Need some outside opinions on step dad.

tmarple93

So a little back story,
I'm 23 years old and I don't live at home anymore. My mom got remarried when I was 13 to my step dad mark and we made a pretty big move to live with him.

Throughout the 8 years that I lived at home with him there he often made me uncomfortable and did a lot a things that were inappropriate and crossed a lot of boundaries for me. He's really perverted, would make sexual jokes about my boyfriend and I, he would go through my room when I was at school, after I turned 18 and took over my phone bill, he'd still go through my phone whenever my back was turned. He'd come into my room late at night and when I'd wake up say he was looking for something.

Also he's never treated my mother well but she came from a very physically abusive previous relationship with my dad so she just ignores his behaviour. Like him saying things like, "I'm gonna trade you in for a younger model." pointing out her flaws, making jokes like, "you can't do that or im gonna have to use my gun" not being serious but joking and making light of the fact my mom was beat by my father.

Now the reason I need advice is that I just found out by my mom that he's been giving rides to this girl too and from work very frequently. She's 20 years old. My mom said she's not comfortable with it but there's nothing she can do and when she talked to him he blew it off and keeps doing it. I added this girl on Facebook, and Mark likes every single thing she posts on there, all her pictures and comments on everything. Knowing how inappropriate he was with me, I don't think he should be giving her rides.. And it makes me physically ill how he treats my mother.. I just don't know what to do. Or if I'm over reacting. Or if I need to confront him. Or if it's just none of my business.

_incogNEATo_

I had an upbringing similar to this. Father was abusive to my mother, we left, she remarried a guy who made a bunch of pervy remarks, made fat jokes, was intrusive, just an overall b-hole.

As I've gotten older, I realized it was a flaw that my mom possessed. Even though the men she chose were all pretty terrible, SHE was the one who chose them. I expressed displeasure with almost every man she was with growing up. It never changed anything and sadly, it was because she felt that's what she deserved.

So in conclusion, it's not that it's none of your business, I just wouldn't expect much from speaking up about it. Your mom is the one who needs to speak up.

tmarple93

Thanks for your reply. How do you cope with it? Just try to ignore it? I mean it's gotten to the point where I don't even like going to visit my parents unless he's not there becuase i cant handle him anymore. Now that I'm older it's a lot harder for me to keep my mouth shut when he says or does certain things.

_incogNEATo_

Well, I didn't add that my mom finally realized she could do better. She's with a great guy now who knows how to treat her. She lives about 3 hours away now too, so that made it easier to not deal with it. I didn't ignore it, but I did accept that my words would do nothing. Your situation may be different, but it really is going to be on your mom in my experience.

Char231023

At this point you are old enough to speak up. I my self never dealt with a step parent like this but my uncle was an A-hole and he almost took pride in it. Like he almost took pleasure in making people feel uncomfortable. I ended up telling him off at Thanksgiving when I was 16 because I was tired of his *kitten*. After that he stopped saying inappropriate comments to me. This is how I handled it. So I am suggesting you speak up and say something. Other wise it is just going to end up hurting your mom.

TheLegendaryBrandonHarris

I agree that speaking up in some way would be appropriate.
Perhaps you should have a sit-down with your mother---talk things over and make it abundantly clear that you're concerned for her.

VeryKatie

Hmm. Weirdly, I'd stay out of it and let things run their course. Your mom knows about the situation, you don't live with him any more, and that girl needs to learn to look after herself if she feels uncomfortable with his Facebook/driving attention. I'm actually not sure there's anything you can do that would change anything... sometimes, it's just that time is needed. At most you could have a heart to heart with your mom that you're a little worried about her. But in the end... she also needs to decide for herself.

Think of it from a losing weigh perspective. You can't be told to lose weight, you have to decide it yourself. You might resist if someone does tell you to do it. But sometimes it just takes time to come to that same decision. Relationships are even harder in that way.

ETA: I think it IS ok to invite your mom (and only your mom) over more often.

ames105

I'm not sure I would confront him about this particular issue because it seems like he would twist it into being something innocent. He is, at the very least, very disrespectful to both your mom and yourself. I agree with a comment above, the next time he says something directly to you, I would let him have it, let him know its not acceptable and it won't be tolerated by you any longer.

I would let your mom know that you are there for her in every way possible. It seems like she needs the support. Ultimately, its up to her to decide to move on. She's probably afraid of being alone and maybe has some self worth issues. You can only let her know you love her and you want her safe and happy. He's not worth your time but your mom is.

emdeesea

I hate to say it, but I don't think there's anything you CAN do about it.

You can talk to your mom and point out that she married a loser, and also for some reason or another, she KEEPS choosing losers and she may want to talk to a therapist about that. But it's very likely that will do no good at all, and will only make her defensive about her obvious lack of self-esteem and as a result her very poor choices in men.

But other than that, they're all adults here, and while they should know better, and maybe they do, but you can't make their decisions for them. All you can do is voice your concern, then step back and watch the train wreck that's coming.

shadowfax_c11

Your mom and step dad are adults. Your mom knows what he is doing and allows it. So basically stay out of it. Step dad sounds like a creep and I hope your mom wakes up some day and realises that she deserves better. But that is up to he. Maybe you can help he develop better self esteem and find her own power to take care of herself but don't criticise the step dad because right now she is not willing to see the truth of that matter. It will just hurt your relationship with her.

I would avoid him as much as possible though. You have to accept that he is your mom's choice but that does not mean you have to chose to have him in your life any more than necessary.

tmarple93

Thanks for all the opinions! I really appreciate it! It's nice seeing things from another perspective.

salembambi

ive dealt with some horrendous stuff and having a mom who dated a bunch of creepy losers is one of them .


ill tell you what ive done all my life even as a child , stood up for her and myself as best as i physically could.i know not everyone can do that but you at the very least can speak up for her. She needs help and he needs to be tossed in the trash where he belongs

he also needs therapy , they both do far far way from each other

Your mom has very low self confidence the men in her life have broken her down and made her believe she deserves this treatment . Please speak up for her , speak to her , let her know that you are there for her and maybe gently provide her with contact info of your area womens help centers and services . They usually have good free therapy and other things.