"Hahaha You will NEVER fit in that"
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No one around me could ever say anything to me that would mess me up in my new lifestyle and way of eating/exercising. It's not about them. It's my life. Who cares what others say or think?
If I fall off the wagon or start to get off track then that's MY fault. I'm choosing to do it. No one can make me choose to want to overeat. I have all the control over my decisions on what I eat. 0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »Your husband should talk to him and let him know that these comments are not okay. If your husband won't stand up for you then you likely have a whole other set of problems.
I agree. Seems kind of odd to me that a FIL would just sit there and comment on someone's weight like that so much. I'd either change the conversation, tell him to shut up and mind his own business or not go around him. I would likely just not go around someone like that but that's just me. A grown adult man saying things to a young woman regarding her weight in comparison to other females in the family seems very, very, BEYOND odd to me.0 -
I'll try to respond later with a more meaningful post, but the OP's post made me so angry I just have to say that her FIL is a kitten hole!0
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It's a tough situation because who wants to be the person who starts an issue with their in-laws. Of course FIL started it but really doubt he knows that. He might think he's just so funny, oh haha UGH!
In my family it seems like there is always someone that is the butt of the joke of the day. It gets very old. As a parent I make sure it's not my kid. Otherwise I ignore.
I think you have 3 reasonable choices. 1.Make sure hubby knows it upset you but ignore FIL. 2. With only your husband and MIL around tell FIL that his jokes upset you. 3. Give it right back to him.
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Cutting a family member out is really difficult. It surprises me how often that advice is given here. While I know that there are many legitimate reasons to cut a family member out, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly as it sometimes appears here.
No matter who is in the right, having issues with your in-laws can hurt your marriage. You can say that you won't be around FIL, but does that mean your husband goes to family functions without you or does he miss the function? Worst place to be is between your husband and his parents.
OP I am talking generally here not about you.
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NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
I always assume that most of the time, it's suggested by people who have never actually had to cut out a family member. Thank you for pointing out that it's not as simple as "you're negative, you're out" when it's family like it would be with an acquaintance.Your weight is not the problem here. Tolerating this behaviour is. I cannot imagine any adult behaving the way your father in law did, not even if you were 800 lbs, I cannot imagine myself sitting through this and not just telling him this was the last time we have contact until he grows up, and most important, I cannot imagine my husband just sitting there while this kind of verbal abuse was going on.
You have family problems and probably marriage problems. Solve the real issues, not the imaginary weight problem, or you will never feel happy.
YES. As much as jumping to cutting out family members is difficult, the fact that this behaviour is tolerated by the OP *and* his spouse is just as not okay as the father in law saying these things. Maybe even more so. There will always be people who suck. Learning how to put a stop to it is a skill everyone needs.
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Hey guys OP here. My husband did stick up to me and I also said something as well as my mother in law but my father in law is out of control and he loves this kind of stuff. He just laughed like a little teenager and went for a walk. And I'm pretty sure his oldest daughter had a talk with him about it after we left because she hates when he talks like this. My father in law is very over weight and basically just lays on the couch all day and night. He says it's ok for him to be over weight because when he was younger he was at a healthy weight and "that's all that matters" I wasn't the only one he picked on that night but I was the only one he made of their weight In front of all his children and their children (birthday party/ dinner) thanks for all your comments. I always stand up for myself and my husband always stands for me but that doesn't stop making me feel bad espically when made fun of in front of the whole family. Everyone was telling my father in law that's he's losing it now and he got really mad0
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It's a tough situation because who wants to be the person who starts an issue with their in-laws. Of course FIL started it but really doubt he knows that. He might think he's just so funny, oh haha UGH!
In my family it seems like there is always someone that is the butt of the joke of the day. It gets very old. As a parent I make sure it's not my kid. Otherwise I ignore.
I think you have 3 reasonable choices. 1.Make sure hubby knows it upset you but ignore FIL. 2. With only your husband and MIL around tell FIL that his jokes upset you. 3. Give it right back to him.
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Cutting a family member out is really difficult. It surprises me how often that advice is given here. While I know that there are many legitimate reasons to cut a family member out, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly as it sometimes appears here.
No matter who is in the right, having issues with your in-laws can hurt your marriage. You can say that you won't be around FIL, but does that mean your husband goes to family functions without you or does he miss the function? Worst place to be is between your husband and his parents.
OP I am talking generally here not about you.
I agree. Unless there are other, far more serious problems with the FIL on top of this, cutting him out should be the last resort. Expressing the problem in some way should always be the first step. In the screwed up logic of some of my family members, sometimes they think they are "helping" when they make comments to other family members about their weight. They don't see it as hurtful. That's why you need to let FIL know that it's unacceptable. Don't put up with it, but also take care not to react so extremely that it causes worse problems. Maybe this could easily be prevented.0 -
id tell him 'at least im not a fat *kitten*'
but i have little patience for *kitten* like that.
and, my boyfriend would likely punch the *kitten* out of anyone who criticized my weight .... his father included0 -
kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO0
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.0 -
Whenever others say "You can't" or "You'll never.." it is because THEY can't. Ignore them and prove them wrong.0
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I would solve this problem by walking out. Literally leave next time.0
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MonkeyMel21 wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.
