The first tenant in the book is to give yourself unconditional permission to eat. That part is usually the hardest, but it is essential.

perkymommy

I think you should be eating more because you are doing a lot of walking and it sounds like your job is physically demanding. Be sure you are eating more of the right foods though. I would weigh and measure everything you eat so that way you have a good idea from day to day what is working for you and what is not. Eat more veggies and fruits and proteins. Feel free to add me as a friend if you want.

Susieq_1994

perkymommy wrote: »

I think you should be eating more because you are doing a lot of walking and it sounds like your job is physically demanding. Be sure you are eating more of the right foods though. I would weigh and measure everything you eat so that way you have a good idea from day to day what is working for you and what is not. Eat more veggies and fruits and proteins. Feel free to add me as a friend if you want.

Regarding the bolded:

While I highly promote weighing and measuring as great advice for someone trying lose/gain weight normally, I really don't recommend it for someone in recovery from anorexia nervosa, because it can be rather triggering. Of course, this does vary from person to person. When I was falling into an eating disorder (thankfully I stopped in time, before I was badly affected), looking at every calorie in my food just tempted me to keep cutting it back. The smaller the number, the better it was. It's a very hard attitude to break.

Just my two cents. OP, I hope you continue to recover and become healthier. As others have said, let go of the guilt--what you're going through is very normal and it will slowly get better. Don't feel the need to restrict yourself (from your post it seems you're trying to stay away from "bad foods", but really they aren't so bad, just high-calorie), because trying to restrict makes it worse, as a general rule. All the best!

vegmebuff

Mechanical eating. Eat your meals at prescribed times breakfast - snack - lunch - snack - dinner - snack. Do it even if you are not hungry. Try to ensure that all your meals include a balance of carbs, fats and protein. I agree with the above - measuring/weighing could really become an obsession.

Journal your response to your recent binge. Use this and any other incidents as a learning tool to reflect on. Do you still go to therapy? Going to a local ABA meeting in your area might help you. It's good to share and get it out.
hugs