Need Help Starting Again

Beezil

So... it's been about 4 years since I lost 65 pounds and hit my original goal weight of 130 pounds. Since then, I have gained about 20 pounds back. I maintained pretty well for about 2 years before my depression crept back into my life and things began to slow down again. I've tried coming back to MFP several times in futile efforts to regain the happiness and confidence I had when I was working out 5-6 days a week, tracking / weighing everything I ate, eating very healthy all week and giving myself one cheat day.

I really miss the strength, confidence, and the lean body I had. I am ashamed that I've let myself get like this again, and I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this rut. I feel like I've let everyone down, mostly myself, but also my family and friends who had looked up to me with respect for losing weight and getting into shape, being strong and healthy. I feel like I've failed.

I recently had surgery to remove an inflamed lymph node from the back of my head. Before the surgery, I was working out vigorously again - almost every day for 2-3 weeks solid. I was mostly playing Just Dance or Zumba on my WiiU, but trust me when I say that I play those games very hard! It is definitely a good cardio workout and fun so I can go on for 2-4 hours if I want. Anyway, after the surgery I haven't been able to do much for 2 weeks now, (though I'm cleared since yesterday to go back to normal activities, yay!) have been eating a lot of comfort food and takeout, and so I have gained the small amount of weight I lost back, which makes me sad.

I've also been back on my antidepressants for about a month now, hoping they will work again after a long time off of them, and they do seem to be helping a little. I definitely want to start exercising again and get back into shape! I enjoy exercising, for the most part, as long as I can do things I find fun, like swimming, biking, dancing, running, etc. I think right now the biggest problem for me seems to be food.

It used to be so much easier to turn down junk food and choose healthy alternatives, and so much easier to eat less - I could say no thanks or I don't need more without a second thought. Now I just want to eat everything and all day long. It's so incredibly frustrating! I got really sick of eating tuna and eggs a long time ago, since those were things I ate pretty much every day for good sources of lean protein and healthy fat. I can eat eggs again, but I'm not sure I ever want to open another can of tuna again... lol

I'm still into Greek yogurt, too, so that's good, but I guess I just need help figuring out why I'm having such a hard time turning down all the junk and fast food... I know that is the source of my weight, along with not exercising regularly for almost 2 years now. But it is mostly the food. I love food. I hate cooking. I've been trying to learn more recipes to make things I truly enjoy, healthier things, but it's not been easy and I still hate cooking. It helps when I get to make something I really love, like chicken curry or baked fish and fresh roasted veggies.

20 pounds sounds like so much to me, it makes me sad just thinking about that number. I can't fit into any of my old cute clothes and I already had to buy new "fat" pants... I know I can't lose 20 pounds in a month or even 2 months, but I hope it doesn't take me a year to lose this weight, especially if I'm trying my hardest and weighing everything again.

I left MFP because I thought it had become too stressful and time-consuming to count calories and plan out my meals for the next day every night, and I thought I could handle being healthy, maintaining my weight on my own after using MFP for so long. But it's easy to fall into old habits, I guess, perhaps even more so for people like me who have depression or are prone to eating disorders.

Anyway... enough rambling. I guess I just came here to vent a little, and hopefully get some advice or support. I think I'm ready to get back in the saddle, finally, but I've said similar things before and quickly failed to follow through. I want my strength back! I want my health back! And I definitely want my body back!

TxTiffani

The fact that you haven't let yourself gain all the weight back is great! That means this go around will be shorter than losing the initial 65lbs in the beginning:) You just have to start doing it. The first week or two are the hardest and then it will get easier. Youve already proven you can do this! I believe you can do it!