Recovering ED facing possible regressive meltdown - NEED SUPPORT :(

faithyang

Hi all and sorry for the very alarming title but I am really at my wit's end and I'm just so overwhelmed...I really need a listening ear and some advice.

This is quite long and I apologise if I'm boring you.

I have just started on a journey of recovering from an eating disorder (Non-purging bulimia) which saw me plummet to a BMI of 15 at it's worst (about 2 weeks ago).

The problem started on Easter where there was a 4 day long weekend and I was at my lowest BMI.I had deliberately fasted my way down so I could eat with my family "freely". I was already a little upset at having grown 'fatter' on my thighs and stomach, and alarmed that my weekend binges (between 2000 kcal - 4/5000 kcal give or take depending on triggers) were growing much bigger and spreading out to include dinners as well.

I ate fairly reasonably and freely during 2 days, overate 1 day and went to town on the 4th and last day of Easter (estimated 5000 kcal?) - which fell on a Monday when I normally begin my ED mental/physical flogging of fasting and exercising. This really had an impact on me mentally.

With my ED I had been severely restricting during weekdays and exercising myself with the aim of daily negative calories - I would have a small 30ml of a double shot macchiato or a piccolo latte to fire up my metabolism after an hour's of running in a fasted state first thing in the morning. I would then have about 50-70 kcal of fruit with a high water content, so no bananas, etc, drink many cups of hot green tea and occasionally in the evening some zero calorie soft drink.

In the weekends I would let myself "go" and varied my food intake between a big breakfast (i.e. a normal sized portion of Eggs Benedict with a normal sized skinny latte or a big Indian thali or a stack of pancakes with maple syrup and bacon), allowed myself a double scoop gelato, or a movie ice cream, maybe a few snacks - one or two Asian type buns, or a small mini sized pastry or two from a patisserie, maybe even a 500-600 kcal gourmet Almond croissant or two. But it was always limited to one massive meal and some snacks, no dinner.

Recent weekends (meaning even before my lowest BMI point for the past 3-4 weeks) have seen me actually increase my weekend binges in size, portion and even to include dinner. My family is really happy and even encourage me to binge because they see it as a 'cure' to my ED. But it adds so significantly to my anxiety issues that it just makes me want to regress even deeper into greater starvation during the weekdays.

After Easter as it included the big binge on Mon I was only able to fast for 3 days before starting the weekend again. Lo and behold - I ended up stuffing myself AGAIN.

Before you say a binge is relative - it used to be when I would eat a normal sized meal and then worry about "binging" on an extra chocolate biscuit I had but then it started going out of control - here is what I had during the weekend yesterday:

Fri - Sushi. Felt good about this. Until I had a 330 kcal choc top ice cream and a 300+ kcal yoghurt.

Sat -

• 2 plates of an Indian thali (Looks like this: http://fscomps.fotosearch.com/compc/UNE/UNE001/u22695522.jpg) Granted, I only had 1/2 the rice on 1 plate and none of the rice on the other. But it was oily and huge as hell. (OMFG kcal)
• 1/2 curry puff & 1/2 lentil fritter - both deep fried (300+ kcal)
• 1 cup of milky tea with condensed milk (200 kcal)
• 1 steamed Chinese bbq pork bun, 4/5 steamed Chinese sweet lotus seed bun, 1 steamed Chinese custard bun (ea abt 200-300 kcal)
• 3 very generous scoops of gelato (800 kcal)
• 1 large plate of stir fried chicken and seafood egg rice noodles (800+ kcal)
• 1 mug of sweetened barley water with grass jelly (>200 kcal)

Sun -

• 1 large falafel salad, hummus and tzatziki plate & fava bean dip bowl with 1-1/2 pita bread (It feeds 2-3 people. I finished the whole falafel plate and 1/3 the fava bean bowl.)
• Trio of Chinese steamed buns again, but instead of lotus seed bun had a large veg bun
• 2 scoops of chunky style gelato (600-700 kcal)
• Sushi (500-700 kcal)
• Skinny latte, 1x 2" ricotta & nutella tart, 1x 2" pistachio & hazelnut amretto biscuit, 5x 1" small shortbread biscotti (OMFG kcal)
• 1 generous scoop of pistachio gelato (350 kcal?)

I can't begin to explain to you how this affects me mentally and emotionally. I resent and hate myself for it. I worry endlessly over my weight. I stare at my thighs and arms and look out for ribs on my body whenever I have the chance to look in the mirror and keep comparing it to the past when I had a lower body fat % despite the numbers on the scale being a little higher.

I look bloated, fat, and just horrible this morning even after my morning run.

This wouldn't have been such a terrible thing as I would have just told myself that I could fast my way back to the 'right' look and not do it (I do this to reassure myself mentally and not fly into an anxiety attack).

But I am going on a 4 day work trip tonight which means:
1. I cannot exercise as the country is not very safe and the hotel doesn't have a gym.
2. I have meetings with clients and colleagues which means I cannot fast any of the days.
3. I arrive back just in time for the weekend which means I AM RIGHT SMACK IN THE FRONT DOOR OF ANOTHER WEEKEND BINGE.

I am wrecked with anxiety. I am absolutely distraught. I look and function on the surface calm and very well put-together because of work and I don't want to alarm or bother my husband but I am screaming on the inside and ready to explode into a meltdown ED regression next week to "make up" for this period which is completely outside my comfort zone in regards to recovering from my ED.

I want to recover - but my first ED clinical appointment a week AFTER this whole period and I really don't know.

Can someone just talk me through this?! Give me a slap on the face, shake me into waking up, comfort me, rationalise my irrational behaviour - ANYTHING.

I sometimes even laugh at how weak and trivial I have allowed myself to become. I used to be so much stronger than this.

Isabelle_1929

faithyang wrote: »

I am wrecked with anxiety. I am absolutely distraught. I look and function on the surface calm and very well put-together because of work and I don't want to alarm or bother my husband but I am screaming on the inside and ready to explode into a meltdown ED regression next week to "make up" for this period which is completely outside my comfort zone in regards to recovering from my ED.

I want to recover - but my first ED clinical appointment a week AFTER this whole period and I really don't know.

Can someone just talk me through this?! Give me a slap on the face, shake me into waking up, comfort me, rationalise my irrational behaviour - ANYTHING.

I sometimes even laugh at how weak and trivial I have allowed myself to become. I used to be so much stronger than this.

No one has replied and I suppose it's because no one knows what to say. I mean no one knows what to say else than what you already told yourself. You know you have an ED and you will be seeing a specialist next week. Not much to add, unfortunately.

You don't need a slap, and you know it. You need treatments.

So in the meantime, try to breathe and relax as much as you can. It's like have a broken ankle and having to wait for the next surgeon available ... It's hard, but all you have to do is wait and try not to make matter worst emotionally.

The fact is - and again, you know it - you are NOT fat. You may feel fat, that is different and it is a real problem, and you'll work on that with the help of the specialist you will be seeing next week. But you ARE not fat. You don't need a slap or a stranger on a forum to tell you that: just look at the scale and use your knowledge. It's about measurements. Numbers. If you had a twin sister just like you, or a best friend, would you think she's fat? Probably not. So relax about you weight. The problem is not your weight nor what you eat at this point, it's how you feel about it.

So put your feet up (so to speak) and remember that il will be better soon.

Take care and good luck.

ashleyylo

I so sorry you are going through this. I suppose by now you've had your appointment? How did it go?

I suffer from ED as well, it is horrible. You are not alone