"Hahaha You will NEVER fit in that"
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Your a size 8 that is no way fat and why you letting them speak to you like that. Tell them where to go and not have anything to do with them till they speak to you with respect. I wouldn't lose anymore weight I'd you say your size 8s are getting lose sounds like your at a perfect weight now x0
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I'm afraid I fight rudeness with rudeness. "At least people like to be around me because I'm not a jerk" "Let's see YOU fit into that dress" "I'm sorry, were you talking or burping" etc. I've also been known to quietly leave a gathering and let my husband stay until he calls for a ride. That only happened once, it was sufficient to get the "that was inappropriate" point across.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Once you understand the game--you can win. He's betting she won't react, if she wants to fight verbally, she'll have to be really sure of herself (no nervousness) or he'll cut her down and she'll be worse off. Just staring at him will set him back, he won't know what to do. It'll be easier to do.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.
I grew up in the USA and now live in Italy. I don't excuse the father-in-law's bullying, but the OP asked how to deal with it. If she had had the strength of character to stand up to him she would have done so immediately and wouldn't be asking opinions on this thread. If her mother-in-law had done it, the same advice would probably work--but women are a bit cleverer with their insults. The father-in-law is everything you've said, but I think he can be delt with---but that's just my opinion.
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Life's too short to bother with toxic people. I'd bow out of any family gathering he's invited to.0
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I would definitely tell your husband how much it hurts you that FIL talks to you like that. If his dad talks to his sisters and mom that way he may truly be unaware that it's hurting you...to him it's just the way they interact. If you tell him to talk to dad and he doesn't then there would definitely be issues between me and the hub! He should back you up once he knows you're feeling hurt in those situations.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.
Agreed.
I grew up with in a house with my father and two brothers, with three male cousins and an uncle down the street. This is not the way all men behave, and jostling for dominance is not an exclusively male pursuit - the complex and prickly interactions of teenage girls will show you that.
OP I think you need to be firm and let the father in law know, preferably in private so no-one else can butt in, you find his words hurtful and would like him to stop. Sometimes people need to hear explicitly that their behaviour is unacceptable in order to understand. If another family member has been mocked about her weight you know the issue really is with your FIL/other family members, and not you. If nothing changes I wouldn't attend any more family gatherings. I, too, would be disappointed if my boyfriend/partner/husband did not feel he needed to challenge someone from his family being cruel to me, but you can exercise power by simply refusing to put yourself in that situation if certain individuals want to behave in a juvenile and insensitive manner.0 -
What a wonderful excuse to never see your in laws again! Think of all the time you'll have for friends, hobbies, working out!0
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NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
Your fil is being stupid and mean. He treats people like garbage. His opinions are garbage. People who make fun of others like that are bullies. Understand that they are not normal people. It is sick to choose someone in the family to be a verbal and emotional punching bag for everyone because they look different. Does your husband participate in this behavior?
It doesn't matter if you can wear your sil's dress or not. It doesn't matter if you are a size 20 or a size 2. You are still you. Your value as a human being and member of the family is not your dress size or a number or the scale. I'd refuse to be around those toxic people quite frankly. I have family who I never see and it made my life better to make that choice because they are poisonous.
139 lbs is not huge. It is very slightly overweight if you are 5' 2" tall but 110 lb would be on the very low end of a healthy weight for that height. Unless they are under 5' tall then those women are teetering on the edge of being an unhealthy weight. Not really something to aspire to.0 -
No one around me could ever say anything to me that would mess me up in my new lifestyle and way of eating/exercising. It's not about them. It's my life. Who cares what others say or think?
If I fall off the wagon or start to get off track then that's MY fault. I'm choosing to do it. No one can make me choose to want to overeat. I have all the control over my decisions on what I eat. 0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »Your husband should talk to him and let him know that these comments are not okay. If your husband won't stand up for you then you likely have a whole other set of problems.
I agree. Seems kind of odd to me that a FIL would just sit there and comment on someone's weight like that so much. I'd either change the conversation, tell him to shut up and mind his own business or not go around him. I would likely just not go around someone like that but that's just me. A grown adult man saying things to a young woman regarding her weight in comparison to other females in the family seems very, very, BEYOND odd to me.0 -
I'll try to respond later with a more meaningful post, but the OP's post made me so angry I just have to say that her FIL is a kitten hole!0
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It's a tough situation because who wants to be the person who starts an issue with their in-laws. Of course FIL started it but really doubt he knows that. He might think he's just so funny, oh haha UGH!