The site is replacing it. It's a new thing they've started to replace cussing.0 -
Wow. Honestly, I'd have made it clear to him that I don't appreciate his attitude or behavior and unless he apologizes immediately I was leaving. He probably wouldn't, and I would have left. I don't have time for crap like that in my life.0
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....and you husband defends you how?????? So this FIL has the whole family in check I see. I wouldn't break bread with the FIL again.0
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dragon_girl26 wrote: »MonkeyMel21 wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.
The site is replacing it. It's a new thing they've started to replace cussing.
I like it better than just *'s at least! On one parenting website I'm on (used to be on) they don't censor if you're logged in but they do give you the option to replace all cusswords with "smurf". I did it for a while just for fun and actually started saying smurf instead of f**k in real life, haha0 -
NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Hey guys OP here. My husband did stick up to me and I also said something as well as my mother in law but my father in law is out of control and he loves this kind of stuff. He just laughed like a little teenager and went for a walk. And I'm pretty sure his oldest daughter had a talk with him about it after we left because she hates when he talks like this. My father in law is very over weight and basically just lays on the couch all day and night. He says it's ok for him to be over weight because when he was younger he was at a healthy weight and "that's all that matters" I wasn't the only one he picked on that night but I was the only one he made of their weight In front of all his children and their children (birthday party/ dinner) thanks for all your comments. I always stand up for myself and my husband always stands for me but that doesn't stop making me feel bad espically when made fun of in front of the whole family. Everyone was telling my father in law that's he's losing it now and he got really mad
Sounds like everyone realizes the problem is him and not you, so don't let his "madness" cause you to go off your plan. I know it's hard not to feel bad, it's easy to say, don't like him get to you but much harder to feel. Hang in there!0 -
MonkeyMel21 wrote: »dragon_girl26 wrote: »MonkeyMel21 wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.
The site is replacing it. It's a new thing they've started to replace cussing.
I like it better than just *'s at least! On one parenting website I'm on (used to be on) they don't censor if you're logged in but they do give you the option to replace all cusswords with "smurf". I did it for a while just for fun and actually started saying smurf instead of f**k in real life, haha
I know, it's kind of amusing at the moment. When I saw the phrase "kitten hole" up thread earlier, it made me giggle. Yeah, I'm a strange creature.
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NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
You need to slap your father-in-law, or kick him in the nads. Tell him in NO uncertain terms that your weight is none of his F'n business to comment on. If he can't say something nice, then keep his flapper shut.0 -
MonkeyMel21 wrote: »dragon_girl26 wrote: »MonkeyMel21 wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.
The site is replacing it. It's a new thing they've started to replace cussing.
I like it better than just *'s at least! On one parenting website I'm on (used to be on) they don't censor if you're logged in but they do give you the option to replace all cusswords with "smurf". I did it for a while just for fun and actually started saying smurf instead of f**k in real life, haha
Im totally gonna start dropping smurf bombs over F bombs....done!0 -
Vanity, Health, and Activity Performance are the only reasons to lose weight.
Attaching a value to you as a person based on weight is something only people of very low character would do... cough like your father in law cough. It speaks more to the content of his character and the values he places on others (I guess women are only valued by their beauty --and in his mind skinny is in-- in his messed up view of the world).0 -
Yes, I had a father in law like that. People had given up on confronting him years before I met him because he would only get louder and more abusive. So I stopped accepting invitations to go over there. When I refused to go, my husband refused to go also. Our holidays became much more peaceful.0
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10 years ago, every person in my family/circle of friends (except my wife, shes a good kid) told me that I would never be able to work full time and go back to college to finish my degree. Every person. Constantly. I was told "It's too hard!" "You're wasting your time!" "Your marriage will suffer!"
Now: I'm still happily married, have two awesome kids, and have been an Electrical Engineer for 6 years.
When someone tells me I can "never" do something my response is "Oh yeah?"
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Wow, what a dick. Seriously. If the rest of the family sees it and has confronted him about it and he still does nothing? Yeah, not someone who's opinion I'd let bother me. It's really hard for me to do, but knowing that everyone else knows he's being an *kitten* would help.
Maybe get with everyone and when he starts back up with anyone at the table(s), not just you but anyone, everyone just gets up, grabs their plate, and moves to another room to eat. If he follows, move back to the dining room. I don't know if he'll get the hint, but at least you'll get some time to eat in peace.0 -
MonkeyMel21 wrote: »dragon_girl26 wrote: »MonkeyMel21 wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.
The site is replacing it. It's a new thing they've started to replace cussing.
I like it better than just *'s at least! On one parenting website I'm on (used to be on) they don't censor if you're logged in but they do give you the option to replace all cusswords with "smurf". I did it for a while just for fun and actually started saying smurf instead of f**k in real life, haha
There is no replacement for f***.
not ever ever.
it's my favorite word. LOLOLOL0 -
Cutting a family member out is really difficult. It surprises me how often that advice is given here. While I know that there are many legitimate reasons to cut a family member out, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly as it sometimes appears here.
No matter who is in the right, having issues with your in-laws can hurt your marriage. You can say that you won't be around FIL, but does that mean your husband goes to family functions without you or does he miss the function? Worst place to be is between your husband and his parents.
OP I am talking generally here not about you.
The family members I don't see were on my side. They would not change. They had a long pattern of abuse and negativity that most people just put up with. They could act so innocent and offended if someone opposed them. I dreaded holidays and family get togethers. It took years to say no, enough and just not be around them. I think it was when they were starting to pick at me about my young dd that I snapped. It was hard because family is very important to me. I got guilt trips about it but stood firm. It was a vast improvement in my marriage and life because dh hated being around them too.
I do not tell people to cut a family member out of their life lightly. It is an option though. Just because they are related doesn't mean you have to be with them if they are constantly making you feel bad. You can choose to be with more positive people instead.
Dh often visits his family or friends alone. I don't hate them but sometimes it doesn't work for us all to go. Doesn't seem to have hurt us.0 -
Your father in law is not a nice person. I would avoid seeing him except for when it's completely necessary. Holidays etc.. You can't teach an old dog new tricks especially if your the odd one out. I have learned this.
I deal with a similar problem with my sister in law. She is one of those people who think that if you are fat you have no right to laugh at fat jokes and she thinks I am the worst thing to happen to her brother because I was unemployed for almost a year. The irony is that she is fat as well.
The thing that sucks about it is that your partner won't stick up for you. Maybe it's guys, but no man wants to go up to their father, sister or whoever to tell them that it's not right that they pick on there loved one. Families are gangs plain and simple. My family picks on people too. They are not innocent and I truly do not believe anyone is. It's how you deal with it.
For me, I just avoid my sister in law. I see her only on holidays and maybe birthdays. I have so much drama in my family that I don't need hers or anybody else's drama. I have to take care of me. Yeah my boyfriend is sad but I just remind him. Your sisters a jerk and I have enough of those in my life. If he really cared he would say something but he is a bit of a coward with his family. So I go my way and worry about me. Bare in mind, i love my boyfriend and he loves me but he does have problems standing up to his family. I deal with as much as i can but there is a point where you gotta know when to walk away. Your father in law doesn't deserve your time if he doesn't have anything nice to say to you. There's always uber, next time he treats you that way just tell him I don't like how you are talking about me across the table and I frankly have somewhere to be, have a great night. Sweet and simple and you are out the door and who knows, he might apologize.
I do apologize if some people feel this is not the right way to do this but it has worked for me. You should not hang out with people who will never change and have a group of cheerleaders cheering them on. This isn't highschool.0 -
Either fight fire with fire or take the high road.
I am super sarcastic and go right back at family members who attempt to bully me or bully my family. Sounds like people politely confront your FIL "hey that's rude" or "hey she's been losing weight" rather than "wow at least she isn't an a-hole like you, Dad" or "well at least she can lose weight, I'm not sure they have the cure for YOUR condition."
He might either be trying to be the center of attention, or might be trying to get a reaction from you. Since it's an inlaw, maybe just keep really politely asking him to repeat himself when he says something rude, try to come off as kind but like you legitimately didn't hear him. "oh there's no WAY you'd fit in that dress, EVER" "I'm sorry what did you say?" [genuine/polite] "oh look at her over there, really getting the food down" "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, could you please repeat yourself?" And literally just ask him to repeat himself over and over, maybe end with "I'm sorry I guess I just don't understand you" with a disinterested shrug. After he gets tired of repeating his stupid sh- to you and not getting a reaction he'll realize what an idiot he is. He probably only says stuff to get a reaction, but if you act like he's welcome to repeat it as often as he wants, it just has no meaning to you, he'll turn to someone else. And the rest of his coward family will probably tolerate it as sounds like he's been a bully for years.0 -
Since everyone has said something to him, you're either going to have to take a step back from family functions, which sucks and isn't ideal, or just grin and bear it, which again sucks and isn't ideal. Every time he says something rude, just say "oh okay or sure sure" dismissively like what he's doing isn't affecting you. Or you're going to have to fight fire with fire.
Invite him to the gym with you and tell him y'all can get fit together since your both so grossly overweight (which OP, you are not. And you have every right to be proud of your successes).
Start giving him eating tips, like, I guessed what your weight was and I plugged it into MFP or Lose It and it says you need to eat x amount of calories to lost x amount of weight. Here's a food scale that I got just for you.
Ask him what his numbers are, weight, measurements, what he can benchpress, when the last time he was in the gym. Just really uncomfortable and invasive questions.
But whatever you do, do not let that fool stop you from reaching your goals. Let him be your fuel and motivation. Every time you feel like skipping a workout session, imagine making him eat his words.0 -
If I might suggest another response the next time he starts up. Just smile sweetly and say "Dad, when did you say your eye appointment was?" "I'd like to drive you, your eyesight has gotten so bad lately I'd worry if you drove yourself"
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