In my family it seems like there is always someone that is the butt of the joke of the day. It gets very old. As a parent I make sure it's not my kid. Otherwise I ignore.
I think you have 3 reasonable choices. 1.Make sure hubby knows it upset you but ignore FIL. 2. With only your husband and MIL around tell FIL that his jokes upset you. 3. Give it right back to him.
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Cutting a family member out is really difficult. It surprises me how often that advice is given here. While I know that there are many legitimate reasons to cut a family member out, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly as it sometimes appears here.
No matter who is in the right, having issues with your in-laws can hurt your marriage. You can say that you won't be around FIL, but does that mean your husband goes to family functions without you or does he miss the function? Worst place to be is between your husband and his parents.
OP I am talking generally here not about you.
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NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
I always assume that most of the time, it's suggested by people who have never actually had to cut out a family member. Thank you for pointing out that it's not as simple as "you're negative, you're out" when it's family like it would be with an acquaintance.Your weight is not the problem here. Tolerating this behaviour is. I cannot imagine any adult behaving the way your father in law did, not even if you were 800 lbs, I cannot imagine myself sitting through this and not just telling him this was the last time we have contact until he grows up, and most important, I cannot imagine my husband just sitting there while this kind of verbal abuse was going on.
You have family problems and probably marriage problems. Solve the real issues, not the imaginary weight problem, or you will never feel happy.
YES. As much as jumping to cutting out family members is difficult, the fact that this behaviour is tolerated by the OP *and* his spouse is just as not okay as the father in law saying these things. Maybe even more so. There will always be people who suck. Learning how to put a stop to it is a skill everyone needs.
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Hey guys OP here. My husband did stick up to me and I also said something as well as my mother in law but my father in law is out of control and he loves this kind of stuff. He just laughed like a little teenager and went for a walk. And I'm pretty sure his oldest daughter had a talk with him about it after we left because she hates when he talks like this. My father in law is very over weight and basically just lays on the couch all day and night. He says it's ok for him to be over weight because when he was younger he was at a healthy weight and "that's all that matters" I wasn't the only one he picked on that night but I was the only one he made of their weight In front of all his children and their children (birthday party/ dinner) thanks for all your comments. I always stand up for myself and my husband always stands for me but that doesn't stop making me feel bad espically when made fun of in front of the whole family. Everyone was telling my father in law that's he's losing it now and he got really mad0
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It's a tough situation because who wants to be the person who starts an issue with their in-laws. Of course FIL started it but really doubt he knows that. He might think he's just so funny, oh haha UGH!
In my family it seems like there is always someone that is the butt of the joke of the day. It gets very old. As a parent I make sure it's not my kid. Otherwise I ignore.
I think you have 3 reasonable choices. 1.Make sure hubby knows it upset you but ignore FIL. 2. With only your husband and MIL around tell FIL that his jokes upset you. 3. Give it right back to him.
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Cutting a family member out is really difficult. It surprises me how often that advice is given here. While I know that there are many legitimate reasons to cut a family member out, I don't think it's something to be taken lightly as it sometimes appears here.
No matter who is in the right, having issues with your in-laws can hurt your marriage. You can say that you won't be around FIL, but does that mean your husband goes to family functions without you or does he miss the function? Worst place to be is between your husband and his parents.
OP I am talking generally here not about you.
I agree. Unless there are other, far more serious problems with the FIL on top of this, cutting him out should be the last resort. Expressing the problem in some way should always be the first step. In the screwed up logic of some of my family members, sometimes they think they are "helping" when they make comments to other family members about their weight. They don't see it as hurtful. That's why you need to let FIL know that it's unacceptable. Don't put up with it, but also take care not to react so extremely that it causes worse problems. Maybe this could easily be prevented.0 -
id tell him 'at least im not a fat *kitten*'
but i have little patience for *kitten* like that.
and, my boyfriend would likely punch the *kitten* out of anyone who criticized my weight .... his father included0 -
kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO0
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »kitten, huh. well thats new. and most certainly not what i was saying LMAO
I've seen that several times lately and have been wondering if people are actually writing it or if the site is replacing it, lmao.0
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